Hopes & Fears- Birthday Reflections

November 3, 2000

Hi to all,

I am on the Dr. egroups list and the other day a list member began an

interesting thread on the list. The topic was what are our fears and hopes

in regards to surgery and subsequent weight loss. The following is my reply,

and I encourage others do share your own feelings.

I will begin with my fears, so I can end on a positive note. My

fears pertain to the surgery and recovery. For the most part, I am

not afraid of the surgery, which is strange for a woman who has held

on to her tonsils for the last few years, despite the objections of

many physicians. My only reason for hanging on to my tonsils has been

fear of surgery, and here I am electing to have lap BPD/DS and

feeling totally at peace with the decision and looking forward to

having a date for surgery.

My only surgery related fear is an irrational one. When I was 19, I

had a bone removed from my left foot and during the surgery I

awakened. I wasn't tubed, and my eyes were not taped, so I was able

to scream and see the look in the eyes of my anethesiologist. I

think he was as freaked as I was. As a result of that experience I

have a fear that I could have a repeat of that terrible experience.

Of course, I know that the chance of going through that again is

extremely remote, but it is still in the back of mind. Enough of

that!!!!

The above is my only surgery related fear. My other worry is

recovery. I have severe Fibromyalgia and Migraines and recovery from

my lap gallbladder removal was very painful, and that is a concern

but one for which I am prepared.

I am not in the least bit afraid of what I will experience through

the weight loss. I was thin until I broke my foot, twice, when I was

a senior in highschool. During my year on crutches I began suffering

from Fibromyalgia. I have struggled off and on with my weight since

then, so it has been a 14 year battle. I know how I feel when I weigh

what I should and I love that feeling, both physically and mentally.

Let me begin by saying, I would not change any of my experiences

because they shaped me into the person I am today and I am so much

better for it.

I divorced an abusive husband six years ago, and I had to get a

restraining order against him and then I had to become invisible. I

have gained 115 lbs. since then. In the beginning the weight gain was

deliberate, but in time it was out of my control. I have come such a

long way mentally, but I need some major physical help so that my

physical self can catch up with the strong, centered, determined,

tenacious, motivated woman that I am inside.

Today, I love myself so very much. I nuture my soul that was asleep

for years and is now awake and full of life. It is time that I love

the vehicle that transports my soul, equally. I would do anything

for a loved one and that carries over to what I know I must do for

myself.

My health problems have made weight loss through conventional means

an impossibility and I am no longer afraid to admit that. I am also

no longer ashamed, rather I am optimistic, and full of hope for a

better future that will include regained health and a body and mind

that are living together in harmony.

Alyssa

5'5 " 265 BMI 44 age 31

waiting for BC/BS CHIP (Illinois) to approve lap BPD/DS

Dr.

Hi to all,

I am adding my feelings to the thread started the other day in

regards to what we look forward to after surgery and what we fear.