RE: Grief

[Guest guest]

Tina, I worry more about the other side of the coin: typical

children. We put so much effort in encouraging our children to be social and

there seems to be so little effort for typical children to completely

understand a different peer. Schools have no tolerance for a bully but do they understand

why a child who is different is the object of their behavior? We need to try

and correct these negative outbreaks. Maybe we need sensitivity programs.

Schools need to teach more than the 3 R’s.

From: sList

[mailto:sList ] On Behalf Of TinaTerriAustin

Sent: Saturday, August 30, 2008 3:02 PM

To: sList

Subject: Re: Grief

That

is very true, , but they have to be taught to appreciate the nuances and

abilities of our kids.

Our

kids are not typical and don't often give back. Adults are used to

getting something back, their own reinforcement. When an adult says,

" Hi " , they expect a " Hi " in return. When the kid

looks away and or is flapping or hopping in place, the adult may feel

rejected. That is the adult's issue. It is a sort of transference

from whatever other time they were rejected in the past and now they are

getting it from a child and that pushes their buttons. We, adults,

have our own scripts for how relationships work, how they develop and what the

script is when we meet others. When it does not go according to that

script, some of us are uncomfortable.

When

my son was first identified, for some reason, I just thought all my friends and

family were along on the crazy ride with me and were learning with me. It

finally occurred to me (see how self-centered I still am??) that I needed to

teach them how to relate to my son. This was something I was learning and

had been going through for 24 hours a day every day. I got it, I was

connecting. But I had to teach others how to connect with him and help

him every step of the way to connect with them as well.

For

example, I would take him to karate every Tuesday and Thursday and we would

stop and say " hi " to everyone and use their names and practice.

I would kneel down to his level and tell the adults or kids to get closer to

his level to make eye contact easier. Then help him look at them while

saying " Hi, Ms. Whatever. " Every time. I realized I could

not be lazy about this. He needed to learn and who else was going to

teach him b/c he was not obviously picking it up on his own. This took

time, and many, many trials. But now, we walk into that school and he

knows everyone and knows how to say " hi " to them by name. And,

everyone in that school, adults and kids, know how to talk to him and any other

child that walks in there with autism.

I

also learned I had to be comfortable with who he is. He is very intuitive

and can sense others' discomfort. I think adults often expect kids to

perform for them and our kids don't perform. Perhaps they are old souls

and think to themselves, " Why? "

-----

Original Message -----

From: Heifferon

To: sList

Sent: Friday, August 29,

2008 8:08 PM

Subject: RE:

Grief

Often I wish that other people would get

to know our kids as we know them. How much easier things might be!!!

From: sList

[mailto:sList ] On Behalf Of TinaTerriAustin

Sent: Friday, August 29, 2008 6:42 PM

To: sList

Subject: Grief

I am pleased to see

parents writing and talking about grief. It is very real, very difficult

to speak about and most, if not all, parents go through the stages of

grief when their child is diagnosed with autism or a similar condition.

However, we are told to get

it together and take them to a thousand services to help them. I believe

we continue to re-experience the stages of grief at each developmental

stage of our children's development.

I, too, agree that my son

has taught me exorbitant things about myself. I have learned so much,

especially, how to be a better parent, partner, sister, friend, employee.

I have learned the depth of my patience and how shallow that patience has been

at times. I have learned how self-centered I was, before I had

him, as I am now not afforded that luxury any longer.

(despite my best efforts)

I am attaching two

writings about what our children can teach us and a poem from Erma Bombeck that

I believe describes some of us perfectly. I can really only speak for

myself but I really view him as a gift. I am so lucky, blessed and

fortunate to have him in my life and I hope he feels the same about me

someday. I can't live in that feeling for too long that he was robbed or

wondering what he could have been like had he not been inflicted. If he

were developing normally/typically, I would be taking those milestones for

granted, like I see some of my friends do. I currently treasure every

single one of them and celebrate pretty much every thing he does.

Re: Re: BIO-MEDICAL INTERVENTION

In a message dated 8/23/2008 12:12:53 A.M.

Eastern Daylight Time, thecohanes@comcast net writes:

I feel like I am pulling ay straws

trying to find the reasons for my daughters behavior

What kind of behavior is your child

having? You might want to check out the Feingold Diet. It is very effective for

children extremely reactive to phenols, dyes, chemicals, etc.

Badillo

It's only a deal if it's where you

want to go. Find your travel deal here.