fw: Small Children

[Guest guest]

This turned up on one of DH's sites thought you would appreciate it

Caroline

Jersey

> " Small Children "

Trying to dress an active little one is like trying

to thread a sewing machine while it's running.

There are only two things a child will share

willingly: communicable diseases and their

mother's age.

Cleaning your house while your kids are at

home is like trying to shovel the driveway

during a snowstorm.

Kids really brighten a household; they never

turn off any lights.

An alarm clock is a device for waking people

up who don't have small kids.

Shouting to make your kids obey is like using

the horn to steer your car, and you get about

the same results!

Any child can tell you that the sole purpose

of a middle name is so he can tell when he's

really in trouble.

" Mustard "

(This is a true story. If you have children you will

probably relate to this father. The names have

been changed to protect the dignity of the father.)

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection.

A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce

and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet

mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in

anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our

backyard, picked it up with both hands but was

stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. " Hold

ny (our six-week-old son) while I get my

sandwich, " she said. I had him balanced between

my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching

again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a

streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard.

I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the

first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue

protruding. With a washcloth in each hand, I did

the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did

it on my tongue. Later (after she stopped crying

from laughing so hard), my wife said, " Now you

know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.' "