first contact with nada in 17 months

[Guest guest]

She phoned me just now, I did not recognise the number and picked up. Straight

away she said its mum, I want to tell you how sorry I am, I have been horrible

to you and not a very good mother, I deal with my anger incorrectly and have

been mean and cruel and said very cruel things to you and I am sorry. I don't

expect anything I am not asking for anything I just wanted to say this to you.

I said ok. That was all.

Wow. Don't know why she said it but she has. I am shocked, I am 34 and have

never heard her say this to anyone.

[Guest guest]

just accept it...don't look into it...you deserved that apology, but don't let

it produce any guilt.

sometimes a surprise apology induces feelings of yuckiness...but try to just

accept it for whatever reason she felt to give it to you.

some of us never get to hear that apology.

i got the same apology a few years ago...and i appreciated it. it didn't wipe

away anything that i felt, but i did store it away into my bank of feelings.

first contact with nada in 17 months

She phoned me just now, I did not recognise the number and picked up. Straight

away she said its mum, I want to tell you how sorry I am, I have been horrible

to you and not a very good mother, I deal with my anger incorrectly and have

been mean and cruel and said very cruel things to you and I am sorry. I don't

expect anything I am not asking for anything I just wanted to say this to you.

I said ok. That was all.

Wow. Don't know why she said it but she has. I am shocked, I am 34 and have

never heard her say this to anyone.

[Guest guest]

just accept it...don't look into it...you deserved that apology, but don't let

it produce any guilt.

sometimes a surprise apology induces feelings of yuckiness...but try to just

accept it for whatever reason she felt to give it to you.

some of us never get to hear that apology.

i got the same apology a few years ago...and i appreciated it. it didn't wipe

away anything that i felt, but i did store it away into my bank of feelings.

first contact with nada in 17 months

She phoned me just now, I did not recognise the number and picked up. Straight

away she said its mum, I want to tell you how sorry I am, I have been horrible

to you and not a very good mother, I deal with my anger incorrectly and have

been mean and cruel and said very cruel things to you and I am sorry. I don't

expect anything I am not asking for anything I just wanted to say this to you.

I said ok. That was all.

Wow. Don't know why she said it but she has. I am shocked, I am 34 and have

never heard her say this to anyone.

[Guest guest]

Thank you Annie, my brother just gave me a lift to the train and had a card from

nada. It says tomorrow is the tenth anniversary of her cancer and she survived

with help and support from family and friends and I am one of them thank you

will never forget it etc. He said she sends them every year, well yes but I did

not get one last year so who knows this may have prompted her softening but also

I think I am the only family member ever to have stood up to her and gone NC.

Not sure if you saw my previous post but I have been visiting FOO near nadas

house, family she will not keep in touch with so this may have prompted her too.

I appreciate everyone's thoughts as going to need time to digest this, hoping it

is real and not a trap but you are right time will tell. Would be wonderful if

she has sought help, I do not know as never ask my dad about her but over a year

ago I did tell him if she sought help/apologised there may be a chance of

communicating again.

Thanks again for taking the time to reply

> >

> > She phoned me just now, I did not recognise the number and picked up.

Straight away she said its mum, I want to tell you how sorry I am, I have been

horrible to you and not a very good mother, I deal with my anger incorrectly and

have been mean and cruel and said very cruel things to you and I am sorry. I

don't expect anything I am not asking for anything I just wanted to say this to

you.

> > I said ok. That was all.

> > Wow. Don't know why she said it but she has. I am shocked, I am 34 and have

never heard her say this to anyone.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you Annie, my brother just gave me a lift to the train and had a card from

nada. It says tomorrow is the tenth anniversary of her cancer and she survived

with help and support from family and friends and I am one of them thank you

will never forget it etc. He said she sends them every year, well yes but I did

not get one last year so who knows this may have prompted her softening but also

I think I am the only family member ever to have stood up to her and gone NC.

Not sure if you saw my previous post but I have been visiting FOO near nadas

house, family she will not keep in touch with so this may have prompted her too.

I appreciate everyone's thoughts as going to need time to digest this, hoping it

is real and not a trap but you are right time will tell. Would be wonderful if

she has sought help, I do not know as never ask my dad about her but over a year

ago I did tell him if she sought help/apologised there may be a chance of

communicating again.

Thanks again for taking the time to reply

> >

> > She phoned me just now, I did not recognise the number and picked up.

Straight away she said its mum, I want to tell you how sorry I am, I have been

horrible to you and not a very good mother, I deal with my anger incorrectly and

have been mean and cruel and said very cruel things to you and I am sorry. I

don't expect anything I am not asking for anything I just wanted to say this to

you.

> > I said ok. That was all.

> > Wow. Don't know why she said it but she has. I am shocked, I am 34 and have

never heard her say this to anyone.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you Annie, my brother just gave me a lift to the train and had a card from

nada. It says tomorrow is the tenth anniversary of her cancer and she survived

with help and support from family and friends and I am one of them thank you

will never forget it etc. He said she sends them every year, well yes but I did

not get one last year so who knows this may have prompted her softening but also

I think I am the only family member ever to have stood up to her and gone NC.

Not sure if you saw my previous post but I have been visiting FOO near nadas

house, family she will not keep in touch with so this may have prompted her too.

I appreciate everyone's thoughts as going to need time to digest this, hoping it

is real and not a trap but you are right time will tell. Would be wonderful if

she has sought help, I do not know as never ask my dad about her but over a year

ago I did tell him if she sought help/apologised there may be a chance of

communicating again.

Thanks again for taking the time to reply

> >

> > She phoned me just now, I did not recognise the number and picked up.

Straight away she said its mum, I want to tell you how sorry I am, I have been

horrible to you and not a very good mother, I deal with my anger incorrectly and

have been mean and cruel and said very cruel things to you and I am sorry. I

don't expect anything I am not asking for anything I just wanted to say this to

you.

> > I said ok. That was all.

> > Wow. Don't know why she said it but she has. I am shocked, I am 34 and have

never heard her say this to anyone.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi. Please let us know how things go.

Also, proceed with caution and protect yourself. My nada did this a while back.

In my case, it was a ploy because of the higher stakes of LC and missing the

grandchildren. (I let her see them as much as she wants - with supervision;

unstated rule on my side.)

[Guest guest]

Thanks, good advice...I spoke with my aunt (dads brothers wife, nada does not

like her) and she reminded me of abusive situations she saw when I was younger

that I had forgotten or buried. She reminded me that it could be because I was

visiting family nearby and it is her 10 yr anniversary of getting cancer and so

that may be why she got in touch with me.

My DH is away at the moment and we have planned a trip to visit FOO near nada in

a couple of weeks because we will not be visiting at Christmas so I may see her

then. I have not decided, still letting it all sink in.

Maybe this came at a good time as I just found this group, just found out a

about BPD and have come through a year of deep misery stronger and finally able

to talk.

My aunt told me that my dads side of the family love me and stand by me and are

so angry that my dad has no spine when it comes to her. I actually feel pretty

loved by family at the moment, my sister, brother and dad are still in oz but I

am not and never will be again.

I think I could see nada now without feeling anger hate or love, just going to

make sure I have my DH or someone else I trust with me as don't want to spend

any time alone with her at this point.

Does that make sense? I am typing and thinking it through at the same time! I

feel like nada etc are waiting for me to make the next move but I don't know

what that is. So confusing.

Thank you for reading

>

> Hi. Please let us know how things go.

>

> Also, proceed with caution and protect yourself. My nada did this a while

back. In my case, it was a ploy because of the higher stakes of LC and missing

the grandchildren. (I let her see them as much as she wants - with supervision;

unstated rule on my side.)

>

[Guest guest]

I think that its very wise of you to always have someone with you when you visit

your nada, and don't let her get you alone. Just be polite, that's all that's

necessary.

If she is a typical bpd person, she'll attempt to get you alone to verbally

attack you, or say things to you that she will later deny having said, or she'll

say that you misinterpreted her, or something similarly manipulative.

Always have a witness right there with you. If your nada is like mine she will

behave much better around other people, and won't be nearly as likely to attempt

to verbally abuse you, act out, or FOG you. (use Fear, Obligation, or Guilt to

manipulate you.)

Be prepared that it will probably piss her off if she can't get you alone,

but... so what?

-Annie

> >

> > Hi. Please let us know how things go.

> >

> > Also, proceed with caution and protect yourself. My nada did this a while

back. In my case, it was a ploy because of the higher stakes of LC and missing

the grandchildren. (I let her see them as much as she wants - with supervision;

unstated rule on my side.)

> >

>

[Guest guest]

From " freegletime " :

" I actually feel pretty loved by family at the moment, my sister, brother and

dad are still in oz but I am not and never will be again.

I think I could see nada now without feeling anger hate or love, just going to

make sure I have my DH or someone else I trust with me as don't want to spend

any time alone with her at this point. "

From Annie:

" I seem to bring out the worst in my nada, and vice versa. "

-Annie

====================================

Dear Freegletime, Annie, and others,

I'm not going back to oz either. It's interesting how Annie mentioned that we

bring out the worst in each other. I have definitely noticed that.

Ok, so before I found this group, I went to Nada's rescue. My step-dad passed

away and nada needed to move, deal with health insurance etc., and figure out

how to live on her own. I got into it REALLY deep - advising her and referring

her to professionals around town to help and even helping her move into a house

WITHIN WALKING DISTANCE of mine!!! Of course, she hurt my business reputation

with associates and did just about everybody wrong in the process. She was

driving me totally nuts with the constant phone calls and pleas/demands for

help.

So I started looking into BPD because I had suspected it before. Only after her

" stabilizer/enabler's " death, did I learn how severely affected she was. Then I

realized that my childhood was not normal. For example, up until yesterday, I

thought that all adults killed their children's pets. I'm not quite as dense as

I sound; there are just so many things I never thought to question and didn't

want to think about anyway.

So I got the bright idea to walk over there with my youngest son yesterday.

What was I thinking? So many times, the idealistic vision in my mind is so

nice. I set myself up for this stuff. Of course, I called first to reinforce

the boundary I set years before that she call before " stopping by " . This helps

me get ready, armor in place, before she arrives.

Anyway, she was severely depressed, dark mood and appearance, saying only

dramatically negative things about her horrible life - doesn't have enough

money, can't get health insurance, too old to get a job, lonely, etc. etc. etc.

I didn't go in the house and had a " clinical " view of the situation. A month

ago, I never would have thought I could be around her without buying in to the

games and guilt. I wasn't angry, just didn't feel much good or bad. I felt

kind of like I imagine a " normal " person would feel. I just didn't want to be

around this unpleasant woman. So I politely said I needed to get my son home

for nap and left with a wave and a smile. Amazing.

-Coal Miner's Daughter

(One meaning for this name is that she is so dark and depressed much of the

time, pulls the blinds and won't go into the sunshine. I actually wondered at

one time if she was a vampire. :-) It's like she is tunneling through this

dark, heavy coal in a mine, by choice, ironically digging herself in deeper all

the time.)