HUMOR: Happy Thanksgiving

[Guest guest]

>Happy Thanksgiving

>

>Martha will not be dining with us this

>Thanksgiving. I'm telling you in advance, so

>don't act surprised. Since Ms. won't

>be coming, I've made a few small changes:

>

>Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade,

>paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was

>decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows

>of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired

>welcoming effect.

>

>Once inside, our guests will note that the entry

>hall is not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and

>fall foliage I had planned to make. Instead, I've

>gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having

>them track in colorful autumn leaves from the front

>yard. The mud was their idea.

>

>The dining table will not be covered with expensive

>linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible,

>we will use dishes that match and everyone will get

>a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain

>from using the plastic Rabbit plate and the

>Santa napkins from last Christmas.

>

> Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit

> and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be

> displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted

> from the finest construction paper. The artist

> assures me it is a turkey.

>

> We will be dining fashionably late. The children

> will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be

>happy to share every choice comment I have made

>regarding Thanksgiving, Pilgrims, and the turkey

>hotline.

>Please remember that most of these comments were

>made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey

>was still hard enough to cut diamonds.

>

>As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will

>play a recording of tribal drumming. If the

>children should mention that I don't own a recording of

>tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds

>suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore

>them. They are lying.

>

>We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver

>bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we

>chose to keep our traditional method. We've also

>decided against a formal seating arrangement.

>When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather

>around the table and sit where you like.

>

>In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children

>to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next

> door.

>

>Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person

>carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative

>onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner.

>For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a

>private ceremony. I stress " private " meaning: Do not, under

>any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do

>not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my

>progress.

>I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It

>stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we

>will eat.

>

>I would like to take this opportunity to remind my

>young diners that " passing the rolls " is not a

>football play. Nor is it a request to bean your brother in

>the head with warm tasty bread. Oh, and one reminder

>for the adults: For the duration of the meal, and

>especially while in the presence of young diners,

>we will refer to the giblet gravy by its

>lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions

>you regarding the origins or type of Cheese Sauce,

>plead ignorance.

>

>Before I forget, there is one last change.

>Instead of offering a choice between 12

>different scrumptious desserts, we will be

>serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished

>with whipped cream and small fingerprints.

>You will still have a choice; take it or leave it.

>

>Martha will not be dining with us

>this Thanksgiving. She probably won't come

>next year either. I am thankful.

" Anything less than mad, passionate, extraordinary love is a waste of time.

There are too many mediocre things in life and love shouldn't be one of them. "