sexual intrusiveness

[Guest guest]

On an earlier thread, many of you were saying things about BPD moms being overly

intrusive about your sex lives. These comments were so familiar that they made

my hair stand on end. When such things were happening to me, all those years

ago, I had no idea that (a) other mothers did not do these things to their

daughters or ( that it was weird. Both of my parents always said that our

family was especially close -- far closer than others -- so that we were evolved

enough to talk " honestly " about things that other families were afraid to talk

about. Our " bonds " were so strong that we could " talk like other families don't

talk. " I remember my father saying those exact words.

BUT (how did I not see this?) the only personal intimate stuff that was up for

discussion was MY personal intimate stuff. They never talked about their sex

life (thank God, actually) but my mother managed to terrify me about boys and

sex such that I was kind of crippled in that regard. She told me at an early

age: " Whenever you're in a situation that seems questionable, imagine how your

father and I would look if we could see you. " Thus I always felt that they were

watching me, everywhere. She also told me: " Don't even try to lie. A mother can

ALWAYS tell when her child is lying. " (The fact that she lied constantly didn't

figure into this. Plus I didn't know she was lying.)

My friends' mothers did not say or do such things to them, but I believed that

this was because my friends' mothers did not love my friends as much as my

mother loved me.

When I was thirteen or so, she would seize my hands and sniff them to see if

they had been " down there. "

She constantly grilled me on whether I was " having intercourse " with my

high-school boyfriends (I wasn't). I went away to work for one summer during

college and when I came back, she asked me urgently, " You're still a virgin,

aren't you? " (This wasn't the 1950s, by the way. It was the 1980s.) I said no, I

wasn't a virgin anymore, because no way in a million years did it occur to me to

lie or tell her it was none of her business. Her response was to burst into

tears, shout " Why? WHY??? Are you pregnant????? " (as if that was the worst thing

in the world) and then to say, " If your father finds out, it will kill him. "

She told me that he would sometimes smile at her and say proudly, " Our daughter

is a virgin. "

WTH?????????

A few years later, I went traveling with my college boyfriend. Upon my return,

my father asked me whether I had " slept in the same beds " with BF while

traveling. I said yes. Dad said, " Does that mean you're ... ? " I said yes,

feeling horribly ashamed and suddenly worthless and disgusting. For the next

year or so, Dad would make inappropriate comments around me and BF. My response

was always horrified silence.

That is my conditioned response to nearly everything.