Re: Re: Long post! Sorry! What are you doing about Thanksgiving with nada?

[Guest guest]

Ditto exactly what writermanque said!

On Wed, Nov 17, 2010 at 4:05 PM, writermanque wrote:

>

>

> Oh, for Pete's sake. What a self-serving e-mail. The whole thing reeks of

> " You owe me. You're misbehaving. Look at how wretched I am, you have to care

> for me. "

>

> I just don't get how they feel like they can sh*t all over their children

> and expect them to want to hang out in return.

>

> I say let her gnaw her turkey bone in her puddle of self-pity and have

> yourself a relaxing Thanksgiving.

>

>

>

> >

> > I took a break for awhile from working on my issues with nada to focus on

> me for a bit. But as the holidays near, the problems begin mounting. I

> was hoping for some advice on how to respond to this email I received from

> nada. I will give you some background information first to help you make

> some sense of this email...

> >

> > OK, so some background: My nada is 56 and I'm 30. She has awful financial

> and health problems and often expects me to help her with both. My parents

> divorced 23 years ago. Though she remarried for about 8 years, she still is

> obsessed with my father (her first ex)and our old way of life. She has

> pictures of us all as a family and scrapbooks these pics from 25 years ago.

> Bizarre.

> >

> > I have been married for 6 years-quite happily. My husband and I just

> found out after trying for 18 months (including 1 miscarriage) that we're

> expecting twins!

> >

> > Nada's father is still alive (83) but his health isn't great and driving

> a long distance is hard for him. My very supportive and mentally well

> brother has long since learned not to be an enabler and victim and also

> conveniently lives about 18 hours away. He will not be involved in

> Thanksgiving festivities. Nada doesn't abuse him nearly as frequently as me

> because I'm physically closer.

> > Nada has no car and no money and therefore depends on caseworkers and

> aids to take her places since she refuses to use any public transportation.

> She is constantly asking to come and stay with my husband and I for a few

> days to visit and says she wants to cook for us, etc. though she has to have

> her aids cook for her because she can't stand long enough to cook dinner. I

> have told her that's not a good idea because our home is not handicapped

> accessible and it's just not a good idea. But she is relentless. Asks every

> time I talk to her.

> >

> > With Thanksgiving she is being a complete bear because my husband and I

> have decided that we have to split our holidays amonst families. Now that my

> in-laws, parents (dad and stepmom are my REAL parents) and nada all live in

> completely different cities 2-3 hours apart, we can't do 3 holidays in 1

> weekend anymore.

> >

> > I asked my nada if we could do Thanksgiving on Wednesday evening with her

> and she flipped out because she would only have a few hours with us and she

> deserves more than that. she wants to come with us for all our family

> Thanksgiving festivities with my in-laws. I told her that was impossible and

> non-negotiable. So after a raging phone call where I had to hang up on her

> because she was screaming at me, we had some email dialogue. I started it

> with a simple: " I will see you on Wednesday before Thanksgiving if that is

> OK with you to keep stress to a minimum. " I will attach her response for

> your review. I'm looking for advice on how to respond or not respond. I

> would very much like to not see her for Thanksgiving at all. In addition, I

> went through this same routine last year. Now that I'm pregnant, I need to

> keep stress to a minimum. And if that means NC, I'm ready. I realize she'll

> threaten suicide, but she plays that card every time she doesn't get her

> way. She's had about 10 attempts in her life that I know of?

> >

> > Nada's email:

> > Stressful? What do you mean? Because I'm not happy with the arrangements

> of being treated like the birth mother you're afraid will say something off

> color or dress poorly, and your embarrassed by the way she now looks because

> of her declining health, having to wear O2 all of the time? And where might

> I like to go? The house a la Wentzville to see a certain relative that I

> haven't seen since Mother's Day! I have been unable to sleep, angry,

> depressed, getting sicker because of my " family situation " (what the

> doctors, the CSW's, my friends call your priorities to spend days with your

> large families and not even try to get me included and NEVER inviting me

> into your home. I NEVER treated my mother or my grandmother that way, and

> visa versa!

> > Less stressful? Would you prefer to skip it all together? Sounds like

> your in such a hurry to get to K.C anyway that it's just about going to kill

> you to spend time with me at all. And do you know the last time we didn't

> half rush around and actually had fun together was? The Mother's Day the

> year of 2009 when we ate out and shopped at JCPenney's for (things [] and I

> had a ball in the dressing room being silly with you, Jen. But I think when

> I'm in public with you my serious osteoporosis and my hump and my walker

> embarrass you to death. And you haven't been out with me and my O2 tanks.

> God, that's going to kill you. I don't want to go out with me, what do I

> expect of my tall beautiful daughter and her very handsome family? More

> tears.

> > I don't expect you to want to be succesful in developing a strong happy

> relationship with me, because you have already put so many rules and

> regulations on what I can and cannot say, where I can and cannot go, never

> answering the phone without this, that, and the other (when I call).

> Sometimes I have to call you for material things, because either

> doesn't get the picture that I'm living in abject poverty, and cannot even

> afford the basics.

> > Each hospitalization for depression was in November, and I was 34 years

> old when I took a serious overdose to end the terrible mental pain I was

> living with. :Your Dad knew how many drugs and alcohol I had consumed that

> night. I thought my chances were pretty good that I'd be gone by morning,

> and I'd be gone. I thought he'd at least check on me to see that I was gone,

> call the coroner and get me removed. But I woke up in the morning, and you

> know the rotten rest.

> > And for the last two years, on and off, but very much this last 3 to 4

> months; I have so much regretted not having been successful that night. Dad

> had been seeing Margie for months already, and she was so pretty and tall

> and well ! What do I have? Pain, I'm short, A face disfigured by steroids,

> and with oxygen tubing, a back bent by endless vertebral fractures and two

> major surgeries to save my life from a " superinfection " in my spine.

> > Well, we know how much fun this has been also. I'm tired of getting

> sicker and feeling worse, with no rewards for sticking with the program, the

> pills, the diet, the O2, the tests, spending any sparse amount of money on

> copays or some needed medical thing. I'm tired of staying alive for a

> grandson I only see once or twice a year in person, and a son who still

> can't send me one lousy picture. I want to see my daughter who will finally

> wake up and see how much I am hurting and also grieving inside and being

> pushed aside. BTW, I have been invited to dinner on Thanksgiving day itself

> by a friend whose daughter is going to pick me up.

> > I WILL ONLY GO TO DINNER IF :

> > 1:you read this

> > 2:you call me before the weekend, before I go crazy. "

> >

> >

> > I'll add my follow-up fantasy response in a separate post since this is

> embarrassingly long. Thanks for any suggestions or support!

> >

> > Sincerely,

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Don't respond and don't go. If she thinks that you are that desperate to

spend the day with her (I will have dinner with you ONLY if...) show her

that you're not.

--

“I have a grip on reality, just not this particular one.”-- Author Unknown*

*

[Guest guest]

Speaking from experience i wouldnt risk the pregnancy for this crap. i did and

it affected the health of my child

Re: Re: Long post! Sorry! What are you doing about

Thanksgiving with nada?

Ditto exactly what writermanque said!

On Wed, Nov 17, 2010 at 4:05 PM, writermanque wrote:

>

>

> Oh, for Pete's sake. What a self-serving e-mail. The whole thing reeks of

> " You owe me. You're misbehaving. Look at how wretched I am, you have to care

> for me. "

>

> I just don't get how they feel like they can sh*t all over their children

> and expect them to want to hang out in return.

>

> I say let her gnaw her turkey bone in her puddle of self-pity and have

> yourself a relaxing Thanksgiving.

>

>

>

> >

> > I took a break for awhile from working on my issues with nada to focus on

> me for a bit. But as the holidays near, the problems begin mounting. I

> was hoping for some advice on how to respond to this email I received from

> nada. I will give you some background information first to help you make

> some sense of this email...

> >

> > OK, so some background: My nada is 56 and I'm 30. She has awful financial

> and health problems and often expects me to help her with both. My parents

> divorced 23 years ago. Though she remarried for about 8 years, she still is

> obsessed with my father (her first ex)and our old way of life. She has

> pictures of us all as a family and scrapbooks these pics from 25 years ago.

> Bizarre.

> >

> > I have been married for 6 years-quite happily. My husband and I just

> found out after trying for 18 months (including 1 miscarriage) that we're

> expecting twins!

> >

> > Nada's father is still alive (83) but his health isn't great and driving

> a long distance is hard for him. My very supportive and mentally well

> brother has long since learned not to be an enabler and victim and also

> conveniently lives about 18 hours away. He will not be involved in

> Thanksgiving festivities. Nada doesn't abuse him nearly as frequently as me

> because I'm physically closer.

> > Nada has no car and no money and therefore depends on caseworkers and

> aids to take her places since she refuses to use any public transportation.

> She is constantly asking to come and stay with my husband and I for a few

> days to visit and says she wants to cook for us, etc. though she has to have

> her aids cook for her because she can't stand long enough to cook dinner. I

> have told her that's not a good idea because our home is not handicapped

> accessible and it's just not a good idea. But she is relentless. Asks every

> time I talk to her.

> >

> > With Thanksgiving she is being a complete bear because my husband and I

> have decided that we have to split our holidays amonst families. Now that my

> in-laws, parents (dad and stepmom are my REAL parents) and nada all live in

> completely different cities 2-3 hours apart, we can't do 3 holidays in 1

> weekend anymore.

> >

> > I asked my nada if we could do Thanksgiving on Wednesday evening with her

> and she flipped out because she would only have a few hours with us and she

> deserves more than that. she wants to come with us for all our family

> Thanksgiving festivities with my in-laws. I told her that was impossible and

> non-negotiable. So after a raging phone call where I had to hang up on her

> because she was screaming at me, we had some email dialogue. I started it

> with a simple: " I will see you on Wednesday before Thanksgiving if that is

> OK with you to keep stress to a minimum. " I will attach her response for

> your review. I'm looking for advice on how to respond or not respond. I

> would very much like to not see her for Thanksgiving at all. In addition, I

> went through this same routine last year. Now that I'm pregnant, I need to

> keep stress to a minimum. And if that means NC, I'm ready. I realize she'll

> threaten suicide, but she plays that card every time she doesn't get her

> way. She's had about 10 attempts in her life that I know of?

> >

> > Nada's email:

> > Stressful? What do you mean? Because I'm not happy with the arrangements

> of being treated like the birth mother you're afraid will say something off

> color or dress poorly, and your embarrassed by the way she now looks because

> of her declining health, having to wear O2 all of the time? And where might

> I like to go? The house a la Wentzville to see a certain relative that I

> haven't seen since Mother's Day! I have been unable to sleep, angry,

> depressed, getting sicker because of my " family situation " (what the

> doctors, the CSW's, my friends call your priorities to spend days with your

> large families and not even try to get me included and NEVER inviting me

> into your home. I NEVER treated my mother or my grandmother that way, and

> visa versa!

> > Less stressful? Would you prefer to skip it all together? Sounds like

> your in such a hurry to get to K.C anyway that it's just about going to kill

> you to spend time with me at all. And do you know the last time we didn't

> half rush around and actually had fun together was? The Mother's Day the

> year of 2009 when we ate out and shopped at JCPenney's for (things [] and I

> had a ball in the dressing room being silly with you, Jen. But I think when

> I'm in public with you my serious osteoporosis and my hump and my walker

> embarrass you to death. And you haven't been out with me and my O2 tanks.

> God, that's going to kill you. I don't want to go out with me, what do I

> expect of my tall beautiful daughter and her very handsome family? More

> tears.

> > I don't expect you to want to be succesful in developing a strong happy

> relationship with me, because you have already put so many rules and

> regulations on what I can and cannot say, where I can and cannot go, never

> answering the phone without this, that, and the other (when I call).

> Sometimes I have to call you for material things, because either

> doesn't get the picture that I'm living in abject poverty, and cannot even

> afford the basics.

> > Each hospitalization for depression was in November, and I was 34 years

> old when I took a serious overdose to end the terrible mental pain I was

> living with. :Your Dad knew how many drugs and alcohol I had consumed that

> night. I thought my chances were pretty good that I'd be gone by morning,

> and I'd be gone. I thought he'd at least check on me to see that I was gone,

> call the coroner and get me removed. But I woke up in the morning, and you

> know the rotten rest.

> > And for the last two years, on and off, but very much this last 3 to 4

> months; I have so much regretted not having been successful that night. Dad

> had been seeing Margie for months already, and she was so pretty and tall

> and well ! What do I have? Pain, I'm short, A face disfigured by steroids,

> and with oxygen tubing, a back bent by endless vertebral fractures and two

> major surgeries to save my life from a " superinfection " in my spine.

> > Well, we know how much fun this has been also. I'm tired of getting

> sicker and feeling worse, with no rewards for sticking with the program, the

> pills, the diet, the O2, the tests, spending any sparse amount of money on

> copays or some needed medical thing. I'm tired of staying alive for a

> grandson I only see once or twice a year in person, and a son who still

> can't send me one lousy picture. I want to see my daughter who will finally

> wake up and see how much I am hurting and also grieving inside and being

> pushed aside. BTW, I have been invited to dinner on Thanksgiving day itself

> by a friend whose daughter is going to pick me up.

> > I WILL ONLY GO TO DINNER IF :

> > 1:you read this

> > 2:you call me before the weekend, before I go crazy. "

> >

> >

> > I'll add my follow-up fantasy response in a separate post since this is

> embarrassingly long. Thanks for any suggestions or support!

> >

> > Sincerely,

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Speaking from experience i wouldnt risk the pregnancy for this crap. i did and

it affected the health of my child

Re: Re: Long post! Sorry! What are you doing about

Thanksgiving with nada?

Ditto exactly what writermanque said!

On Wed, Nov 17, 2010 at 4:05 PM, writermanque wrote:

>

>

> Oh, for Pete's sake. What a self-serving e-mail. The whole thing reeks of

> " You owe me. You're misbehaving. Look at how wretched I am, you have to care

> for me. "

>

> I just don't get how they feel like they can sh*t all over their children

> and expect them to want to hang out in return.

>

> I say let her gnaw her turkey bone in her puddle of self-pity and have

> yourself a relaxing Thanksgiving.

>

>

>

> >

> > I took a break for awhile from working on my issues with nada to focus on

> me for a bit. But as the holidays near, the problems begin mounting. I

> was hoping for some advice on how to respond to this email I received from

> nada. I will give you some background information first to help you make

> some sense of this email...

> >

> > OK, so some background: My nada is 56 and I'm 30. She has awful financial

> and health problems and often expects me to help her with both. My parents

> divorced 23 years ago. Though she remarried for about 8 years, she still is

> obsessed with my father (her first ex)and our old way of life. She has

> pictures of us all as a family and scrapbooks these pics from 25 years ago.

> Bizarre.

> >

> > I have been married for 6 years-quite happily. My husband and I just

> found out after trying for 18 months (including 1 miscarriage) that we're

> expecting twins!

> >

> > Nada's father is still alive (83) but his health isn't great and driving

> a long distance is hard for him. My very supportive and mentally well

> brother has long since learned not to be an enabler and victim and also

> conveniently lives about 18 hours away. He will not be involved in

> Thanksgiving festivities. Nada doesn't abuse him nearly as frequently as me

> because I'm physically closer.

> > Nada has no car and no money and therefore depends on caseworkers and

> aids to take her places since she refuses to use any public transportation.

> She is constantly asking to come and stay with my husband and I for a few

> days to visit and says she wants to cook for us, etc. though she has to have

> her aids cook for her because she can't stand long enough to cook dinner. I

> have told her that's not a good idea because our home is not handicapped

> accessible and it's just not a good idea. But she is relentless. Asks every

> time I talk to her.

> >

> > With Thanksgiving she is being a complete bear because my husband and I

> have decided that we have to split our holidays amonst families. Now that my

> in-laws, parents (dad and stepmom are my REAL parents) and nada all live in

> completely different cities 2-3 hours apart, we can't do 3 holidays in 1

> weekend anymore.

> >

> > I asked my nada if we could do Thanksgiving on Wednesday evening with her

> and she flipped out because she would only have a few hours with us and she

> deserves more than that. she wants to come with us for all our family

> Thanksgiving festivities with my in-laws. I told her that was impossible and

> non-negotiable. So after a raging phone call where I had to hang up on her

> because she was screaming at me, we had some email dialogue. I started it

> with a simple: " I will see you on Wednesday before Thanksgiving if that is

> OK with you to keep stress to a minimum. " I will attach her response for

> your review. I'm looking for advice on how to respond or not respond. I

> would very much like to not see her for Thanksgiving at all. In addition, I

> went through this same routine last year. Now that I'm pregnant, I need to

> keep stress to a minimum. And if that means NC, I'm ready. I realize she'll

> threaten suicide, but she plays that card every time she doesn't get her

> way. She's had about 10 attempts in her life that I know of?

> >

> > Nada's email:

> > Stressful? What do you mean? Because I'm not happy with the arrangements

> of being treated like the birth mother you're afraid will say something off

> color or dress poorly, and your embarrassed by the way she now looks because

> of her declining health, having to wear O2 all of the time? And where might

> I like to go? The house a la Wentzville to see a certain relative that I

> haven't seen since Mother's Day! I have been unable to sleep, angry,

> depressed, getting sicker because of my " family situation " (what the

> doctors, the CSW's, my friends call your priorities to spend days with your

> large families and not even try to get me included and NEVER inviting me

> into your home. I NEVER treated my mother or my grandmother that way, and

> visa versa!

> > Less stressful? Would you prefer to skip it all together? Sounds like

> your in such a hurry to get to K.C anyway that it's just about going to kill

> you to spend time with me at all. And do you know the last time we didn't

> half rush around and actually had fun together was? The Mother's Day the

> year of 2009 when we ate out and shopped at JCPenney's for (things [] and I

> had a ball in the dressing room being silly with you, Jen. But I think when

> I'm in public with you my serious osteoporosis and my hump and my walker

> embarrass you to death. And you haven't been out with me and my O2 tanks.

> God, that's going to kill you. I don't want to go out with me, what do I

> expect of my tall beautiful daughter and her very handsome family? More

> tears.

> > I don't expect you to want to be succesful in developing a strong happy

> relationship with me, because you have already put so many rules and

> regulations on what I can and cannot say, where I can and cannot go, never

> answering the phone without this, that, and the other (when I call).

> Sometimes I have to call you for material things, because either

> doesn't get the picture that I'm living in abject poverty, and cannot even

> afford the basics.

> > Each hospitalization for depression was in November, and I was 34 years

> old when I took a serious overdose to end the terrible mental pain I was

> living with. :Your Dad knew how many drugs and alcohol I had consumed that

> night. I thought my chances were pretty good that I'd be gone by morning,

> and I'd be gone. I thought he'd at least check on me to see that I was gone,

> call the coroner and get me removed. But I woke up in the morning, and you

> know the rotten rest.

> > And for the last two years, on and off, but very much this last 3 to 4

> months; I have so much regretted not having been successful that night. Dad

> had been seeing Margie for months already, and she was so pretty and tall

> and well ! What do I have? Pain, I'm short, A face disfigured by steroids,

> and with oxygen tubing, a back bent by endless vertebral fractures and two

> major surgeries to save my life from a " superinfection " in my spine.

> > Well, we know how much fun this has been also. I'm tired of getting

> sicker and feeling worse, with no rewards for sticking with the program, the

> pills, the diet, the O2, the tests, spending any sparse amount of money on

> copays or some needed medical thing. I'm tired of staying alive for a

> grandson I only see once or twice a year in person, and a son who still

> can't send me one lousy picture. I want to see my daughter who will finally

> wake up and see how much I am hurting and also grieving inside and being

> pushed aside. BTW, I have been invited to dinner on Thanksgiving day itself

> by a friend whose daughter is going to pick me up.

> > I WILL ONLY GO TO DINNER IF :

> > 1:you read this

> > 2:you call me before the weekend, before I go crazy. "

> >

> >

> > I'll add my follow-up fantasy response in a separate post since this is

> embarrassingly long. Thanks for any suggestions or support!

> >

> > Sincerely,

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I avoid all the holidays, while wanting also to celebrate them.

Every holiday has been laden with poison.

I was banned from my family's holiday tables as long as I was with an undesired

boyfriend in her eyes (I loved him and he was a great person).

So, I find it twisting to now be at the same table where I wasn't wanted before.

Re: Long post! Sorry! What are you doing about

Thanksgiving with nada?

I know! Yuck! Anyone else hate Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Mother's day like

I do???

> >

> > I took a break for awhile from working on my issues with nada to focus on me

for a bit. But as the holidays near, the problems begin mounting. I was

hoping for some advice on how to respond to this email I received from nada. I

will give you some background information first to help you make some sense of

this email...

> >

> > OK, so some background: My nada is 56 and I'm 30. She has awful financial

and health problems and often expects me to help her with both. My parents

divorced 23 years ago. Though she remarried for about 8 years, she still is

obsessed with my father (her first ex)and our old way of life. She has pictures

of us all as a family and scrapbooks these pics from 25 years ago. Bizarre.

> >

> > I have been married for 6 years-quite happily. My husband and I just found

out after trying for 18 months (including 1 miscarriage) that we're expecting

twins!

> >

> > Nada's father is still alive (83) but his health isn't great and driving a

long distance is hard for him. My very supportive and mentally well brother has

long since learned not to be an enabler and victim and also conveniently lives

about 18 hours away. He will not be involved in Thanksgiving festivities. Nada

doesn't abuse him nearly as frequently as me because I'm physically closer.

> > Nada has no car and no money and therefore depends on caseworkers and aids

to take her places since she refuses to use any public transportation. She is

constantly asking to come and stay with my husband and I for a few days to visit

and says she wants to cook for us, etc. though she has to have her aids cook for

her because she can't stand long enough to cook dinner. I have told her that's

not a good idea because our home is not handicapped accessible and it's just not

a good idea. But she is relentless. Asks every time I talk to her.

> >

> > With Thanksgiving she is being a complete bear because my husband and I have

decided that we have to split our holidays amonst families. Now that my

in-laws, parents (dad and stepmom are my REAL parents) and nada all live in

completely different cities 2-3 hours apart, we can't do 3 holidays in 1 weekend

anymore.

> >

> > I asked my nada if we could do Thanksgiving on Wednesday evening with her

and she flipped out because she would only have a few hours with us and she

deserves more than that. she wants to come with us for all our family

Thanksgiving festivities with my in-laws. I told her that was impossible and

non-negotiable. So after a raging phone call where I had to hang up on her

because she was screaming at me, we had some email dialogue. I started it with

a simple: " I will see you on Wednesday before Thanksgiving if that is OK with

you to keep stress to a minimum. " I will attach her response for your review.

I'm looking for advice on how to respond or not respond. I would very much like

to not see her for Thanksgiving at all. In addition, I went through this same

routine last year. Now that I'm pregnant, I need to keep stress to a minimum.

And if that means NC, I'm ready. I realize she'll threaten suicide, but she

plays that card every time she doesn't get her way. She's had about 10

attempts in her life that I know of?

> >

> > Nada's email:

> > Stressful? What do you mean? Because I'm not happy with the arrangements of

being treated like the birth mother you're afraid will say something off color

or dress poorly, and your embarrassed by the way she now looks because of her

declining health, having to wear O2 all of the time? And where might I like to

go? The house a la Wentzville to see a certain relative that I haven't seen

since Mother's Day! I have been unable to sleep, angry, depressed, getting

sicker because of my " family situation " (what the doctors, the CSW's, my friends

call your priorities to spend days with your large families and not even try to

get me included and NEVER inviting me into your home. I NEVER treated my mother

or my grandmother that way, and visa versa!

> > Less stressful? Would you prefer to skip it all together? Sounds like your

in such a hurry to get to K.C anyway that it's just about going to kill you to

spend time with me at all. And do you know the last time we didn't half rush

around and actually had fun together was? The Mother's Day the year of 2009 when

we ate out and shopped at JCPenney's for (things [] and I had a ball in the

dressing room being silly with you, Jen. But I think when I'm in public with

you my serious osteoporosis and my hump and my walker embarrass you to death.

And you haven't been out with me and my O2 tanks. God, that's going to kill you.

I don't want to go out with me, what do I expect of my tall beautiful daughter

and her very handsome family? More tears.

> > I don't expect you to want to be succesful in developing a strong happy

relationship with me, because you have already put so many rules and regulations

on what I can and cannot say, where I can and cannot go, never answering the

phone without this, that, and the other (when I call). Sometimes I have to call

you for material things, because either doesn't get the picture that I'm

living in abject poverty, and cannot even afford the basics.

> > Each hospitalization for depression was in November, and I was 34 years old

when I took a serious overdose to end the terrible mental pain I was living

with. :Your Dad knew how many drugs and alcohol I had consumed that night. I

thought my chances were pretty good that I'd be gone by morning, and I'd be

gone. I thought he'd at least check on me to see that I was gone, call the

coroner and get me removed. But I woke up in the morning, and you know the

rotten rest.

> > And for the last two years, on and off, but very much this last 3 to 4

months; I have so much regretted not having been successful that night. Dad had

been seeing Margie for months already, and she was so pretty and tall and well !

What do I have? Pain, I'm short, A face disfigured by steroids, and with oxygen

tubing, a back bent by endless vertebral fractures and two major surgeries to

save my life from a " superinfection " in my spine.

> > Well, we know how much fun this has been also. I'm tired of getting sicker

and feeling worse, with no rewards for sticking with the program, the pills, the

diet, the O2, the tests, spending any sparse amount of money on copays or some

needed medical thing. I'm tired of staying alive for a grandson I only see once

or twice a year in person, and a son who still can't send me one lousy picture.

I want to see my daughter who will finally wake up and see how much I am

hurting and also grieving inside and being pushed aside. BTW, I have been

invited to dinner on Thanksgiving day itself by a friend whose daughter is going

to pick me up.

> > I WILL ONLY GO TO DINNER IF :

> > 1:you read this

> > 2:you call me before the weekend, before I go crazy. "

> >

> >

> > I'll add my follow-up fantasy response in a separate post since this is

embarrassingly long. Thanks for any suggestions or support!

> >

> > Sincerely,

> >

> >

>

=

[Guest guest]

IMO, I think it won't really help, and probably would hurt even more. It's

so tempting to say something, but they always tend to twist it and turn it

back on us, sadly.

Holly

>

>

> So since the second email contained suicide thoughts, I'm trying to figure

> out what to do. My husband suggested that I say this:

>

> " I have never dismissed or diminished your illness. I recognize that things

> are not easy for you and I do what I can to help you. You cannot treat me

> like I am an inexhaustible supply of emotional support. I can only give a

> finite amount of myself to each piece and person of my life. When you become

> angry at me because I can't give you what you feel is due it undermines my

> willingness to help and exhausts me physically and emotionally. "

>

> Is this a good idea to say or might it only reward her behavior or possibly

> make things worse? Talk about walking on eggshells...

>

> Thanks,

>

>

>

> > >

> > > I took a break for awhile from working on my issues with nada to focus

> on me for a bit. But as the holidays near, the problems begin mounting. I

> was hoping for some advice on how to respond to this email I received from

> nada. I will give you some background information first to help you make

> some sense of this email...

> > >

> > > OK, so some background: My nada is 56 and I'm 30. She has awful

> financial and health problems and often expects me to help her with both. My

> parents divorced 23 years ago. Though she remarried for about 8 years, she

> still is obsessed with my father (her first ex)and our old way of life. She

> has pictures of us all as a family and scrapbooks these pics from 25 years

> ago. Bizarre.

> > >

> > > I have been married for 6 years-quite happily. My husband and I just

> found out after trying for 18 months (including 1 miscarriage) that we're

> expecting twins!

> > >

> > > Nada's father is still alive (83) but his health isn't great and

> driving a long distance is hard for him. My very supportive and mentally

> well brother has long since learned not to be an enabler and victim and also

> conveniently lives about 18 hours away. He will not be involved in

> Thanksgiving festivities. Nada doesn't abuse him nearly as frequently as me

> because I'm physically closer.

> > > Nada has no car and no money and therefore depends on caseworkers and

> aids to take her places since she refuses to use any public transportation.

> She is constantly asking to come and stay with my husband and I for a few

> days to visit and says she wants to cook for us, etc. though she has to have

> her aids cook for her because she can't stand long enough to cook dinner. I

> have told her that's not a good idea because our home is not handicapped

> accessible and it's just not a good idea. But she is relentless. Asks every

> time I talk to her.

> > >

> > > With Thanksgiving she is being a complete bear because my husband and I

> have decided that we have to split our holidays amonst families. Now that my

> in-laws, parents (dad and stepmom are my REAL parents) and nada all live in

> completely different cities 2-3 hours apart, we can't do 3 holidays in 1

> weekend anymore.

> > >

> > > I asked my nada if we could do Thanksgiving on Wednesday evening with

> her and she flipped out because she would only have a few hours with us and

> she deserves more than that. she wants to come with us for all our family

> Thanksgiving festivities with my in-laws. I told her that was impossible and

> non-negotiable. So after a raging phone call where I had to hang up on her

> because she was screaming at me, we had some email dialogue. I started it

> with a simple: " I will see you on Wednesday before Thanksgiving if that is

> OK with you to keep stress to a minimum. " I will attach her response for

> your review. I'm looking for advice on how to respond or not respond. I

> would very much like to not see her for Thanksgiving at all. In addition, I

> went through this same routine last year. Now that I'm pregnant, I need to

> keep stress to a minimum. And if that means NC, I'm ready. I realize she'll

> threaten suicide, but she plays that card every time she doesn't get her

> way. She's had about 10 attempts in her life that I know of?

> > >

> > > Nada's email:

> > > Stressful? What do you mean? Because I'm not happy with the

> arrangements of being treated like the birth mother you're afraid will say

> something off color or dress poorly, and your embarrassed by the way she now

> looks because of her declining health, having to wear O2 all of the time?

> And where might I like to go? The house a la Wentzville to see a certain

> relative that I haven't seen since Mother's Day! I have been unable to

> sleep, angry, depressed, getting sicker because of my " family situation "

> (what the doctors, the CSW's, my friends call your priorities to spend days

> with your large families and not even try to get me included and NEVER

> inviting me into your home. I NEVER treated my mother or my grandmother that

> way, and visa versa!

> > > Less stressful? Would you prefer to skip it all together? Sounds like

> your in such a hurry to get to K.C anyway that it's just about going to kill

> you to spend time with me at all. And do you know the last time we didn't

> half rush around and actually had fun together was? The Mother's Day the

> year of 2009 when we ate out and shopped at JCPenney's for (things [] and I

> had a ball in the dressing room being silly with you, Jen. But I think when

> I'm in public with you my serious osteoporosis and my hump and my walker

> embarrass you to death. And you haven't been out with me and my O2 tanks.

> God, that's going to kill you. I don't want to go out with me, what do I

> expect of my tall beautiful daughter and her very handsome family? More

> tears.

> > > I don't expect you to want to be succesful in developing a strong happy

> relationship with me, because you have already put so many rules and

> regulations on what I can and cannot say, where I can and cannot go, never

> answering the phone without this, that, and the other (when I call).

> Sometimes I have to call you for material things, because either

> doesn't get the picture that I'm living in abject poverty, and cannot even

> afford the basics.

> > > Each hospitalization for depression was in November, and I was 34 years

> old when I took a serious overdose to end the terrible mental pain I was

> living with. :Your Dad knew how many drugs and alcohol I had consumed that

> night. I thought my chances were pretty good that I'd be gone by morning,

> and I'd be gone. I thought he'd at least check on me to see that I was gone,

> call the coroner and get me removed. But I woke up in the morning, and you

> know the rotten rest.

> > > And for the last two years, on and off, but very much this last 3 to 4

> months; I have so much regretted not having been successful that night. Dad

> had been seeing Margie for months already, and she was so pretty and tall

> and well ! What do I have? Pain, I'm short, A face disfigured by steroids,

> and with oxygen tubing, a back bent by endless vertebral fractures and two

> major surgeries to save my life from a " superinfection " in my spine.

> > > Well, we know how much fun this has been also. I'm tired of getting

> sicker and feeling worse, with no rewards for sticking with the program, the

> pills, the diet, the O2, the tests, spending any sparse amount of money on

> copays or some needed medical thing. I'm tired of staying alive for a

> grandson I only see once or twice a year in person, and a son who still

> can't send me one lousy picture. I want to see my daughter who will finally

> wake up and see how much I am hurting and also grieving inside and being

> pushed aside. BTW, I have been invited to dinner on Thanksgiving day itself

> by a friend whose daughter is going to pick me up.

> > > I WILL ONLY GO TO DINNER IF :

> > > 1:you read this

> > > 2:you call me before the weekend, before I go crazy. "

> > >

> > >

> > > I'll add my follow-up fantasy response in a separate post since this is

> embarrassingly long. Thanks for any suggestions or support!

> > >

> > > Sincerely,

> > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

IMO, I think it won't really help, and probably would hurt even more. It's

so tempting to say something, but they always tend to twist it and turn it

back on us, sadly.

Holly

>

>

> So since the second email contained suicide thoughts, I'm trying to figure

> out what to do. My husband suggested that I say this:

>

> " I have never dismissed or diminished your illness. I recognize that things

> are not easy for you and I do what I can to help you. You cannot treat me

> like I am an inexhaustible supply of emotional support. I can only give a

> finite amount of myself to each piece and person of my life. When you become

> angry at me because I can't give you what you feel is due it undermines my

> willingness to help and exhausts me physically and emotionally. "

>

> Is this a good idea to say or might it only reward her behavior or possibly

> make things worse? Talk about walking on eggshells...

>

> Thanks,

>

>

>

> > >

> > > I took a break for awhile from working on my issues with nada to focus

> on me for a bit. But as the holidays near, the problems begin mounting. I

> was hoping for some advice on how to respond to this email I received from

> nada. I will give you some background information first to help you make

> some sense of this email...

> > >

> > > OK, so some background: My nada is 56 and I'm 30. She has awful

> financial and health problems and often expects me to help her with both. My

> parents divorced 23 years ago. Though she remarried for about 8 years, she

> still is obsessed with my father (her first ex)and our old way of life. She

> has pictures of us all as a family and scrapbooks these pics from 25 years

> ago. Bizarre.

> > >

> > > I have been married for 6 years-quite happily. My husband and I just

> found out after trying for 18 months (including 1 miscarriage) that we're

> expecting twins!

> > >

> > > Nada's father is still alive (83) but his health isn't great and

> driving a long distance is hard for him. My very supportive and mentally

> well brother has long since learned not to be an enabler and victim and also

> conveniently lives about 18 hours away. He will not be involved in

> Thanksgiving festivities. Nada doesn't abuse him nearly as frequently as me

> because I'm physically closer.

> > > Nada has no car and no money and therefore depends on caseworkers and

> aids to take her places since she refuses to use any public transportation.

> She is constantly asking to come and stay with my husband and I for a few

> days to visit and says she wants to cook for us, etc. though she has to have

> her aids cook for her because she can't stand long enough to cook dinner. I

> have told her that's not a good idea because our home is not handicapped

> accessible and it's just not a good idea. But she is relentless. Asks every

> time I talk to her.

> > >

> > > With Thanksgiving she is being a complete bear because my husband and I

> have decided that we have to split our holidays amonst families. Now that my

> in-laws, parents (dad and stepmom are my REAL parents) and nada all live in

> completely different cities 2-3 hours apart, we can't do 3 holidays in 1

> weekend anymore.

> > >

> > > I asked my nada if we could do Thanksgiving on Wednesday evening with

> her and she flipped out because she would only have a few hours with us and

> she deserves more than that. she wants to come with us for all our family

> Thanksgiving festivities with my in-laws. I told her that was impossible and

> non-negotiable. So after a raging phone call where I had to hang up on her

> because she was screaming at me, we had some email dialogue. I started it

> with a simple: " I will see you on Wednesday before Thanksgiving if that is

> OK with you to keep stress to a minimum. " I will attach her response for

> your review. I'm looking for advice on how to respond or not respond. I

> would very much like to not see her for Thanksgiving at all. In addition, I

> went through this same routine last year. Now that I'm pregnant, I need to

> keep stress to a minimum. And if that means NC, I'm ready. I realize she'll

> threaten suicide, but she plays that card every time she doesn't get her

> way. She's had about 10 attempts in her life that I know of?

> > >

> > > Nada's email:

> > > Stressful? What do you mean? Because I'm not happy with the

> arrangements of being treated like the birth mother you're afraid will say

> something off color or dress poorly, and your embarrassed by the way she now

> looks because of her declining health, having to wear O2 all of the time?

> And where might I like to go? The house a la Wentzville to see a certain

> relative that I haven't seen since Mother's Day! I have been unable to

> sleep, angry, depressed, getting sicker because of my " family situation "

> (what the doctors, the CSW's, my friends call your priorities to spend days

> with your large families and not even try to get me included and NEVER

> inviting me into your home. I NEVER treated my mother or my grandmother that

> way, and visa versa!

> > > Less stressful? Would you prefer to skip it all together? Sounds like

> your in such a hurry to get to K.C anyway that it's just about going to kill

> you to spend time with me at all. And do you know the last time we didn't

> half rush around and actually had fun together was? The Mother's Day the

> year of 2009 when we ate out and shopped at JCPenney's for (things [] and I

> had a ball in the dressing room being silly with you, Jen. But I think when

> I'm in public with you my serious osteoporosis and my hump and my walker

> embarrass you to death. And you haven't been out with me and my O2 tanks.

> God, that's going to kill you. I don't want to go out with me, what do I

> expect of my tall beautiful daughter and her very handsome family? More

> tears.

> > > I don't expect you to want to be succesful in developing a strong happy

> relationship with me, because you have already put so many rules and

> regulations on what I can and cannot say, where I can and cannot go, never

> answering the phone without this, that, and the other (when I call).

> Sometimes I have to call you for material things, because either

> doesn't get the picture that I'm living in abject poverty, and cannot even

> afford the basics.

> > > Each hospitalization for depression was in November, and I was 34 years

> old when I took a serious overdose to end the terrible mental pain I was

> living with. :Your Dad knew how many drugs and alcohol I had consumed that

> night. I thought my chances were pretty good that I'd be gone by morning,

> and I'd be gone. I thought he'd at least check on me to see that I was gone,

> call the coroner and get me removed. But I woke up in the morning, and you

> know the rotten rest.

> > > And for the last two years, on and off, but very much this last 3 to 4

> months; I have so much regretted not having been successful that night. Dad

> had been seeing Margie for months already, and she was so pretty and tall

> and well ! What do I have? Pain, I'm short, A face disfigured by steroids,

> and with oxygen tubing, a back bent by endless vertebral fractures and two

> major surgeries to save my life from a " superinfection " in my spine.

> > > Well, we know how much fun this has been also. I'm tired of getting

> sicker and feeling worse, with no rewards for sticking with the program, the

> pills, the diet, the O2, the tests, spending any sparse amount of money on

> copays or some needed medical thing. I'm tired of staying alive for a

> grandson I only see once or twice a year in person, and a son who still

> can't send me one lousy picture. I want to see my daughter who will finally

> wake up and see how much I am hurting and also grieving inside and being

> pushed aside. BTW, I have been invited to dinner on Thanksgiving day itself

> by a friend whose daughter is going to pick me up.

> > > I WILL ONLY GO TO DINNER IF :

> > > 1:you read this

> > > 2:you call me before the weekend, before I go crazy. "

> > >

> > >

> > > I'll add my follow-up fantasy response in a separate post since this is

> embarrassingly long. Thanks for any suggestions or support!

> > >

> > > Sincerely,

> > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

IMO, I think it won't really help, and probably would hurt even more. It's

so tempting to say something, but they always tend to twist it and turn it

back on us, sadly.

Holly

>

>

> So since the second email contained suicide thoughts, I'm trying to figure

> out what to do. My husband suggested that I say this:

>

> " I have never dismissed or diminished your illness. I recognize that things

> are not easy for you and I do what I can to help you. You cannot treat me

> like I am an inexhaustible supply of emotional support. I can only give a

> finite amount of myself to each piece and person of my life. When you become

> angry at me because I can't give you what you feel is due it undermines my

> willingness to help and exhausts me physically and emotionally. "

>

> Is this a good idea to say or might it only reward her behavior or possibly

> make things worse? Talk about walking on eggshells...

>

> Thanks,

>

>

>

> > >

> > > I took a break for awhile from working on my issues with nada to focus

> on me for a bit. But as the holidays near, the problems begin mounting. I

> was hoping for some advice on how to respond to this email I received from

> nada. I will give you some background information first to help you make

> some sense of this email...

> > >

> > > OK, so some background: My nada is 56 and I'm 30. She has awful

> financial and health problems and often expects me to help her with both. My

> parents divorced 23 years ago. Though she remarried for about 8 years, she

> still is obsessed with my father (her first ex)and our old way of life. She

> has pictures of us all as a family and scrapbooks these pics from 25 years

> ago. Bizarre.

> > >

> > > I have been married for 6 years-quite happily. My husband and I just

> found out after trying for 18 months (including 1 miscarriage) that we're

> expecting twins!

> > >

> > > Nada's father is still alive (83) but his health isn't great and

> driving a long distance is hard for him. My very supportive and mentally

> well brother has long since learned not to be an enabler and victim and also

> conveniently lives about 18 hours away. He will not be involved in

> Thanksgiving festivities. Nada doesn't abuse him nearly as frequently as me

> because I'm physically closer.

> > > Nada has no car and no money and therefore depends on caseworkers and

> aids to take her places since she refuses to use any public transportation.

> She is constantly asking to come and stay with my husband and I for a few

> days to visit and says she wants to cook for us, etc. though she has to have

> her aids cook for her because she can't stand long enough to cook dinner. I

> have told her that's not a good idea because our home is not handicapped

> accessible and it's just not a good idea. But she is relentless. Asks every

> time I talk to her.

> > >

> > > With Thanksgiving she is being a complete bear because my husband and I

> have decided that we have to split our holidays amonst families. Now that my

> in-laws, parents (dad and stepmom are my REAL parents) and nada all live in

> completely different cities 2-3 hours apart, we can't do 3 holidays in 1

> weekend anymore.

> > >

> > > I asked my nada if we could do Thanksgiving on Wednesday evening with

> her and she flipped out because she would only have a few hours with us and

> she deserves more than that. she wants to come with us for all our family

> Thanksgiving festivities with my in-laws. I told her that was impossible and

> non-negotiable. So after a raging phone call where I had to hang up on her

> because she was screaming at me, we had some email dialogue. I started it

> with a simple: " I will see you on Wednesday before Thanksgiving if that is

> OK with you to keep stress to a minimum. " I will attach her response for

> your review. I'm looking for advice on how to respond or not respond. I

> would very much like to not see her for Thanksgiving at all. In addition, I

> went through this same routine last year. Now that I'm pregnant, I need to

> keep stress to a minimum. And if that means NC, I'm ready. I realize she'll

> threaten suicide, but she plays that card every time she doesn't get her

> way. She's had about 10 attempts in her life that I know of?

> > >

> > > Nada's email:

> > > Stressful? What do you mean? Because I'm not happy with the

> arrangements of being treated like the birth mother you're afraid will say

> something off color or dress poorly, and your embarrassed by the way she now

> looks because of her declining health, having to wear O2 all of the time?

> And where might I like to go? The house a la Wentzville to see a certain

> relative that I haven't seen since Mother's Day! I have been unable to

> sleep, angry, depressed, getting sicker because of my " family situation "

> (what the doctors, the CSW's, my friends call your priorities to spend days

> with your large families and not even try to get me included and NEVER

> inviting me into your home. I NEVER treated my mother or my grandmother that

> way, and visa versa!

> > > Less stressful? Would you prefer to skip it all together? Sounds like

> your in such a hurry to get to K.C anyway that it's just about going to kill

> you to spend time with me at all. And do you know the last time we didn't

> half rush around and actually had fun together was? The Mother's Day the

> year of 2009 when we ate out and shopped at JCPenney's for (things [] and I

> had a ball in the dressing room being silly with you, Jen. But I think when

> I'm in public with you my serious osteoporosis and my hump and my walker

> embarrass you to death. And you haven't been out with me and my O2 tanks.

> God, that's going to kill you. I don't want to go out with me, what do I

> expect of my tall beautiful daughter and her very handsome family? More

> tears.

> > > I don't expect you to want to be succesful in developing a strong happy

> relationship with me, because you have already put so many rules and

> regulations on what I can and cannot say, where I can and cannot go, never

> answering the phone without this, that, and the other (when I call).

> Sometimes I have to call you for material things, because either

> doesn't get the picture that I'm living in abject poverty, and cannot even

> afford the basics.

> > > Each hospitalization for depression was in November, and I was 34 years

> old when I took a serious overdose to end the terrible mental pain I was

> living with. :Your Dad knew how many drugs and alcohol I had consumed that

> night. I thought my chances were pretty good that I'd be gone by morning,

> and I'd be gone. I thought he'd at least check on me to see that I was gone,

> call the coroner and get me removed. But I woke up in the morning, and you

> know the rotten rest.

> > > And for the last two years, on and off, but very much this last 3 to 4

> months; I have so much regretted not having been successful that night. Dad

> had been seeing Margie for months already, and she was so pretty and tall

> and well ! What do I have? Pain, I'm short, A face disfigured by steroids,

> and with oxygen tubing, a back bent by endless vertebral fractures and two

> major surgeries to save my life from a " superinfection " in my spine.

> > > Well, we know how much fun this has been also. I'm tired of getting

> sicker and feeling worse, with no rewards for sticking with the program, the

> pills, the diet, the O2, the tests, spending any sparse amount of money on

> copays or some needed medical thing. I'm tired of staying alive for a

> grandson I only see once or twice a year in person, and a son who still

> can't send me one lousy picture. I want to see my daughter who will finally

> wake up and see how much I am hurting and also grieving inside and being

> pushed aside. BTW, I have been invited to dinner on Thanksgiving day itself

> by a friend whose daughter is going to pick me up.

> > > I WILL ONLY GO TO DINNER IF :

> > > 1:you read this

> > > 2:you call me before the weekend, before I go crazy. "

> > >

> > >

> > > I'll add my follow-up fantasy response in a separate post since this is

> embarrassingly long. Thanks for any suggestions or support!

> > >

> > > Sincerely,

> > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Dude - whoooooa

I would NOT RESPOND TO THAT

I'd just move on and go NC, probably at least until after christmas. You

alerted her case worker, and you are not responsible for keeping her alive.

I see it as pure manipulation

>

>

> Excellent Annie, that's great. I can say that so she understands that I

> care but am not going to give in on my boundaries. She will hate it but it's

> better than what I came up with.

>

> Thanks! I will proceed with being a broken record soon. Maybe I'll send the

> revised, Annified email tomorrow.

>

> Great advice!

>

>

>

>

> > > > >

> > > > > I took a break for awhile from working on my issues with nada to

> focus on me for a bit. But as the holidays near, the problems begin

> mounting. I was hoping for some advice on how to respond to this email I

> received from nada. I will give you some background information first to

> help you make some sense of this email...

> > > > >

> > > > > OK, so some background: My nada is 56 and I'm 30. She has awful

> financial and health problems and often expects me to help her with both. My

> parents divorced 23 years ago. Though she remarried for about 8 years, she

> still is obsessed with my father (her first ex)and our old way of life. She

> has pictures of us all as a family and scrapbooks these pics from 25 years

> ago. Bizarre.

> > > > >

> > > > > I have been married for 6 years-quite happily. My husband and I

> just found out after trying for 18 months (including 1 miscarriage) that

> we're expecting twins!

> > > > >

> > > > > Nada's father is still alive (83) but his health isn't great and

> driving a long distance is hard for him. My very supportive and mentally

> well brother has long since learned not to be an enabler and victim and also

> conveniently lives about 18 hours away. He will not be involved in

> Thanksgiving festivities. Nada doesn't abuse him nearly as frequently as me

> because I'm physically closer.

> > > > > Nada has no car and no money and therefore depends on caseworkers

> and aids to take her places since she refuses to use any public

> transportation. She is constantly asking to come and stay with my husband

> and I for a few days to visit and says she wants to cook for us, etc. though

> she has to have her aids cook for her because she can't stand long enough to

> cook dinner. I have told her that's not a good idea because our home is not

> handicapped accessible and it's just not a good idea. But she is relentless.

> Asks every time I talk to her.

> > > > >

> > > > > With Thanksgiving she is being a complete bear because my husband

> and I have decided that we have to split our holidays amonst families. Now

> that my in-laws, parents (dad and stepmom are my REAL parents) and nada all

> live in completely different cities 2-3 hours apart, we can't do 3 holidays

> in 1 weekend anymore.

> > > > >

> > > > > I asked my nada if we could do Thanksgiving on Wednesday evening

> with her and she flipped out because she would only have a few hours with us

> and she deserves more than that. she wants to come with us for all our

> family Thanksgiving festivities with my in-laws. I told her that was

> impossible and non-negotiable. So after a raging phone call where I had to

> hang up on her because she was screaming at me, we had some email dialogue.

> I started it with a simple: " I will see you on Wednesday before Thanksgiving

> if that is OK with you to keep stress to a minimum. " I will attach her

> response for your review. I'm looking for advice on how to respond or not

> respond. I would very much like to not see her for Thanksgiving at all. In

> addition, I went through this same routine last year. Now that I'm pregnant,

> I need to keep stress to a minimum. And if that means NC, I'm ready. I

> realize she'll threaten suicide, but she plays that card every time she

> doesn't get her way. She's had about 10 attempts in her life that I know of?

>

> > > > >

> > > > > Nada's email:

> > > > > Stressful? What do you mean? Because I'm not happy with the

> arrangements of being treated like the birth mother you're afraid will say

> something off color or dress poorly, and your embarrassed by the way she now

> looks because of her declining health, having to wear O2 all of the time?

> And where might I like to go? The house a la Wentzville to see a certain

> relative that I haven't seen since Mother's Day! I have been unable to

> sleep, angry, depressed, getting sicker because of my " family situation "

> (what the doctors, the CSW's, my friends call your priorities to spend days

> with your large families and not even try to get me included and NEVER

> inviting me into your home. I NEVER treated my mother or my grandmother that

> way, and visa versa!

> > > > > Less stressful? Would you prefer to skip it all together? Sounds

> like your in such a hurry to get to K.C anyway that it's just about going to

> kill you to spend time with me at all. And do you know the last time we

> didn't half rush around and actually had fun together was? The Mother's Day

> the year of 2009 when we ate out and shopped at JCPenney's for (things []

> and I had a ball in the dressing room being silly with you, Jen. But I think

> when I'm in public with you my serious osteoporosis and my hump and my

> walker embarrass you to death. And you haven't been out with me and my O2

> tanks. God, that's going to kill you. I don't want to go out with me, what

> do I expect of my tall beautiful daughter and her very handsome family? More

> tears.

> > > > > I don't expect you to want to be succesful in developing a strong

> happy relationship with me, because you have already put so many rules and

> regulations on what I can and cannot say, where I can and cannot go, never

> answering the phone without this, that, and the other (when I call).

> Sometimes I have to call you for material things, because either

> doesn't get the picture that I'm living in abject poverty, and cannot even

> afford the basics.

> > > > > Each hospitalization for depression was in November, and I was 34

> years old when I took a serious overdose to end the terrible mental pain I

> was living with. :Your Dad knew how many drugs and alcohol I had consumed

> that night. I thought my chances were pretty good that I'd be gone by

> morning, and I'd be gone. I thought he'd at least check on me to see that I

> was gone, call the coroner and get me removed. But I woke up in the morning,

> and you know the rotten rest.

> > > > > And for the last two years, on and off, but very much this last 3

> to 4 months; I have so much regretted not having been successful that night.

> Dad had been seeing Margie for months already, and she was so pretty and

> tall and well ! What do I have? Pain, I'm short, A face disfigured by

> steroids, and with oxygen tubing, a back bent by endless vertebral fractures

> and two major surgeries to save my life from a " superinfection " in my spine.

> > > > > Well, we know how much fun this has been also. I'm tired of getting

> sicker and feeling worse, with no rewards for sticking with the program, the

> pills, the diet, the O2, the tests, spending any sparse amount of money on

> copays or some needed medical thing. I'm tired of staying alive for a

> grandson I only see once or twice a year in person, and a son who still

> can't send me one lousy picture. I want to see my daughter who will finally

> wake up and see how much I am hurting and also grieving inside and being

> pushed aside. BTW, I have been invited to dinner on Thanksgiving day itself

> by a friend whose daughter is going to pick me up.

> > > > > I WILL ONLY GO TO DINNER IF :

> > > > > 1:you read this

> > > > > 2:you call me before the weekend, before I go crazy. "

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > I'll add my follow-up fantasy response in a separate post since

> this is embarrassingly long. Thanks for any suggestions or support!

> > > > >

> > > > > Sincerely,

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Dude - whoooooa

I would NOT RESPOND TO THAT

I'd just move on and go NC, probably at least until after christmas. You

alerted her case worker, and you are not responsible for keeping her alive.

I see it as pure manipulation

>

>

> Excellent Annie, that's great. I can say that so she understands that I

> care but am not going to give in on my boundaries. She will hate it but it's

> better than what I came up with.

>

> Thanks! I will proceed with being a broken record soon. Maybe I'll send the

> revised, Annified email tomorrow.

>

> Great advice!

>

>

>

>

> > > > >

> > > > > I took a break for awhile from working on my issues with nada to

> focus on me for a bit. But as the holidays near, the problems begin

> mounting. I was hoping for some advice on how to respond to this email I

> received from nada. I will give you some background information first to

> help you make some sense of this email...

> > > > >

> > > > > OK, so some background: My nada is 56 and I'm 30. She has awful

> financial and health problems and often expects me to help her with both. My

> parents divorced 23 years ago. Though she remarried for about 8 years, she

> still is obsessed with my father (her first ex)and our old way of life. She

> has pictures of us all as a family and scrapbooks these pics from 25 years

> ago. Bizarre.

> > > > >

> > > > > I have been married for 6 years-quite happily. My husband and I

> just found out after trying for 18 months (including 1 miscarriage) that

> we're expecting twins!

> > > > >

> > > > > Nada's father is still alive (83) but his health isn't great and

> driving a long distance is hard for him. My very supportive and mentally

> well brother has long since learned not to be an enabler and victim and also

> conveniently lives about 18 hours away. He will not be involved in

> Thanksgiving festivities. Nada doesn't abuse him nearly as frequently as me

> because I'm physically closer.

> > > > > Nada has no car and no money and therefore depends on caseworkers

> and aids to take her places since she refuses to use any public

> transportation. She is constantly asking to come and stay with my husband

> and I for a few days to visit and says she wants to cook for us, etc. though

> she has to have her aids cook for her because she can't stand long enough to

> cook dinner. I have told her that's not a good idea because our home is not

> handicapped accessible and it's just not a good idea. But she is relentless.

> Asks every time I talk to her.

> > > > >

> > > > > With Thanksgiving she is being a complete bear because my husband

> and I have decided that we have to split our holidays amonst families. Now

> that my in-laws, parents (dad and stepmom are my REAL parents) and nada all

> live in completely different cities 2-3 hours apart, we can't do 3 holidays

> in 1 weekend anymore.

> > > > >

> > > > > I asked my nada if we could do Thanksgiving on Wednesday evening

> with her and she flipped out because she would only have a few hours with us

> and she deserves more than that. she wants to come with us for all our

> family Thanksgiving festivities with my in-laws. I told her that was

> impossible and non-negotiable. So after a raging phone call where I had to

> hang up on her because she was screaming at me, we had some email dialogue.

> I started it with a simple: " I will see you on Wednesday before Thanksgiving

> if that is OK with you to keep stress to a minimum. " I will attach her

> response for your review. I'm looking for advice on how to respond or not

> respond. I would very much like to not see her for Thanksgiving at all. In

> addition, I went through this same routine last year. Now that I'm pregnant,

> I need to keep stress to a minimum. And if that means NC, I'm ready. I

> realize she'll threaten suicide, but she plays that card every time she

> doesn't get her way. She's had about 10 attempts in her life that I know of?

>

> > > > >

> > > > > Nada's email:

> > > > > Stressful? What do you mean? Because I'm not happy with the

> arrangements of being treated like the birth mother you're afraid will say

> something off color or dress poorly, and your embarrassed by the way she now

> looks because of her declining health, having to wear O2 all of the time?

> And where might I like to go? The house a la Wentzville to see a certain

> relative that I haven't seen since Mother's Day! I have been unable to

> sleep, angry, depressed, getting sicker because of my " family situation "

> (what the doctors, the CSW's, my friends call your priorities to spend days

> with your large families and not even try to get me included and NEVER

> inviting me into your home. I NEVER treated my mother or my grandmother that

> way, and visa versa!

> > > > > Less stressful? Would you prefer to skip it all together? Sounds

> like your in such a hurry to get to K.C anyway that it's just about going to

> kill you to spend time with me at all. And do you know the last time we

> didn't half rush around and actually had fun together was? The Mother's Day

> the year of 2009 when we ate out and shopped at JCPenney's for (things []

> and I had a ball in the dressing room being silly with you, Jen. But I think

> when I'm in public with you my serious osteoporosis and my hump and my

> walker embarrass you to death. And you haven't been out with me and my O2

> tanks. God, that's going to kill you. I don't want to go out with me, what

> do I expect of my tall beautiful daughter and her very handsome family? More

> tears.

> > > > > I don't expect you to want to be succesful in developing a strong

> happy relationship with me, because you have already put so many rules and

> regulations on what I can and cannot say, where I can and cannot go, never

> answering the phone without this, that, and the other (when I call).

> Sometimes I have to call you for material things, because either

> doesn't get the picture that I'm living in abject poverty, and cannot even

> afford the basics.

> > > > > Each hospitalization for depression was in November, and I was 34

> years old when I took a serious overdose to end the terrible mental pain I

> was living with. :Your Dad knew how many drugs and alcohol I had consumed

> that night. I thought my chances were pretty good that I'd be gone by

> morning, and I'd be gone. I thought he'd at least check on me to see that I

> was gone, call the coroner and get me removed. But I woke up in the morning,

> and you know the rotten rest.

> > > > > And for the last two years, on and off, but very much this last 3

> to 4 months; I have so much regretted not having been successful that night.

> Dad had been seeing Margie for months already, and she was so pretty and

> tall and well ! What do I have? Pain, I'm short, A face disfigured by

> steroids, and with oxygen tubing, a back bent by endless vertebral fractures

> and two major surgeries to save my life from a " superinfection " in my spine.

> > > > > Well, we know how much fun this has been also. I'm tired of getting

> sicker and feeling worse, with no rewards for sticking with the program, the

> pills, the diet, the O2, the tests, spending any sparse amount of money on

> copays or some needed medical thing. I'm tired of staying alive for a

> grandson I only see once or twice a year in person, and a son who still

> can't send me one lousy picture. I want to see my daughter who will finally

> wake up and see how much I am hurting and also grieving inside and being

> pushed aside. BTW, I have been invited to dinner on Thanksgiving day itself

> by a friend whose daughter is going to pick me up.

> > > > > I WILL ONLY GO TO DINNER IF :

> > > > > 1:you read this

> > > > > 2:you call me before the weekend, before I go crazy. "

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > I'll add my follow-up fantasy response in a separate post since

> this is embarrassingly long. Thanks for any suggestions or support!

> > > > >

> > > > > Sincerely,

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Dude - whoooooa

I would NOT RESPOND TO THAT

I'd just move on and go NC, probably at least until after christmas. You

alerted her case worker, and you are not responsible for keeping her alive.

I see it as pure manipulation

>

>

> Excellent Annie, that's great. I can say that so she understands that I

> care but am not going to give in on my boundaries. She will hate it but it's

> better than what I came up with.

>

> Thanks! I will proceed with being a broken record soon. Maybe I'll send the

> revised, Annified email tomorrow.

>

> Great advice!

>

>

>

>

> > > > >

> > > > > I took a break for awhile from working on my issues with nada to

> focus on me for a bit. But as the holidays near, the problems begin

> mounting. I was hoping for some advice on how to respond to this email I

> received from nada. I will give you some background information first to

> help you make some sense of this email...

> > > > >

> > > > > OK, so some background: My nada is 56 and I'm 30. She has awful

> financial and health problems and often expects me to help her with both. My

> parents divorced 23 years ago. Though she remarried for about 8 years, she

> still is obsessed with my father (her first ex)and our old way of life. She

> has pictures of us all as a family and scrapbooks these pics from 25 years

> ago. Bizarre.

> > > > >

> > > > > I have been married for 6 years-quite happily. My husband and I

> just found out after trying for 18 months (including 1 miscarriage) that

> we're expecting twins!

> > > > >

> > > > > Nada's father is still alive (83) but his health isn't great and

> driving a long distance is hard for him. My very supportive and mentally

> well brother has long since learned not to be an enabler and victim and also

> conveniently lives about 18 hours away. He will not be involved in

> Thanksgiving festivities. Nada doesn't abuse him nearly as frequently as me

> because I'm physically closer.

> > > > > Nada has no car and no money and therefore depends on caseworkers

> and aids to take her places since she refuses to use any public

> transportation. She is constantly asking to come and stay with my husband

> and I for a few days to visit and says she wants to cook for us, etc. though

> she has to have her aids cook for her because she can't stand long enough to

> cook dinner. I have told her that's not a good idea because our home is not

> handicapped accessible and it's just not a good idea. But she is relentless.

> Asks every time I talk to her.

> > > > >

> > > > > With Thanksgiving she is being a complete bear because my husband

> and I have decided that we have to split our holidays amonst families. Now

> that my in-laws, parents (dad and stepmom are my REAL parents) and nada all

> live in completely different cities 2-3 hours apart, we can't do 3 holidays

> in 1 weekend anymore.

> > > > >

> > > > > I asked my nada if we could do Thanksgiving on Wednesday evening

> with her and she flipped out because she would only have a few hours with us

> and she deserves more than that. she wants to come with us for all our

> family Thanksgiving festivities with my in-laws. I told her that was

> impossible and non-negotiable. So after a raging phone call where I had to

> hang up on her because she was screaming at me, we had some email dialogue.

> I started it with a simple: " I will see you on Wednesday before Thanksgiving

> if that is OK with you to keep stress to a minimum. " I will attach her

> response for your review. I'm looking for advice on how to respond or not

> respond. I would very much like to not see her for Thanksgiving at all. In

> addition, I went through this same routine last year. Now that I'm pregnant,

> I need to keep stress to a minimum. And if that means NC, I'm ready. I

> realize she'll threaten suicide, but she plays that card every time she

> doesn't get her way. She's had about 10 attempts in her life that I know of?

>

> > > > >

> > > > > Nada's email:

> > > > > Stressful? What do you mean? Because I'm not happy with the

> arrangements of being treated like the birth mother you're afraid will say

> something off color or dress poorly, and your embarrassed by the way she now

> looks because of her declining health, having to wear O2 all of the time?

> And where might I like to go? The house a la Wentzville to see a certain

> relative that I haven't seen since Mother's Day! I have been unable to

> sleep, angry, depressed, getting sicker because of my " family situation "

> (what the doctors, the CSW's, my friends call your priorities to spend days

> with your large families and not even try to get me included and NEVER

> inviting me into your home. I NEVER treated my mother or my grandmother that

> way, and visa versa!

> > > > > Less stressful? Would you prefer to skip it all together? Sounds

> like your in such a hurry to get to K.C anyway that it's just about going to

> kill you to spend time with me at all. And do you know the last time we

> didn't half rush around and actually had fun together was? The Mother's Day

> the year of 2009 when we ate out and shopped at JCPenney's for (things []

> and I had a ball in the dressing room being silly with you, Jen. But I think

> when I'm in public with you my serious osteoporosis and my hump and my

> walker embarrass you to death. And you haven't been out with me and my O2

> tanks. God, that's going to kill you. I don't want to go out with me, what

> do I expect of my tall beautiful daughter and her very handsome family? More

> tears.

> > > > > I don't expect you to want to be succesful in developing a strong

> happy relationship with me, because you have already put so many rules and

> regulations on what I can and cannot say, where I can and cannot go, never

> answering the phone without this, that, and the other (when I call).

> Sometimes I have to call you for material things, because either

> doesn't get the picture that I'm living in abject poverty, and cannot even

> afford the basics.

> > > > > Each hospitalization for depression was in November, and I was 34

> years old when I took a serious overdose to end the terrible mental pain I

> was living with. :Your Dad knew how many drugs and alcohol I had consumed

> that night. I thought my chances were pretty good that I'd be gone by

> morning, and I'd be gone. I thought he'd at least check on me to see that I

> was gone, call the coroner and get me removed. But I woke up in the morning,

> and you know the rotten rest.

> > > > > And for the last two years, on and off, but very much this last 3

> to 4 months; I have so much regretted not having been successful that night.

> Dad had been seeing Margie for months already, and she was so pretty and

> tall and well ! What do I have? Pain, I'm short, A face disfigured by

> steroids, and with oxygen tubing, a back bent by endless vertebral fractures

> and two major surgeries to save my life from a " superinfection " in my spine.

> > > > > Well, we know how much fun this has been also. I'm tired of getting

> sicker and feeling worse, with no rewards for sticking with the program, the

> pills, the diet, the O2, the tests, spending any sparse amount of money on

> copays or some needed medical thing. I'm tired of staying alive for a

> grandson I only see once or twice a year in person, and a son who still

> can't send me one lousy picture. I want to see my daughter who will finally

> wake up and see how much I am hurting and also grieving inside and being

> pushed aside. BTW, I have been invited to dinner on Thanksgiving day itself

> by a friend whose daughter is going to pick me up.

> > > > > I WILL ONLY GO TO DINNER IF :

> > > > > 1:you read this

> > > > > 2:you call me before the weekend, before I go crazy. "

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > I'll add my follow-up fantasy response in a separate post since

> this is embarrassingly long. Thanks for any suggestions or support!

> > > > >

> > > > > Sincerely,

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi.  I'm new to this, and not sure I am replying correctly.  To the lady who is

posting about her mother wanting her own way for Thanksgiving and threatening

suicide.  I applaud your strength in your self-preservation and your committment

to your health and the health of your unborn child.  Stay strong.  Thank you for

posting your mother's email.  I am a bit isolated when it comes to being an

Adult Child of a Mentally Ill Parent and when I read that email, I thought my

own mother could have written it.  It sounded so irrational to me and yet if it

had been written by my own mother, I would have been tempted to believe every

word she says, just because she is my mother.  So I know you are reading it the

same way, thinking to yourself, " Is there a grain of truth to this?  Am I being

selfish? "   You are not.  You are in the same position as all the rest of us and

too close to the situation to see it clearly for what it is.  When I read your

mom's

words, I was able to see my own mother's illness more clearly.  Keep posting

and sharing and reading what other people's experiences are, so that you can

keep your own mental health throughout all this.  Thank goodness for a support

group like this.  Keep fighting the good fight.  Your children's, your husband's

and your mental health depend on it.

>

>

> Excellent Annie, that's great. I can say that so she understands that I

> care but am not going to give in on my boundaries. She will hate it but it's

> better than what I came up with.

>

> Thanks! I will proceed with being a broken record soon. Maybe I'll send the

> revised, Annified email tomorrow.

>

> Great advice!

>

>

>

>

> > > > >

> > > > > I took a break for awhile from working on my issues with nada to

> focus on me for a bit. But as the holidays near, the problems begin

> mounting. I was hoping for some advice on how to respond to this email I

> received from nada. I will give you some background information first to

> help you make some sense of this email...

> > > > >

> > > > > OK, so some background: My nada is 56 and I'm 30. She has awful

> financial and health problems and often expects me to help her with both. My

> parents divorced 23 years ago. Though she remarried for about 8 years, she

> still is obsessed with my father (her first ex)and our old way of life. She

> has pictures of us all as a family and scrapbooks these pics from 25 years

> ago. Bizarre.

> > > > >

> > > > > I have been married for 6 years-quite happily. My husband and I

> just found out after trying for 18 months (including 1 miscarriage) that

> we're expecting twins!

> > > > >

> > > > > Nada's father is still alive (83) but his health isn't great and

> driving a long distance is hard for him. My very supportive and mentally

> well brother has long since learned not to be an enabler and victim and also

> conveniently lives about 18 hours away. He will not be involved in

> Thanksgiving festivities. Nada doesn't abuse him nearly as frequently as me

> because I'm physically closer.

> > > > > Nada has no car and no money and therefore depends on caseworkers

> and aids to take her places since she refuses to use any public

> transportation. She is constantly asking to come and stay with my husband

> and I for a few days to visit and says she wants to cook for us, etc. though

> she has to have her aids cook for her because she can't stand long enough to

> cook dinner. I have told her that's not a good idea because our home is not

> handicapped accessible and it's just not a good idea. But she is relentless.

> Asks every time I talk to her.

> > > > >

> > > > > With Thanksgiving she is being a complete bear because my husband

> and I have decided that we have to split our holidays amonst families. Now

> that my in-laws, parents (dad and stepmom are my REAL parents) and nada all

> live in completely different cities 2-3 hours apart, we can't do 3 holidays

> in 1 weekend anymore.

> > > > >

> > > > > I asked my nada if we could do Thanksgiving on Wednesday evening

> with her and she flipped out because she would only have a few hours with us

> and she deserves more than that. she wants to come with us for all our

> family Thanksgiving festivities with my in-laws. I told her that was

> impossible and non-negotiable. So after a raging phone call where I had to

> hang up on her because she was screaming at me, we had some email dialogue.

> I started it with a simple: " I will see you on Wednesday before Thanksgiving

> if that is OK with you to keep stress to a minimum. " I will attach her

> response for your review. I'm looking for advice on how to respond or not

> respond. I would very much like to not see her for Thanksgiving at all. In

> addition, I went through this same routine last year. Now that I'm pregnant,

> I need to keep stress to a minimum. And if that means NC, I'm ready. I

> realize she'll threaten suicide, but she plays that card every time she

> doesn't get her way. She's had about 10 attempts in her life that I know of?

>

> > > > >

> > > > > Nada's email:

> > > > > Stressful? What do you mean? Because I'm not happy with the

> arrangements of being treated like the birth mother you're afraid will say

> something off color or dress poorly, and your embarrassed by the way she now

> looks because of her declining health, having to wear O2 all of the time?

> And where might I like to go? The house a la Wentzville to see a certain

> relative that I haven't seen since Mother's Day! I have been unable to

> sleep, angry, depressed, getting sicker because of my " family situation "

> (what the doctors, the CSW's, my friends call your priorities to spend days

> with your large families and not even try to get me included and NEVER

> inviting me into your home. I NEVER treated my mother or my grandmother that

> way, and visa versa!

> > > > > Less stressful? Would you prefer to skip it all together? Sounds

> like your in such a hurry to get to K.C anyway that it's just about going to

> kill you to spend time with me at all. And do you know the last time we

> didn't half rush around and actually had fun together was? The Mother's Day

> the year of 2009 when we ate out and shopped at JCPenney's for (things []

> and I had a ball in the dressing room being silly with you, Jen. But I think

> when I'm in public with you my serious osteoporosis and my hump and my

> walker embarrass you to death. And you haven't been out with me and my O2

> tanks. God, that's going to kill you. I don't want to go out with me, what

> do I expect of my tall beautiful daughter and her very handsome family? More

> tears.

> > > > > I don't expect you to want to be succesful in developing a strong

> happy relationship with me, because you have already put so many rules and

> regulations on what I can and cannot say, where I can and cannot go, never

> answering the phone without this, that, and the other (when I call).

> Sometimes I have to call you for material things, because either

> doesn't get the picture that I'm living in abject poverty, and cannot even

> afford the basics.

> > > > > Each hospitalization for depression was in November, and I was 34

> years old when I took a serious overdose to end the terrible mental pain I

> was living with. :Your Dad knew how many drugs and alcohol I had consumed

> that night. I thought my chances were pretty good that I'd be gone by

> morning, and I'd be gone. I thought he'd at least check on me to see that I

> was gone, call the coroner and get me removed. But I woke up in the morning,

> and you know the rotten rest.

> > > > > And for the last two years, on and off, but very much this last 3

> to 4 months; I have so much regretted not having been successful that night.

> Dad had been seeing Margie for months already, and she was so pretty and

> tall and well ! What do I have? Pain, I'm short, A face disfigured by

> steroids, and with oxygen tubing, a back bent by endless vertebral fractures

> and two major surgeries to save my life from a " superinfection " in my spine.

> > > > > Well, we know how much fun this has been also. I'm tired of getting

> sicker and feeling worse, with no rewards for sticking with the program, the

> pills, the diet, the O2, the tests, spending any sparse amount of money on

> copays or some needed medical thing. I'm tired of staying alive for a

> grandson I only see once or twice a year in person, and a son who still

> can't send me one lousy picture. I want to see my daughter who will finally

> wake up and see how much I am hurting and also grieving inside and being

> pushed aside. BTW, I have been invited to dinner on Thanksgiving day itself

> by a friend whose daughter is going to pick me up.

> > > > > I WILL ONLY GO TO DINNER IF :

> > > > > 1:you read this

> > > > > 2:you call me before the weekend, before I go crazy. "

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > I'll add my follow-up fantasy response in a separate post since

> this is embarrassingly long. Thanks for any suggestions or support!

> > > > >

> > > > > Sincerely,

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

> 

>

[Guest guest]

Hi.  I'm new to this, and not sure I am replying correctly.  To the lady who is

posting about her mother wanting her own way for Thanksgiving and threatening

suicide.  I applaud your strength in your self-preservation and your committment

to your health and the health of your unborn child.  Stay strong.  Thank you for

posting your mother's email.  I am a bit isolated when it comes to being an

Adult Child of a Mentally Ill Parent and when I read that email, I thought my

own mother could have written it.  It sounded so irrational to me and yet if it

had been written by my own mother, I would have been tempted to believe every

word she says, just because she is my mother.  So I know you are reading it the

same way, thinking to yourself, " Is there a grain of truth to this?  Am I being

selfish? "   You are not.  You are in the same position as all the rest of us and

too close to the situation to see it clearly for what it is.  When I read your

mom's

words, I was able to see my own mother's illness more clearly.  Keep posting

and sharing and reading what other people's experiences are, so that you can

keep your own mental health throughout all this.  Thank goodness for a support

group like this.  Keep fighting the good fight.  Your children's, your husband's

and your mental health depend on it.

>

>

> Excellent Annie, that's great. I can say that so she understands that I

> care but am not going to give in on my boundaries. She will hate it but it's

> better than what I came up with.

>

> Thanks! I will proceed with being a broken record soon. Maybe I'll send the

> revised, Annified email tomorrow.

>

> Great advice!

>

>

>

>

> > > > >

> > > > > I took a break for awhile from working on my issues with nada to

> focus on me for a bit. But as the holidays near, the problems begin

> mounting. I was hoping for some advice on how to respond to this email I

> received from nada. I will give you some background information first to

> help you make some sense of this email...

> > > > >

> > > > > OK, so some background: My nada is 56 and I'm 30. She has awful

> financial and health problems and often expects me to help her with both. My

> parents divorced 23 years ago. Though she remarried for about 8 years, she

> still is obsessed with my father (her first ex)and our old way of life. She

> has pictures of us all as a family and scrapbooks these pics from 25 years

> ago. Bizarre.

> > > > >

> > > > > I have been married for 6 years-quite happily. My husband and I

> just found out after trying for 18 months (including 1 miscarriage) that

> we're expecting twins!

> > > > >

> > > > > Nada's father is still alive (83) but his health isn't great and

> driving a long distance is hard for him. My very supportive and mentally

> well brother has long since learned not to be an enabler and victim and also

> conveniently lives about 18 hours away. He will not be involved in

> Thanksgiving festivities. Nada doesn't abuse him nearly as frequently as me

> because I'm physically closer.

> > > > > Nada has no car and no money and therefore depends on caseworkers

> and aids to take her places since she refuses to use any public

> transportation. She is constantly asking to come and stay with my husband

> and I for a few days to visit and says she wants to cook for us, etc. though

> she has to have her aids cook for her because she can't stand long enough to

> cook dinner. I have told her that's not a good idea because our home is not

> handicapped accessible and it's just not a good idea. But she is relentless.

> Asks every time I talk to her.

> > > > >

> > > > > With Thanksgiving she is being a complete bear because my husband

> and I have decided that we have to split our holidays amonst families. Now

> that my in-laws, parents (dad and stepmom are my REAL parents) and nada all

> live in completely different cities 2-3 hours apart, we can't do 3 holidays

> in 1 weekend anymore.

> > > > >

> > > > > I asked my nada if we could do Thanksgiving on Wednesday evening

> with her and she flipped out because she would only have a few hours with us

> and she deserves more than that. she wants to come with us for all our

> family Thanksgiving festivities with my in-laws. I told her that was

> impossible and non-negotiable. So after a raging phone call where I had to

> hang up on her because she was screaming at me, we had some email dialogue.

> I started it with a simple: " I will see you on Wednesday before Thanksgiving

> if that is OK with you to keep stress to a minimum. " I will attach her

> response for your review. I'm looking for advice on how to respond or not

> respond. I would very much like to not see her for Thanksgiving at all. In

> addition, I went through this same routine last year. Now that I'm pregnant,

> I need to keep stress to a minimum. And if that means NC, I'm ready. I

> realize she'll threaten suicide, but she plays that card every time she

> doesn't get her way. She's had about 10 attempts in her life that I know of?

>

> > > > >

> > > > > Nada's email:

> > > > > Stressful? What do you mean? Because I'm not happy with the

> arrangements of being treated like the birth mother you're afraid will say

> something off color or dress poorly, and your embarrassed by the way she now

> looks because of her declining health, having to wear O2 all of the time?

> And where might I like to go? The house a la Wentzville to see a certain

> relative that I haven't seen since Mother's Day! I have been unable to

> sleep, angry, depressed, getting sicker because of my " family situation "

> (what the doctors, the CSW's, my friends call your priorities to spend days

> with your large families and not even try to get me included and NEVER

> inviting me into your home. I NEVER treated my mother or my grandmother that

> way, and visa versa!

> > > > > Less stressful? Would you prefer to skip it all together? Sounds

> like your in such a hurry to get to K.C anyway that it's just about going to

> kill you to spend time with me at all. And do you know the last time we

> didn't half rush around and actually had fun together was? The Mother's Day

> the year of 2009 when we ate out and shopped at JCPenney's for (things []

> and I had a ball in the dressing room being silly with you, Jen. But I think

> when I'm in public with you my serious osteoporosis and my hump and my

> walker embarrass you to death. And you haven't been out with me and my O2

> tanks. God, that's going to kill you. I don't want to go out with me, what

> do I expect of my tall beautiful daughter and her very handsome family? More

> tears.

> > > > > I don't expect you to want to be succesful in developing a strong

> happy relationship with me, because you have already put so many rules and

> regulations on what I can and cannot say, where I can and cannot go, never

> answering the phone without this, that, and the other (when I call).

> Sometimes I have to call you for material things, because either

> doesn't get the picture that I'm living in abject poverty, and cannot even

> afford the basics.

> > > > > Each hospitalization for depression was in November, and I was 34

> years old when I took a serious overdose to end the terrible mental pain I

> was living with. :Your Dad knew how many drugs and alcohol I had consumed

> that night. I thought my chances were pretty good that I'd be gone by

> morning, and I'd be gone. I thought he'd at least check on me to see that I

> was gone, call the coroner and get me removed. But I woke up in the morning,

> and you know the rotten rest.

> > > > > And for the last two years, on and off, but very much this last 3

> to 4 months; I have so much regretted not having been successful that night.

> Dad had been seeing Margie for months already, and she was so pretty and

> tall and well ! What do I have? Pain, I'm short, A face disfigured by

> steroids, and with oxygen tubing, a back bent by endless vertebral fractures

> and two major surgeries to save my life from a " superinfection " in my spine.

> > > > > Well, we know how much fun this has been also. I'm tired of getting

> sicker and feeling worse, with no rewards for sticking with the program, the

> pills, the diet, the O2, the tests, spending any sparse amount of money on

> copays or some needed medical thing. I'm tired of staying alive for a

> grandson I only see once or twice a year in person, and a son who still

> can't send me one lousy picture. I want to see my daughter who will finally

> wake up and see how much I am hurting and also grieving inside and being

> pushed aside. BTW, I have been invited to dinner on Thanksgiving day itself

> by a friend whose daughter is going to pick me up.

> > > > > I WILL ONLY GO TO DINNER IF :

> > > > > 1:you read this

> > > > > 2:you call me before the weekend, before I go crazy. "

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > I'll add my follow-up fantasy response in a separate post since

> this is embarrassingly long. Thanks for any suggestions or support!

> > > > >

> > > > > Sincerely,

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

> 

>