Re: Trying to gain insight...kinda long

[Guest guest]

<< Oh Connie, that is so beautiful. Sad, touching, and so very true. Thank

you

for trusting us with such tender emotional thoughts. You really leave

yourself vulnerable when you open your soul that way. I've been thinking

that we need to write a book - we have so much info and insight to share. If

we do that can be the first page. With great affection and respect....

W >>

,

It has taken me years to get to the point where I could actually face the

fact that I had a problem, and then more years to face the reasons for me

getting to this size. It's taken even more years to be able to talk about

it. I've never had any kind of therapy, but I do alot of soul searching. As

I said before, writing is very therapeutic for me. The more I write, the

more I discover how much we all have in common. No matter if we're fat,

thin, beautiful, ugly, short, tall, etc......we all struggle with something.

It's the ones that are silent that struggle the most.

I'm not afraid of being vulnerable anymore. I've learned to accept the

choices I've made in my life, and nobody can knock me down for having taken

this path. I wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't taken this path.

Inspite of my unhappiness with my body size, I'm certainly not unhappy with

who I am.

I've often thought that writing a book of collective stories from obese

people would be a marvel. The world would see what insightful, intelligent,

caring people we are. We have soooo much to offer.

Connie G. in IL

VBG in 1997 at 484 lbs., lost down to 363, currently hovering around 410 lbs.

BPD/DS w/ Dr. Maguire in OH (hopefully)

In insurance denial hell with BCBS of IL

[Guest guest]

Wow, what a beautiful testiment to what we all go thru Connie. We all

have our " stories " . Things that contribute to our weight gain, and no

one has the right to say that one is worse than the other. It's all

very personal to us.

Thank you for sharing.

--

Claudine Raymo

jovilea@...

http://www.geocities.com/jovilea_boxers/

[Guest guest]

Connie -

Love reading the beautiful things you've written through the years. And,

this is one of the most tear jerking. I am BEYOND thrilled that you are

going to be able to get your DS. I, too, am a MAJOR emotional eater and I

am amazed ... simply, truly, astonishingly amazed that because of the

surgery, I can no longer turn to food for comfort. Hubby wishes I'd turn to

sex for comfort . . . hmmm. . . . maybe later. =)

Can't wait to meet you after all this time -- it IS going to happen, dear

Connie. Kris

Cincinnati, Ohio

5'7 " , 39 years old

8/22 - 283 - BMI 44.3

10/10 - 239.5 - BMI 37.5

ciao to 43.5 lbs. & 30+ inches in 7 weeks

Open BPD/DS 08/22/00

Dr. Maguire, Kettering OH

HumanaFreedom Plus Plan

willbefit@...

Hugs -

Trying to gain insight...kinda long

|

|

|

| << I also like the fact that I can express myself without

| sticking to topics, my weight effects every part of my world, my

| family, work, relationships and I need to understand how I got to

| this

| point in order to change it and I need to talk about it. >>

|

| Teri,

|

| I've been struggling with the same thing. Since I've had a failed VBG,

I've

| been asking myself what got me to this weight, why do I keep eating, and

how

| can I change things (habits/circumstances, etc) after the DS. The thought

of

| another failed WLS scares the heck outta me. I don't think I could handle

| that.

|

| I'm reposting something that I posted to another WLS group. It's

something

| that I wrote a few weeks back. I apologize to those of you that are also

on

| the WLS400plus list for this repeat, but I think there are probably a few

| people in this group who could benefit from it. My writing is extremely

| therapeutic for me, and I often save some of the things I write just so I

can

| go back to it.

|

| Anyway, here it is:

|

| TRYING TO GAIN INSIGHT

|

| It's a dreary drizzly day today. The earth is taking a moment to

replenish

| herself of life-giving resources. As I type I can hear the soft pattering

of

| raindrops on the grass outside my open window, and occasionally the wind

| tosses the wonderful fresh fragrance of raindrops my way.

|

| My mood matches the mood of the weather. It's time to reflect and

| rejuvenate. If only it were as easy as a fresh rainfall. A tear streams

| down my cheek.....

|

| I find my mind wandering to the time when I was 17.....21 years ago. The

| year my mother died. A time when I was a normal sized person. Not fat,

not

| thin, just.....normal. Of course I didn't know it at the time, but that

was

| the turning point in my life. From that point on, I'd become a food

addict.

|

| I now realize that I was using food to fill the hole that had rapidly

become

| the Grand Canyon, to fill the emptiness I'd felt living without my mother.

| I'd tried other things....alcohol, drugs, sex. I got pregnant and

| subsequently had an abortion. This made that Grand Canyon feel twice the

| size. More food....yes, that fills the void nicely.

|

| I eventually learned to love one man....although he was resistant to love

me

| back. We had become best friends. We moved in together. We lived

together

| for 13 years. Through that time we broke up several times, and each time

I

| had to be the one to convince him to come back to me. Love me, please.

And

| each time he did come back. Finally we married, and we remain married for

| the past 6 years. For the duration of our relationship, I continued to

turn

| to food to fill the void. My drug of choice put an extra 300 pounds on

this

| body. For the most part, my boyfriend/husband stayed with me the whole

time.

| I only wish I didn't have to convince him.

|

| Three years ago we tried to start a family and have never been successful.

| Ah, there's that empy hole again. More food. I miscarried last year.

More

| food. I see the faces of my two unborn babies. More food. I had one

chance

| at having a baby when I was younger, and I blew it. More food, more food,

| more food.

|

| If only I had a mother to talk to. More food. If only my siblings lived

| closer. More food. If only I could feel the sense of family. More food.

| If only my dad were still alive. More food. If only I didn't have to

give

| up that dog that I so dearly loved when I was 18 because I was young and

| irresponsible. More food. She was probably put to sleep. More food. If

| only I could learn to let my friends get closer. More food. If only my

| first weight loss surgery had

worked....................................MORE

| FOOD!

|

| Why is it that I've learned to use food for comfort? Why not drugs or

| alcohol? Why did I choose something that says to the world " Look, I've

got

| an ongoing problem that I cannot get under control " .

|

| My sister recently reminded me that at the tender age of four, I was the

kid

| who always had a handful of crackers or a bowlful of Fruit Loops when I

was

| outside playing. Certainly I hadn't learned at that young age that food

| could numb the pain. I had a happy childhood. I had no pain that needed

| numbing. This makes me think that perhaps the potential for obesity for

me

| began way back in the beginning. Perhaps my body reacts differently to

| certain foods or combinations of food than the normal person's. Perhaps

| that's why my body and mind react the way they do to food. Just like with

| any drug, the more you take the more you crave. It took my mother's death

to

| set off this nightmare.

|

| When faced with adversity, food has become my drug of choice to soothe the

| soul. Now how do I get out of this vicious cycle? Knowing (somewhat)

what

| got me here is only the first step. How do I correct something that

started

| out as a psychological healing and has snowballed into a harmful physical

| addiction?

|

| I wish I had the answer. Until I do, I will continue to share with the

only

| group of people that could possibly understand what I'm going through.

|

| And I ask all of you to reflect on your own lives, and perhaps gain some

| insight as to why you've also taken this path. Perhaps this is a

| beginning.....

|

| The rain has stopped. The earth has been replenished for the time being.

|

| Connie G. in IL

| VBG in 1997 at 484 lbs., lost down to 363, currently hovering around 410

lbs.

| BPD/DS w/ Dr. Maguire in OH (hopefully)

| In insurance denial hell with BCBS of IL

|

|

|

|