Guest guest Posted November 8, 2010 Report Share Posted November 8, 2010 Yes, the " You're re-killing everyone who died in the Holocaust by dating a gentile " thing. Yes, the " Girls get pregnant at their high-school proms " thing. So familiar. (One day while approaching puberty, I was told: " If a boy ever tries to kiss you, push his face away. " ) " Your so-called friends don't really love you. They don't even like you, and you're too stupid to realize this! " Other refrains: " Children die when they ride bikes. Teenagers die when they drive. Girls get fat and ugly when they eat sweets (but here, I'm going to give you a lot of sweets). Boyfriends whose fathers are cheating womanizers are all cheating womanizers too. Boyfriends who are poor while in college will always be poor. Fiancés whose parents are divorced will divorce you. And did I mention ... eating sweets makes you ugly? " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 8, 2010 Report Share Posted November 8, 2010 My nada has weird sexual attitudes, too. Telling age inappropriate stories, telling me about my dad being a failure in bed, pointing out when someone out in public had a look or smell about them that nada decided was from 'sex.' One time that stands out was when we were in the grocery store check out line. She was sure the 'tramp' in front of us was promiscuous, because she smelled like fish. Years later I put together the smell was actually from the fresh coffee grinder just a few steps from the express line, lol--too funny. She would never watch our kids together or overnight--because then we might have sex! She was all about preventing anyone from having sex. Weirdly, many non sexual pop culture songs, sayings & art all were about sex, too, according to nada. And men, of course all they want is sex! She was apparently quite promiscuous herself in between marriages, and I've only heard the stories she was willing to tell. Somehow in her mind this all makes sense. > > my mom would tell me i looked like i had sex, that my hair looked messy like i had been rolling around in a bed...all when i really wasn't. it was very degrading and embarrassing. when i told her that my boyfriend was very patient and was willing to wait for me, she accused him of having something wrong with him...she said that men cannot wait to have sex. my boyfriend was being so sweet and respectful...she said he had ulterior motives. > made me mistrust my feelings. > amy > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 8, 2010 Report Share Posted November 8, 2010 Haha, the " Girls get pregnant at their high-school proms " quote makes me think of my vice principal I had in Junior High. They had these impossible clothing restrictions, like your shirt couldn't be too short (couldn't show skin when you raised your arms), OR too long (couldn't cover your pockets when your arms were down). This is actually impossible, I dare anyone to find a shirt that does this... Anyway the " too long " rule was because they didn't want us hiding knives in our pockets. Once when my friend was being ordered to wear her coat all day due to not following the " too short " rule, we asked him why that rule existed. And he said " Showing belly buttons is how girls get pregnant. " . lol, we laughed over that for years. My mom refused to let me drive myself to my prom, because she also thought " Girls get pregnant at their high-school proms " . Funny thing is she put me on birth control way before that (I was on BC for like 3 years before I even had sex) so I'm pretty sure she was just worried about SEX not pregnancy. Casey > > Yes, the " You're re-killing everyone who died in the Holocaust by dating a gentile " thing. > > Yes, the " Girls get pregnant at their high-school proms " thing. So familiar. (One day while approaching puberty, I was told: " If a boy ever tries to kiss you, push his face away. " ) > > " Your so-called friends don't really love you. They don't even like you, and you're too stupid to realize this! " > > Other refrains: " Children die when they ride bikes. Teenagers die when they drive. Girls get fat and ugly when they eat sweets (but here, I'm going to give you a lot of sweets). Boyfriends whose fathers are cheating womanizers are all cheating womanizers too. Boyfriends who are poor while in college will always be poor. Fiancés whose parents are divorced will divorce you. And did I mention ... eating sweets makes you ugly? " > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 8, 2010 Report Share Posted November 8, 2010 " In my opinion those who are evidencing cognitive distortion and emotional dysregulation and breaks with reality are just way too dysfunctional to be raising kids. " I absolutely agree with this!! Unfortunately, the law really doesn't. Here in WA they don't think it's child abuse unless the parent is hitting you with an implement or a closed fist. My nada never layed a hand on me. But she tortured me nonetheless. Especially when I was a teenager, when I was suffering severe depression myself, and she was going from high-functioning to low-functioning. She didn't let me sleep with her middle-of-the-night ragings. I also think I would have been better off in an orphanage. I wish I had the courage to run away when I was younger. I wish I had the courage to not lie to the social services people who tried to help me at various times in my life. I wanted to leave my mother, but I didn't want to leave my dad and my brother. I was very scared that if I left, my nada would inflict her abuse on my brother, and I didn't want that. I didn't even really want to leave her until I was around 10 or 11. Before that, I just wanted her to love me. I wanted her to get better. I still want that I suppose, but I've given up hope that it will ever happen long ago. I didn't make it out until I was 17. I could have taken care of myself at 15, I know now. I lied about my age at 17 to get an apartment, and I could have done the same at 15. Hell, I was making webpages 15, the same job I have now at 27! But I was scared. Somehow my depressed mind thought it would be easier to just die than to make it on my own as a teenager. I also never really thought of what she was doing as " abuse " until I was in therapy and was told that. The cops who had been to my house told me it wasn't, my dad told me it wasn't, etc. I still have a hard time thinking of it as abuse. I just can't think it was as bad as some of your stories, and of my nada's own stories about HER childhood, about being beaten and hiding in closets from your own parents. (despite the fact that I myself hid from my mother.) But the fact that my nada would make sure I would lie to the counselors or others who asked about our family life makes me see that SHE KNEW it was abuse, even though I didn't. Why else would I need to lie? Casey > > Cassey, I'm so sorry you had to endure that kind of mental torture inflicted by your mother RE sexual issues. The abuse has to be pretty severe for a child or teen to attempt to kill themselves. > > The behaviors you describe sound very much like paranoia, projection, and delusional thinking on your mother's part. The general criteria for diagnosing personality disorder include " distortions of cognition i.e., ways of perceiving and interpreting things, people, and events, forming attitudes and images of self and others " (which means they have trouble interpreting reality properly), and a specific criteria for diagnosing bpd is that they tend to have " Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation (thoughts), delusions or severe dissociative symptoms. " > > Its gut-punchingly hurtful to be accused by your own mother of saying and doing things that you did not say or do, and then to have her not believe you and call you a liar when you defend yourself, well, is just so damaging. > > In my opinion those who are evidencing cognitive distortion and emotional dysregulation and breaks with reality are just way too dysfunctional to be raising kids. > > I've come to the conclusion that I probably probably would have turned out much happier and much more mentally healthy if I'd been raised in an orphanage; then I probably wouldn't have taken any emotional and physical abuse I received so much to heart. When the demeaning, hateful, contemptuous treatment is coming from your own mother it has a different impact than when coming from anyone else. > > -Annie > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 8, 2010 Report Share Posted November 8, 2010 Being sexually abused is very common of ppl with BPD. My nada insists it's never happened to her (she suffered all the other kinds of abuse though). But I think her nada had some weird sexual ideas that she passed on... Casey > > > Hey Casey, > > I am sorry you had to go through this. It sounds horrible. > My BP Mom was convinced she knew the day I lost my virginity. I remember very well, I came home in the late afternoon from my high school BF's place, and she looked at me strange, it freaked me out. > She said " something's different with you " , and I said " no, it's just me " and she was like " no no, something is different " in a suspicious way. > Anything to scare me off sexuality really. > The terrible day where I finally " confessed " that I had lost my virginity, which I had to confess in front of my Dad, when my Mom was losing it, she asked me if it was " that " day. > I hated her so much for the way she treated me. > I said " yes " and then I remember that arrogant satisfied look on her face. > I still was a virgin at that point is what's funny. > The anger I have felt for her, and still feel toward her, is unbeliable. > I resent the humiliation so much. > > A quick story... > I am a runner. I joined an amazing running club a year ago. I am so happy there, it has been such a positive place for me there. People are just wonderful. > So anyway, the running club Coach is a former running champion, in his early 50's I'd say. He is married and he and his wife are just adorable. > They have been such a great support for me, and my running. > I won some medals last years and I showed some pictures of these " glorious times " to both my parents. lol > My Mom's reaction: " Oh he is a black man. Be careful with black men, they love the blondes. I see why he is suck a good coach. etc etc " > Again, my Coach is someone I respect very much. > It was way out of line, with a racist tone, and just made me sad. > > I shared this anecdoct with my therapist, and she reminded me of something that I thought you might find interesting. > She said that people who have been abused sexually tend to " oversexualize " reality. > They see sexual contents or sexual motives where there is absolutely none. > And they project onto their kids! > > Coralie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 8, 2010 Report Share Posted November 8, 2010 My nada also had very weird ideas about boys and dating. I wasn't allowed to at all. When I was 13 I had a major crush on Dr. Kildare and would write in my diary how much I liked him. My nada not only READ my diary obviously even though it had a key, but she wrote in it " You WILL like Ben Casey and not Dr. Kildare " . How bizarre!!! To this day I have NO idea why she did that. It was innocent teenage fantasies and what difference did it make which actor I preferred?! When I was 15 I used to go roller skating all the time and they'd have a teenage sock hop after the skating every Friday night to records. I used to skate with a boy who was a year older than me named . He was an innocent kid just as I was. He asked me to dance to a slow dance one Friday night and he wasn't trying anything sexual on me nor was he even holding me close to him, but unbeknown to me nada was outside watching so she ran in there, ran across the skating rink floor with her high heels on with the owner yelling " lady! NO shoes are allowed on the rink! " but she ignored him and grabbed by his shirt collar pulling him away from me yelling at the top of her lungs " I know what you're trying to do you little sex fiend! Get your hands off MY daughter! " The other boys taunted with 'better watch out, ie, her old lady is going to kill you " and some girls were laughing at and I. I was never so embarrassed in all my life, but of course she then told me to get my shoes on and 'we're going home'. When she started running around with her boss and cheating on my father when I was 15, she would use me as a decoy and tell my father every Saturday morning that she was 'taking the kid shopping' but she threatened to kill me if I ever told my father about her affair and would leave me in her parked and locked car all day while she went off with him. When they got back, I could see her making out with him in his car which pulled up next to hers goodbye and I would see them out of the corner of my eye. She would read me the X-rated letters he wrote her when my father wasn't home and I would put my hand over my ears and beg her not to tell me. I would tell her it was wrong to cheat on my father. She would laugh and say I was just jealous because I didn't have a boyfriend, " you fat, ugly slob " . I wasn't fat nor was I ugly. I felt it but that was not the case. She used to play " Stranger in the Night " on my stereo and once I got so angry I busted it in two in front of her. Of course I got beaten for that one, but then again I got beaten for nothing anyway so it didn't make any difference. My father finally caught her with her lover when I was almost 16 and my father threw her out. Of course the drama with nada ended for awhile then, but the damage to me was already done and as fate would have it, nada was pushed back into my life and is still in it but now she's an old, decrepit, on her last legs witch and has very little real control over me but things she has. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 8, 2010 Report Share Posted November 8, 2010 How sick and cruel!! And what a bizarre story about writing in your diary! And seeing her cheat on your dad? Talk about too much information!!! Sorry you had to suffer through that. Casey > > My nada also had very weird ideas about boys and dating. I wasn't allowed to at all. > > When I was 13 I had a major crush on Dr. Kildare and would write in my diary how much I liked him. My nada not only READ my diary obviously even though it had a key, but she wrote in it " You WILL like Ben Casey and not Dr. Kildare " . How bizarre!!! To this day I have NO idea why she did that. It was innocent teenage fantasies and what difference did it make which actor I preferred?! > > When I was 15 I used to go roller skating all the time and they'd have a teenage sock hop after the skating every Friday night to records. I used to skate with a boy who was a year older than me named . He was an innocent kid just as I was. He asked me to dance to a slow dance one Friday night and he wasn't trying anything sexual on me nor was he even holding me close to him, but unbeknown to me nada was outside watching so she ran in there, ran across the skating rink floor with her high heels on with the owner yelling " lady! NO shoes are allowed on the rink! " but she ignored him and grabbed by his shirt collar pulling him away from me yelling at the top of her lungs " I know what you're trying to do you little sex fiend! Get your hands off MY daughter! " The other boys taunted with 'better watch out, ie, her old lady is going to kill you " and some girls were laughing at and I. I was never so embarrassed in all my life, but of course she then told me to get my shoes on and 'we're going home'. > > When she started running around with her boss and cheating on my father when I was 15, she would use me as a decoy and tell my father every Saturday morning that she was 'taking the kid shopping' but she threatened to kill me if I ever told my father about her affair and would leave me in her parked and locked car all day while she went off with him. When they got back, I could see her making out with him in his car which pulled up next to hers goodbye and I would see them out of the corner of my eye. She would read me the X-rated letters he wrote her when my father wasn't home and I would put my hand over my ears and beg her not to tell me. I would tell her it was wrong to cheat on my father. She would laugh and say I was just jealous because I didn't have a boyfriend, " you fat, ugly slob " . I wasn't fat nor was I ugly. I felt it but that was not the case. She used to play " Stranger in the Night " on my stereo and once I got so angry I busted it in two in front of her. Of course I got beaten for that one, but then again I got beaten for nothing anyway so it didn't make any difference. > > My father finally caught her with her lover when I was almost 16 and my father threw her out. Of course the drama with nada ended for awhile then, but the damage to me was already done and as fate would have it, nada was pushed back into my life and is still in it but now she's an old, decrepit, on her last legs witch and has very little real control over me but things she has. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 8, 2010 Report Share Posted November 8, 2010 My nada was never sexually abused, but had severe paranoia and obsession with incest, rape and sexual abuse. Its seems common with BP'ers regardless of whether they were abused or not. The worst things that happened to her was the neighbours kid asking her to play spin the bottle when they were both 10 (she refused, but used to tell us that as an example of how he would have raped her if he had the chance. He was 10!!) and another was a kid climbing under the bleachers at shcool to try to look up girls skirts. If nada had been abused, she would have said so. She told us about every sexual encounter she ever had. She has accused her parents of wierd stuff like putting steel plates in her head etc. But from the sounds of it, they never hit their kids (she never accused them of any form of realistic abuse), they were very supportive, well off community leaders. All her siblings are very close to their parents. Just one of those quirks of genetics. > > Being sexually abused is very common of ppl with BPD. My nada insists it's never happened to her (she suffered all the other kinds of abuse though). But I think her nada had some weird sexual ideas that she passed on... > > Casey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 9, 2010 Report Share Posted November 9, 2010 Yes,exactly,Crazy...bizarre sexual ideation is inherent to BPD and isn't necessarily due to sexual abuse.We've had many threads here on this theme! The same region of the brain that governs primitive emotions such as rage and hunger also governs sexuality--and appears to be damaged in BPDs,hence their dysregulation with both rage for example and sexuality. I don't believe that my nada was ever sexually abused but she behaved inappropriately in sexual ways,with some traits of Histrionic PD and a sick fascination/fear of rape which she projected onto me in various ways.Or had me live out for her. > > My nada was never sexually abused, but had severe paranoia and obsession with incest, rape and sexual abuse. Its seems common with BP'ers regardless of whether they were abused or not. > > The worst things that happened to her was the neighbours kid asking her to play spin the bottle when they were both 10 (she refused, but used to tell us that as an example of how he would have raped her if he had the chance. He was 10!!) and another was a kid climbing under the bleachers at shcool to try to look up girls skirts. If nada had been abused, she would have said so. She told us about every sexual encounter she ever had. > > She has accused her parents of wierd stuff like putting steel plates in her head etc. But from the sounds of it, they never hit their kids (she never accused them of any form of realistic abuse), they were very supportive, well off community leaders. All her siblings are very close to their parents. > > Just one of those quirks of genetics. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 9, 2010 Report Share Posted November 9, 2010 I think my mother was mostly emotionally abused. She went back and forth for years, sometimes claiming she was molested, but the people always changed. First it was photographer my grandmother left her with, then it was one of her uncles, and even her own father. The later she'd say no, that wasn't it at all. My grandmother was a queen/witch borderline and her words would cut my mother to the core. She also made her son (my mom's only siblings who was 10 years younger than her), the GOLDEN child. When my grandmother was old, it was my mother taking care of her while my grandmother spoke of how wonderful her son (who came to see her once a year for 15 minutes) was. To me, none of this is an excuse. I was abused and I don't abuse my kids. I also chose to get help for my issues and she didn't...when she very well could have (we had the money). Re: BPD mom My nada was never sexually abused, but had severe paranoia and obsession with incest, rape and sexual abuse. Its seems common with BP'ers regardless of whether they were abused or not. The worst things that happened to her was the neighbours kid asking her to play spin the bottle when they were both 10 (she refused, but used to tell us that as an example of how he would have raped her if he had the chance. He was 10!!) and another was a kid climbing under the bleachers at shcool to try to look up girls skirts. If nada had been abused, she would have said so. She told us about every sexual encounter she ever had. She has accused her parents of wierd stuff like putting steel plates in her head etc. But from the sounds of it, they never hit their kids (she never accused them of any form of realistic abuse), they were very supportive, well off community leaders. All her siblings are very close to their parents. Just one of those quirks of genetics. > > Being sexually abused is very common of ppl with BPD. My nada insists it's never happened to her (she suffered all the other kinds of abuse though). But I think her nada had some weird sexual ideas that she passed on... > > Casey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 9, 2010 Report Share Posted November 9, 2010 Hummingbird, I go back and forth with this issue of whether they could help it or not. I also have never invaded my kids' privacy, emotions, civil rights, etc...but it's not in my nature to do it, even though I grew up with it with mom. how do we ever know if it's really mental illness that prevents our moms from really seeing the truth or that they chose not to see it and get the right help? did my mom really choose to disown me and not speak to me for 7 years...or could she not help it? in a way, i really don't even care or want to know. amy Re: BPD mom My nada was never sexually abused, but had severe paranoia and obsession with incest, rape and sexual abuse. Its seems common with BP'ers regardless of whether they were abused or not. The worst things that happened to her was the neighbours kid asking her to play spin the bottle when they were both 10 (she refused, but used to tell us that as an example of how he would have raped her if he had the chance. He was 10!!) and another was a kid climbing under the bleachers at shcool to try to look up girls skirts. If nada had been abused, she would have said so. She told us about every sexual encounter she ever had. She has accused her parents of wierd stuff like putting steel plates in her head etc. But from the sounds of it, they never hit their kids (she never accused them of any form of realistic abuse), they were very supportive, well off community leaders. All her siblings are very close to their parents. Just one of those quirks of genetics. > > Being sexually abused is very common of ppl with BPD. My nada insists it's never happened to her (she suffered all the other kinds of abuse though). But I think her nada had some weird sexual ideas that she passed on... > > Casey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 9, 2010 Report Share Posted November 9, 2010 Some psychiatrists I've read about attribute BPD to having been incested or physically and/or emotionally abandoned as a child and I believe that. It has to come from somewhere unless it is (God forbid) genetic and I doubt that really otherwise we'd be BPD's and none of us are. A thing even though most nada's will openly talk about their sexual escapades to us, some are ashamed it was their own father or uncle (someone related) who incested them and they want us to 'love them' so they push it into the recesses of their warped minds like they choose to with everything else that they make up. Mine copes less and less and less with reality and lives in this fantasy world of her own making where she never did a thing wrong; is perfection personified; I am half the time VERY evil and sick and she has to 'train me to be like her'. Things that never happened are REAL - things that DID happen are NOT real and I am accused of things I either did innocently was a teenager (and she insists I did them NOW or 10 years ago) or they are outright lies or so bizarre they are beyond sick. The other day she called me and screamed at me that my Aunt Fran had called her to tell her that my 'phone call to her' made her 'so sick' I am the reason for her continual nose bleed!! (I never call the witch who is also BPD no doubt about it and just wants to cause trouble all the time - she betrayed me when I was 16 by sending a letter I wrote to her pouring my heart out about my mother's infidelity and behavior upon leaving which at that time destroyed me and I thought my aunt would at least honor my privacy and not betray me but she did I found out years later when nada brought it up last year to me for the first time). Of course I was upset, hurt and angry at nada! Who wouldn't be! I was ridiculed at school the next day on the school bus (we lived in a very small town and everyone knew every one else's business) and one of the kids taunted me by telling the girl I sat next to on the bus every day 'you don't want to sit next to HER! Didn't you hear?! My mother told the next door neighbor on the phone and I heard her that Marilyn's mother is a whore! She ran off with her boss! Marilyn can't be any better! " I was devastated. The girl did move to another seat upon hearing that. I had enough to deal with without that. My aunt next door (my father's sister) who was also a witch and most likely BPD as I see it but the only BPD in my father's family) had spread it at church to anyone who would hear after church that Sunday when all the gossip there went on every Sunday. I heard her telling a group of women and how 'awful it was' and how her sister-in-law was nothing but a whore and how sad she felt for my father! Not how sad she felt for ME as she went on to tell people there 'my niece is a whore too. She has her mother's blood in her and she can't help herself " . I didn't even DATE and I was a virgin! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 9, 2010 Report Share Posted November 9, 2010 Hi Marilyn, Even the National Institute of Mental Health says that the causes of bpd are not absolutely known at this time. Research is ongoing and only continuing research studies will put the puzzle together eventually (I hope within my lifetime, but, you never know.) The current most accepted theory by the scientists, psychiatrists and medical researchers is that it takes a combination of nurture (the child's environment) AND nature (a genetic predisposition) to result in borderline pd. Imagine something like two separate roulette wheels spinning around, one is labeled " nature " and the other " nurture. " The current theory is that the little ball has to drop into the " zero " slot in each wheel for bpd to occur in any given individual. It can't just be " nurture " : an abusive environment. Otherwise all of us here would have bpd simply because we were emotionally abused, or battered, or neglected as infants/small children and/or sexually molested as children/teens, and we here do not have bpd. My nada has bpd and probably npd and maybe even ocpd, and she grew up in about as average and normal a household as you could imagine. She was not battered, neglected or raped. Her parents, my grandparents, were nice, normal, sweet people. Her sisters (my nada is the middle girl of three) are normal, kind, mentally healthy people who married nice guys and went on to have mentally healthy kids who married well and had mentally healthy kids of their own. Its just my nada who is the anomaly; she had her foo terrorized; she was/is the family bully, and went on to find a husband she could bully, and she bullied me and my little Sister. My mother's sisters do not corroborate my mother's version of their childhood and are bewildered at her perception that they were battered, neglected and unloved. My own perception of my grandparents is that they were sweet and loving people. There is a section of WTO that is for parents raising a child with bpd or who have an adult child with bpd, and the posts will break your heart. These parents are bewildered, frantic, and deeply distressed about their child's suffering and their own possible part in causing it. These parents feel deep guilt and helplessness over their child's having such a self-destructive personality disorder and are at a loss to explain how one of their children has this condition when their other children do not. All this is by way of supporting 's post, that there is no simple answer to the question " what causes bpd? " and that neither mistreatment only nor genetics only is the answer. -Annie > > Some psychiatrists I've read about attribute BPD to having been incested or physically and/or emotionally abandoned as a child and I believe that. It has to come from somewhere unless it is (God forbid) genetic and I doubt that really otherwise we'd be BPD's and none of us are. > > A thing even though most nada's will openly talk about their sexual escapades to us, some are ashamed it was their own father or uncle (someone related) who incested them and they want us to 'love them' so they push it into the recesses of their warped minds like they choose to with everything else that they make up. Mine copes less and less and less with reality and lives in this fantasy world of her own making where she never did a thing wrong; is perfection personified; I am half the time VERY evil and sick and she has to 'train me to be like her'. Things that never happened are REAL - things that DID happen are NOT real and I am accused of things I either did innocently was a teenager (and she insists I did them NOW or 10 years ago) or they are outright lies or so bizarre they are beyond sick. The other day she called me and screamed at me that my Aunt Fran had called her to tell her that my 'phone call to her' made her 'so sick' I am the reason for her continual nose bleed!! (I never call the witch who is also BPD no doubt about it and just wants to cause trouble all the time - she betrayed me when I was 16 by sending a letter I wrote to her pouring my heart out about my mother's infidelity and behavior upon leaving which at that time destroyed me and I thought my aunt would at least honor my privacy and not betray me but she did I found out years later when nada brought it up last year to me for the first time). Of course I was upset, hurt and angry at nada! Who wouldn't be! I was ridiculed at school the next day on the school bus (we lived in a very small town and everyone knew every one else's business) and one of the kids taunted me by telling the girl I sat next to on the bus every day 'you don't want to sit next to HER! Didn't you hear?! My mother told the next door neighbor on the phone and I heard her that Marilyn's mother is a whore! She ran off with her boss! Marilyn can't be any better! " I was devastated. The girl did move to another seat upon hearing that. I had enough to deal with without that. My aunt next door (my father's sister) who was also a witch and most likely BPD as I see it but the only BPD in my father's family) had spread it at church to anyone who would hear after church that Sunday when all the gossip there went on every Sunday. I heard her telling a group of women and how 'awful it was' and how her sister-in-law was nothing but a whore and how sad she felt for my father! Not how sad she felt for ME as she went on to tell people there 'my niece is a whore too. She has her mother's blood in her and she can't help herself " . I didn't even DATE and I was a virgin! > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 9, 2010 Report Share Posted November 9, 2010 Hi Marilyn, Even the National Institute of Mental Health says that the causes of bpd are not absolutely known at this time. Research is ongoing and only continuing research studies will put the puzzle together eventually (I hope within my lifetime, but, you never know.) The current most accepted theory by the scientists, psychiatrists and medical researchers is that it takes a combination of nurture (the child's environment) AND nature (a genetic predisposition) to result in borderline pd. Imagine something like two separate roulette wheels spinning around, one is labeled " nature " and the other " nurture. " The current theory is that the little ball has to drop into the " zero " slot in each wheel for bpd to occur in any given individual. It can't just be " nurture " : an abusive environment. Otherwise all of us here would have bpd simply because we were emotionally abused, or battered, or neglected as infants/small children and/or sexually molested as children/teens, and we here do not have bpd. My nada has bpd and probably npd and maybe even ocpd, and she grew up in about as average and normal a household as you could imagine. She was not battered, neglected or raped. Her parents, my grandparents, were nice, normal, sweet people. Her sisters (my nada is the middle girl of three) are normal, kind, mentally healthy people who married nice guys and went on to have mentally healthy kids who married well and had mentally healthy kids of their own. Its just my nada who is the anomaly; she had her foo terrorized; she was/is the family bully, and went on to find a husband she could bully, and she bullied me and my little Sister. My mother's sisters do not corroborate my mother's version of their childhood and are bewildered at her perception that they were battered, neglected and unloved. My own perception of my grandparents is that they were sweet and loving people. There is a section of WTO that is for parents raising a child with bpd or who have an adult child with bpd, and the posts will break your heart. These parents are bewildered, frantic, and deeply distressed about their child's suffering and their own possible part in causing it. These parents feel deep guilt and helplessness over their child's having such a self-destructive personality disorder and are at a loss to explain how one of their children has this condition when their other children do not. All this is by way of supporting 's post, that there is no simple answer to the question " what causes bpd? " and that neither mistreatment only nor genetics only is the answer. -Annie > > Some psychiatrists I've read about attribute BPD to having been incested or physically and/or emotionally abandoned as a child and I believe that. It has to come from somewhere unless it is (God forbid) genetic and I doubt that really otherwise we'd be BPD's and none of us are. > > A thing even though most nada's will openly talk about their sexual escapades to us, some are ashamed it was their own father or uncle (someone related) who incested them and they want us to 'love them' so they push it into the recesses of their warped minds like they choose to with everything else that they make up. Mine copes less and less and less with reality and lives in this fantasy world of her own making where she never did a thing wrong; is perfection personified; I am half the time VERY evil and sick and she has to 'train me to be like her'. Things that never happened are REAL - things that DID happen are NOT real and I am accused of things I either did innocently was a teenager (and she insists I did them NOW or 10 years ago) or they are outright lies or so bizarre they are beyond sick. The other day she called me and screamed at me that my Aunt Fran had called her to tell her that my 'phone call to her' made her 'so sick' I am the reason for her continual nose bleed!! (I never call the witch who is also BPD no doubt about it and just wants to cause trouble all the time - she betrayed me when I was 16 by sending a letter I wrote to her pouring my heart out about my mother's infidelity and behavior upon leaving which at that time destroyed me and I thought my aunt would at least honor my privacy and not betray me but she did I found out years later when nada brought it up last year to me for the first time). Of course I was upset, hurt and angry at nada! Who wouldn't be! I was ridiculed at school the next day on the school bus (we lived in a very small town and everyone knew every one else's business) and one of the kids taunted me by telling the girl I sat next to on the bus every day 'you don't want to sit next to HER! Didn't you hear?! My mother told the next door neighbor on the phone and I heard her that Marilyn's mother is a whore! She ran off with her boss! Marilyn can't be any better! " I was devastated. The girl did move to another seat upon hearing that. I had enough to deal with without that. My aunt next door (my father's sister) who was also a witch and most likely BPD as I see it but the only BPD in my father's family) had spread it at church to anyone who would hear after church that Sunday when all the gossip there went on every Sunday. I heard her telling a group of women and how 'awful it was' and how her sister-in-law was nothing but a whore and how sad she felt for my father! Not how sad she felt for ME as she went on to tell people there 'my niece is a whore too. She has her mother's blood in her and she can't help herself " . I didn't even DATE and I was a virgin! > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 9, 2010 Report Share Posted November 9, 2010 Hi Marilyn, Even the National Institute of Mental Health says that the causes of bpd are not absolutely known at this time. Research is ongoing and only continuing research studies will put the puzzle together eventually (I hope within my lifetime, but, you never know.) The current most accepted theory by the scientists, psychiatrists and medical researchers is that it takes a combination of nurture (the child's environment) AND nature (a genetic predisposition) to result in borderline pd. Imagine something like two separate roulette wheels spinning around, one is labeled " nature " and the other " nurture. " The current theory is that the little ball has to drop into the " zero " slot in each wheel for bpd to occur in any given individual. It can't just be " nurture " : an abusive environment. Otherwise all of us here would have bpd simply because we were emotionally abused, or battered, or neglected as infants/small children and/or sexually molested as children/teens, and we here do not have bpd. My nada has bpd and probably npd and maybe even ocpd, and she grew up in about as average and normal a household as you could imagine. She was not battered, neglected or raped. Her parents, my grandparents, were nice, normal, sweet people. Her sisters (my nada is the middle girl of three) are normal, kind, mentally healthy people who married nice guys and went on to have mentally healthy kids who married well and had mentally healthy kids of their own. Its just my nada who is the anomaly; she had her foo terrorized; she was/is the family bully, and went on to find a husband she could bully, and she bullied me and my little Sister. My mother's sisters do not corroborate my mother's version of their childhood and are bewildered at her perception that they were battered, neglected and unloved. My own perception of my grandparents is that they were sweet and loving people. There is a section of WTO that is for parents raising a child with bpd or who have an adult child with bpd, and the posts will break your heart. These parents are bewildered, frantic, and deeply distressed about their child's suffering and their own possible part in causing it. These parents feel deep guilt and helplessness over their child's having such a self-destructive personality disorder and are at a loss to explain how one of their children has this condition when their other children do not. All this is by way of supporting 's post, that there is no simple answer to the question " what causes bpd? " and that neither mistreatment only nor genetics only is the answer. -Annie > > Some psychiatrists I've read about attribute BPD to having been incested or physically and/or emotionally abandoned as a child and I believe that. It has to come from somewhere unless it is (God forbid) genetic and I doubt that really otherwise we'd be BPD's and none of us are. > > A thing even though most nada's will openly talk about their sexual escapades to us, some are ashamed it was their own father or uncle (someone related) who incested them and they want us to 'love them' so they push it into the recesses of their warped minds like they choose to with everything else that they make up. Mine copes less and less and less with reality and lives in this fantasy world of her own making where she never did a thing wrong; is perfection personified; I am half the time VERY evil and sick and she has to 'train me to be like her'. Things that never happened are REAL - things that DID happen are NOT real and I am accused of things I either did innocently was a teenager (and she insists I did them NOW or 10 years ago) or they are outright lies or so bizarre they are beyond sick. The other day she called me and screamed at me that my Aunt Fran had called her to tell her that my 'phone call to her' made her 'so sick' I am the reason for her continual nose bleed!! (I never call the witch who is also BPD no doubt about it and just wants to cause trouble all the time - she betrayed me when I was 16 by sending a letter I wrote to her pouring my heart out about my mother's infidelity and behavior upon leaving which at that time destroyed me and I thought my aunt would at least honor my privacy and not betray me but she did I found out years later when nada brought it up last year to me for the first time). Of course I was upset, hurt and angry at nada! Who wouldn't be! I was ridiculed at school the next day on the school bus (we lived in a very small town and everyone knew every one else's business) and one of the kids taunted me by telling the girl I sat next to on the bus every day 'you don't want to sit next to HER! Didn't you hear?! My mother told the next door neighbor on the phone and I heard her that Marilyn's mother is a whore! She ran off with her boss! Marilyn can't be any better! " I was devastated. The girl did move to another seat upon hearing that. I had enough to deal with without that. My aunt next door (my father's sister) who was also a witch and most likely BPD as I see it but the only BPD in my father's family) had spread it at church to anyone who would hear after church that Sunday when all the gossip there went on every Sunday. I heard her telling a group of women and how 'awful it was' and how her sister-in-law was nothing but a whore and how sad she felt for my father! Not how sad she felt for ME as she went on to tell people there 'my niece is a whore too. She has her mother's blood in her and she can't help herself " . I didn't even DATE and I was a virgin! > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 10, 2010 Report Share Posted November 10, 2010 Dear Annie, Thank you for the nature/nurture explanation. This makes so much sense. In counseling psychology we call it the diasthesis stress model of behavior. They love to make up big names so they seem smart. It just says that some people are predisposed to certain coping mechanisms or reactions under stress. For example, I tend towards anxiety or depression when pressured. Your posts are deeply personal and well-informed. I appreciate reading them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.