Article: You'll Live The Life You Want Once You Learn To Love Yourself

[Guest guest]

EDITOR'S NOTE: Please join eDiets in welcoming

former male model and

recovering bulimic Dennis Henning to the

community. If you have any questions or comments

for our new columnist (no matter how tough you

feel they may be)

email them to Henning at

dennishenning@....

by Dennis Henning Special to eDiets.com

When growing up it was so important for me to seek

the acceptance and approval of the adults in my

life that as I grew older it was very difficult to

separate my beliefs and values from theirs. I

thought that in order to be accepted and liked

that I needed to suppress my emotions and feelings

so that I would not upset or hurt others. I was

willing to sacrifice my true happiness if I could

make them smile, laugh, forget their pain and

mainly love me.

As time went on and I grew older I tried to

duplicate how I acted as a child without realizing

the consequences I was to endure. I was ruled by

the fear that I was not good enough, smart enough,

attractive enough or important enough for others

to accept what I had to say. I was embarrassed

about the clothes I wore, the money we did not

have and having only a mother and two grandmothers

raise my brother and me. Don’t get me wrong.

They gave me everything they had and all the love

they could, but I allowed others to influence what

I thought I needed. What this eventually lead to

was closing myself off from the real world and

hiding in my food addiction, sexually acting out,

self-abuse, self-pity and slowly killing myself on

a daily basis.

What I did not have was an understanding of who I

was. Was I the child who wanted everyone’s

approval? Was I playing it safe and not accepting

responsibilities? Was I blaming others for my

dysfunctional lifestyle? Was I afraid that I

would find out I was really nothing? Was I afraid

to be honest? To tell you the truth, it was all

of this that kept me heading in the wrong

direction. You may be asking where I am going

with all this. Well, I'm laying the foundation

for others to see that they are not alone. No

matter what we think we have done -- or what has

been done to us -- we have choices and it's OK to

put our needs first.

After many years I have been able to find out who

I am and to love myself for all those reasons I

believed others would not. It took a lot of tears

and so much pain, but it has been worth every

moment. I never thought I could be happy or

responsible, but I am. I was not a bad person

because I wanted to be happy. Neither are you.

I wasn't selfish because I did not take care of

others' needs first. Neither are you. We are

alike in many ways and we must learn to trust our

emotions, instincts, thoughts, feelings, wants,

desires and opinions because no matter where we

turn and where we are others will always try to

install their beliefs in our lives. What we went

through as children can heal. What we do to help

others can last a lifetime. Now for this week's

reader questions:

Mr. Henning, My husband seems to always head

right for the fridge when he gets home every

night. Our 15-year-old son has begun to follow

his father's lead and sit in front of the TV with

him until it is time for bed. I have asked my

husband to eat at the dinner table and he says

that he works hard all day and it is his only time

to relax. Our son has gained a lot of weight

these past four months and I cannot get him to

stop eating. He says it's the only time he really

has with dad. What can I do?

. M , It seems as if your son has a need

to bond with his father and the only way he can

relate to dad is to eat and watch TV with him at

night. Many parents work long, hard hours and

they deserve to rest and relax when they can. But

if their actions are detrimental to their children

then it is time to make a change. Explain to your

husband what you have noticed about your son's

weight and your concern for his health. Let him

know that research has proven that children will

follow their parents actions in order to get

approval and attention, and that sometimes those

actions can have an everlasting negative affect on

children. If your husband does not want to change

these habits for himself ask him to do it for your

son. This might just work for him as well. One

last thing: start to put healthier foods in the

fridge for your husband and son to help them on

this journey. Remind your husband that you and he

are the mirror for which your son sees himself.

**********

Dennis, It seems as if you have been through a

lot. When did you know it was time to stop your

destructive lifestyle and make the changes you

have?

B.

, After waking up every day and not having

any answers to my own questions I realized that I

needed to let someone else help me and guide me.

I was so wrapped up in doing it my way that

everything just passed me by. I would gain a

measure of success and then lose it. I was unable

to hold down work, keep a car, have a bank account

or gain others' trust. I was tired of not being

able to take care of the simple things in life. I

realized that I had a purpose and if I was to ever

find out what it was I had to give up my security

blanket and take chances. It was not easy and I

hit many roadblocks along the way, but I stuck

with it and listened to those who knew more than I

did and to this day I continue to work my daily

process that keeps me focused and excited about

life.

Dennis Henning is the founder of the Freedom

Institute for Living. He provides retreats to

reunite the mind, body and soul and helps people

work with others to make choices and take control

of their lives. He is a leading advocate in the

treatment, education and awareness of eating

disorders.