Re: response to Mama Sher

[Guest guest]

Oh you think men and women in the US are raised in roles, as bad as

it is, I've experienced some countries in Central America. But we are

all raised it seems as stereotypes. We become those stereotypes. We

play roles. Sometimes its an attempt to be good, but its still not

real. We're not taught just to be happy and to communicate openly and

honestly. In fact, open communication is discouraged.

Gwynne escaped from her jail. I escaped from my self-imprisonment of

how I thought life should be lived. Now, I feel it.

>

> Mama Sher,

> Thanks for your comments on communication.

> Responses? Be careful what you wish for:

> I could write for days about my feelings on the need

> to communicate honestly and clearly, ESPECIALLY with

> those we love MOST. I don't know if our website keeps

> people from sharing elsewhere, but maybe some people

> hide behind it or use it as a stall tactic to avoid the greater

> reality of sharing with their families. Or maybe some of

> them don't HAVE friends or families. I don't know, but

> maybe there are some who are afraid of living in the real

> world with their diseases, who find it easier to spend time

> online than risking the difficulties involved in the other.

> After all, it's a huge challenge. On the other hand, there

> are some who are genuinely homebound for whom this

> may be their only blessed social outlet. And we do grow

> to care so much for one another here.

>

> I believe the vast majority of men in the US are raised

> to be babied and to bully, and the vast majority of

> women are raised to be doormats and to keep quiet. I

> think because this is all they KNOW, they keep doing it,

> and justify it by saying that they're nurturers. In truth

> they're clueless about how to set boundaries and treat

> themselves with enough love to demand respect and ask

> for help when needed. They're taught by example, and

> most of them are taught to be miserable. I think it's one

> of the greatest tragedies in the world, and the cause of

> most misery, that most people don't realize that they are

> worthy of more and deserve better. They don't get

> it that there are real options to being miserable.

>

> My parents' unconditional love empowered me to be assertive

> when it was called for. I believe many people think being

> assertive is being aggressive, which it isn't. Many people

> are taught that it's wrong to have real emotions such as

> fear and anger, and for them maybe it's easier to be doormats

> than to express real feelings. But I think we ROB our loved

> ones anytime we fail to speak our truth or to be authentic.

> I don't mean we have to blurt out every thought that enters

> our heads, but we give an immeasurable gift of love when we

> allow ourselves to be vulnerable and share our hearts. It's

> how we learn and grow. Sometimes that means stepping

> outside our comfort zones, but the reward is a real life

> well-lived, without having to harbor anger and resentment

> or make painful assumptions that only get us into trouble.

> All we really have to give to anyone is ourselves. Why would

> we want to do a half-ass job of it? I don't want to lie on my

> deathbed wishing that someone had really understood me.

> That idea really terrifies me. But it's my responsibility to

> make sure that doesn't happen, by being honest with those

> close to me.

>

> I'm feeling depressed and lonely now, but not alone. My

> relationships with family, friends, and God prevent that.

> It's always a challenge to walk our individual paths, but I

> think it's all part of the rich tapestry that is our life's journey.

>

> I was in a bad marriage for years, trying to love someone

> who loathed himself. Today I still feel a little bit like I've

> been let out of jail. My family is close, but I have a rich, full

> from apart from them. That's because I have real intimacy

> in my life. To me, intimacy is sharing our innermost selves

> with people we love who love us. It is listening to others,

> and being HEARD, for who we really are.

>

> I won't live any other way, especially not now. Forget finding

> the right time or place, or what's convenient... this is a lifestyle

> for me. I don't wait hand and foot on those who don't

> appreciate me or meet me half-way. I won't be accountable

> to people who aren't accountable. I don't spend time with

> people I can't be myself with. For me, to do otherwise is a

> cop-out, and I don't have the time. I don't think anyone does.

> As you can see, I'm passionate about this. It's really

> important to me to leave this as a legacy to my children,

> and at least one of them seems to have learned it so far.

>

> I'm grateful for your honest sharing on this board, and I

> always appreciate your perspective. And NO, Sher, no one

> would ever honestly accuse you OR that sweet Rosebud

> of doing a lap dance. :-)

>

> Hugs,

> Gwynne IPF 7/04 listed for transplant 3/07 Texas

>

[Guest guest]

Mama-Sher your original psoting on this was thought provoking & now Gwynee your reply is so insightful I'll be sifting through the whole topic in my mind tonight as I go to sleep...I've got no amazing extra thoughts to add I've been running around too much today with rainy jobs!

Thanks to both of you ( & Bruce for his comments along the way!)

in Oz>> Mama Sher,> Thanks for your comments on communication.> Responses? Be careful what you wish for:> I could write for days about my feelings on the need> to communicate honestly and clearly, ESPECIALLY with> those we love MOST. I don't know if our website keeps> people from sharing elsewhere, but maybe some people> hide behind it or use it as a stall tactic to avoid the greater> reality of sharing with their families. Or maybe some of> them don't HAVE friends or families. I don't know, but> maybe there are some who are afraid of living in the real> world with their diseases, who find it easier to spend time> online than risking the difficulties involved in the other.> After all, it's a huge challenge. On the other hand, there> are some who are genuinely homebound for whom this> may be their only blessed social outlet. And we do grow> to care so much for one another here.> > I believe the vast majority of men in the US are raised> to be babied and to bully, and the vast majority of> women are raised to be doormats and to keep quiet. I> think because this is all they KNOW, they keep doing it,> and justify it by saying that they're nurturers. In truth> they're clueless about how to set boundaries and treat> themselves with enough love to demand respect and ask> for help when needed. They're taught by example, and> most of them are taught to be miserable. I think it's one> of the greatest tragedies in the world, and the cause of> most misery, that most people don't realize that they are> worthy of more and deserve better. They don't get> it that there are real options to being miserable.> > My parents' unconditional love empowered me to be assertive> when it was called for. I believe many people think being> assertive is being aggressive, which it isn't. Many people> are taught that it's wrong to have real emotions such as> fear and anger, and for them maybe it's easier to be doormats> than to express real feelings. But I think we ROB our loved> ones anytime we fail to speak our truth or to be authentic.> I don't mean we have to blurt out every thought that enters> our heads, but we give an immeasurable gift of love when we> allow ourselves to be vulnerable and share our hearts. It's> how we learn and grow. Sometimes that means stepping> outside our comfort zones, but the reward is a real life> well-lived, without having to harbor anger and resentment> or make painful assumptions that only get us into trouble.> All we really have to give to anyone is ourselves. Why would> we want to do a half-ass job of it? I don't want to lie on my> deathbed wishing that someone had really understood me.> That idea really terrifies me. But it's my responsibility to> make sure that doesn't happen, by being honest with those> close to me.> > I'm feeling depressed and lonely now, but not alone. My> relationships with family, friends, and God prevent that.> It's always a challenge to walk our individual paths, but I> think it's all part of the rich tapestry that is our life's journey.> > I was in a bad marriage for years, trying to love someone> who loathed himself. Today I still feel a little bit like I've> been let out of jail. My family is close, but I have a rich, full> from apart from them. That's because I have real intimacy> in my life. To me, intimacy is sharing our innermost selves> with people we love who love us. It is listening to others,> and being HEARD, for who we really are.> > I won't live any other way, especially not now. Forget finding> the right time or place, or what's convenient... this is a lifestyle> for me. I don't wait hand and foot on those who don't> appreciate me or meet me half-way. I won't be accountable> to people who aren't accountable. I don't spend time with> people I can't be myself with. For me, to do otherwise is a> cop-out, and I don't have the time. I don't think anyone does.> As you can see, I'm passionate about this. It's really> important to me to leave this as a legacy to my children,> and at least one of them seems to have learned it so far.> > I'm grateful for your honest sharing on this board, and I> always appreciate your perspective. And NO, Sher, no one> would ever honestly accuse you OR that sweet Rosebud> of doing a lap dance. :-)> > Hugs,> Gwynne IPF 7/04 listed for transplant 3/07 Texas>