response to Mama Sher

[Guest guest]

Mama Sher,

Thanks for your comments on communication.

Responses? Be careful what you wish for:

I could write for days about my feelings on the need

to communicate honestly and clearly, ESPECIALLY with

those we love MOST. I don't know if our website keeps

people from sharing elsewhere, but maybe some people

hide behind it or use it as a stall tactic to avoid the greater

reality of sharing with their families. Or maybe some of

them don't HAVE friends or families. I don't know, but

maybe there are some who are afraid of living in the real

world with their diseases, who find it easier to spend time

online than risking the difficulties involved in the other.

After all, it's a huge challenge. On the other hand, there

are some who are genuinely homebound for whom this

may be their only blessed social outlet. And we do grow

to care so much for one another here.

I believe the vast majority of men in the US are raised

to be babied and to bully, and the vast majority of

women are raised to be doormats and to keep quiet. I

think because this is all they KNOW, they keep doing it,

and justify it by saying that they're nurturers. In truth

they're clueless about how to set boundaries and treat

themselves with enough love to demand respect and ask

for help when needed. They're taught by example, and

most of them are taught to be miserable. I think it's one

of the greatest tragedies in the world, and the cause of

most misery, that most people don't realize that they are

worthy of more and deserve better. They don't get

it that there are real options to being miserable.

My parents' unconditional love empowered me to be assertive

when it was called for. I believe many people think being

assertive is being aggressive, which it isn't. Many people

are taught that it's wrong to have real emotions such as

fear and anger, and for them maybe it's easier to be doormats

than to express real feelings. But I think we ROB our loved

ones anytime we fail to speak our truth or to be authentic.

I don't mean we have to blurt out every thought that enters

our heads, but we give an immeasurable gift of love when we

allow ourselves to be vulnerable and share our hearts. It's

how we learn and grow. Sometimes that means stepping

outside our comfort zones, but the reward is a real life

well-lived, without having to harbor anger and resentment

or make painful assumptions that only get us into trouble.

All we really have to give to anyone is ourselves. Why would

we want to do a half-ass job of it? I don't want to lie on my

deathbed wishing that someone had really understood me.

That idea really terrifies me. But it's my responsibility to

make sure that doesn't happen, by being honest with those

close to me.

I'm feeling depressed and lonely now, but not alone. My

relationships with family, friends, and God prevent that.

It's always a challenge to walk our individual paths, but I

think it's all part of the rich tapestry that is our life's journey.

I was in a bad marriage for years, trying to love someone

who loathed himself. Today I still feel a little bit like I've

been let out of jail. My family is close, but I have a rich, full

from apart from them. That's because I have real intimacy

in my life. To me, intimacy is sharing our innermost selves

with people we love who love us. It is listening to others,

and being HEARD, for who we really are.

I won't live any other way, especially not now. Forget finding

the right time or place, or what's convenient... this is a lifestyle

for me. I don't wait hand and foot on those who don't

appreciate me or meet me half-way. I won't be accountable

to people who aren't accountable. I don't spend time with

people I can't be myself with. For me, to do otherwise is a

cop-out, and I don't have the time. I don't think anyone does.

As you can see, I'm passionate about this. It's really

important to me to leave this as a legacy to my children,

and at least one of them seems to have learned it so far.

I'm grateful for your honest sharing on this board, and I

always appreciate your perspective. And NO, Sher, no one

would ever honestly accuse you OR that sweet Rosebud

of doing a lap dance. :-)

Hugs,

Gwynne IPF 7/04 listed for transplant 3/07 Texas