Re: God Grant me the SERENITY

April 9, 2006

Lee Anne,

Thats awful what your brother did. Sometimes people don't think before they speak. You are in my prayers.

Hugs

nne

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God Grant me the SERENITY

to accept the things I cannot change....

The COURAGE to change the things I can...

and the WISDOM to know the difference...

Man has that hit home with me the past few weeks. Last week, my brother came in the house, looked at me and said, "You look just like daddy and I hate that bald head." I was devastated. I cried for 3 days. Every time he walked in the house, I would go to my room. I would only talk to him when absolutely necessary and I even avoided that. Upset and hurt wasn't even close to the feelings and emotions I had.

You see, the last time any of us saw Daddy alive, he was drunk, sitting cross legged in the middle of the living room floor and had shaved his head. He weighed in over 300 lbs and looked like Buddha. That has been 27 years ago. I still remember it vividly. To be compared to him struck something deep in my soul.

To add to that pain, my second chemo was a couple of days before and I had been given a shot of Neulasta to improve my white blood cell count. It made me feel like I had the flu. I was achey besides being sick from the chemo. I didn't need his input at all.

My sister talked to him and he said he would apologize to me but had to come up with the "right words". That was a week ago. He still hasn't spoken to me about this.

I was talking to someone on Friday about this, my OA angel. I think that talking to someone else about this probably helped me more than anything because I was able to finally go to him. I told him that I was upset over what he said, but that I'm not daddy, nor will I ever be. I also explained to him that the stubble on my head is coming out, causing my hair to hurt. I've tried wearing hats in the house, but because it's so uncomfortable and because I have to wear one when I go out, I'm not wearing a hat in the house. I want to be comfortable at home. I wanted him to know that even though it hurt me tremendously, I understand that he doesn't like the bald head. I certainly don't like it, but there is nothing I can do about it other than what I'm doing.

He finally apologized and we were able to hug. As hard as it is on him, hopefully he now understands what I'm dealing with.

Food has been pretty good during this. I've eaten a few things off of my food plan, but not much. My appetite is so bad right now. If I find something I can tolerate, I eat it. Even at that, I lost 4 lbs from Monday to Friday, even with IV fluids. Right now I'm craving salt like crazy. Instead of caving in and submitting to the cravings, I'm just eating small amounts hoping to get past that craving soon.

God is doing for me what I can't do for myself. One Day at a Time!!!

Love

Lee Anne

April 9, 2006

Oh, Lee Anne, it breaks my heart to think you had to go through that with your brother. I'm glad you were able to front him about it. Things aren't bad enough going through bc and then we have to deal with others who just can't accept it and throw it back at us.... like its our fault. Nothing like hitting someone when they are down.

I've learned my emotions lay right on my sleeve. Don't have a had skin (never was very hard) and bad things bring everything up to the surface.... good things do as well.

Hope your days get better, your treatments get better and you remember we are all there for you. Bald means you are a fighter.... one day at a time.

Barb