Re: did your nada (or fada) ever actually play with you when you were little?

[Guest guest]

I don't remember nada playing with me either. And sadly, I wasn't a very good

play partner as a mother, even though I wanted to. It depressed me terribly and

I never knew why. Only in the last few years and thanks to this forum do I know

why now.

My father did stuff with me (gardening, bowling, craft stuff) - though he didn't

seem to enjoy it a lot. I also now know that it was dealing with nada that

messed him up. He does have some narcicist fleas but the longer the time passes

since nada's death, the more " normal " he becomes. He was definitely in that

class of parent who was unknowingly abusive by expecting me and my sister to not

" upset " nada.

Flowers in Oz (and my pansies are looking good!)

-----Original Message-----

>I do not have any memories of my mother ever just playing with me, such as

pushing me on a swing, or playing with blocks, or a board game, or playing dolls

with me; nothing.

>

>I remember her being present, but, not interacting with me. All my

play-partners were kids my own age, or my dad. I'll have to ask Sister if she

remembers our mom ever just playing with her, anything at all.

>>It shouldn't surprise me, I guess, but so far none of the members at the other

support group remember their mother playing with them as children, either.

[Guest guest]

No.

But wasn't that generational?

I seem to remember having this conversation with some other parents. These days

we're expected to play with our kids. I can't. I honestly do not know how. Now

that my eldest is 7, we play card/board games, I can get into that.

My inlaws do though, they have a ball together.

I remember getting shoved out the door as soon as she was awake. I came home for

meals, if she wasn't working (if she was, I foraged...LOL!).

Jen

>

> This question came up at another support group for the adult children of bpd

parents, and I found it interesting because I'm drawing a blank RE my own

memories on the subject.

>

> I do not have any memories of my mother ever just playing with me, such as

pushing me on a swing, or playing with blocks, or a board game, or playing dolls

with me; nothing.

>

> I remember her being present, but, not interacting with me. All my

play-partners were kids my own age, or my dad. I'll have to ask Sister if she

remembers our mom ever just playing with her, anything at all.

>

> Once I got to be an older child and a teen, the only thing my nada and I ever

did together as an " activity " was go shopping. That didn't bore her, she liked

shopping.

>

> It shouldn't surprise me, I guess, but so far none of the members at the other

support group remember their mother playing with them as children, either.

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

My nada was a preschool teacher person... she loved little kids. Still does.

But when they get older - 1-3rd grade, they're no longer charmed by her and she

drops them. That said, because I have almost no memories that are mine from

ages 7-10 I'd be hard pressed to know if she played with me or not. I think she

did... but I do remember being creeped out when we'd play things like Barbi's

cause her dialoge would always become hyper sexualized... and my Barbie's food

was always pot seeds... I knew... even then... that wasn't normal.

Lynnette - who doesn't really think her childhood was the Groovy Adventure she's

been told to believe it was.

>

> This question came up at another support group for the adult children of bpd

parents, and I found it interesting because I'm drawing a blank RE my own

memories on the subject.

>

> I do not have any memories of my mother ever just playing with me, such as

pushing me on a swing, or playing with blocks, or a board game, or playing dolls

with me; nothing.

>

> I remember her being present, but, not interacting with me. All my

play-partners were kids my own age, or my dad. I'll have to ask Sister if she

remembers our mom ever just playing with her, anything at all.

>

> Once I got to be an older child and a teen, the only thing my nada and I ever

did together as an " activity " was go shopping. That didn't bore her, she liked

shopping.

>

> It shouldn't surprise me, I guess, but so far none of the members at the other

support group remember their mother playing with them as children, either.

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

I have absolutely no memories of my nada ever playing with me, and my nada also

only seemed to like to take me shopping when I got older! The similarities on

this list are always so amazing to me.

It is a constant struggle for me to be able to just " play " - with my kids, with

friends, with anyone. It does not come naturally, and I am acutely aware that I

don't play with my kids often enough. But then I take a look at how I was

raised, and can see where it comes from. It's a flea I'd like to get rid of. I

do try and plan special days and outings with my kids though. Someday when my

kids are in therapy (years from now), they can complain that " mommy never played

barbies with us, but she did go on the kiddie roller coaster with me at

Disneyland. " :-)

-

>

> This question came up at another support group for the adult children of bpd

parents, and I found it interesting because I'm drawing a blank RE my own

memories on the subject.

>

> I do not have any memories of my mother ever just playing with me, such as

pushing me on a swing, or playing with blocks, or a board game, or playing dolls

with me; nothing.

>

> I remember her being present, but, not interacting with me. All my

play-partners were kids my own age, or my dad. I'll have to ask Sister if she

remembers our mom ever just playing with her, anything at all.

>

> Once I got to be an older child and a teen, the only thing my nada and I ever

did together as an " activity " was go shopping. That didn't bore her, she liked

shopping.

>

> It shouldn't surprise me, I guess, but so far none of the members at the other

support group remember their mother playing with them as children, either.

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

I have absolutely no memories of my nada ever playing with me, and my nada also

only seemed to like to take me shopping when I got older! The similarities on

this list are always so amazing to me.

It is a constant struggle for me to be able to just " play " - with my kids, with

friends, with anyone. It does not come naturally, and I am acutely aware that I

don't play with my kids often enough. But then I take a look at how I was

raised, and can see where it comes from. It's a flea I'd like to get rid of. I

do try and plan special days and outings with my kids though. Someday when my

kids are in therapy (years from now), they can complain that " mommy never played

barbies with us, but she did go on the kiddie roller coaster with me at

Disneyland. " :-)

-

>

> This question came up at another support group for the adult children of bpd

parents, and I found it interesting because I'm drawing a blank RE my own

memories on the subject.

>

> I do not have any memories of my mother ever just playing with me, such as

pushing me on a swing, or playing with blocks, or a board game, or playing dolls

with me; nothing.

>

> I remember her being present, but, not interacting with me. All my

play-partners were kids my own age, or my dad. I'll have to ask Sister if she

remembers our mom ever just playing with her, anything at all.

>

> Once I got to be an older child and a teen, the only thing my nada and I ever

did together as an " activity " was go shopping. That didn't bore her, she liked

shopping.

>

> It shouldn't surprise me, I guess, but so far none of the members at the other

support group remember their mother playing with them as children, either.

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

I have absolutely no memories of my nada ever playing with me, and my nada also

only seemed to like to take me shopping when I got older! The similarities on

this list are always so amazing to me.

It is a constant struggle for me to be able to just " play " - with my kids, with

friends, with anyone. It does not come naturally, and I am acutely aware that I

don't play with my kids often enough. But then I take a look at how I was

raised, and can see where it comes from. It's a flea I'd like to get rid of. I

do try and plan special days and outings with my kids though. Someday when my

kids are in therapy (years from now), they can complain that " mommy never played

barbies with us, but she did go on the kiddie roller coaster with me at

Disneyland. " :-)

-

>

> This question came up at another support group for the adult children of bpd

parents, and I found it interesting because I'm drawing a blank RE my own

memories on the subject.

>

> I do not have any memories of my mother ever just playing with me, such as

pushing me on a swing, or playing with blocks, or a board game, or playing dolls

with me; nothing.

>

> I remember her being present, but, not interacting with me. All my

play-partners were kids my own age, or my dad. I'll have to ask Sister if she

remembers our mom ever just playing with her, anything at all.

>

> Once I got to be an older child and a teen, the only thing my nada and I ever

did together as an " activity " was go shopping. That didn't bore her, she liked

shopping.

>

> It shouldn't surprise me, I guess, but so far none of the members at the other

support group remember their mother playing with them as children, either.

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

Annie and Lynette

My Nada was an elementary school teach for over 30 years in the public schools.

Poor kids. I have thought this before. My Nada and even my father NEVER did

anything including play with us. My Nada didn't like shopping so we never did

that. We did grocery shopping. I was thinking about it in terms of my

involvement with my children and " playing " and doing things with them. I find

myself reluctant or not willing and I thought it is foreign to me because my

upbringing had none of it so it was unfamiliar to me. I wonder what the

connection is? Not playing with their kids?

Subject: Re: did your nada (or fada) ever actually play with

you when you were little?

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Wednesday, November 10, 2010, 8:04 PM

 

My nada was a preschool teacher person... she loved little kids. Still does. But

when they get older - 1-3rd grade, they're no longer charmed by her and she

drops them. That said, because I have almost no memories that are mine from ages

7-10 I'd be hard pressed to know if she played with me or not. I think she

did... but I do remember being creeped out when we'd play things like Barbi's

cause her dialoge would always become hyper sexualized... and my Barbie's food

was always pot seeds... I knew... even then... that wasn't normal.

Lynnette - who doesn't really think her childhood was the Groovy Adventure she's

been told to believe it was.

>

> This question came up at another support group for the adult children of bpd

parents, and I found it interesting because I'm drawing a blank RE my own

memories on the subject.

>

> I do not have any memories of my mother ever just playing with me, such as

pushing me on a swing, or playing with blocks, or a board game, or playing dolls

with me; nothing.

>

> I remember her being present, but, not interacting with me. All my

play-partners were kids my own age, or my dad. I'll have to ask Sister if she

remembers our mom ever just playing with her, anything at all.

>

> Once I got to be an older child and a teen, the only thing my nada and I ever

did together as an " activity " was go shopping. That didn't bore her, she liked

shopping.

>

> It shouldn't surprise me, I guess, but so far none of the members at the other

support group remember their mother playing with them as children, either.

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

this is such a good question, annie.

I was thinking about something like this the other day.

Not if my mother had played with me, but if she had ever really connected with

me.

Obviously, she didn't or I wouldn't be here. But I just realized the other day

that when my 13 year old daughter is in emotional pain, my immediate desire is

to withdraw. I don't withdraw, as hard as it is for me. I try to engage her and

draw out her feelings. But wow - I see why I'm like that.

I couldn't think of one time that my mother or father could contain my pain or

feelings and just let me experience them and hold me. I remember when we moved

from one state to another and my homework at my new school was overwhelming me.

I thought I would fail. I remember sobbing one night and actually falling to the

floor in tears.

My father just sat where he was. My mother just stood where she was. It was like

they were frozen, unable to offer me ANYthing to comfort me. They just

awkwardly spoke some pithy overused statements until I left the room.

I don't want to be like this with my kids. I hope I'm not.

As for my mother playing with me...she would do funny voices sometimes for my

dolls, but other than that, no. She would just say, " no that bores me. " If it

didn't interest her, she didn't want to do it. And I get that, I really don't

enjoy playing dollhouse with my little one (although I will do it from time to

time; maybe after reading this post today I'll surprise her and OFFER to play it

with her!) but then she and I will think about other games we both like.

But my mom always seemed preoccupied with other things.

I

>

> This question came up at another support group for the adult children of bpd

parents, and I found it interesting because I'm drawing a blank RE my own

memories on the subject.

>

> I do not have any memories of my mother ever just playing with me, such as

pushing me on a swing, or playing with blocks, or a board game, or playing dolls

with me; nothing.

>

> I remember her being present, but, not interacting with me. All my

play-partners were kids my own age, or my dad. I'll have to ask Sister if she

remembers our mom ever just playing with her, anything at all.

>

> Once I got to be an older child and a teen, the only thing my nada and I ever

did together as an " activity " was go shopping. That didn't bore her, she liked

shopping.

>

> It shouldn't surprise me, I guess, but so far none of the members at the other

support group remember their mother playing with them as children, either.

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

this is such a good question, annie.

I was thinking about something like this the other day.

Not if my mother had played with me, but if she had ever really connected with

me.

Obviously, she didn't or I wouldn't be here. But I just realized the other day

that when my 13 year old daughter is in emotional pain, my immediate desire is

to withdraw. I don't withdraw, as hard as it is for me. I try to engage her and

draw out her feelings. But wow - I see why I'm like that.

I couldn't think of one time that my mother or father could contain my pain or

feelings and just let me experience them and hold me. I remember when we moved

from one state to another and my homework at my new school was overwhelming me.

I thought I would fail. I remember sobbing one night and actually falling to the

floor in tears.

My father just sat where he was. My mother just stood where she was. It was like

they were frozen, unable to offer me ANYthing to comfort me. They just

awkwardly spoke some pithy overused statements until I left the room.

I don't want to be like this with my kids. I hope I'm not.

As for my mother playing with me...she would do funny voices sometimes for my

dolls, but other than that, no. She would just say, " no that bores me. " If it

didn't interest her, she didn't want to do it. And I get that, I really don't

enjoy playing dollhouse with my little one (although I will do it from time to

time; maybe after reading this post today I'll surprise her and OFFER to play it

with her!) but then she and I will think about other games we both like.

But my mom always seemed preoccupied with other things.

I

>

> This question came up at another support group for the adult children of bpd

parents, and I found it interesting because I'm drawing a blank RE my own

memories on the subject.

>

> I do not have any memories of my mother ever just playing with me, such as

pushing me on a swing, or playing with blocks, or a board game, or playing dolls

with me; nothing.

>

> I remember her being present, but, not interacting with me. All my

play-partners were kids my own age, or my dad. I'll have to ask Sister if she

remembers our mom ever just playing with her, anything at all.

>

> Once I got to be an older child and a teen, the only thing my nada and I ever

did together as an " activity " was go shopping. That didn't bore her, she liked

shopping.

>

> It shouldn't surprise me, I guess, but so far none of the members at the other

support group remember their mother playing with them as children, either.

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

this is such a good question, annie.

I was thinking about something like this the other day.

Not if my mother had played with me, but if she had ever really connected with

me.

Obviously, she didn't or I wouldn't be here. But I just realized the other day

that when my 13 year old daughter is in emotional pain, my immediate desire is

to withdraw. I don't withdraw, as hard as it is for me. I try to engage her and

draw out her feelings. But wow - I see why I'm like that.

I couldn't think of one time that my mother or father could contain my pain or

feelings and just let me experience them and hold me. I remember when we moved

from one state to another and my homework at my new school was overwhelming me.

I thought I would fail. I remember sobbing one night and actually falling to the

floor in tears.

My father just sat where he was. My mother just stood where she was. It was like

they were frozen, unable to offer me ANYthing to comfort me. They just

awkwardly spoke some pithy overused statements until I left the room.

I don't want to be like this with my kids. I hope I'm not.

As for my mother playing with me...she would do funny voices sometimes for my

dolls, but other than that, no. She would just say, " no that bores me. " If it

didn't interest her, she didn't want to do it. And I get that, I really don't

enjoy playing dollhouse with my little one (although I will do it from time to

time; maybe after reading this post today I'll surprise her and OFFER to play it

with her!) but then she and I will think about other games we both like.

But my mom always seemed preoccupied with other things.

I

>

> This question came up at another support group for the adult children of bpd

parents, and I found it interesting because I'm drawing a blank RE my own

memories on the subject.

>

> I do not have any memories of my mother ever just playing with me, such as

pushing me on a swing, or playing with blocks, or a board game, or playing dolls

with me; nothing.

>

> I remember her being present, but, not interacting with me. All my

play-partners were kids my own age, or my dad. I'll have to ask Sister if she

remembers our mom ever just playing with her, anything at all.

>

> Once I got to be an older child and a teen, the only thing my nada and I ever

did together as an " activity " was go shopping. That didn't bore her, she liked

shopping.

>

> It shouldn't surprise me, I guess, but so far none of the members at the other

support group remember their mother playing with them as children, either.

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

This is another one of those surprises about having a nada. This is something I

never thought about but you're right, mine never played with me. What I remember

is being told constantly to be quiet (she claims to have sensitive ears and

can't stand noise). I had books even as a toddler and that's what I did, looked

through them. As for toys, I don't remember many -a couple of games, a couple of

plastic animals.

We never had pets because she said I have asthma and couldn't have stuffed

animals or real ones. Instead I played outside with bugs. Interestingly enough,

I do have asthma but have been working with wildlife for the past 20 years and

it's never triggered my asthma.

She didn't take me to visit friends or go to school events either. She went

through men so frequently and we moved so often I never had much in the way of

friends. I was there to perform (do something cute ) for her adult friends. I

even asked her a few years ago " did you take me to visit other kids from school

or drive me to school events? " She flat out told me no, she didn't. She took me

once in high school. Another time I asked for a ride and she said no. I do

remember walking a lot, even to school when I was very little.

I'm trying very hard to remember fun times with her but all that comes up is

having to start dinner for her (she was working) after I got home from school,

vacuum and dust (which she complained how I did it) and when I was very young

and it was just the 2 of us, she would lay an arm and leg over my body to keep

me from leaving the bed in the mornings. She wanted to sleep in and I had to be

very still or get yelled at. I felt suffocated.

>

> This question came up at another support group for the adult children of bpd

parents, and I found it interesting because I'm drawing a blank RE my own

memories on the subject.

>

> I do not have any memories of my mother ever just playing with me, such as

pushing me on a swing, or playing with blocks, or a board game, or playing dolls

with me; nothing.

>

> I remember her being present, but, not interacting with me. All my

play-partners were kids my own age, or my dad. I'll have to ask Sister if she

remembers our mom ever just playing with her, anything at all.

>

> Once I got to be an older child and a teen, the only thing my nada and I ever

did together as an " activity " was go shopping. That didn't bore her, she liked

shopping.

>

> It shouldn't surprise me, I guess, but so far none of the members at the other

support group remember their mother playing with them as children, either.

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

This is another one of those surprises about having a nada. This is something I

never thought about but you're right, mine never played with me. What I remember

is being told constantly to be quiet (she claims to have sensitive ears and

can't stand noise). I had books even as a toddler and that's what I did, looked

through them. As for toys, I don't remember many -a couple of games, a couple of

plastic animals.

We never had pets because she said I have asthma and couldn't have stuffed

animals or real ones. Instead I played outside with bugs. Interestingly enough,

I do have asthma but have been working with wildlife for the past 20 years and

it's never triggered my asthma.

She didn't take me to visit friends or go to school events either. She went

through men so frequently and we moved so often I never had much in the way of

friends. I was there to perform (do something cute ) for her adult friends. I

even asked her a few years ago " did you take me to visit other kids from school

or drive me to school events? " She flat out told me no, she didn't. She took me

once in high school. Another time I asked for a ride and she said no. I do

remember walking a lot, even to school when I was very little.

I'm trying very hard to remember fun times with her but all that comes up is

having to start dinner for her (she was working) after I got home from school,

vacuum and dust (which she complained how I did it) and when I was very young

and it was just the 2 of us, she would lay an arm and leg over my body to keep

me from leaving the bed in the mornings. She wanted to sleep in and I had to be

very still or get yelled at. I felt suffocated.

>

> This question came up at another support group for the adult children of bpd

parents, and I found it interesting because I'm drawing a blank RE my own

memories on the subject.

>

> I do not have any memories of my mother ever just playing with me, such as

pushing me on a swing, or playing with blocks, or a board game, or playing dolls

with me; nothing.

>

> I remember her being present, but, not interacting with me. All my

play-partners were kids my own age, or my dad. I'll have to ask Sister if she

remembers our mom ever just playing with her, anything at all.

>

> Once I got to be an older child and a teen, the only thing my nada and I ever

did together as an " activity " was go shopping. That didn't bore her, she liked

shopping.

>

> It shouldn't surprise me, I guess, but so far none of the members at the other

support group remember their mother playing with them as children, either.

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

This is another one of those surprises about having a nada. This is something I

never thought about but you're right, mine never played with me. What I remember

is being told constantly to be quiet (she claims to have sensitive ears and

can't stand noise). I had books even as a toddler and that's what I did, looked

through them. As for toys, I don't remember many -a couple of games, a couple of

plastic animals.

We never had pets because she said I have asthma and couldn't have stuffed

animals or real ones. Instead I played outside with bugs. Interestingly enough,

I do have asthma but have been working with wildlife for the past 20 years and

it's never triggered my asthma.

She didn't take me to visit friends or go to school events either. She went

through men so frequently and we moved so often I never had much in the way of

friends. I was there to perform (do something cute ) for her adult friends. I

even asked her a few years ago " did you take me to visit other kids from school

or drive me to school events? " She flat out told me no, she didn't. She took me

once in high school. Another time I asked for a ride and she said no. I do

remember walking a lot, even to school when I was very little.

I'm trying very hard to remember fun times with her but all that comes up is

having to start dinner for her (she was working) after I got home from school,

vacuum and dust (which she complained how I did it) and when I was very young

and it was just the 2 of us, she would lay an arm and leg over my body to keep

me from leaving the bed in the mornings. She wanted to sleep in and I had to be

very still or get yelled at. I felt suffocated.

>

> This question came up at another support group for the adult children of bpd

parents, and I found it interesting because I'm drawing a blank RE my own

memories on the subject.

>

> I do not have any memories of my mother ever just playing with me, such as

pushing me on a swing, or playing with blocks, or a board game, or playing dolls

with me; nothing.

>

> I remember her being present, but, not interacting with me. All my

play-partners were kids my own age, or my dad. I'll have to ask Sister if she

remembers our mom ever just playing with her, anything at all.

>

> Once I got to be an older child and a teen, the only thing my nada and I ever

did together as an " activity " was go shopping. That didn't bore her, she liked

shopping.

>

> It shouldn't surprise me, I guess, but so far none of the members at the other

support group remember their mother playing with them as children, either.

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone,

There's alot of posts that on this so i'll be brief. It is a good conversation

to have. Firstly, my nada never drove me anywhere. I never was able to join

any school activities. I would never dare ask for a ride, money for an event,

or any normal just given to my children enjoyable things weren't even considered

as I was growing up. The emphasis was so on care taking nada and being

completely absorbed in her dramas(like being kick out all the time).

Secondly, When my sisters baby was born with tetrasomy 18p my nada could not

come up with a single photo of my sister or me in our toddler years for the

doctor, like ages 1-5!

Thirdly, I believe that the gene allele DQ8, the autoimmune disease gene is

implicated in BPD. I have hyper Ige(severe allergies) my daughter has Celiac

disease (wheat allergy)the other one has corn allergy, we all have suffered

severe Atopic Dermatitus(eczema)my youngest could not hear due to allergies

until 2 yrs old I suffer tinnitus, hearing hypercutis(Noise sensitivity) and 25%

loss in my balence system, 3 of us have asthma and emphyasema, small airways

disease(SAD) and small lung capacity and COPD in my case. We have had

Prometheus labs test our DNA separate times as things were diagnosed.

My nada kept telling my sister that I must have the photographs. When my sister

asked me, I asked her do you remember ever seeing her take a photo or ever

seeing any pictures of us in our house? Except for Ireland we could not recall

a one.

Disgustingly sad.

Sue

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone,

There's alot of posts that on this so i'll be brief. It is a good conversation

to have. Firstly, my nada never drove me anywhere. I never was able to join

any school activities. I would never dare ask for a ride, money for an event,

or any normal just given to my children enjoyable things weren't even considered

as I was growing up. The emphasis was so on care taking nada and being

completely absorbed in her dramas(like being kick out all the time).

Secondly, When my sisters baby was born with tetrasomy 18p my nada could not

come up with a single photo of my sister or me in our toddler years for the

doctor, like ages 1-5!

Thirdly, I believe that the gene allele DQ8, the autoimmune disease gene is

implicated in BPD. I have hyper Ige(severe allergies) my daughter has Celiac

disease (wheat allergy)the other one has corn allergy, we all have suffered

severe Atopic Dermatitus(eczema)my youngest could not hear due to allergies

until 2 yrs old I suffer tinnitus, hearing hypercutis(Noise sensitivity) and 25%

loss in my balence system, 3 of us have asthma and emphyasema, small airways

disease(SAD) and small lung capacity and COPD in my case. We have had

Prometheus labs test our DNA separate times as things were diagnosed.

My nada kept telling my sister that I must have the photographs. When my sister

asked me, I asked her do you remember ever seeing her take a photo or ever

seeing any pictures of us in our house? Except for Ireland we could not recall

a one.

Disgustingly sad.

Sue

[Guest guest]

Wow, like others, I had never really thought about this... My nada never really

played with me either. We lived out in the middle of nowhere (no civilization or

kids for many miles) and had lots of animals, and until my brother was born when

I was 6 I mostly just played by myself and with the dogs. I was like another dog

in a pack of them. I'd go out in the woods for hours by myself with 7 or 8 dogs.

I think this is why I love animals so much, now. They were my only friends for

awhile. (They are my nada's only friends too, especially as she get's older and

more crazy.)

My nada would never watch kids movies with me, or do anything kiddy with me at

all. She hated that stuff. My dad sometimes played legos with me, but by that I

mean, he sat and did his math in his notepad while I played. I actually really

liked that, though, it was more than my nada would do. My dad would also watch

TV with me. Although he did show me how to put them together properly.

My nada bought me a lot of toys, even though she didn't play with me. She would

feel guilty and try to make up for things by buying me stuff... kinda dif from

most of the nadas/fadas I've heard about. But STUFF never made up for her lack

of love. Her gifts also tended to have strings attached. It's made me not really

like gifts that much, I'd much prefer a good hug to a gift from my boyfriend,

for example.

The one thing she did play with me and my brother were board games when we were

old enough. Like chess and scrabble. And as an adult when we go over there we

still play board games, or poker.

Casey

>

> This question came up at another support group for the adult children of bpd

parents, and I found it interesting because I'm drawing a blank RE my own

memories on the subject.

>

> I do not have any memories of my mother ever just playing with me, such as

pushing me on a swing, or playing with blocks, or a board game, or playing dolls

with me; nothing.

>

> I remember her being present, but, not interacting with me. All my

play-partners were kids my own age, or my dad. I'll have to ask Sister if she

remembers our mom ever just playing with her, anything at all.

>

> Once I got to be an older child and a teen, the only thing my nada and I ever

did together as an " activity " was go shopping. That didn't bore her, she liked

shopping.

>

> It shouldn't surprise me, I guess, but so far none of the members at the other

support group remember their mother playing with them as children, either.

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

Wow, like others, I had never really thought about this... My nada never really

played with me either. We lived out in the middle of nowhere (no civilization or

kids for many miles) and had lots of animals, and until my brother was born when

I was 6 I mostly just played by myself and with the dogs. I was like another dog

in a pack of them. I'd go out in the woods for hours by myself with 7 or 8 dogs.

I think this is why I love animals so much, now. They were my only friends for

awhile. (They are my nada's only friends too, especially as she get's older and

more crazy.)

My nada would never watch kids movies with me, or do anything kiddy with me at

all. She hated that stuff. My dad sometimes played legos with me, but by that I

mean, he sat and did his math in his notepad while I played. I actually really

liked that, though, it was more than my nada would do. My dad would also watch

TV with me. Although he did show me how to put them together properly.

My nada bought me a lot of toys, even though she didn't play with me. She would

feel guilty and try to make up for things by buying me stuff... kinda dif from

most of the nadas/fadas I've heard about. But STUFF never made up for her lack

of love. Her gifts also tended to have strings attached. It's made me not really

like gifts that much, I'd much prefer a good hug to a gift from my boyfriend,

for example.

The one thing she did play with me and my brother were board games when we were

old enough. Like chess and scrabble. And as an adult when we go over there we

still play board games, or poker.

Casey

>

> This question came up at another support group for the adult children of bpd

parents, and I found it interesting because I'm drawing a blank RE my own

memories on the subject.

>

> I do not have any memories of my mother ever just playing with me, such as

pushing me on a swing, or playing with blocks, or a board game, or playing dolls

with me; nothing.

>

> I remember her being present, but, not interacting with me. All my

play-partners were kids my own age, or my dad. I'll have to ask Sister if she

remembers our mom ever just playing with her, anything at all.

>

> Once I got to be an older child and a teen, the only thing my nada and I ever

did together as an " activity " was go shopping. That didn't bore her, she liked

shopping.

>

> It shouldn't surprise me, I guess, but so far none of the members at the other

support group remember their mother playing with them as children, either.

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

Wow, like others, I had never really thought about this... My nada never really

played with me either. We lived out in the middle of nowhere (no civilization or

kids for many miles) and had lots of animals, and until my brother was born when

I was 6 I mostly just played by myself and with the dogs. I was like another dog

in a pack of them. I'd go out in the woods for hours by myself with 7 or 8 dogs.

I think this is why I love animals so much, now. They were my only friends for

awhile. (They are my nada's only friends too, especially as she get's older and

more crazy.)

My nada would never watch kids movies with me, or do anything kiddy with me at

all. She hated that stuff. My dad sometimes played legos with me, but by that I

mean, he sat and did his math in his notepad while I played. I actually really

liked that, though, it was more than my nada would do. My dad would also watch

TV with me. Although he did show me how to put them together properly.

My nada bought me a lot of toys, even though she didn't play with me. She would

feel guilty and try to make up for things by buying me stuff... kinda dif from

most of the nadas/fadas I've heard about. But STUFF never made up for her lack

of love. Her gifts also tended to have strings attached. It's made me not really

like gifts that much, I'd much prefer a good hug to a gift from my boyfriend,

for example.

The one thing she did play with me and my brother were board games when we were

old enough. Like chess and scrabble. And as an adult when we go over there we

still play board games, or poker.

Casey

>

> This question came up at another support group for the adult children of bpd

parents, and I found it interesting because I'm drawing a blank RE my own

memories on the subject.

>

> I do not have any memories of my mother ever just playing with me, such as

pushing me on a swing, or playing with blocks, or a board game, or playing dolls

with me; nothing.

>

> I remember her being present, but, not interacting with me. All my

play-partners were kids my own age, or my dad. I'll have to ask Sister if she

remembers our mom ever just playing with her, anything at all.

>

> Once I got to be an older child and a teen, the only thing my nada and I ever

did together as an " activity " was go shopping. That didn't bore her, she liked

shopping.

>

> It shouldn't surprise me, I guess, but so far none of the members at the other

support group remember their mother playing with them as children, either.

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

My nada did sort of play with me but it was alot like playing with an

older,extremely bossy child.Not much fun!

I can remember before I went into preschool nada setting up paper and paint

for me but then intervening by literally taking the paint brush out of my hand

and " improving " my painting for me.Which was discouraging and frustrating but if

I got up and walked away to leave her to it,she got angry with me.

Whatever games we " played " were all about her wanting me to be impressed

with her somehow.Like when I was about five she decided one day to draw a

hopscotch pattern on the sidewalk with chalk and apparently I was supposed to be

in awe of her ability to do this.When I grew bored with the not very challenging

game and tried to initiate a conversation about a political situation that was

often on the news at the time,she exploded with " What's WRONG with you! "

It would make sense if a playmate my own age had had such a reaction and

didn't want to play with me anymore,but I was assuming that a thirty year old

adult might be more interested in such a discussion than playing

hopscotch.Wrong.Nada was more interested in impressing me with her skillful

hopping and how " good " she was at hopscotch.

When I was eight she discovered that I couldn't turn cartwheels and went

outside with me to show off her awesome ability to turn cartwheels.I tried to

imitate her but just couldn't do it.I suppose to someone else observing the

scene it would have looked like a fun loving,involved mother playfully trying to

teach her daughter to turn cartwheels by demonstrating how to do it.But as nada

did cartwheel after cartwheel,she boasted, " I was the cartwheel champion of the

neighborhood and ha! I've still got it " and when I just couldn't do it,she

gloated, " Well,you're just hopeless.Either you have it or you don't and you just

don't have it " and it was clear that she was just delighted to be able to do

something I couldn't.Look at me! Look at me! As she cartwheeled across the lawn

and I stood there feeling sickened and scared because I *knew* it wasn't right

that my own mother was acting like a snarky kid but I couldn't just say that to

myself pointblank,it was too much and too weird.Even my own friends by that age

were more mature than how nada was behaving,it was too creepy.

Fada " taught " me some card games and chess but " playing " with him was all

about *him* winning and mocking me for sucking at whatever the game was.He'd

actually laugh at me triumphantly when he won.Another " game " he played with me

was to invite me to engage in thumb wrestling with him and since he usually

didn't pay any attention to me at that age (five to eight),like a fool I'd get

suckered in to playing this " game " with him hoping to please him and have him

like me if I played along,then he'd bend my thumb back while he laughed at my

distress and me begging him to stop.Sadly I fell for that many times (for some

reason hoping every time that this time it would be ok?!) until I got to the

point of refusing his invitation,much to his disgust.He also did a variation of

this with a " Spock neck pinch " game from Star Trek--challenging me to reach up

and " get him " with a Spock neck pinch then quickly doing it to me before I could

reach his neck until I was wincing in pain and trying to get away--if I managed

to run away,he'd mock me with, " Oooh,whatsa matter? You can't take it,ha ha ha

nananana,you're a sissy " like an overgrown little boy.

Apparently neither of my parents ever progressed emotionally beyond the

age of six.

>

> This question came up at another support group for the adult children of bpd

parents, and I found it interesting because I'm drawing a blank RE my own

memories on the subject.

>

> I do not have any memories of my mother ever just playing with me, such as

pushing me on a swing, or playing with blocks, or a board game, or playing dolls

with me; nothing.

>

> I remember her being present, but, not interacting with me. All my

play-partners were kids my own age, or my dad. I'll have to ask Sister if she

remembers our mom ever just playing with her, anything at all.

>

> Once I got to be an older child and a teen, the only thing my nada and I ever

did together as an " activity " was go shopping. That didn't bore her, she liked

shopping.

>

> It shouldn't surprise me, I guess, but so far none of the members at the other

support group remember their mother playing with them as children, either.

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

Hahahahaha

Ok - the cartwheels made me laugh out loud. Yeah - totally. Same thing. She

'taught' me how to sew, by sewing the costume for school and making me watch,

but I didn't get to actually participate other than watching. My grandnada did

something even worse. I gave a piano recital at our house as a child for family

and friends, and when I was done, she got up and went to the piano to show us

all how to really play.

I watch nada now 'play' with my daughter, and instead of playing *with* my

daughter, she plays with the toy itself, as if it's more important to get the

little ball through the hole than it is to watch the toddler discover this

incredible world.

I have only one memory of her being nice to me, (she read a chapter of Charlie

and the Chocolate Factory to me and then we went to go buy chocolate bars at the

CVS down the street) and it sticks out in my head because I remember at the time

wondering why she was being so nice to me. I was 10.

-Terri

> >

> > This question came up at another support group for the adult children of bpd

parents, and I found it interesting because I'm drawing a blank RE my own

memories on the subject.

> >

> > I do not have any memories of my mother ever just playing with me, such as

pushing me on a swing, or playing with blocks, or a board game, or playing dolls

with me; nothing.

> >

> > I remember her being present, but, not interacting with me. All my

play-partners were kids my own age, or my dad. I'll have to ask Sister if she

remembers our mom ever just playing with her, anything at all.

> >

> > Once I got to be an older child and a teen, the only thing my nada and I

ever did together as an " activity " was go shopping. That didn't bore her, she

liked shopping.

> >

> > It shouldn't surprise me, I guess, but so far none of the members at the

other support group remember their mother playing with them as children, either.

> >

> > -Annie

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Another match -

Nada never played with me and took us shopping as our " activity " .

It's interesting because I think of BPD as someone being stuck perpetually as a

kid. But it is probably more accurate to say they are stuck as a teen or

pre-teen. The drama, sexually preoccupations, selfish self-focus, etc.

My dad (who escaped through divorce) once said he didn't think she could " help "

it, so-to-speak. He said she seemed stuck at around age 13, the time she was

sexually abused by an uncle. (fondling of breasts in this case - not

intercourse)

Thinking of her as a 13 year-old in an adult body helps and makes sense to me.

It doesn't excuse her behavior, but helps me understand and even predict what

she will do. Do you guys think this is an accurate description?

[Guest guest]

p.s. I LOVE to play with my children, play-acting stuffed animals or holding

pets together. I have noticed a bit of a mean streak where I like to tease my

oldest. I am controlling this urge since I noticed it. Probably a " flea " from

nada's cruel teasing?

[Guest guest]

I definitely think (and this is just my own opinion) that what you've pointed

out is a big part of what bpd is: having reached some early level/stage of

emotional development and then just... stopping.

There isn't even a proper, clinical term to describe this concept but I've been

thinking of it as being " emotionally retarded. " I guess " emotionally

developmentally challenged " would be the more politically correct term.

I don't recall having come across any papers on this theory, but I wonder if,

like intellectual impairment, emotional impairment could exist in a range of

levels from mildly impaired (able to care for themselves to a degree, hold down

a job of some kind, etc.) to profoundly impaired, from individual to individual.

I am more than willing to believe that my own nada stopped developing

emotionally at about age 18 months, because she was (as a younger adult) so

easily frustrated and triggered into rage-tantrums. And I'm talking about

screaming, red-faced, pupil-dilated, spittle-flying rage tantrums that would

usually involve physically assaulting Sister and me to one degree or another.

And yet, she was so very obsessed with sexual issues as regards to myself, and

that would seem to indicate a teen or pre-teen level of emotional development.

Perhaps unlike the intelligence quotient which (if I understand it correctly) is

pretty much fixed, emotional IQ can slide around within a limited range of

ability?

I'd say that at her best my nada is a 12 year old child (who recently hit

puberty) and at her worst she is an out-of-control, tantrum-pitching 18 month

old toddler. The irony, as you pointed out, is that she is a " child " who didn't

enjoy playing with other children, real children, seemed to disdain them and had

a need to feel superior to them.

If the parts of the brain that perceive emotional input coming from other

people, that interpret and consider emotion, and that determine and regulate the

emotional response just *stop growing* at a certain early stage of development

*without affecting the intellect at all, so the intelligence continues to

develop normally* then I'd love to read some studies on that. It sounds like a

valid theory to me.

-Annie

>

> Another match -

> Nada never played with me and took us shopping as our " activity " .

>

> It's interesting because I think of BPD as someone being stuck perpetually as

a kid. But it is probably more accurate to say they are stuck as a teen or

pre-teen. The drama, sexually preoccupations, selfish self-focus, etc.

>

> My dad (who escaped through divorce) once said he didn't think she could

" help " it, so-to-speak. He said she seemed stuck at around age 13, the time she

was sexually abused by an uncle. (fondling of breasts in this case - not

intercourse)

>

> Thinking of her as a 13 year-old in an adult body helps and makes sense to me.

It doesn't excuse her behavior, but helps me understand and even predict what

she will do. Do you guys think this is an accurate description?

>

[Guest guest]

My nada seems emotionally developmentally challenged. (I actually used to tell

sis that mom seemed retarded, but not exactly; of course, sis was offended - she

was deep in Oz back then.)

Just today, my sister said that mom was worried about Thanksgiving meal costs

and said it costs $200-$300 to put on a meal. We both know that what actually

happens is nada fills the cart with high-dollar brand names, toiletries, hair

dye, etc. and then calls it her trip to get groceries for a family meal. It's

interesting how she actually believes the turkey and freeze-dried potatoes cost

$300.

I have noticed in some family and friends with BPD tendencies that there is kind

of an intellectual effect as well. For example, I read somewhere that some

people can perform basic math computations extremely well, type fast and

regurgitate information convincingly. But they become lost with more advanced

concepts like algebra and don't tend to generate new ideas creatively. This

type of person functions well in society or in an office. My nada repeats

things others say such that she appears deeply thoughtful and intelligent. It

is only by having extended conversations with the same people as her that sis

and I have discovered that almost every thought nada relays is unoriginal!

E-mail communication has helped to clarify this point. Her e-mails are

surprisingly juvenile in content and form.

>

> I definitely think (and this is just my own opinion) that what you've pointed

out is a big part of what bpd is: having reached some early level/stage of

emotional development and then just... stopping.

>

> There isn't even a proper, clinical term to describe this concept but I've

been thinking of it as being " emotionally retarded. " I guess " emotionally

developmentally challenged " would be the more politically correct term.

>

> I don't recall having come across any papers on this theory, but I wonder if,

like intellectual impairment, emotional impairment could exist in a range of

levels from mildly impaired (able to care for themselves to a degree, hold down

a job of some kind, etc.) to profoundly impaired, from individual to individual.

>

> If the parts of the brain that perceive emotional input coming from other

people, that interpret and consider emotion, and that determine and regulate the

emotional response just *stop growing* at a certain early stage of development

*without affecting the intellect at all, so the intelligence continues to

develop normally* then I'd love to read some studies on that. It sounds like a

valid theory to me.

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

My nada seems emotionally developmentally challenged. (I actually used to tell

sis that mom seemed retarded, but not exactly; of course, sis was offended - she

was deep in Oz back then.)

Just today, my sister said that mom was worried about Thanksgiving meal costs

and said it costs $200-$300 to put on a meal. We both know that what actually

happens is nada fills the cart with high-dollar brand names, toiletries, hair

dye, etc. and then calls it her trip to get groceries for a family meal. It's

interesting how she actually believes the turkey and freeze-dried potatoes cost

$300.

I have noticed in some family and friends with BPD tendencies that there is kind

of an intellectual effect as well. For example, I read somewhere that some

people can perform basic math computations extremely well, type fast and

regurgitate information convincingly. But they become lost with more advanced

concepts like algebra and don't tend to generate new ideas creatively. This

type of person functions well in society or in an office. My nada repeats

things others say such that she appears deeply thoughtful and intelligent. It

is only by having extended conversations with the same people as her that sis

and I have discovered that almost every thought nada relays is unoriginal!

E-mail communication has helped to clarify this point. Her e-mails are

surprisingly juvenile in content and form.

>

> I definitely think (and this is just my own opinion) that what you've pointed

out is a big part of what bpd is: having reached some early level/stage of

emotional development and then just... stopping.

>

> There isn't even a proper, clinical term to describe this concept but I've

been thinking of it as being " emotionally retarded. " I guess " emotionally

developmentally challenged " would be the more politically correct term.

>

> I don't recall having come across any papers on this theory, but I wonder if,

like intellectual impairment, emotional impairment could exist in a range of

levels from mildly impaired (able to care for themselves to a degree, hold down

a job of some kind, etc.) to profoundly impaired, from individual to individual.

>

> If the parts of the brain that perceive emotional input coming from other

people, that interpret and consider emotion, and that determine and regulate the

emotional response just *stop growing* at a certain early stage of development

*without affecting the intellect at all, so the intelligence continues to

develop normally* then I'd love to read some studies on that. It sounds like a

valid theory to me.

>

> -Annie

>