RE: Need help in trying to deal withe rage toward myself.

[Guest guest]

Blass wrote:

> I have had my prostate removed in 2007 (due to climbing count

> of P.S.A.).Since then I feel lucky that at this point I am

> cancer free, but I am no longer a complete male. And so I live

> with rage directed at myself. I am reaching out to understand

> how best to deal with this.

,

I understand your feelings. Many of us have experienced

impotence and know what you are talking about.

I'm not sure what to say to you that will help. Different people

have different needs and I'm no better than anyone else at

understanding another person, but I'm going to try.

I'll begin by saying that I think that you are still every bit as

much of a man as you were before your treatment and as much as

any other man. You shouldn't think of yourself any other way.

You are not less attractive to women than you were. You are not

less able to have a happy and satisfying relationship.

You can provide every bit as much sexual satisfaction and

gratification to a woman as you could before, and maybe even

more. If a stiff penis were required to arouse a woman and bring

her to an orgasm, there wouldn't be any lesbians in the world. I

think the truth is that many women are actually put off and

turned off by men's single minded focus on penetration. In fact,

as they get older, women suffer changes of their own that make

penetration more painful than it was and less satisfying.

Most women wish their sexual partners would pay more attention to

their women's desires and needs. They wish that their men would

take more time, learn more about what their partner wants, and

keep trying to improve. And when a man does all that, he can

discover a world of excitement and gratification that too many

men don't even know exists. He may also find that his partner is

more interested and attracted to him than she was before.

If you try bimix or trimix, you may very well find that you can

have erections of any hardness or duration that you want. But

before you do that, I suggest that you explore all of the sexual

ideas and experiences that you may have ignored until now and

learn more about sex than you used to know. Learn more about how

to satisfy a woman. Learn how exciting it can be for you when

you excite her to a higher level than in the past. Learn more

about what you like even without an erection. Treat this as an

opportunity to grow, not as an irreparable loss.

If you do that, you'll be a lot more of a man, and a lot more

useful to a woman, than a brash youngster who is proud of his

physique but hasn't yet learned anything about women.

Alan

[Guest guest]

:

Alan was absoultely correct in his description of how to deal with women. As my

wife used to say: most of you guys don't have a clue about which buttons to push

and how.

Having said that here is my (typical) prgression to erctile function:

A few months after RP and without a useful erection my Uro prescribed one of the

Viagra clones, Levitra I think. It didn't work and gave me a two day headache.

He then prescribed a vacuum pump. This thing works by creating a vacuum and

sucking blood into the penis. It WILL do that, even on a cadaver I suspect. But

to hold the erection after the vacuum is removed you place a rubber ring around

the penis. This worked but an orgasm with this artificial thing grabbing the

base of my penis just wasn't going to happen.

Then he tried a hormone injection, a bi-mix in my case. It worked within ten

minutes. Once you get over the clinical part of injecting yourself, it is just

like normal sex. The erection lasts for an hour or more.

So face up to your problem and see your uro about a fix. As he said before the

surgery: if you want an erection, I can give you an erection. He did.

[Guest guest]

--

Oh, how you bring me back in time . . . There's a feeling, mixed of rage and

tears, that I remember very well.

You're not the only man to feel like that. I assume that " no longer a complete

male " means that you have serious ED.

Nobody (in the medical establishment) prepares us for that loss, and hardly

anyone takes it seriously.

.. . . " You followed " best practice " , you're cancer-free

.. . . -- what are you bitching about? "

I had surgery in October 2007. Over 3.5 years, I've come to accept the " new

me " . It hasn't always been easy. I've been helped immensely by my wife, who

has made it clear that _she_ thinks I'm a " complete male " , with erections or

without.

One of the highlights of that 3 year recovery period was the nice erection (one

year after surgery) after my first injection. My wife said it was the first

time in a year she'd seen me really smile. We'd been having sex during that

year, but something was missing, for me.<g>

The local PCa support group has been helpful, even though the men don't really

talk about their sexual problems. But it's nice to be in a room of people who

understand exactly what I'm going through.

My GP thinks that every PCa diagnosis should be have a prescription for

anti-depressants attached to it. I've been taking Wellbutrin, which has mostly

dissipated the dark cloud that used to hang over my head. It doesn't have any

effect on my sex function or libido; many anti-depressants do have such effects

-- be careful.

Before surgery, I read up on post-surgical sex side-effects, and listened to as

many people as I could. I came away with an important message:

.. . . My sex life could continue, even with a soft penis.

I'm happy using injections; other men have used VED's successfully. I decided,

before surgery, that I wouldn't get an implant. Since injections work for me,

I haven't been tempted down that path.

I don't know how much you've read, or who you've talked to. My standard

recommendations:

.. . . If you haven't seen a sexual-function specialist,

.. . . find one.

.. . . If you're married (or equivalent), and your sex life is

.. . . unsatisfactory, see a marriage counsellor or sex therapist.

.. . . Find _somebody_ to talk to about how you feel. Wife, friend,

.. . . therapist -- somehow, that rage has to come out and be

.. . . examined, and dealt with.

Two books I found useful (both on Amazon.com):

.. . . " Saving Your Sex Life: A Guide to Men with Prostate Cancer " --

.. . . Dr. Mulhall (for the medical facts)

.. . . " Intimacy with Impotence " -- Alterowitz (for the

.. . . emotional impact and how to deal with it)

On the US TOO website, you can join the ProstatePointers mailing list " PCAI "

(Prostate Cancer and Intimacy), which is devoted to discussions of sex life and

intimacy (not the same things!). There's a sign-up link here:

http://www.ustoo.org/Prostate_Pointers.asp

I wish I could reach out, and give you a hug. Not possible over the Internet,

yet. Just know that you're not alone --

>

> I have had my prostate removed in 2007 (due to climbing count of

> P.S.A.).Since then I feel lucky that at this point I am cancer free, but I

> am no longer a complete male. And so I live with rage directed at myself. I

> am reaching out to understand how best to deal with this.

>

[Guest guest]

Well said . You always give good support and advice. Regards,--Alan Meyerameyer2@...From: C To: ProstateCancerSupport Sent: Thursday, April 21, 2011 2:10 PMSubject: Re: Re: Need

help in trying to deal withe rage toward myself.

--Oh, how you bring me back in time . . . There's a feeling, mixed of rage and tears, that I remember very well.You're not the only man to feel like that. I assume that "no longer a complete male" means that you have serious ED. Nobody (in the medical establishment) prepares us for that loss, and hardly anyone takes it seriously. . . . "You followed "best practice", you're cancer-free . . . -- what are you bitching about?"I had surgery in October 2007. Over 3.5 years, I've come to accept the "new me". It hasn't always been easy. I've been helped immensely by my wife, who has made it clear that _she_ thinks I'm a "complete male", with erections or without.One of the highlights of that 3 year recovery period was the nice erection (one year after surgery) after my first injection. My wife said it was the first time in a year she'd seen me

really smile. We'd been having sex during that year, but something was missing, for me.<g>The local PCa support group has been helpful, even though the men don't really talk about their sexual problems. But it's nice to be in a room of people who understand exactly what I'm going through. My GP thinks that every PCa diagnosis should be have a prescription for anti-depressants attached to it. I've been taking Wellbutrin, which has mostly dissipated the dark cloud that used to hang over my head. It doesn't have any effect on my sex function or libido; many anti-depressants do have such effects -- be careful.Before surgery, I read up on post-surgical sex side-effects, and listened to as many people as I could. I came away with an important message:. . . My sex life could continue, even with a soft penis.I'm happy using injections; other men have used VED's successfully. I

decided, before surgery, that I wouldn't get an implant. Since injections work for me, I haven't been tempted down that path.I don't know how much you've read, or who you've talked to. My standard recommendations:. . . If you haven't seen a sexual-function specialist, . . . find one.. . . If you're married (or equivalent), and your sex life is . . . unsatisfactory, see a marriage counsellor or sex therapist.. . . Find _somebody_ to talk to about how you feel. Wife, friend,. . . therapist -- somehow, that rage has to come out and be . . . examined, and dealt with. Two books I found useful (both on Amazon.com):. . . "Saving Your Sex Life: A Guide to Men with Prostate Cancer" --. . . Dr. Mulhall (for the medical facts). . . "Intimacy with Impotence" -- Alterowitz (for the . . .

emotional impact and how to deal with it)On the US TOO website, you can join the ProstatePointers mailing list "PCAI" (Prostate Cancer and Intimacy), which is devoted to discussions of sex life and intimacy (not the same things!). There's a sign-up link here:http://www.ustoo.org/Prostate_Pointers.aspI wish I could reach out, and give you a hug. Not possible over the Internet, yet. Just know that you're not alone -- >> I have had my prostate removed in 2007 (due to climbing count of> P.S.A.).Since then I feel lucky that at this point I am cancer free, but I> am no longer a complete male. And so I live

with rage directed at myself. I> am reaching out to understand how best to deal with this. >------------------------------------There are just two rules for this group 1 No Spam 2 Be kind to othersPlease recognise that Prostate Cancerhas different guises and needs different levels of treatment and in some cases no treatment at all. Some men even with all options offered chose radical options that you would not choose. We only ask that people be informed before choice is made, we cannot and should not tell other members what to do, other than look at other options. Try to delete old material that is no longer applying when clicking replyTry to change the title if the content requires it

[Guest guest]

I don’t know if this will

help or not, but husband and wife duo Stephan Wilkinson and Crandell

wrote pieces describing their feelings after Stephan experienced ED. They gave

me permission to put the pieces on my site. They are at http://www.yananow.org/MechanicalFailure.htm

and http://www.yananow.org/WhatSex.htm

respectively.

As you may be aware, there are also Discussion

Forums dealing with this issue – some are listed at http://www.yananow.org/mailinglist.htm

(just page down).

When I was diagnosed back in 1996 there

was a man who, like you was enraged by his loss of ‘manhood’ –

so much so he used to post as Half-Man. Years later I came across him on

FaceBook of all places. He has come to accept the way he is and enjoys a great

life – mainly doing ‘manly’ things like fishing, hiking,

hunting, parachuting. I guess he does this to prove to himself and the world

that men are not linked solely to their power to have an erection.

I hope you find a way through the thicket

of your rage.

All the best

Prostate men need enlightening, not

frightening

Terry Herbert - diagnosed in 1996 and

still going strong

Read A Strange Place for unbiased information at http://www.yananow.org/StrangePlace/index.html

From: ProstateCancerSupport [mailto:ProstateCancerSupport ] On Behalf Of Blass

Sent: Thursday, 21 April 2011 4:14

AM

To: ProstateCancerSupport

Subject:

Need help in trying to deal withe rage toward myself.

I have had my prostate removed in 2007 (due to

climbing count of P.S.A.).Since then I feel lucky that at this point I am

cancer free, but I am no longer a complete male. And so I live with rage

directed at myself. I am reaching out to understand how best to deal with this.

[Guest guest]

Just saw this post, (dealing with husband’s surgery and then radiation). Like I tell my husband, “A prostate is not what makes a man.” There is much, much, much more to a real man....

I have had my prostate removed in 2007 (due to climbing count of P.S.A.).Since then I feel lucky that at this point I am cancer free, but I am no longer a complete male. And so I live with rage directed at myself. I am reaching out to understand how best to deal with this.