Re: Long post! Sorry! What are you doing about Thanksgiving with nada?

November 17, 2010

Oh, for Pete's sake. What a self-serving e-mail. The whole thing reeks of " You

owe me. You're misbehaving. Look at how wretched I am, you have to care for

me. "

I just don't get how they feel like they can sh*t all over their children and

expect them to want to hang out in return.

I say let her gnaw her turkey bone in her puddle of self-pity and have yourself

a relaxing Thanksgiving.

>

> I took a break for awhile from working on my issues with nada to focus on me

for a bit. But as the holidays near, the problems begin mounting. I was

hoping for some advice on how to respond to this email I received from nada. I

will give you some background information first to help you make some sense of

this email...

>

> OK, so some background: My nada is 56 and I'm 30. She has awful financial

and health problems and often expects me to help her with both. My parents

divorced 23 years ago. Though she remarried for about 8 years, she still is

obsessed with my father (her first ex)and our old way of life. She has pictures

of us all as a family and scrapbooks these pics from 25 years ago. Bizarre.

>

> I have been married for 6 years-quite happily. My husband and I just found

out after trying for 18 months (including 1 miscarriage) that we're expecting

twins!

>

> Nada's father is still alive (83) but his health isn't great and driving a

long distance is hard for him. My very supportive and mentally well brother has

long since learned not to be an enabler and victim and also conveniently lives

about 18 hours away. He will not be involved in Thanksgiving festivities. Nada

doesn't abuse him nearly as frequently as me because I'm physically closer.

> Nada has no car and no money and therefore depends on caseworkers and aids to

take her places since she refuses to use any public transportation. She is

constantly asking to come and stay with my husband and I for a few days to visit

and says she wants to cook for us, etc. though she has to have her aids cook for

her because she can't stand long enough to cook dinner. I have told her that's

not a good idea because our home is not handicapped accessible and it's just not

a good idea. But she is relentless. Asks every time I talk to her.

>

> With Thanksgiving she is being a complete bear because my husband and I have

decided that we have to split our holidays amonst families. Now that my

in-laws, parents (dad and stepmom are my REAL parents) and nada all live in

completely different cities 2-3 hours apart, we can't do 3 holidays in 1 weekend

anymore.

>

> I asked my nada if we could do Thanksgiving on Wednesday evening with her and

she flipped out because she would only have a few hours with us and she deserves

more than that. she wants to come with us for all our family Thanksgiving

festivities with my in-laws. I told her that was impossible and non-negotiable.

So after a raging phone call where I had to hang up on her because she was

screaming at me, we had some email dialogue. I started it with a simple: " I

will see you on Wednesday before Thanksgiving if that is OK with you to keep

stress to a minimum. " I will attach her response for your review. I'm looking

for advice on how to respond or not respond. I would very much like to not see

her for Thanksgiving at all. In addition, I went through this same routine last

year. Now that I'm pregnant, I need to keep stress to a minimum. And if that

means NC, I'm ready. I realize she'll threaten suicide, but she plays that card

every time she doesn't get her way. She's had about 10 attempts in her life

that I know of?

>

> Nada's email:

> Stressful? What do you mean? Because I'm not happy with the arrangements of

being treated like the birth mother you're afraid will say something off color

or dress poorly, and your embarrassed by the way she now looks because of her

declining health, having to wear O2 all of the time? And where might I like to

go? The house a la Wentzville to see a certain relative that I haven't seen

since Mother's Day! I have been unable to sleep, angry, depressed, getting

sicker because of my " family situation " (what the doctors, the CSW's, my friends

call your priorities to spend days with your large families and not even try to

get me included and NEVER inviting me into your home. I NEVER treated my mother

or my grandmother that way, and visa versa!

> Less stressful? Would you prefer to skip it all together? Sounds like your in

such a hurry to get to K.C anyway that it's just about going to kill you to

spend time with me at all. And do you know the last time we didn't half rush

around and actually had fun together was? The Mother's Day the year of 2009 when

we ate out and shopped at JCPenney's for (things [] and I had a ball in the

dressing room being silly with you, Jen. But I think when I'm in public with

you my serious osteoporosis and my hump and my walker embarrass you to death.

And you haven't been out with me and my O2 tanks. God, that's going to kill you.

I don't want to go out with me, what do I expect of my tall beautiful daughter

and her very handsome family? More tears.

> I don't expect you to want to be succesful in developing a strong happy

relationship with me, because you have already put so many rules and regulations

on what I can and cannot say, where I can and cannot go, never answering the

phone without this, that, and the other (when I call). Sometimes I have to call

you for material things, because either doesn't get the picture that I'm

living in abject poverty, and cannot even afford the basics.

> Each hospitalization for depression was in November, and I was 34 years old

when I took a serious overdose to end the terrible mental pain I was living

with. :Your Dad knew how many drugs and alcohol I had consumed that night. I

thought my chances were pretty good that I'd be gone by morning, and I'd be

gone. I thought he'd at least check on me to see that I was gone, call the

coroner and get me removed. But I woke up in the morning, and you know the

rotten rest.

> And for the last two years, on and off, but very much this last 3 to 4

months; I have so much regretted not having been successful that night. Dad had

been seeing Margie for months already, and she was so pretty and tall and well !

What do I have? Pain, I'm short, A face disfigured by steroids, and with oxygen

tubing, a back bent by endless vertebral fractures and two major surgeries to

save my life from a " superinfection " in my spine.

> Well, we know how much fun this has been also. I'm tired of getting sicker

and feeling worse, with no rewards for sticking with the program, the pills, the

diet, the O2, the tests, spending any sparse amount of money on copays or some

needed medical thing. I'm tired of staying alive for a grandson I only see once

or twice a year in person, and a son who still can't send me one lousy picture.

I want to see my daughter who will finally wake up and see how much I am

hurting and also grieving inside and being pushed aside. BTW, I have been

invited to dinner on Thanksgiving day itself by a friend whose daughter is going

to pick me up.

> I WILL ONLY GO TO DINNER IF :

> 1:you read this

> 2:you call me before the weekend, before I go crazy. "

>

> I'll add my follow-up fantasy response in a separate post since this is

embarrassingly long. Thanks for any suggestions or support!

>

> Sincerely,

>

November 17, 2010

Thank you all for your responses! I'm having a tough time not responding at all

because I've spent every single Thanksgiving (or at least the day before or

after) with her since I was born. Should I send some kind of response as to why

I'm not going to do it anymore? I know I can't explain it to her to where

she'll " get it, " but I thought she should know how I feel?

Here's my fantasy response if anyone wants to delve further into the drama in my

head! You won't hurt my feelings if it's too long for you to read.

" Why don't you send the above email to your therapist and doctors and friends

and then ask them to comment? This is an abusive soliloquy a la Mom and this is

exactly why I do not like to spend time with you. I won't even respond to your

accusations that I'm embarrassed to be seen with you. I know exactly how your

really feel about me when you send these phone messages and emails. But when

there's something you want you pretend to be nice and pathetic again, thinking

I'm stupid and I'll just forget or forgive your last rage. The holidays seem to

amplify your true feelings and I honestly want nothing to do with any of it.

Did you even read your letter before you sent it? I'm not your journal that you

can just vent to. I don't just roll over and forgive these hurtful things you

say like, how did you say? A dog? (alluding here to when she said I treat her

like a dog) I'm not a dog. I'm not a journal. I'm not your possession. I'm

my own person and I'm a person who refuses to be abused by anyone. You never

hit me. You never poisoned me. But you broke my heart way too many times. If

you were a friend or acquaintance I would have been done with you LONG ago. The

only reason I've tried at all is because of the fact that you're my mother and

your life sucks. But it's enough. You can say whatever you want, but I'm done

with this. You don't think you're abusing me, and I think you are. It's not

open for discussion because arguing this is an invalidation of my feelings,

isn't it? You have been abusing me emotionally and verbally since I was 12

years old and I decided to move in with Dad. I've put up with it for 18 years

and I think the statute of limitations is up. Your 20 years of words have

permanently poisoned our relationship and cannot be reconciled. I've given you

so many chances and so many times hoped you would change (I am not talking about

your physical health or appearance-I am not that transparent). Or actually

thought that maybe I wasn't being fair and should give you another chance.

Maybe maturity is making me smarter. You will never stop having these cruel

thoughts toward me. You're not going to change. But I can change. Have a nice

Thanksgiving with your new family. I give that relationship 6 months. 1 year

tops.

I just feel so much now after venting all these feelings! SO glad I let them

all out. Now how does it make YOU feel? Never mind. I don't care. "

Thanks for listening.

>

> Don't respond and don't go. If she thinks that you are that desperate to

> spend the day with her (I will have dinner with you ONLY if...) show her

> that you're not.

>

> --

>

> " I have a grip on reality, just not this particular one. " -- Author Unknown*

> *

>

November 17, 2010

Great fantasy response! Its nice to get your feelings down on paper even if you

never send the letter, it just feels good to speak the truth.

I agree with Kimberley and other posters who suggest that its better to not

respond to your nada's letter at all; its intended to provoke a response. She

wants you to prove to her that you care for her by *threatening* you, which is

both irrational and manipulative at the same time! Don't fall into the trap of

trying to have a rational conversation with an irrational person.

IF you're up for it, I suggest that you simply make your offer to see her on

Wednesday (day before Thanksgiving) again, and if she doesn't respond or refuses

outright, then, you're done (with this round of the ongoing drama.)

Its hard to accept that we can't reason with our bpd parents, that we can't

explain our point of view to them in a way that they will either understand or

accept, and attempting to do so is pointless.

No reason or explanation you can give them will ever work. Its hard to give up

wishing/hoping for them to understand and to change, but, that appears to be

reality.

I wouldn't feel the least bit guilty about offering what contact you are able to

offer (if any) and if that's not OK with nada, then, so be it.

Your first priority is to your family: the new life growing inside you and your

husband and yourself.

If your mother was mentally healthy and was able to love you, she'd insist that

you take care of your own health needs ahead of her needs or wishes.

Loving parents don't use threats or blackmail against their children, sez I.

Emotional blackmail is really about control, possessiveness, and malignant

narcissism, not love at all.

" Do what I say or I'll hurt:

you,

your children,

your spouse,

your good reputation,

your pet,

your sibling,

your other parent, or

myself. "

Yeah, that's really coming from a loving heart. Right.

-Annie

>

> Thank you all for your responses! I'm having a tough time not responding at

all because I've spent every single Thanksgiving (or at least the day before or

after) with her since I was born. Should I send some kind of response as to why

I'm not going to do it anymore? I know I can't explain it to her to where

she'll " get it, " but I thought she should know how I feel?

>

> Here's my fantasy response if anyone wants to delve further into the drama in

my head! You won't hurt my feelings if it's too long for you to read.

>

> " Why don't you send the above email to your therapist and doctors and friends