Re: Need feedback - co-worker is driving me crazy

[Guest guest]

Hi Kathy:

Yikes! what a problem you have on your hands. It sounds like you have done everything a reasonable person would do to explain to this woman that you need some separation from her. Maybe you're too nice! You certainly have been awfully patient considering how much she has seriously overstepped her friendship boundaries with you. She seems far more stressful to you as your "friend" than a true friend would be. This relationship is much more about her needs than yours. You're getting sucked dry, my friend.

I don't know what you can do to discourage her from constantly copying you, your actions, your dress, your sick days, but somehow it seems as though you need to separate yourself from her as much as possible. Stress is not good for us RA people. I don't know what you can say to her that will make her see that her behavior is not good for you and is causing you stress. But you sound like a reasonable and sensitive person. If she is the same, hopefully you can talk to her and get her to back off for awhile.

Good luck! and let us know how it goes.

gloria

[Guest guest]

Kathy,

They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery but in her case it sounds like she is a little unbalanced. She wants the attention from having RA, but she sure wouldn't really want RA once she understood it. She sounds like she is the type that can't stand it when someone has something she doesn't. The unbalanced part, in my opinion, is that because she admires you, she has to have the same disease. If she were ever diagnosed with RA, you can betcha it will be worse than yours...whether it is or not.

I am sorry you have to deal with her but the only way to stop it may be to put an end to the friendship. Close the support group ( a radical thing, I know) to only those already diagnosed. That will help keep the discussions on track.

I hope you can get it settled because you certainly don't need the additional stress.

Hugs, Jacy

~Dogs have owners but Cats have staff.

jacymail@...IM: jacygal - ICQ: 96949087www.geocities.com/mtn_rose

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-----Original Message-----From: kathy_d87 [mailto:kathy_d87@...]Sent: Thursday, August 26, 2004 11:12Rheumatoid Arthritis Subject: Need feedback - co-worker is driving me crazyHi everyone! I have been an RA sufferer for 8 years now. I take Prednisone, Plaquenil (2x day), Bextra (2x a day), Methotrexate shots (.5 cc), and Humira. My RA is moderate moving towards uncontrollable. My problem is not my RA but a co-worker. She has been in my office for 5 years. I do consider her a friend. She's a breast cancer survivor now for 2 years. However, she has a major habit that is extremely annoying—everything that I do she ends up do the same thing. She's admitted that she copies me on everything—my style of dress, personality, etc. I can accept the copying, but the limit was when a group of us that have RA started conversing and comparing symptoms and treatments. Two of the women are on Remicade and Methotrexate. The fourth woman has lupus. I have suggested to my co-worker since she had cancer, she could have her own support group of cancer survivors. Her response, "no I want to be in your group and talk about RA." Okay, but I told she could not relate, she didn't have RA problems. Every time the women and I talk about our RA, my co-worker buts in and takes over regarding medications, symptoms, research, etc. After my doctor's appointments she could come in my office and ask me everything about what the doctor said. It's spooky. Then she would make suggestions about what I should and shouldn't do. She kept advocating for a bracelet she had seen on TV—nothing like that works for me. Now, she complains about her hands hurting and jokingly laughs about how she can predict when it rains like I can. That's not a fun fact to throw around—I'm hurting when the weather changes it's not a badge of honor. So, now she wears a bracelet and swears that it's helping her hands. O.K. I can accept that it's helping her.For the past year, she's complained that she has RA. Her bone density test is today. She sprung it on me yesterday that two of her family members (g-mother and uncle) had arthritis. Yet, when we met she told it wasn't in her family. I'm not belittling the fact that she may have RA it's just she acts as though she wants to have this disease. In my case, I wouldn't wish RA on anyone. How do I curb my temper? I mean I stood by her with her breast cancer. I could sympathize, but I couldn't empathize with her. I've always tried not to offend her when it comes to this topic. I've always shown her respect. I've always listed to her talk about when she talked with the other people at work regarding breast cancer. There's a high rate of women at our work who have experience breast cancer and she has unofficially talked with them when they have found out they have cancer.But I feel she's not showing me the same respect—like she should have the same thing I have based on association or something—like we should be a sorority or something. When the tests come back: If she has arthritis, she's going to want me to baby her all the time. If she doesn't have arthritis, she's still going keep saying she does have arthritis.I'm just not up for the challenge. I'm physically, emotionally, and mentally tired. I drag to work everyday no matter had bad I feel or hurt while in the middle of a flare-up. My RA doctor has prepared me for the fact that I may have to give up working when I hit the 10-year anniversary of my RA. In my co-worker's case, she comes in late regularly, because she doesn't feel like getting up and getting dress. No one says anything because she's always saying she's a cancer survivor. If I do call in sick from my RA, the next day she calls in sick. The other day, the office went out to lunch. She started griping that she wanted one of the office parking spaces that are closest to the building, which are handicapped. I told her half jokingly ask the doctor to give you one. She said seriously, "Well, once I'm diagnosed with RA I'm going to get one. I'm not going to be like you and not take advantage of it." For the 5 years I have known her she's bugged me to get a handicapped plaque. My RA doctor said he would write me an order for one, but I refuse to give into the disease. My grandmother was confided to her house because of RA. For as long as I can, I will not get one. How can I be the better person in this situation and just accept what she says without wanting to scream?K

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 8/27/04 5:10:29 AM, kathy_d87@... writes:

How do I curb my temper?  I mean I stood by her with her breast

cancer

This is "not the hill to die on".

Obviously she is a bit flakey. And, she probably admires you a great deal.

Be polite and look like you are listening to her....

there are many larger issues in life than this.

And besides, you probably cannot change her.

Don't sweat the small stuff...

Pris's dime

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[Guest guest]

1) Getting a handicapped placard is not giving in to the disease. Please don't be brave at your own expense. If you have the placard then you can choose on a day to day basis whether or not you need the spot. You deserve it. Really. I have had RA for more than half my life (will be 40 next week). I had a placard when I lived in Pittsburgh; haven't renewed it after I moved but if I ever flared again I wouldn't think twice. Can't stress this enough. It is NOT giving in to take proper care of yourself!

2) Your coworker has mental problems and they are not your fault. If she does have arthritis (if she does it's probably Osteo is my guess) and gets a placard via her doctor, that's her business. Don't make it yours.

I had a friend once who admired me too much a la the movie Single White Female. Over the years it grew increasingly worse and she did turn really psychotic at one point. She may be better now-- spoke to her on the phone six months ago, first time in three years-- but whenever she calls my house and speaks to my mother she never leaves a message, which is what a normal person would do.

Anyway... that intense attention can turn to malice in a moment.

If I were you, I'd just break away. Don't have a confrontation just quietly do it.

Good luck!

[Guest guest]

Your co-worker sounds obsessive-compulsive and needs counseling.

The only way to get away from her would be to get a different job or pray for her

to get a different one.

Becky

Glaser & Soul are the Real Starsky & Hutch!

http://www.geocities.com/starskyhutch4evr

http://www.geocities.com/glasersoulfargas2004/

[Guest guest]

Kathy, your post really struck a chord with me. I have had a very

similar problem with my own sister. I was diagnosed with RA two years

ago now and have reasonable control on MTX, Plaquenil, folic acid and

prednisone when needed for a flare.

In the early stages of my RA every joint in my body was inflamed

making normal every day activities almost impossible. I needed help

to shower, clean my teeth, get dressed. Just getting around was so

painful and it took me such a long time to do almost anything. I have

a wonderfully supportive husband and children, but it was a scary time

and I was frightened and vulnerable.

It was at this time that my sister decided I was making all this up

just to get attention. Her words were....Isn't it unusual for all you

joints to be affected.......My knees and wrists are painful too, we

are getting older you know......It can't be that bad, you must be able

to brush your own hair, etc etc.

Not once did she ever come and visit, just sought to criticise over

the phone. I had to distance myself from her because I found her

negativity was having an impact on my health and ability to cope with

this disease. Just a few weeks ago she phoned to say that she had RA

too, just like me. All her blood tests are normal and she is on no

medication. She has no pain or stiffness and has no trouble getting

around but she has convinced herself that she has RA. It is

frustrating because she has no idea what it is like to have this

disease and I can't imagine anyone wanting to have it, but it is her

way of trying to compete and gain attention.

The only way I can cope with this is to distance myself from her and I

have chosen not to discuss my health with her at all, except in the

most superficial way.

I hope you are able to find some way of dealing with your 'friend' at

work because it is important not to let this person have a negative

impact on you and your ability to cope with your RA.

Hope it all works out. Take care,

[Guest guest]

. My goodness your story sounds so much like mine. I developed RA when I was 18 and very severe. I have now had it for 6 years and NOT ONCE has my brother asked me how I am feeling or what is it like having RA. My brother (1 yr older) thinks that I am LAZY and should get my a$$ off the couch. Some people are not at all understanding to other that have medical conditions, they just label them as lazy or something like that.

Good luck to all of you who have people that are not understanding and sometimes arrogent about your RA.

>Kathy, your post really struck a chord with me. I have had a very

>similar problem with my own sister. I was diagnosed with RA two years >ago now and have reasonable control on MTX, Plaquenil, folic acid and >prednisone when needed for a flare. > >In the early stages of my RA every joint in my body was inflamed >making normal every day activities almost impossible. I needed help >to shower, clean my teeth, get dressed. Just getting around was so >painful and it took me such a long time to do almost anything. I have >a wonderfully supportive husband and children, but it was a scary time >and I was frightened and vulnerable. > >It was at this time that my sister decided I was making all this up >just to get attention. Her words were....Isn't it unusual for all you >joints to be affected.......My knees and wrists are painful too, we >are getting older you know......It can't be that bad, you must be able >to brush your own hair, etc etc. > >Not once did she ever come and visit, just sought to criticise over >the phone. I had to distance myself from her because I found her >negativity was having an impact on my health and ability to cope with >this disease. Just a few weeks ago she phoned to say that she had RA >too, just like me. All her blood tests are normal and she is on no >medication. She has no pain or stiffness and has no trouble getting >around but she has convinced herself that she has RA. It is >frustrating because she has no idea what it is like to have this >disease and I can't imagine anyone wanting to have it, but it is her >way of trying to compete and gain attention. > >The only way I can cope with this is to distance myself from her and I >have chosen not to discuss my health with her at all, except in the >most superficial way. > >I hope you are able to find some way of dealing with your 'friend' at >work because it is important not to let this person have a negative >impact on you and your ability to cope with your RA. > >Hope it all works out. Take care, > > > > > > > > Help protect your PC with Virus Guard from MSN Premium: Join now and get the first two months FREE*

[Guest guest]

Someone posted a link (I think on this board) to the Spoon Theory and I have passed it on several times on another board. It's the best way I've heard of trying to explain RA to "normals". http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/spoons.htm I forgot to record who first posted it but if they see this, let me know and I'll give you credit in the future. God bless.

----- Original Message -----

From: Cinnamon 'N Sugar

Rheumatoid Arthritis

Sent: Tuesday, August 31, 2004 3:46 PM

Subject: RE: Re: Need feedback - co-worker is driving me crazy

. My goodness your story sounds so much like mine. I developed RA when I was 18 and very severe. I have now had it for 6 years and NOT ONCE has my brother asked me how I am feeling or what is it like having RA. My brother (1 yr older) thinks that I am LAZY and should get my a$$ off the couch. Some people are not at all understanding to other that have medical conditions, they just label them as lazy or something like that.

Good luck to all of you who have people that are not understanding and sometimes arrogent about your RA.

>Kathy, your post really struck a chord with me. I have had a very

>similar problem with my own sister. I was diagnosed with RA two years >ago now and have reasonable control on MTX, Plaquenil, folic acid and >prednisone when needed for a flare. > >In the early stages of my RA every joint in my body was inflamed >making normal every day activities almost impossible. I needed help >to shower, clean my teeth, get dressed. Just getting around was so >painful and it took me such a long time to do almost anything. I have >a wonderfully supportive husband and children, but it was a scary time >and I was frightened and vulnerable. > >It was at this time that my sister decided I was making all this up >just to get attention. Her words were....Isn't it unusual for all you >joints to be affected.......My knees and wrists are painful too, we >are getting older you know......It can't be that bad, you must be able >to brush your own hair, etc etc. > >Not once did she ever come and visit, just sought to criticise over >the phone. I had to distance myself from her because I found her >negativity was having an impact on my health and ability to cope with >this disease. Just a few weeks ago she phoned to say that she had RA >too, just like me. All her blood tests are normal and she is on no >medication. She has no pain or stiffness and has no trouble getting >around but she has convinced herself that she has RA. It is >frustrating because she has no idea what it is like to have this >disease and I can't imagine anyone wanting to have it, but it is her >way of trying to compete and gain attention. > >The only way I can cope with this is to distance myself from her and I >have chosen not to discuss my health with her at all, except in the >most superficial way. > >I hope you are able to find some way of dealing with your 'friend' at >work because it is important not to let this person have a negative >impact on you and your ability to cope with your RA. > >Hope it all works out. Take care, > > > > > > > >

Help protect your PC with Virus Guard from MSN Premium: Join now and get the first two months FREE*

[Guest guest]

Harold Van Tuyl <hvantuyl@...> wrote:

Someone posted a link (I think on this board) to the Spoon Theory and I have passed it on several times on another board. It's the best way I've heard of trying to explain RA to "normals". http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/spoons.htm I forgot to record who first posted it but if they see this, let me know and I'll give you credit in the future. God bless.

>Hello Harold ,

just wanted to say thanks , you are very informed and wealthy with wisdow .

> > > > >

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[Guest guest]

Harold,

Yes, I really agree about the spoon theory story and remember reading it.

Kay

----- Original Message -----

From: Harold Van Tuyl

Rheumatoid Arthritis

Sent: Tuesday, August 31, 2004 7:37 PM

Subject: Re: Re: Need feedback - co-worker is driving me crazy

Someone posted a link (I think on this board) to the Spoon Theory and I have passed it on several times on another board. It's the best way I've heard of trying to explain RA to "normals". http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/spoons.htm I forgot to record who first posted it but if they see this, let me know and I'll give you credit in the future. God bless.

----- Original Message -----

From: Cinnamon 'N Sugar

Rheumatoid Arthritis

Sent: Tuesday, August 31, 2004 3:46 PM

Subject: RE: Re: Need feedback - co-worker is driving me crazy

. My goodness your story sounds so much like mine. I developed RA when I was 18 and very severe. I have now had it for 6 years and NOT ONCE has my brother asked me how I am feeling or what is it like having RA. My brother (1 yr older) thinks that I am LAZY and should get my a$$ off the couch. Some people are not at all understanding to other that have medical conditions, they just label them as lazy or something like that.

Good luck to all of you who have people that are not understanding and sometimes arrogent about your RA.

>Kathy, your post really struck a chord with me. I have had a very

>similar problem with my own sister. I was diagnosed with RA two years >ago now and have reasonable control on MTX, Plaquenil, folic acid and >prednisone when needed for a flare. > >In the early stages of my RA every joint in my body was inflamed >making normal every day activities almost impossible. I needed help >to shower, clean my teeth, get dressed. Just getting around was so >painful and it took me such a long time to do almost anything. I have >a wonderfully supportive husband and children, but it was a scary time >and I was frightened and vulnerable. > >It was at this time that my sister decided I was making all this up >just to get attention. Her words were....Isn't it unusual for all you >joints to be affected.......My knees and wrists are painful too, we >are getting older you know......It can't be that bad, you must be able >to brush your own hair, etc etc. > >Not once did she ever come and visit, just sought to criticise over >the phone. I had to distance myself from her because I found her >negativity was having an impact on my health and ability to cope with >this disease. Just a few weeks ago she phoned to say that she had RA >too, just like me. All her blood tests are normal and she is on no >medication. She has no pain or stiffness and has no trouble getting >around but she has convinced herself that she has RA. It is >frustrating because she has no idea what it is like to have this >disease and I can't imagine anyone wanting to have it, but it is her >way of trying to compete and gain attention. > >The only way I can cope with this is to distance myself from her and I >have chosen not to discuss my health with her at all, except in the >most superficial way. > >I hope you are able to find some way of dealing with your 'friend' at >work because it is important not to let this person have a negative >impact on you and your ability to cope with your RA. > >Hope it all works out. Take care, > > > > > > > >

Help protect your PC with Virus Guard from MSN Premium: Join now and get the first two months FREE*

[Guest guest]

My problem is not my RA but a co-worker. She has

> been in my office for 5 years. I do consider her a friend. She's

a

> breast cancer survivor now for 2 years. However, she has a major

> habit that is extremely annoying—everything that I do she ends up

do

> the same thing.

This is a form of stalking. My guess is that she has a " crush " on

you. It can turn into something really unpleasant. I really don't

know what to tell you to do about it, however. A friend had a

similar situation and it started out a lot like your situation, but

when she tried to break off the friendship, it turned nasty and

eventually the police were involved. Be careful. I think this

woman has psychological issues we don't know about.

Sharon