Re: Mother in Laws

[Guest guest]

, your description of your mother-in-law and your love for her (despite some negatives) had made me love her too! I hope she knows how powerful your lover for her is, b/c it takes a strong nature to be able to translate that love via e-mail to complete (or mostly) strangers. Thanks so much for that, and the unique perspective on culture!

Some of the things you wrote about made me think about how I deal with my own relationships as the impact my food issues. Since no relationship is perfect, I tend to treat mine as reflections of my relationship with the world. What I mean is that none of us can control what the world or people throw at us--it might be insults, it might be triggering diet commentary, or anything else. But we can control how we react to it. Of course in important or close relationships sharing our struggles can be very important, but for me I've shared my issues with food with very few people. Only my husband, one co-worker but only after she told me she has read the book and started practicing as well, and to my mother only a bit. I don't feel comfortable sharing them with anyone else, so thus must accept and deal with my own reactions to other peoples' comments myself. 

I'm thinking about this now b/c next weekend I'm going camping with my family. This is a very " charged " activity for me because my family has A LOT of eating and dieting issues (and are probably the cause of some of my own). It is also emotionally charged because I read the IE book right before my trip two years ago, so now each trip causes me to reflect on my progress and its easy for me to recall what I did and how I behaved in the years prior. 

This is an annual trip that we've been making for many years, and for some reason I can look back at all of the trips and recall many " food moments, " like the year I brought pre-packaged South Beach meals so I could stick with my diet, and then of course broke down and binged on the 2nd day. Or the year I don't think I was hungry at all the entire time, I ate so much. I couldn't tell you what I ate or did two years ago on a random Monday, but I could tell you what I ate and did on this camping trip two, three, or five years ago, so it provides a unique window for me to look back upon.

So, I'm getting a little apprehensive about the trip b/c of all these things. Because I know I'll be nostalgic about my IE journey and monitoring my choices more closely b/c of that. Because I'm afraid all of the discussion might revolve around everyone's diets, or around how unhealthy all of the " fun " foods we are eating are, or how in our family " we are over-eaters, " or one of my family members noticing and judging my weight gain.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my family. They don't realize how fraught and twisted their food issues are. I believe that part of my issues have been inherited or passed through the DNA. But I know I can love them and learn to deal with what they throw at me all at the same time (and maybe feel comfortable sharing sometime in the future too).

Thanks for sharing!- Casey

[Guest guest]

Wow! Good for you on all of it.  Sounds like you're doing an awesome job.  I made the mistake of jumping into cultural norms and assuming what she said was offensive.  Sorry about that. Sandy

 

Oh, don't feel for me.  I love my mother-in-law.  She's an amazing woman and we have a great relationship.

When she calls me fat, my husband doesn't have to say anything because I talk back to her.  She told me I was fat when we were shopping alone together.  The first time, I told her to stop.  The second time, I told if she said it again, I would leave her at the outlet mall alone.  She stopped.

She told me to exercise more because it would make me thinner and I told her that her son liked my chest and butt as they are now, because I have " a big American chest. "   She told me I needed braces to fix a gap in my teeth and that I would be more beautiful. (In Korean culture, if you have a gap between your teeth, it means you'll lose all of your money.) I told her it was OK because I was already rather

beautiful.  My husband was horrified, because this was on our third meeting--my mother was amused and said I was a smart woman.She tells me I should eat less while shoving food in my face.  I call her on it and she says she worries about me being hungry.  I tell her fine, then I would happily eat her delicious food and get fat.

When I sass back to Mother, she says, " Aiiiiiiggggoooooo [oh my God], my foreign daughter-in-law is so funny! " My mother-in-law supports my belly dancing, my taekwondo (which I'm not doing right now because the local school owner is a thief), my work, my grad classes, ME.  She scolds my husband when he doesn't help out around the house.  She told me my husband needed to cook more, and I asked why she didn't teach him to cook.  She said, " Ah!  , he was supposed to marry a Korean woman!  I am sorry, will you teach him how to cook? "   So I do, and then she

expects him to cook, even when I say I like cooking.  She's amazing.My husband will come between us when needed--the battles over tomato juice and fabric softener come to mind--but in this matter, he doesn't need to come between us.  I stand up for myself and it's pretty much water off of my back.

I should say--I lived in Korea for two years and did taekwondo in public for demos and I got used to having STRANGERS comment on my weight.  It really is cultural, and as weird as it is, it is a sign of care.  (Telling someone they look sick or they're too thin or they look tired are also all signs of care, too.  I knew of a Korean exchange student who came to America.  She'd been burned on her arms when she was a child, and she thought none of her American friends cared about her because they never asked how it happened.  She was coming at it from a Korean viewpoint, and they were being good American

friends.)Because I lived in Korea and got used to the culture, there are a lot of things I let roll off of my back.  If I had only lived in America and if my mother-in-law were an immigrant who should " know " American culture (whatever that means), I might feel differently.  And I feel like I married into her family, she didn't marry into mine, so *I* need to be the more flexible one.  I know others disagree with me, but that's how I feel.

Also, the comments Mother make are such a small, small portion of our time together, they just don't really bother me.  If I made a huge deal over these minor, cultural incidents, I don't think I'd have the relationship with her I have.  What's more important to me is that she accepts me as her daughter, and cares for me, and teaches me how to cook Korean food, and comforts me when I'm upset, and helps me.  I have the best relationship with my mother-in-law of any of my

friends who are married to Korean men (and I know a half dozen other couples like us), and I'm not going to jeopardize it over her repeating a line she grew up hearing as a Korean.

Subject: Re: a lot of free time

To: " IntuitiveEating_Support " <IntuitiveEating_Support >

Date: Wednesday, May 25, 2011, 12:59 PM

 

I feel for the two women who spoke of their Korean mom's scolding. My own mother and grandmother used to do the same to me. It feels awful. I have a new relationship with my mother but I will say she figured it out when I gained a lot of weight int unhappy marriage. It doesn't help or work to scold. Now she says nothing and she knows that the best way to help me is to be supportive in my happiness. 

I would ask both of you what your husbands say about this?Patti

[Guest guest]

I should remember cultural differences. I went to grad school with a Chinese woman and a Jewish woman. There was a class project we were all on and the Chinese woman said to the Jewish woman, "you have a very large nose. " we all ignored it but she persisted. "your nose is quite big. It's the largest nose I've ever seen!" one of us finally spoke up in her defense. Turns out that telling someone they have a large nose is a compliment. PattiShe told me I needed braces to fix a gap in my teeth and that I would be more beautiful. (In Korean culture, if you have a gap between your teeth, it means you'll lose all of your money.) I told her it was OK because I was already rather

beautiful. My husband was horrified, because this was on our third meeting--my mother was amused and said I was a smart woman

[Guest guest]

I admire your relationship with your MIL!! What a great support system and how wonderful that you are able to tell her when something bothers you and that she actually LISTENS(maybe after you've said it a few times, but still). This is the important part -- that you feel free to be who you are and accept yourself so much that she can't help but to do the same. Kudos to you.

My relationship with my MIL is not like this. In fact, we no longer have any type of relationship. After she said the hurtful things about my weight (it was among many other insults), I have not seen or spoken to her (almost 3 years now). It's not the way I would want it, but sometimes you have to protect yourself at the cost of an important relationship. My husband supports me in this. Another thing that killed our relationship was my illness. I had cancer at age 34 and she never called throughout my surgery, chemotherapy, or radiation treatments (a six month period). After cancer, I no longer feel I have to be a doormat for anyone. So, actually it's all good! So now I am working to have healthy relationship with food and my body and to enjoy my life to the fullest.

Mimi

Subject: Re: a lot of free timeTo: "IntuitiveEating_Support " <IntuitiveEating_Support >Date: Wednesday, May 25, 2011, 12:59 PM

I feel for the two women who spoke of their Korean mom's scolding. My own mother and grandmother used to do the same to me. It feels awful. I have a new relationship with my mother but I will say she figured it out when I gained a lot of weight int unhappy marriage. It doesn't help or work to scold. Now she says nothing and she knows that the best way to help me is to be supportive in my happiness.

I would ask both of you what your husbands say about this?

Patti

[Guest guest]

Good lesson.  Last night I went on line and looked up the artist know for his paintings of " over sized " women.  I printed out several of those pictures that I had not been able to look at before without being uncomfortable, not because of the nudity but because of my judgement of how over weight they were.  It says a lot about me and my perception of ok/not ok, attractive/unattractive and the like.  My significant other has said even when I met him that he likes women that are not skinny/thin.  I only half believed him because I did not know how any man could like a woman who was overweight.  That says a lot more to my acceptance than his. Last night as I looked at the art work, not only did I realize that in different times and places that image was a beautiful one aspired to by women, but I began to feel some acceptance of others and mostly of myself.  I began to see the beauty in all women and men.  He did art work of over-weight men too.  And they weren't the image we have today of the guy with a six pack. I intend to post those pictures of the women in my bedroom as a reminder of their beauty. And of my own. And I am going to read again the book " Big Fat Lies " that I mentioned in my last post. Sandy

 

I should remember cultural differences.  I went to grad school with a Chinese woman and a Jewish woman. There was a class project we were all on and the Chinese woman said to the Jewish woman, " you have a very large nose. " we all ignored it but she persisted. " your nose is quite big. It's the largest nose I've ever seen! " one of us finally spoke up in her defense.  Turns out that telling someone they have a large nose is a compliment. 

Patti

She told me I needed braces to fix a gap in my teeth and that I would be more beautiful. (In Korean culture, if you have a gap between your teeth, it means you'll lose all of your money.) I told her it was OK because I was already rather

beautiful.  My husband was horrified, because this was on our third meeting--my mother was amused and said I was a smart woman

[Guest guest]

I don't want to start a commentary about politics or about infidelity, but I thought I'd point out that Ah-nold's secret girlfriend was not a size two. Patti. My significant other has said even when I met him that he likes women that are not skinny/thin. I only half believed him because I did not know how any man could like a woman who was overweight. That says a lot more to my acceptance than his.