Re: Boundaries UP... reinforced, land-mined and with bigger dogs that ever before!

[Guest guest]

Your teen sounds awesome!

And your nada seems to have undergone the same " miraculous cure " that mine did

after her first round of therapy.

My nada did manage to behave really well for Sister for a few weeks after her

first 6 months of therapy, then nada had a kind of spectacular melt-down

rage-tantrum (triggered by Sister being a few minutes late to pick nada up for

some appointment or visit or other) in which nada screamed and shrieked that

there was nothing wrong with her (nada), that Sister and I are the crazy, mean,

hateful, lying ones, that nada had always been the perfect mother to us, and she

only went to therapy because we forced her to, etc., etc.

The " cure " had just been my nada holding in her normal rage and frustration and

contempt for Sister for longer than usual. After a couple more rounds of

therapy, Sister says nada is able to remain " nice " for longer periods of time

now, but I'm convinced that it has more to do with (a) Sister cutting way, way

back on how much face-time she spends with nada and ( me remaining in No

Contact.

Back when I was still in contact with nada and we'd visit each other in person I

noticed that we could be nice to each other for only about 2 days max (unless we

were visiting a place that nada finds wildly distracting and entertaining, like

Las Vegas.)

But under ordinary conditions nada would start picking at me and spoiling for a

fight after only a day or two, and I'd be climbing the walls looking for escape.

Sister and I seem to trigger an obsessive need in our nada to dominate, bully

and insult us, so, less contact is actually better.

I seem to bring out the worst in my nada, and vice versa.

-Annie

>

> Well it took less than a month for Nada to be CURED and for her to be 'moving

forward' and for me to being an ass for not moving on with her. Super!!!

>

> Don't worry... I'm wiser than that... I'm not taking the bait.

>

> Dad's side of the family (the only family I have left) has also set boundaries

for the holidays... " No XX - YOU may come on T day and XMas Eve but your

'boyfriend' (married lover) is NOT welcome. " So... the boundaries have been set

and it's not on me. First time EVER!!!

>

> Nada took T day OK... but she's insistant that boyfriend is coming and

'they'll get a hotel and he can wait there for me...' Good grief... the bonus

round here is that she then whined to my dad, 'well... I need to bring M. so

that I can introduce (my teen) to HIS NEW GRANDPA!!! "

>

> HOLY CRAP!!!!

>

> No way in %##$ is that ever going to be the case. I don't even know what

place to put that in my head. Thank GOD for a good therapist who is just

flabberghasted at all this too... and thank GOD for boundaries (although they

were developed late in life.)

>

> I told teen about this last night... and his response, " Mom... can I just call

him Dude? It's not like he'll be around next year cause nada chases people away

like a dog. "

>

> I said, " I love you... you can call him by his name and NO...he'll ever be

your Grandpa unless they get married and you WANT that. "

>

> He replied, " I have an awesome Grandpa. I'm good. "

>

> Wow. wow. wow. wow.

>

> Lynnette

>

[Guest guest]

Ya know, Annie... I never considered this " (unless we

were visiting a place that nada finds wildly distracting and entertaining, like

Las Vegas) " but it's spot on for nada as well as my ex (who my therapist

suspects is Narc person....

When nada is being entertained - she's golden for awhile. Usually it's in the

form of shopping trips or was - back when I'd go- or vacations - again... back

when.. Ex was always wanting to go on trips... we did a lot of trips to Vegas

and LA, etc. The more flash, the better. It was those alone and quiet normal

times when she acts up badly - and he did too.

It's as if without the shiny sparkles and noise they have no meaning... the

can't find comfort in the ordinary... so they have to create the drama to have

something to interact with. Something to trigger the pleasure centers in the

brain. I'd be interested in seeing if a personality disordered person has the

same MRI brain 'light up' as an addict does. I bet they're eerily similar.

Interesting to note also the ex was a 'recovering alcoholic' from 22 years past

and nada abuses perscription drugs and keeps stockpiles. I['m lucky if I have

dayquil and ibuprophen on hand ;o)

So glad I have a therapy appt for next week... ahead of the holidays...during

act up periods ;o)

Lynnette - who has a fabulous teen and a love that has NONE of this crap but was

married to a bpd so he 'gets it'... I love this man!

> >

> > Well it took less than a month for Nada to be CURED and for her to be

'moving forward' and for me to being an ass for not moving on with her.

Super!!!

> >

> > Don't worry... I'm wiser than that... I'm not taking the bait.

> >

> > Dad's side of the family (the only family I have left) has also set

boundaries for the holidays... " No XX - YOU may come on T day and XMas Eve but

your 'boyfriend' (married lover) is NOT welcome. " So... the boundaries have

been set and it's not on me. First time EVER!!!

> >

> > Nada took T day OK... but she's insistant that boyfriend is coming and

'they'll get a hotel and he can wait there for me...' Good grief... the bonus

round here is that she then whined to my dad, 'well... I need to bring M. so

that I can introduce (my teen) to HIS NEW GRANDPA!!! "

> >

> > HOLY CRAP!!!!

> >

> > No way in %##$ is that ever going to be the case. I don't even know what

place to put that in my head. Thank GOD for a good therapist who is just

flabberghasted at all this too... and thank GOD for boundaries (although they

were developed late in life.)

> >

> > I told teen about this last night... and his response, " Mom... can I just

call him Dude? It's not like he'll be around next year cause nada chases people

away like a dog. "

> >

> > I said, " I love you... you can call him by his name and NO...he'll ever be

your Grandpa unless they get married and you WANT that. "

> >

> > He replied, " I have an awesome Grandpa. I'm good. "

> >

> > Wow. wow. wow. wow.

> >

> > Lynnette

> >

>

[Guest guest]

The entertainment thing. For my nada, it's shopping, intense places like an

arcade or Chuck E. Cheese (kind of hate that place ha ha)

-OR-

any distracting addictive behavior:

overeating, controlling diets, alcoholism, shopping addiction with thousands in

credit bills, etc.

Isn't this common in anyone with serious psychological issues? I think it's the

need to escape the pain?

Again, it fits with the " stuck in the teen years " phenomenon as well.

-Coal Miner's Daughter/Dotter

Another meaning for this name:

Dotting I's and Crossing T's to keep nada sane - describes minding your P's and

Q's to keep from rocking the boat

>

> Ya know, Annie... I never considered this " (unless we

> were visiting a place that nada finds wildly distracting and entertaining,

like Las Vegas) " but it's spot on for nada as well as my ex (who my therapist

suspects is Narc person....

>

> When nada is being entertained - she's golden for awhile. Usually it's in the

form of shopping trips or was - back when I'd go- or vacations - again... back

when.. Ex was always wanting to go on trips... we did a lot of trips to Vegas

and LA, etc. The more flash, the better. It was those alone and quiet normal

times when she acts up badly - and he did too.

>

> It's as if without the shiny sparkles and noise they have no meaning... the

can't find comfort in the ordinary... so they have to create the drama to have

something to interact with. Something to trigger the pleasure centers in the

brain. I'd be interested in seeing if a personality disordered person has the

same MRI brain 'light up' as an addict does. I bet they're eerily similar.

> >

> Lynnette