Re: Nadas and trauma bonding

[Guest guest]

Annie,

Hard for me to read this. Again, too close to home.

I'm going to keep writing this post, though it may make no sense, to keep the

free-falling Dissassociation at bay. I hate this feeling. The

light-headedness. The spin. The dizziness. What does this say? Does it mean

that I'm going to have to deal with a flood of 'everything' coming back? Those

lost years that I would like to keep lost? Am I so easily triggered by logical

articles that speak to my linear self? My researcher? The safe place of

intellect where I have always gone in times of stress? Sigh....

Nowhere to run. Nowhere to hide.

Lynnette

>

> I'm beginning to think that how I was treated by my nada may have resulted in

" trauma bonding " for me; I think she broke my will, and I just kind of became

completely enmeshed with nada (and dad) up until I was about 33 or so.

>

> Here's an excerpt from an interesting article about what " trauma bonding " is

and how it occurs, and it really resonates with me. Its when the child's (or

adult victim's) abuser also becomes her rescuer, but then becomes her abuser

again, over and over:

>

> " Many victims of severe and unrelenting trauma, whether domestic violence,

incest, or ritual abuse, will find that they feel anxious when alone, and fear

abandonment and isolation. The over-dependent characteristics are NOT a

personality fault, but a result of the chronic abuse. This is often rooted in

the fact that as a child, the trauma survivor was not only a CAPTIVE to their

abuse, but they depended upon their perpetrator for food, shelter, or other

> necessities. In addition, with ritual abuse, a small child will often be

abandoned for periods of time, to increase their dependency upon the very people

who are abusing them. Any two or three year old will be almost insanely grateful

to be rescued from a small box that they have been confined within for hours, or

from the dark confines of a musty basement where they have been left for a day

or two. Even the most abusive perpetrator will then become the child's rescuer,

> which is the foundation of trauma bonding. In trauma bonding, the person's

abuser will be perceived as the one who delivers and rescues from the abuse, as

well as the tormentor. This creates a psychological ambivalence that creates

dissociation in a young child. The very helplessness and terror that are

instilled by the abuse, cause the child (or later, the adult) to reach out to

the only available hand for relief: the perpetrator. And the perpetrator WILL

> rescue and stop the abuse, or take the child out of the confines of their

pain, but for a price: their unrelenting loyalty and obedience. This is the

traumatic underpinning of all cult programming that I have seen: a combination

of abuse and kindness; terror and rescue; degradation and praise. "

>

> I wasn't confined in a box or a closet or a basement, but I was " frozen out "

of my mother's good graces for periods of time (which felt like abandonment),

threatened with being sent away to an orphanage, forced to play outside when it

was uncomfortably hot or cold or wet so she could be alone, and then I'd be

insanely grateful when she'd seem to forgive me and act kindly toward me again.

Then there were the unpredictable episodes of terrifying rage and physical

punishment alternating with kind behaviors.

>

> It seems to me that emotional dysregulation, black-and-white thinking,

transient psychotic breaks with reality (delusional thinking, paranoia, etc.)

and unpredictable rages are GUARANTEED to produce " trauma bonding " in the young

child of a bpd parent.

>

> How could trauma bonding be avoided under those conditions?

>

> Here's the rest of the article

> http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/ritual_abuse/50317

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

Annie,for some reason my computer isn't downloading the article you posted so I

haven't been able to read more than the excerpt.But,yeah, " trauma bonding "

completely resonates with me too.I also don't see how trauma bonding could be

avoided under the condition of having a BPD of Cluster B parent if that parent

is untreated,unsupervised by clinicians and social workers and if a child is

left as basically a hostage in their " care " .

The strange thing about my abuse history is that both of my parents were

so rejecting and abandoning that I didn't have kindness alternating with

degradation,yet in my adult romantic relationships have ended up with just

that,like a trauma bonding after the fact: seeking kindness but accepting that

it would come with mistreatment.It's like I never got as far as any sort of

bonding with my parents so when I sought out romantic bonding experiences the

only thing that felt familiar was trauma bonding.Being " raised " by two Cluster

Bs conditioned me to be an obedient captive.I thought that I was being " rescued "

from the dark oblivion of total rejection by my partners when in reality I was

trauma bonding to them.

Thanks for sharing this,it clarified a few things for me.

I'd consider " trauma bonding " to fall on the " flop " end of the survival

continuum: fight/flight/freeze/flop.

For the children of the personality disordered,fight results in worse

punishment.Flight isn't possible.Freeze is perceived by the PD parent as an

invitation to abuse: most animals desist when another animal " freezes " but

mentally ill human beings will persist after someone adopts the " freeze "

position,viewing this as license to continue,which only leaves " flop " as a

survival solution. " Flop " is abject surrender, " flopping " to the will of the

abuser,making onself completely pliable in a last ditch effort to survive the

assault.This can be either psychologically or physically.Trauma bonding would be

adopting the " flop " position as the only alternative to outright annihilation.

It seems to me that if adopting the " freeze " position was sufficient to

stave off the attack,trauma bonding wouldn't occur because at some point one

could unfreeze and continue on one's way.And it seems to me that our Cluster B

pd parents force us into " flop " ,utterly surrendering to them,because they refuse

to desist at " freeze " .

>

> I'm beginning to think that how I was treated by my nada may have resulted in

" trauma bonding " for me; I think she broke my will, and I just kind of became

completely enmeshed with nada (and dad) up until I was about 33 or so.

>

> Here's an excerpt from an interesting article about what " trauma bonding " is

and how it occurs, and it really resonates with me. Its when the child's (or

adult victim's) abuser also becomes her rescuer, but then becomes her abuser

again, over and over:

>

> " Many victims of severe and unrelenting trauma, whether domestic violence,

incest, or ritual abuse, will find that they feel anxious when alone, and fear

abandonment and isolation. The over-dependent characteristics are NOT a

personality fault, but a result of the chronic abuse. This is often rooted in

the fact that as a child, the trauma survivor was not only a CAPTIVE to their

abuse, but they depended upon their perpetrator for food, shelter, or other

> necessities. In addition, with ritual abuse, a small child will often be

abandoned for periods of time, to increase their dependency upon the very people

who are abusing them. Any two or three year old will be almost insanely grateful

to be rescued from a small box that they have been confined within for hours, or

from the dark confines of a musty basement where they have been left for a day

or two. Even the most abusive perpetrator will then become the child's rescuer,

> which is the foundation of trauma bonding. In trauma bonding, the person's

abuser will be perceived as the one who delivers and rescues from the abuse, as

well as the tormentor. This creates a psychological ambivalence that creates

dissociation in a young child. The very helplessness and terror that are

instilled by the abuse, cause the child (or later, the adult) to reach out to

the only available hand for relief: the perpetrator. And the perpetrator WILL

> rescue and stop the abuse, or take the child out of the confines of their

pain, but for a price: their unrelenting loyalty and obedience. This is the

traumatic underpinning of all cult programming that I have seen: a combination

of abuse and kindness; terror and rescue; degradation and praise. "

>

> I wasn't confined in a box or a closet or a basement, but I was " frozen out "

of my mother's good graces for periods of time (which felt like abandonment),

threatened with being sent away to an orphanage, forced to play outside when it

was uncomfortably hot or cold or wet so she could be alone, and then I'd be

insanely grateful when she'd seem to forgive me and act kindly toward me again.

Then there were the unpredictable episodes of terrifying rage and physical

punishment alternating with kind behaviors.

>

> It seems to me that emotional dysregulation, black-and-white thinking,

transient psychotic breaks with reality (delusional thinking, paranoia, etc.)

and unpredictable rages are GUARANTEED to produce " trauma bonding " in the young

child of a bpd parent.

>

> How could trauma bonding be avoided under those conditions?

>

> Here's the rest of the article

> http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/ritual_abuse/50317

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

Annie,for some reason my computer isn't downloading the article you posted so I

haven't been able to read more than the excerpt.But,yeah, " trauma bonding "

completely resonates with me too.I also don't see how trauma bonding could be

avoided under the condition of having a BPD of Cluster B parent if that parent

is untreated,unsupervised by clinicians and social workers and if a child is

left as basically a hostage in their " care " .

The strange thing about my abuse history is that both of my parents were

so rejecting and abandoning that I didn't have kindness alternating with

degradation,yet in my adult romantic relationships have ended up with just

that,like a trauma bonding after the fact: seeking kindness but accepting that

it would come with mistreatment.It's like I never got as far as any sort of

bonding with my parents so when I sought out romantic bonding experiences the

only thing that felt familiar was trauma bonding.Being " raised " by two Cluster

Bs conditioned me to be an obedient captive.I thought that I was being " rescued "

from the dark oblivion of total rejection by my partners when in reality I was

trauma bonding to them.

Thanks for sharing this,it clarified a few things for me.

I'd consider " trauma bonding " to fall on the " flop " end of the survival

continuum: fight/flight/freeze/flop.

For the children of the personality disordered,fight results in worse

punishment.Flight isn't possible.Freeze is perceived by the PD parent as an

invitation to abuse: most animals desist when another animal " freezes " but

mentally ill human beings will persist after someone adopts the " freeze "

position,viewing this as license to continue,which only leaves " flop " as a

survival solution. " Flop " is abject surrender, " flopping " to the will of the

abuser,making onself completely pliable in a last ditch effort to survive the

assault.This can be either psychologically or physically.Trauma bonding would be

adopting the " flop " position as the only alternative to outright annihilation.

It seems to me that if adopting the " freeze " position was sufficient to

stave off the attack,trauma bonding wouldn't occur because at some point one

could unfreeze and continue on one's way.And it seems to me that our Cluster B

pd parents force us into " flop " ,utterly surrendering to them,because they refuse

to desist at " freeze " .

>

> I'm beginning to think that how I was treated by my nada may have resulted in

" trauma bonding " for me; I think she broke my will, and I just kind of became

completely enmeshed with nada (and dad) up until I was about 33 or so.

>

> Here's an excerpt from an interesting article about what " trauma bonding " is

and how it occurs, and it really resonates with me. Its when the child's (or

adult victim's) abuser also becomes her rescuer, but then becomes her abuser

again, over and over:

>

> " Many victims of severe and unrelenting trauma, whether domestic violence,

incest, or ritual abuse, will find that they feel anxious when alone, and fear

abandonment and isolation. The over-dependent characteristics are NOT a

personality fault, but a result of the chronic abuse. This is often rooted in

the fact that as a child, the trauma survivor was not only a CAPTIVE to their

abuse, but they depended upon their perpetrator for food, shelter, or other

> necessities. In addition, with ritual abuse, a small child will often be

abandoned for periods of time, to increase their dependency upon the very people

who are abusing them. Any two or three year old will be almost insanely grateful

to be rescued from a small box that they have been confined within for hours, or

from the dark confines of a musty basement where they have been left for a day

or two. Even the most abusive perpetrator will then become the child's rescuer,

> which is the foundation of trauma bonding. In trauma bonding, the person's

abuser will be perceived as the one who delivers and rescues from the abuse, as

well as the tormentor. This creates a psychological ambivalence that creates

dissociation in a young child. The very helplessness and terror that are

instilled by the abuse, cause the child (or later, the adult) to reach out to

the only available hand for relief: the perpetrator. And the perpetrator WILL

> rescue and stop the abuse, or take the child out of the confines of their

pain, but for a price: their unrelenting loyalty and obedience. This is the

traumatic underpinning of all cult programming that I have seen: a combination

of abuse and kindness; terror and rescue; degradation and praise. "

>

> I wasn't confined in a box or a closet or a basement, but I was " frozen out "

of my mother's good graces for periods of time (which felt like abandonment),

threatened with being sent away to an orphanage, forced to play outside when it

was uncomfortably hot or cold or wet so she could be alone, and then I'd be

insanely grateful when she'd seem to forgive me and act kindly toward me again.

Then there were the unpredictable episodes of terrifying rage and physical

punishment alternating with kind behaviors.

>

> It seems to me that emotional dysregulation, black-and-white thinking,

transient psychotic breaks with reality (delusional thinking, paranoia, etc.)

and unpredictable rages are GUARANTEED to produce " trauma bonding " in the young

child of a bpd parent.

>

> How could trauma bonding be avoided under those conditions?

>

> Here's the rest of the article

> http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/ritual_abuse/50317

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

" > I wasn't confined in a box or a closet or a basement, but I was " frozen out "

of my mother's good graces for periods of time (which felt like abandonment),

threatened with being sent away to an orphanage, forced to play outside when it

was uncomfortably hot or cold or wet so she could be alone, and then I'd be

insanely grateful when she'd seem to forgive me and act kindly toward me again.

Then there were the unpredictable episodes of terrifying rage and physical

punishment alternating with kind behaviors.

> "

Dear Annie,

I can very much relate to what you've posted. I am glad you posted about this, I

didn't know about this concept.

I agree that there is something sickening about alternating between physical

abuse and then seemingly loving behaviour.

I feel like my BP Mom often uses crisis to feel close and intimate with her

kids.

She throws on a big tantrums, there's some screaming, if there can be some

crying also on the part of her adult children, it's grea. And then there's the

call for peace " allright we're all good now, come to Mama " .

The last part is sickening, there is no trust, no will to hug on my part. Just

some big shame and some sense of relief I guess.

Last time I went back to France, I was a different person compared to the woman

who left for the US 2 years earlier.

There was no huge crisis between the two of us, I managed to escape any delicate

situation and stay out of her way. And there was my BF around a part of the

trip, a strong man, who I think might intimidate her on some level.

My Mom called me in tears after I said goodbye to leave France, she could barely

articulate on the phone, it was just scary. She said she felt like we didn't

really " connect " while I was there etc etc.

I couldn't help but feeling that she felt a lack of connection because she

didn't abuse me to the extent that she was used to. There was no tears. She

didn't make me cry and then " fixed " it.

I hope that makes sense,

Coralie

[Guest guest]

" > I wasn't confined in a box or a closet or a basement, but I was " frozen out "

of my mother's good graces for periods of time (which felt like abandonment),

threatened with being sent away to an orphanage, forced to play outside when it

was uncomfortably hot or cold or wet so she could be alone, and then I'd be

insanely grateful when she'd seem to forgive me and act kindly toward me again.

Then there were the unpredictable episodes of terrifying rage and physical

punishment alternating with kind behaviors.

> "

Dear Annie,

I can very much relate to what you've posted. I am glad you posted about this, I

didn't know about this concept.

I agree that there is something sickening about alternating between physical

abuse and then seemingly loving behaviour.

I feel like my BP Mom often uses crisis to feel close and intimate with her

kids.

She throws on a big tantrums, there's some screaming, if there can be some

crying also on the part of her adult children, it's grea. And then there's the

call for peace " allright we're all good now, come to Mama " .

The last part is sickening, there is no trust, no will to hug on my part. Just

some big shame and some sense of relief I guess.

Last time I went back to France, I was a different person compared to the woman

who left for the US 2 years earlier.

There was no huge crisis between the two of us, I managed to escape any delicate

situation and stay out of her way. And there was my BF around a part of the

trip, a strong man, who I think might intimidate her on some level.

My Mom called me in tears after I said goodbye to leave France, she could barely

articulate on the phone, it was just scary. She said she felt like we didn't

really " connect " while I was there etc etc.

I couldn't help but feeling that she felt a lack of connection because she

didn't abuse me to the extent that she was used to. There was no tears. She

didn't make me cry and then " fixed " it.

I hope that makes sense,

Coralie

[Guest guest]

Good for you for keeping some protective physical and emotional distance between

yourself and your bpd-mom; if your bpd-mom is like mine, she will continue to

abuse you as long as you allow her to.

People with personality disorder don't just recover all on their own, like

getting over a cold. It doesn't work that way. Having personality disorder is

more like being born color-blind, having to accept the fact that you can't see

what other people see (like the difference between red and blue) and learning to

function adequately in a world that operates in color even though your brain

can't perceive color at all.

Sometimes when we set very firm, very clear boundaries it motivates the person

with bpd to change their behaviors or even seek therapy, but with other

bpd-people it just enrages them and their negative behaviors escalate.

Anyway, good for you for recognizing the dysfunctional dynamic and protecting

yourself from further abuse. Big thumb's up of approval from me!

-Annie

>

> " > I wasn't confined in a box or a closet or a basement, but I was " frozen

out " of my mother's good graces for periods of time (which felt like

abandonment), threatened with being sent away to an orphanage, forced to play

outside when it was uncomfortably hot or cold or wet so she could be alone, and

then I'd be insanely grateful when she'd seem to forgive me and act kindly

toward me again. Then there were the unpredictable episodes of terrifying rage

and physical punishment alternating with kind behaviors.

> > "

>

> Dear Annie,

> I can very much relate to what you've posted. I am glad you posted about this,

I didn't know about this concept.

> I agree that there is something sickening about alternating between physical

abuse and then seemingly loving behaviour.

> I feel like my BP Mom often uses crisis to feel close and intimate with her

kids.

> She throws on a big tantrums, there's some screaming, if there can be some

crying also on the part of her adult children, it's grea. And then there's the

call for peace " allright we're all good now, come to Mama " .

> The last part is sickening, there is no trust, no will to hug on my part. Just

some big shame and some sense of relief I guess.

>

> Last time I went back to France, I was a different person compared to the

woman who left for the US 2 years earlier.

> There was no huge crisis between the two of us, I managed to escape any

delicate situation and stay out of her way. And there was my BF around a part of

the trip, a strong man, who I think might intimidate her on some level.

> My Mom called me in tears after I said goodbye to leave France, she could

barely articulate on the phone, it was just scary. She said she felt like we

didn't really " connect " while I was there etc etc.

>

> I couldn't help but feeling that she felt a lack of connection because she

didn't abuse me to the extent that she was used to. There was no tears. She

didn't make me cry and then " fixed " it.

>

> I hope that makes sense,

> Coralie

>

[Guest guest]

Good for you for keeping some protective physical and emotional distance between

yourself and your bpd-mom; if your bpd-mom is like mine, she will continue to

abuse you as long as you allow her to.

People with personality disorder don't just recover all on their own, like

getting over a cold. It doesn't work that way. Having personality disorder is

more like being born color-blind, having to accept the fact that you can't see

what other people see (like the difference between red and blue) and learning to

function adequately in a world that operates in color even though your brain

can't perceive color at all.

Sometimes when we set very firm, very clear boundaries it motivates the person

with bpd to change their behaviors or even seek therapy, but with other

bpd-people it just enrages them and their negative behaviors escalate.

Anyway, good for you for recognizing the dysfunctional dynamic and protecting

yourself from further abuse. Big thumb's up of approval from me!

-Annie

>

> " > I wasn't confined in a box or a closet or a basement, but I was " frozen

out " of my mother's good graces for periods of time (which felt like

abandonment), threatened with being sent away to an orphanage, forced to play

outside when it was uncomfortably hot or cold or wet so she could be alone, and

then I'd be insanely grateful when she'd seem to forgive me and act kindly

toward me again. Then there were the unpredictable episodes of terrifying rage

and physical punishment alternating with kind behaviors.

> > "

>

> Dear Annie,

> I can very much relate to what you've posted. I am glad you posted about this,

I didn't know about this concept.

> I agree that there is something sickening about alternating between physical

abuse and then seemingly loving behaviour.

> I feel like my BP Mom often uses crisis to feel close and intimate with her

kids.

> She throws on a big tantrums, there's some screaming, if there can be some

crying also on the part of her adult children, it's grea. And then there's the

call for peace " allright we're all good now, come to Mama " .

> The last part is sickening, there is no trust, no will to hug on my part. Just

some big shame and some sense of relief I guess.

>

> Last time I went back to France, I was a different person compared to the

woman who left for the US 2 years earlier.

> There was no huge crisis between the two of us, I managed to escape any

delicate situation and stay out of her way. And there was my BF around a part of

the trip, a strong man, who I think might intimidate her on some level.

> My Mom called me in tears after I said goodbye to leave France, she could

barely articulate on the phone, it was just scary. She said she felt like we

didn't really " connect " while I was there etc etc.

>

> I couldn't help but feeling that she felt a lack of connection because she

didn't abuse me to the extent that she was used to. There was no tears. She

didn't make me cry and then " fixed " it.

>

> I hope that makes sense,

> Coralie

>

[Guest guest]

Great post. Its creepy how NP/BPD utilizes war camp tactics so intuitively.

Betrayal Bonds by J. Carnes really helped me understand the nature of

trauma bonds. It was extremely validating.

Thanks for putting this out there--it sure helps make a lot of sense as to why

we were so hooked in!!

Blessings,

Karla

>

> I'm beginning to think that how I was treated by my nada may have resulted in

" trauma bonding " for me; I think she broke my will, and I just kind of became

completely enmeshed with nada (and dad) up until I was about 33 or so.

>

> Here's an excerpt from an interesting article about what " trauma bonding " is

and how it occurs, and it really resonates with me. Its when the child's (or

adult victim's) abuser also becomes her rescuer, but then becomes her abuser

again, over and over:

>

> " Many victims of severe and unrelenting trauma, whether domestic violence,

incest, or ritual abuse, will find that they feel anxious when alone, and fear

abandonment and isolation. The over-dependent characteristics are NOT a

personality fault, but a result of the chronic abuse. This is often rooted in

the fact that as a child, the trauma survivor was not only a CAPTIVE to their

abuse, but they depended upon their perpetrator for food, shelter, or other

> necessities. In addition, with ritual abuse, a small child will often be

abandoned for periods of time, to increase their dependency upon the very people

who are abusing them. Any two or three year old will be almost insanely grateful

to be rescued from a small box that they have been confined within for hours, or

from the dark confines of a musty basement where they have been left for a day

or two. Even the most abusive perpetrator will then become the child's rescuer,

> which is the foundation of trauma bonding. In trauma bonding, the person's

abuser will be perceived as the one who delivers and rescues from the abuse, as

well as the tormentor. This creates a psychological ambivalence that creates

dissociation in a young child. The very helplessness and terror that are

instilled by the abuse, cause the child (or later, the adult) to reach out to

the only available hand for relief: the perpetrator. And the perpetrator WILL

> rescue and stop the abuse, or take the child out of the confines of their

pain, but for a price: their unrelenting loyalty and obedience. This is the

traumatic underpinning of all cult programming that I have seen: a combination

of abuse and kindness; terror and rescue; degradation and praise. "

>

> I wasn't confined in a box or a closet or a basement, but I was " frozen out "

of my mother's good graces for periods of time (which felt like abandonment),

threatened with being sent away to an orphanage, forced to play outside when it

was uncomfortably hot or cold or wet so she could be alone, and then I'd be

insanely grateful when she'd seem to forgive me and act kindly toward me again.

Then there were the unpredictable episodes of terrifying rage and physical

punishment alternating with kind behaviors.

>

> It seems to me that emotional dysregulation, black-and-white thinking,

transient psychotic breaks with reality (delusional thinking, paranoia, etc.)

and unpredictable rages are GUARANTEED to produce " trauma bonding " in the young

child of a bpd parent.

>

> How could trauma bonding be avoided under those conditions?

>

> Here's the rest of the article

> http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/ritual_abuse/50317

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

Great post. Its creepy how NP/BPD utilizes war camp tactics so intuitively.

Betrayal Bonds by J. Carnes really helped me understand the nature of

trauma bonds. It was extremely validating.

Thanks for putting this out there--it sure helps make a lot of sense as to why

we were so hooked in!!

Blessings,

Karla

>

> I'm beginning to think that how I was treated by my nada may have resulted in

" trauma bonding " for me; I think she broke my will, and I just kind of became

completely enmeshed with nada (and dad) up until I was about 33 or so.

>

> Here's an excerpt from an interesting article about what " trauma bonding " is

and how it occurs, and it really resonates with me. Its when the child's (or

adult victim's) abuser also becomes her rescuer, but then becomes her abuser

again, over and over:

>

> " Many victims of severe and unrelenting trauma, whether domestic violence,

incest, or ritual abuse, will find that they feel anxious when alone, and fear

abandonment and isolation. The over-dependent characteristics are NOT a

personality fault, but a result of the chronic abuse. This is often rooted in

the fact that as a child, the trauma survivor was not only a CAPTIVE to their

abuse, but they depended upon their perpetrator for food, shelter, or other

> necessities. In addition, with ritual abuse, a small child will often be

abandoned for periods of time, to increase their dependency upon the very people

who are abusing them. Any two or three year old will be almost insanely grateful

to be rescued from a small box that they have been confined within for hours, or

from the dark confines of a musty basement where they have been left for a day

or two. Even the most abusive perpetrator will then become the child's rescuer,

> which is the foundation of trauma bonding. In trauma bonding, the person's

abuser will be perceived as the one who delivers and rescues from the abuse, as

well as the tormentor. This creates a psychological ambivalence that creates

dissociation in a young child. The very helplessness and terror that are

instilled by the abuse, cause the child (or later, the adult) to reach out to

the only available hand for relief: the perpetrator. And the perpetrator WILL

> rescue and stop the abuse, or take the child out of the confines of their

pain, but for a price: their unrelenting loyalty and obedience. This is the

traumatic underpinning of all cult programming that I have seen: a combination

of abuse and kindness; terror and rescue; degradation and praise. "

>

> I wasn't confined in a box or a closet or a basement, but I was " frozen out "

of my mother's good graces for periods of time (which felt like abandonment),

threatened with being sent away to an orphanage, forced to play outside when it

was uncomfortably hot or cold or wet so she could be alone, and then I'd be

insanely grateful when she'd seem to forgive me and act kindly toward me again.

Then there were the unpredictable episodes of terrifying rage and physical

punishment alternating with kind behaviors.

>

> It seems to me that emotional dysregulation, black-and-white thinking,

transient psychotic breaks with reality (delusional thinking, paranoia, etc.)

and unpredictable rages are GUARANTEED to produce " trauma bonding " in the young

child of a bpd parent.

>

> How could trauma bonding be avoided under those conditions?

>

> Here's the rest of the article

> http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/ritual_abuse/50317

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

Aww thanks Annie, it really means something to me.

I guess no major crisis *that I was involved in* was a good achievement. It

wouldn't have happend if I had not kept my distance.

There is a part of me that feels extremely sad, and I know it might sound weird,

because I realize that the " intimacy " we had was often based on messed-up stuff,

and some form of abuse.

And a part of me still longs for closeness with her. But I have to give up on it

for the most part, or I will pay the price.

I think the " giving up " is a process, a process of grieving, but it takes time.

Thank you anyway for your vote of support!

Coralie

[Guest guest]

Aww thanks Annie, it really means something to me.

I guess no major crisis *that I was involved in* was a good achievement. It

wouldn't have happend if I had not kept my distance.

There is a part of me that feels extremely sad, and I know it might sound weird,

because I realize that the " intimacy " we had was often based on messed-up stuff,

and some form of abuse.

And a part of me still longs for closeness with her. But I have to give up on it

for the most part, or I will pay the price.

I think the " giving up " is a process, a process of grieving, but it takes time.

Thank you anyway for your vote of support!

Coralie

[Guest guest]

Aww thanks Annie, it really means something to me.

I guess no major crisis *that I was involved in* was a good achievement. It

wouldn't have happend if I had not kept my distance.

There is a part of me that feels extremely sad, and I know it might sound weird,

because I realize that the " intimacy " we had was often based on messed-up stuff,

and some form of abuse.

And a part of me still longs for closeness with her. But I have to give up on it

for the most part, or I will pay the price.

I think the " giving up " is a process, a process of grieving, but it takes time.

Thank you anyway for your vote of support!

Coralie