Re: A Message For Our Newer Members

[Guest guest]

Dear ,

Thank you for pointing this out and my apologies to our members if I offended

anyone.

I was trying to relay a point made to me by my therapist about the habit of

" oversexualizing " in my BP Mother, and I am sure my therapist phrased it in a

way that was more nuanced.

I will try to be more careful of my wording in my future posts,

Regards,

Coralie

[Guest guest]

Salut Carolie

I don't want you to feel as if you must " walk on eggshells " here.We all

need this board to be a place where we can honestly speak our truth and for that

to be safe.Occasionally we do disagree here but that can be resolved with an

attitude of mutual respect.

Personally I felt less offended by what was in your post than hurt by

it.

I appreciate it that you are willing to consider the feelings of other

members here.I'm not asking for you to censor the expression of your own

experience here,just to take on board that some of the members here have been

sexually abused.

Avec mes meilleurs souhaits,

>

> Dear ,

> Thank you for pointing this out and my apologies to our members if I offended

anyone.

> I was trying to relay a point made to me by my therapist about the habit of

" oversexualizing " in my BP Mother, and I am sure my therapist phrased it in a

way that was more nuanced.

> I will try to be more careful of my wording in my future posts,

> Regards,

> Coralie

>

[Guest guest]

Salut Carolie

I don't want you to feel as if you must " walk on eggshells " here.We all

need this board to be a place where we can honestly speak our truth and for that

to be safe.Occasionally we do disagree here but that can be resolved with an

attitude of mutual respect.

Personally I felt less offended by what was in your post than hurt by

it.

I appreciate it that you are willing to consider the feelings of other

members here.I'm not asking for you to censor the expression of your own

experience here,just to take on board that some of the members here have been

sexually abused.

Avec mes meilleurs souhaits,

>

> Dear ,

> Thank you for pointing this out and my apologies to our members if I offended

anyone.

> I was trying to relay a point made to me by my therapist about the habit of

" oversexualizing " in my BP Mother, and I am sure my therapist phrased it in a

way that was more nuanced.

> I will try to be more careful of my wording in my future posts,

> Regards,

> Coralie

>

[Guest guest]

Irene,I agree and I think there's an important distinction to be made between

people who were sexually abused and are *aware* of their issues and are working

on them--and people with BPD such as nadas who were sexually abused and as in

other areas are *unaware* of their issues/in denial of them/are inflicting them

on to others.

Sex abuse is not at all easy to live with but it certainly doesn't mean that

survivors are ipso facto dysfunctional and irreparably damaged.

>

> Well said. Sexual abuse, no matter at what age or how severe or how many times

leaves a memory that never seems to disappear. We try to work around it, learn

to live with it but it's still there. It doesn't mean we're going to be failures

in our adult lives.

[Guest guest]

Thank-you for your post. I too believe some people can heal and not

allow their pasts to repeat itself. I have been on a member here for over a year

now, and lately I have found that their is alot more judgement in the advice to

others. I enjoy the messages and think they are more of a support when we just

share our experiences and how we might handle situations.

In a post not long ago I was asking some advice and was informed that I seemed

rough around the edges.

Maybe I should of taken it as a compliment as I have been working on boundary

issues for a long time now and obviously it is working.

I have been a push over I have been all my life so maybe I have gained some

strength.

I think we have to feel safe here and share and support without judgement. I

also know we don't want to be walking on egg shells here and sometimes we might

step on each other's triggers.

I love this group and hope it remains a great resource for others on a journey

of healing.

Kazam x

>

> All of us here have been abused by our nadas (and/or our fadas/badas/sadas).

>

> Many of us here have also been sexually abused or battered as infants.There is

a tragic correlation between having a BPD mother and being sexually

assaulted,either directly by the BPD mother or as a result of her neglect which

gives predators an opportunity to sexually victimize her children.There is also

a tragic correlation between having a BPD mother and being mistreated/battered

as an infant.

>

> Although these correlations don't apply to every single member of this message

board,for many of us here,sexual abuse or mistreatment very early in our lives

are traumas we must deal with in addition to having a parent with BPD.

>

> All of us need this message board to be a safe and supportive place.

>

> I have read a couple of posts recently in which blanket statements were made

vis a vis both sexual abuse and infant battery.In one of these posts it was

suggested that someone who had been abused as an infant would have very little

chance of ever being " healthy " enough to overcome the abuse and also that such

an individual " would probably have BPD. "

>

> I'll bet that for most of us here,one of our worst fears is being told that

our experiences with our BPD parents have also doomed us to " having " BPD.Being

abused as an infant will not inevitably " give " someone BPD nor does it

automatically preclude one from ever being healthy.It is a trauma to be dealt

with to be sure,but to tar those of us who have such a history of abuse with the

BPD brush and to say that we would not be able to be " healthy " as a result of

abuse in our infancy is extremely invalidating of both our reality as the

non-BPD offspring of BPD parents and of our positive efforts to

heal--furthermore someone who was abused as an infant did nothing to bring that

upon themselves and deserves no condemnation for something they could have done

nothing to prevent.Implying that anyone who had been abused in infancy is de

facto permanently " unhealthy " is in my opinion a condemning judgemental call--it

is also incorrect and unhelpful in the context of this message board where some

of us have had such a trauma and are working to find hope and healing.

>

> In another post global comments were made about people who had been sexually

abused " oversexualizing everything " and " projecting onto their kids " .Those of us

here who were sexually abused are working on the issues we have from our

abuse--being sexually assaulted as a child is damaging beyond words,but again,it

doesn't automatically condemn one to mindless and destructive dysfunction.There

are members here who were sexually abused as children who are not " projecting "

it onto their kids but who are in fact conscientious parents.There are members

here who struggle every day with the fall out from being sexually violated who

are only too painfully aware of the challenges they face and who,in the context

of this message board,don't need the additional invalidation of having their

sexual abuse issues globally linked with the behavior of a BPD.The rest of

society already invalidates our experience as sexual abuse survivors in ways

similar to how it invalidates our reality as the children of the mentally

ill--and we are all here because we have awareness and want to heal and by our

participation here are seeking a community of peers,not more judgement and

invalidation.

>

> I'm not asking members to censor themselves or to bend over backwards trying

to be " sensitive " .We've all had enough of that in dealing with our BPDs.I am

simply asking that members bear in mind that others here have significant issues

surrounding sexual abuse and abuse in infancy in particular as a direct result

of having had a BPD parent and to refrain from painting " everyone " who has

suffered such abuse with a wide,condemning brush,especially one that taints the

individual with BPD by association.

>

> --

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Kazam,

I enjoy reading your posts and appreciate how positive you are as well

as your obvious sincerity and good will.

I totally agree with you that our messages are more of a support when

we share our experiences and our own solutions without passing judgement or

using what might come off as " shaming and blaming " language.

That was precisely my concern when I started this thread: I felt a need

to speak my piece but didn't want to appear to shame and blame anyone.I don't

know if I was able avoid coming off like that,but I did try.As you

said,sometimes we might step on eachother's triggers.I don't think anyone here

*wants* to start an argument--and in the rare cases when we do get a shit

stirrer on here,their posts can be forwarded to the mods,who will deal with it.

I've struggled with being a push over myself and can relate--and when I

do feel insulted,disrespected or dissed I have a hard time deciding whether or

not I would be justified in speaking up and how to do that effectively.Having

someone else frame the boundary you are setting in judgemental terms isn't very

helpful.But setting them at all is definitely a gaining in strength!

I love this group too and want it to be a safe healing resource for us

all.Thank you for your feedback and your positive thoughts

>

> Thank-you for your post. I too believe some people can heal and not

allow their pasts to repeat itself. I have been on a member here for over a year

now, and lately I have found that their is alot more judgement in the advice to

others. I enjoy the messages and think they are more of a support when we just

share our experiences and how we might handle situations.

> In a post not long ago I was asking some advice and was informed that I seemed

rough around the edges.

> Maybe I should of taken it as a compliment as I have been working on boundary

issues for a long time now and obviously it is working.

> I have been a push over I have been all my life so maybe I have gained some

strength.

> I think we have to feel safe here and share and support without judgement. I

also know we don't want to be walking on egg shells here and sometimes we might

step on each other's triggers.

> I love this group and hope it remains a great resource for others on a journey

of healing.

> Kazam x

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I thank you so much for being brave enough to speak up. I have felt like you on

some occassions with other subjects but just let it go. I too still have

trouble with speaking up to avoid saying the wrong thing. I had been wanting to

have my say but didn't want to start my own thread for fear of being judged

again or starting anything when I was offended by a poster. Your thread was a

perfect time for me to speak up on using the I statements and non-judgemental

feedback. Thanks again for your support. You sound so strong and speak so well

that it was pulled off beautifully.

I am getting better at being assertive and setting boundaries. At least in life

we get plenty of practice. LOL.

Kazam x

> >

> > Thank-you for your post. I too believe some people can heal and

not allow their pasts to repeat itself. I have been on a member here for over a

year now, and lately I have found that their is alot more judgement in the

advice to others. I enjoy the messages and think they are more of a support

when we just share our experiences and how we might handle situations.

> > In a post not long ago I was asking some advice and was informed that I

seemed rough around the edges.

> > Maybe I should of taken it as a compliment as I have been working on

boundary issues for a long time now and obviously it is working.

> > I have been a push over I have been all my life so maybe I have gained some

strength.

> > I think we have to feel safe here and share and support without judgement.

I also know we don't want to be walking on egg shells here and sometimes we

might step on each other's triggers.

> > I love this group and hope it remains a great resource for others on a

journey of healing.

> > Kazam x

>