Re: did your nada (or fada) ever actually play with you when you were little?

November 12, 2010

Nope. My nada and fada were far too angry and absorbed in their own worlds to

play with us.

I remember going to friends' houses and being shocked that their parents would

play games with us, and being so thrilled. My nada would sit in the kitchen for

hours on end reading novels and chain smoking. If we disturbed her for any

reason she pitched a tantrum. I suspect it was a form of escapism for nada.

Fada would sometimes play chess with us or rent movies for us, but only to get

us going on something on our own, so he could then run off and drink. At least

he didn't pitch temper fits if we asked for attention.

There were no rides to/from school, no interest in our daily lives, no real

interest in us at all it seemed, unless it was to vent out anger and bitterness

or to scream, hit, and yell at us. Sad but true.

November 13, 2010

Terri,that's awful what your grandnada did with the piano recital.Talk about

one-upping someone,and a kid to boot.WTH? Was she your maternal grandnada? I

wonder what the friends who were there thought of it????? What she did was so

shaming,not to mention bizarrely immature.

I'm sorry you only have one memory of your nada being nice to you.And not

until you were ten! I don't have any memories of my nada being purely " nice " to

me,only for show when others were present or when she needed me to be an

audience for her/boost her ego.

She loved films made for children or with a fantasy theme,like " The Wizard

of Oz " .She always wanted us to watch them together,I think mainly because she

didn't want to watch them alone.The first time I saw " The Wizard of Oz " I was

kind of shocked at how happy everyone was when the Wicked Witch of the west or

the east or whatever it was got smashed under Dorothy's fallen house--and how

the little people broke out in merry song at her demise.I thought,ah,that's

something I never would have considered: to celebrate the end of an evil

presence...Which in itself struck me as almost verging on evil since she was

apparently *dead* after all (like: what *is* this weird movie nada is so excited

about watching?)--then Glinda the " Good Witch " showed up and nada poked me and

said, " Ooh! Ooh! That's me! That's how I am,you see,I'm like Glinda,I'm a good

witch! "

NOT!!!

I was supposed to say: Oh yes,nada,I see the similarity--of course you

don't remind me at all of the *wicked* witch whose feet are sticking out from

beneath that house...

>

> Hahahahaha

>

> Ok - the cartwheels made me laugh out loud. Yeah - totally. Same thing. She

'taught' me how to sew, by sewing the costume for school and making me watch,

but I didn't get to actually participate other than watching. My grandnada did

something even worse. I gave a piano recital at our house as a child for family

and friends, and when I was done, she got up and went to the piano to show us

all how to really play.

>

> I watch nada now 'play' with my daughter, and instead of playing *with* my

daughter, she plays with the toy itself, as if it's more important to get the

little ball through the hole than it is to watch the toddler discover this

incredible world.

>

> I have only one memory of her being nice to me, (she read a chapter of Charlie

and the Chocolate Factory to me and then we went to go buy chocolate bars at the

CVS down the street) and it sticks out in my head because I remember at the time

wondering why she was being so nice to me. I was 10.

>

> -Terri

November 13, 2010

Sigh. I've actually thought about this recently because I volunteer at my kid's

school and I'm *terrible* when it comes to being able to sit down and play with

her, and she begs me to all the time.

My mother almost never played with us. The only time she would was to play a

board game of skill that was way beyond our means that she would win every time.

(I'm talking like playing Clue or Sorry with a six year old.) When I'd get

frustrated and angry (my brother was alwyas the calm child), she'd claim that

she was simply teaching us to be good losers.

Ugh.

>

> Nope. My nada and fada were far too angry and absorbed in their own worlds to

play with us.

>

> I remember going to friends' houses and being shocked that their parents would

play games with us, and being so thrilled. My nada would sit in the kitchen for

hours on end reading novels and chain smoking. If we disturbed her for any

reason she pitched a tantrum. I suspect it was a form of escapism for nada.

>

> Fada would sometimes play chess with us or rent movies for us, but only to get

us going on something on our own, so he could then run off and drink. At least

he didn't pitch temper fits if we asked for attention.

>

> There were no rides to/from school, no interest in our daily lives, no real

interest in us at all it seemed, unless it was to vent out anger and bitterness

or to scream, hit, and yell at us. Sad but true.

>

November 13, 2010

Oh, the other thing I was going to say is that not only did Nada almost never

play with us, she NEVER came near the school, even though she was a stay at home

mom and would've had plenty of time to be a room mother or on the PTO or

something. Sometimes I wish I could say " no " more when it comes to volunteering

at school, but with all the recent budget cuts, I know they need all the help

they can get.

> >

> > Nope. My nada and fada were far too angry and absorbed in their own worlds

to play with us.

> >

> > I remember going to friends' houses and being shocked that their parents

would play games with us, and being so thrilled. My nada would sit in the

kitchen for hours on end reading novels and chain smoking. If we disturbed her

for any reason she pitched a tantrum. I suspect it was a form of escapism for

nada.

> >

> > Fada would sometimes play chess with us or rent movies for us, but only to

get us going on something on our own, so he could then run off and drink. At

least he didn't pitch temper fits if we asked for attention.

> >

> > There were no rides to/from school, no interest in our daily lives, no real

interest in us at all it seemed, unless it was to vent out anger and bitterness

or to scream, hit, and yell at us. Sad but true.

> >

>

November 13, 2010

That's so lovely that you volunteer to help out at your child's school, I'm sure

your little girl will remember things like that fondly when she grows up: she'll

remember that you cared about her enough to come to her school and be there for

her and her teachers and classmates.

The fact that you are aware that your child has feelings, you care about her

feelings, and you're wanting to be a better mother to her than the kind of

mothering you experienced means that you are already doing a better job than

your mother did.

Those with personality disorders are not distressed by their own behaviors; they

think that whatever they think and do is just fine and normal, thank you very

much, and its *everyone else* who is messed up and causing problems.

The person with pd refuses to take responsibility for her own thoughts,

feelings, words and actions, has no personal insight, can't view her own

behaviors and thoughts objectively, and those with pd often lack empathy as

well. They really do lack the capacity to care about anyone other than

themselves, everything is always and only about " me-me-me. " All of the

personality disorders in Cluster B seem to me to include a kind of malignant

self-absorption that chokes off any possibility for another's feelings or needs

to matter more than the pd individual's.

So, you don't have those traits, but *if* there are any things you want to

improve, you can. You don't have a mis-wired, malfunctioning bpd brain, so you

and your fellow nons here have the capacity to change.

I bet if you surprise your little girl one afternoon with a tea party and play

dolls with her, or ask her to help you make cookies, or teach her a game or a

song on the piano, or read a book together, in other words, just spend some

one-on-one face time interacting with her and listening to what she thinks and

feels, really hearing her, she'll remember those things the rest of her life

with great tenderness.

-Annie

> > >

> > > Nope. My nada and fada were far too angry and absorbed in their own worlds

to play with us.

> > >

> > > I remember going to friends' houses and being shocked that their parents

would play games with us, and being so thrilled. My nada would sit in the

kitchen for hours on end reading novels and chain smoking. If we disturbed her

for any reason she pitched a tantrum. I suspect it was a form of escapism for

nada.

> > >

> > > Fada would sometimes play chess with us or rent movies for us, but only to

get us going on something on our own, so he could then run off and drink. At

least he didn't pitch temper fits if we asked for attention.

> > >

> > > There were no rides to/from school, no interest in our daily lives, no

real interest in us at all it seemed, unless it was to vent out anger and

bitterness or to scream, hit, and yell at us. Sad but true.

> > >

> >

>

November 14, 2010

Annie

Same here,no playing just shopping.

Please excuse any typos or terseness, this message was sent from a mobile

device.

did your nada (or fada) ever actually play with you

when you were little?

This question came up at another support group for the adult children of bpd

parents, and I found it interesting because I'm drawing a blank RE my own

memories on the subject.

I do not have any memories of my mother ever just playing with me, such as

pushing me on a swing, or playing with blocks, or a board game, or playing dolls

with me; nothing.

I remember her being present, but, not interacting with me. All my

play-partners were kids my own age, or my dad. I'll have to ask Sister if she

remembers our mom ever just playing with her, anything at all.

Once I got to be an older child and a teen, the only thing my nada and I ever

did together as an " activity " was go shopping. That didn't bore her, she liked

shopping.

It shouldn't surprise me, I guess, but so far none of the members at the other

support group remember their mother playing with them as children, either.

-Annie

November 14, 2010

Oh boy, shopping with nada = hell she would swear at the sales people and

tell them what a bitch her little daughter was and then often throw up on

the way home. Wow.

>

> Annie

> Same here,no playing just shopping.

> Please excuse any typos or terseness, this message was sent from a mobile

> device.

>

> did your nada (or fada) ever actually play

> with you when you were little?

>

> This question came up at another support group for the adult children of

> bpd parents, and I found it interesting because I'm drawing a blank RE my

> own memories on the subject.

>

> I do not have any memories of my mother ever just playing with me, such as

> pushing me on a swing, or playing with blocks, or a board game, or playing

> dolls with me; nothing.

>

> I remember her being present, but, not interacting with me. All my

> play-partners were kids my own age, or my dad. I'll have to ask Sister if

> she remembers our mom ever just playing with her, anything at all.

>

> Once I got to be an older child and a teen, the only thing my nada and I

> ever did together as an " activity " was go shopping. That didn't bore her,

> she liked shopping.

>

> It shouldn't surprise me, I guess, but so far none of the members at the

> other support group remember their mother playing with them as children,

> either.

>

> -Annie

>

November 14, 2010

Never. We would just be " wasting her time " . We did not have toys or teddys as

they just " breed dust " and are bad for you. She tried to tech us how to paint

ceramics, or how to paint (she was an artist) but she would get frustrated with

how poorly we did it and either destroy our work or " fix " it. The times she did

try to teach us were always right after her worst rages - she was scared of us

telling people that she beat us and was crazy, so the attention was a bribe.

Often she only had the patience to do it for half an hour or so before she would

get mad and tell us that she was only doing it because we were so miserable - we

caused her to waste her time by being unhappy in other words, she really

resented that and made sure we felt bad for " forcing " her to do something she

didnt want to.

I have lots of memories of being screamed at if we disturbed her during the day.

You had to stay outside and not talk to her.

Shopping was awful, I hated it. From a very young age I remember if I was ever

going to cry in a shopping centre, she would go into a quiet rage, promsing to

beat the hell out of me as soon as people werent around. I could suppress tears

from the age of 3 I think. I only ever chose one shirt before the age of 15 -

our clothes were picked by nada, and were the frilliest, gaudy, rediculous

dresses that we hated. She used to dress us the same to brag that we were twins

- despite the fact that we looked nothing alike and I was a foot shorter than my

twin sister. It looked rediculous.

>

> This question came up at another support group for the adult children of bpd

parents, and I found it interesting because I'm drawing a blank RE my own

memories on the subject.

>

> I do not have any memories of my mother ever just playing with me, such as

pushing me on a swing, or playing with blocks, or a board game, or playing dolls

with me; nothing.

>

> I remember her being present, but, not interacting with me. All my

play-partners were kids my own age, or my dad. I'll have to ask Sister if she

remembers our mom ever just playing with her, anything at all.

>

> Once I got to be an older child and a teen, the only thing my nada and I ever

did together as an " activity " was go shopping. That didn't bore her, she liked

shopping.

>

> It shouldn't surprise me, I guess, but so far none of the members at the other

support group remember their mother playing with them as children, either.

>

> -Annie

>

November 14, 2010

So far, I don't think anyone here has posted any memories of their nada

*enjoying* playing with them when they were little in just simple, everyday

ways. Some have memories of " staged " activities (almost like a staged photo

shoot for publicity) but just little quiet activities like getting read to, or

getting pushed in a swing, or going swimming together, or playing dolls, or

dress-up, or a board game... no.

The little things that would have meant that my mother enjoyed my company and

wanted to spend time with me... just aren't there. Instead, there was an

intrusive snoopiness that was anxiety-producing.

I have to admit that on digging around in my memories I do remember her reading

to me on a few occasions, but in general being physically close to my mother

only generated feelings of anxiety. I'm noticing that I'm tensing up just

remembering and posting these things; for me, my mother = stress. My memories of

being hugged or cuddled by my nada would usually include her saying things to me

like, " your hair smells, you need a shampoo " or " I need to clean your ears out,

they're full of wax " . So, with my nada, physical contact with her was about

being examined closely and judged to be dirty, ugly or disgusting in some way,

or physical closeness was getting screamed at and hit.

Never was able and still can't ever really relax around her, its not safe to do

that, never has been.

-Annie

>

> Never. We would just be " wasting her time " . We did not have toys or teddys as