Re: sexual intrusiveness

November 9, 2010

when i was 21, i thought i was pregnant...and i thought long and hard about what

to do...i knew the only way to deal with it would be to kill myself because if i

had to face them and tell them that their unmarried daughter might be pregnant,

death would have been a better choice. Luckily I wasn't, because there would

have been 2 lives lost.

nothing should be so taboo to discuss with your own parents. it's never the end

of the world.

sexual intrusiveness

On an earlier thread, many of you were saying things about BPD moms being overly

intrusive about your sex lives. These comments were so familiar that they made

my hair stand on end. When such things were happening to me, all those years

ago, I had no idea that (a) other mothers did not do these things to their

daughters or ( that it was weird. Both of my parents always said that our

family was especially close -- far closer than others -- so that we were evolved

enough to talk " honestly " about things that other families were afraid to talk

about. Our " bonds " were so strong that we could " talk like other families don't

talk. " I remember my father saying those exact words.

BUT (how did I not see this?) the only personal intimate stuff that was up for

discussion was MY personal intimate stuff. They never talked about their sex

life (thank God, actually) but my mother managed to terrify me about boys and

sex such that I was kind of crippled in that regard. She told me at an early

age: " Whenever you're in a situation that seems questionable, imagine how your

father and I would look if we could see you. " Thus I always felt that they were

watching me, everywhere. She also told me: " Don't even try to lie. A mother can

ALWAYS tell when her child is lying. " (The fact that she lied constantly didn't

figure into this. Plus I didn't know she was lying.)

My friends' mothers did not say or do such things to them, but I believed that

this was because my friends' mothers did not love my friends as much as my

mother loved me.

When I was thirteen or so, she would seize my hands and sniff them to see if

they had been " down there. "

She constantly grilled me on whether I was " having intercourse " with my

high-school boyfriends (I wasn't). I went away to work for one summer during

college and when I came back, she asked me urgently, " You're still a virgin,

aren't you? " (This wasn't the 1950s, by the way. It was the 1980s.) I said no, I

wasn't a virgin anymore, because no way in a million years did it occur to me to

lie or tell her it was none of her business. Her response was to burst into

tears, shout " Why? WHY??? Are you pregnant????? " (as if that was the worst thing

in the world) and then to say, " If your father finds out, it will kill him. "

She told me that he would sometimes smile at her and say proudly, " Our daughter

is a virgin. "

WTH?????????

A few years later, I went traveling with my college boyfriend. Upon my return,

my father asked me whether I had " slept in the same beds " with BF while

traveling. I said yes. Dad said, " Does that mean you're ... ? " I said yes,

feeling horribly ashamed and suddenly worthless and disgusting. For the next

year or so, Dad would make inappropriate comments around me and BF. My response

was always horrified silence.

That is my conditioned response to nearly everything.

November 9, 2010

Yes, inappropriate intrusiveness and obsessiveness RE sexual matters in relation

to her children seems to be a rather common behavior with bpd moms, at least in

this Group.

I buy the theory that wrote of, that the parts of the brain that deal

with emotional regulation also deal with sexual thoughts and behaviors, and thus

are affected by the dysregulation/lack of control of borderline pd also.

My nada would *freak out* if I showed any signs of sexual curiosity, or sensual

behaviors, or sexual exploration as a child. She was convinced that I was doing

sexual things to myself or with other children all the time and this horrified

and disgusted her. In her mind I was not supposed to have a sexual component at

all, ever, apparently; I was supposed to be an inanimate object.

I expressed my anxiety and fear of my mother by being very nervous and jittery,

I developed a strong startle reflex, I bit my nails until they bled, I had

frequent nightmares, and had trouble swallowing food because I was so stressed

at mealtimes. All of these responses irritated the crap out of my mother and

she'd punish me for showing these behaviors. I had to learn to squelch my own

involuntary startle reflex out of sheer self-preservation.

But my worst crime was that I discovered that masturbating worked really, really

well to distract me from anxiety. I tried to hide this from nada, but she was

so intrusive that she'd catch me, and I'd get whalloped and screamed at. Which

made me more anxious and frightened; the classic vicious cycle.

When I was only about 4 or 5 nada took me to a child psychologist (I remember

the room and not understanding why we were there, but not whether it was once or

several times.) The psychologist told nada that I behaved normally when I was

alone or with other people, but her observations indicated that I only

" self-soothed " out of extreme anxiety when I was around nada! This apparently

upset, embarrassed and humiliated nada, freaked her out and sent her over the

edge, so when we got home she proceeded to brutalize me and severely traumatize

me about my own body, and about all things sexual, guaranteeing that I would

become completely asexual as a teen/adult. I believe that incident was

life-trajectory-altering for me, and caused me to become severely trauma-bonded

to her and dad up until my mid-thirties.

That's why I think I would have been better off raised in an orphanage or with

relatives or a nanny or something. My nada was too effing messed up to be

raising a child.

Here's an interesting article on trauma bonding; it happens when a child is

abused, then " rescued " by her abuser, then abused again, over and over. That's

what happened with my bpd mom. She'd hurt me and frighten me, then she'd be

nice to me, then she'd hurt me again, over and over and over.

http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/ritual_abuse/50317

-Annie

>

> when i was 21, i thought i was pregnant...and i thought long and hard about

what to do...i knew the only way to deal with it would be to kill myself because

if i had to face them and tell them that their unmarried daughter might be

pregnant, death would have been a better choice. Luckily I wasn't, because there

would have been 2 lives lost.

>

> nothing should be so taboo to discuss with your own parents. it's never the

end of the world.

>

November 10, 2010

Annie,I'm so sorry your nada did that to you.It's horrifying that you were

tortured like that all because a psychologist told your nada the truth.I suppose

she took you there figuring the psychologist would confirm that *you* were the

sicko?

My god,the incredibly deranged thoughts that must have been careening in

your profoundly disordered nada's mind to have her subject you to such

horror.I'm so sorry.

I wish that psychologist could have realized what was going to happen to

you when she said that you only " self soothed " around nada.

I used masturbation to self soothe as well,having discovered in my case

that it was a balm for the physical wounds I had from being raped.Nada was

intrusive like yours and often caught me.She didn't beat me but she certainly

shamed and humiliated me about it and implied that I was some sort of

" slut " ,which reinforced my perceptions that I was bringing the sexual abuse onto

myself.

These creatures truly are too effing messed up to be raising kids.

>

> Yes, inappropriate intrusiveness and obsessiveness RE sexual matters in

relation to her children seems to be a rather common behavior with bpd moms, at

least in this Group.

>

> I buy the theory that wrote of, that the parts of the brain that

deal with emotional regulation also deal with sexual thoughts and behaviors, and

thus are affected by the dysregulation/lack of control of borderline pd also.

>

> My nada would *freak out* if I showed any signs of sexual curiosity, or

sensual behaviors, or sexual exploration as a child. She was convinced that I

was doing sexual things to myself or with other children all the time and this

horrified and disgusted her. In her mind I was not supposed to have a sexual

component at all, ever, apparently; I was supposed to be an inanimate object.

>

> I expressed my anxiety and fear of my mother by being very nervous and

jittery, I developed a strong startle reflex, I bit my nails until they bled, I

had frequent nightmares, and had trouble swallowing food because I was so

stressed at mealtimes. All of these responses irritated the crap out of my

mother and she'd punish me for showing these behaviors. I had to learn to

squelch my own involuntary startle reflex out of sheer self-preservation.

>

> But my worst crime was that I discovered that masturbating worked really,

really well to distract me from anxiety. I tried to hide this from nada, but

she was so intrusive that she'd catch me, and I'd get whalloped and screamed at.

Which made me more anxious and frightened; the classic vicious cycle.

>

> When I was only about 4 or 5 nada took me to a child psychologist (I remember