Guest guest Posted November 14, 2010 Report Share Posted November 14, 2010 BPD is very complex and hard to understand. I thought that I had BPD because of my suicide attempts (have not been suicidal for almost two years now) and extreme mood swings. I have spent my entire life trying to make people happy; that was the only way I was happy....at least so I thought. With that being said, I think I may be more codependent than anything else. I am currently getting therapy and will probably do so for a while. Why I suspect my mom has BPD. For as long as I remember, I remember my mom telling me " I gave my entire life to you kids and this is how you thank me " . I remember her saying this when I was in jr high. As long as me or my siblings did what my mother requested us to do, there wasn't a problem. That was until she wanted something else or we did not do what she requested. Everything was our fault. It was our fault that she could not take care of her diabetes; it was our fault that she was broke and never had any money; it was our fault that her first marriage didn't last; it was our fault that her second marriage didn't last; it is our fault that she is now alone and she has no friends. We never showed any type of appreciation for anything that she did for us. My siblings and I hated the holidays. Every year mom would put on this big spread for Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners. We offered to help and of course she said no. Then when it was all over, she was mad at us because we didn't help. She would buy us Christmas presents and then remind us how much they cost and that she shouldn't have bought them because the electricity was going to be shut off tomorrow. Based on the above information, am I on the right track or barking up the wrong tree? I understand that cannot diagnose my mom with BPD. I'm just trying to understand her and find out where I need to go to next as far as educating myself and trying to understand her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 14, 2010 Report Share Posted November 14, 2010 You are on the right track. What you wrote about sounds just like other BPD moms. *I gave my entire life to you kids and this is how you thank me* <- my nada used these exact words all the time. She would buy us Christmas presents and then remind us how much they cost and that she shouldn't have bought them because the electricity was going to be shut off tomorrow. <- nada did this too. She was a compulsive gambler. Also, the fact that you question yourself having BPD may mean you don't. Refusing to admit to the problem is very common in BPD. You may, like me, suffer from fleas. Fleas are nada like traits that we learn from being raised by dysfunctional parents. Children learn by modeling their parents and we had s----- models. Excuse the language. -- “I have a grip on reality, just not this particular one.”-- Author Unknown* * Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 14, 2010 Report Share Posted November 14, 2010 Just like my mom " I gave my whole life for you, ect... " She made me feel like I owed her my life. I know some mom who did that to her rich son (she was probably bpd) until he had a year left to live due to brain cancer. The mother found a perfect oppurtunity here, she stopped talking to her own son although she was living at her house. All he got were dirty looks day and night. When he had a week left to live, and she still kept giving him dirty looks, he shot her and then shot himself. He couldn't take it anymore I guess. My mother also never let me do anything for her. Then she always blamed me for not doing anything for her. When I left, she asked me for a favor (1.5 years later when she was desperate of course), so I did it for her and she ridiculed me for doing a bad job, although, believe me you, I know it was a fantastic job and even if God himself did her the favor, she would speak badly about it. I say screw her and her BPD. I told her to seek help, she didn't. Instead I lost years of my life trying to mend the relations between us. They are a waste of time and deserve prison time for what they do to their children. > > BPD is very complex and hard to understand. > > I thought that I had BPD because of my suicide attempts (have not been suicidal for almost two years now) and extreme mood swings. I have spent my entire life trying to make people happy; that was the only way I was happy....at least so I thought. With that being said, I think I may be more codependent than anything else. I am currently getting therapy and will probably do so for a while. > > Why I suspect my mom has BPD. > > For as long as I remember, I remember my mom telling me " I gave my entire life to you kids and this is how you thank me " . I remember her saying this when I was in jr high. > > As long as me or my siblings did what my mother requested us to do, there wasn't a problem. That was until she wanted something else or we did not do what she requested. > > Everything was our fault. It was our fault that she could not take care of her diabetes; it was our fault that she was broke and never had any money; it was our fault that her first marriage didn't last; it was our fault that her second marriage didn't last; it is our fault that she is now alone and she has no friends. We never showed any type of appreciation for anything that she did for us. > > My siblings and I hated the holidays. Every year mom would put on this big spread for Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners. We offered to help and of course she said no. Then when it was all over, she was mad at us because we didn't help. She would buy us Christmas presents and then remind us how much they cost and that she shouldn't have bought them because the electricity was going to be shut off tomorrow. > > Based on the above information, am I on the right track or barking up the wrong tree? I understand that cannot diagnose my mom with BPD. I'm just trying to understand her and find out where I need to go to next as far as educating myself and trying to understand her. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 14, 2010 Report Share Posted November 14, 2010 Just like my mom " I gave my whole life for you, ect... " She made me feel like I owed her my life. I know some mom who did that to her rich son (she was probably bpd) until he had a year left to live due to brain cancer. The mother found a perfect oppurtunity here, she stopped talking to her own son although she was living at her house. All he got were dirty looks day and night. When he had a week left to live, and she still kept giving him dirty looks, he shot her and then shot himself. He couldn't take it anymore I guess. My mother also never let me do anything for her. Then she always blamed me for not doing anything for her. When I left, she asked me for a favor (1.5 years later when she was desperate of course), so I did it for her and she ridiculed me for doing a bad job, although, believe me you, I know it was a fantastic job and even if God himself did her the favor, she would speak badly about it. I say screw her and her BPD. I told her to seek help, she didn't. Instead I lost years of my life trying to mend the relations between us. They are a waste of time and deserve prison time for what they do to their children. > > BPD is very complex and hard to understand. > > I thought that I had BPD because of my suicide attempts (have not been suicidal for almost two years now) and extreme mood swings. I have spent my entire life trying to make people happy; that was the only way I was happy....at least so I thought. With that being said, I think I may be more codependent than anything else. I am currently getting therapy and will probably do so for a while. > > Why I suspect my mom has BPD. > > For as long as I remember, I remember my mom telling me " I gave my entire life to you kids and this is how you thank me " . I remember her saying this when I was in jr high. > > As long as me or my siblings did what my mother requested us to do, there wasn't a problem. That was until she wanted something else or we did not do what she requested. > > Everything was our fault. It was our fault that she could not take care of her diabetes; it was our fault that she was broke and never had any money; it was our fault that her first marriage didn't last; it was our fault that her second marriage didn't last; it is our fault that she is now alone and she has no friends. We never showed any type of appreciation for anything that she did for us. > > My siblings and I hated the holidays. Every year mom would put on this big spread for Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners. We offered to help and of course she said no. Then when it was all over, she was mad at us because we didn't help. She would buy us Christmas presents and then remind us how much they cost and that she shouldn't have bought them because the electricity was going to be shut off tomorrow. > > Based on the above information, am I on the right track or barking up the wrong tree? I understand that cannot diagnose my mom with BPD. I'm just trying to understand her and find out where I need to go to next as far as educating myself and trying to understand her. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 14, 2010 Report Share Posted November 14, 2010 Thank you for your response. I am so relieved to know that someone else understands what I am talking about. Do you still maintain a relationship with your nada? Unfortunately, I don't feel that I can continue any type of relationship with my mother. I feel guilty because she is my mother and I strongly believed in honoring thy father and mother. However, EVERYTIME I go see her she is consistently reminding me about how much I have screwed her and I do not wish to continue this anymore. So therefore, I am taking a break. I am interested in knowing what your thoughts are. > > You are on the right track. What you wrote about sounds just like other BPD > moms. > > *I gave my entire life to you kids and this is how you thank me* <- my nada > used these exact words all the time. > > She would buy us Christmas presents and then remind us how much they cost > and that she shouldn't have bought them because the electricity was going to > be shut off tomorrow. <- nada did this too. She was a compulsive gambler. > > Also, the fact that you question yourself having BPD may mean you don't. > Refusing to admit to the problem is very common in BPD. You may, like me, > suffer from fleas. Fleas are nada like traits that we learn from being > raised by dysfunctional parents. Children learn by modeling their parents > and we had s----- models. Excuse the language. > > -- > > > " I have a grip on reality, just not this particular one. " -- Author Unknown* > * > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 14, 2010 Report Share Posted November 14, 2010 Thank you for your response. I am so relieved to know that someone else understands what I am talking about. Do you still maintain a relationship with your nada? Unfortunately, I don't feel that I can continue any type of relationship with my mother. I feel guilty because she is my mother and I strongly believed in honoring thy father and mother. However, EVERYTIME I go see her she is consistently reminding me about how much I have screwed her and I do not wish to continue this anymore. So therefore, I am taking a break. I am interested in knowing what your thoughts are. > > You are on the right track. What you wrote about sounds just like other BPD > moms. > > *I gave my entire life to you kids and this is how you thank me* <- my nada > used these exact words all the time. > > She would buy us Christmas presents and then remind us how much they cost > and that she shouldn't have bought them because the electricity was going to > be shut off tomorrow. <- nada did this too. She was a compulsive gambler. > > Also, the fact that you question yourself having BPD may mean you don't. > Refusing to admit to the problem is very common in BPD. You may, like me, > suffer from fleas. Fleas are nada like traits that we learn from being > raised by dysfunctional parents. Children learn by modeling their parents > and we had s----- models. Excuse the language. > > -- > > > " I have a grip on reality, just not this particular one. " -- Author Unknown* > * > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 14, 2010 Report Share Posted November 14, 2010 Yeah, is right. Your situation sounds very similar to my experiences as an adolescent. Having said that, I'm now 34, and my nada was only diagnosed four years ago. The last four years of my life have been the best ever, but the time between 14 to 30, a veritable walking on eggshells and nightmare. I would suggest you read everything you can get your hands on about this illness. Also note, that this illness, like others, usually comes in pairs or threes, meaning that it's not uncommon to have symptoms of other personality disorders, e.g. histrionic disorder, etc, though one is usually dominant. BPD is exceptionally difficult to understand and cope with, because even when the person is behaving (nicely), it's only a means to an end, and that end is attention-seeking, abandonement-avoidance, or simply an attempt at " feeling " anything. Finally, one thing that helped me was realizing that, in my case, my nada had no emotional memory, meaning that each experience was like a brand-new one, and she could never remember from one time to the next what the previous experiences were like. This is often exhibited by her by a giant screaming/yelling fest, followed by her making you breakfast the next morning. Of course, the rational actor would remember the altercation/argument from the previous night, but not the BPD. It's like it never happened. Conversely, you could do a million nice things for your nada, but you may very well finding yourself eating it the very next time. When dealing with BPD, nothing, positive or negative, is a signpost to anything, in my experience. Best of luck. > > You are on the right track. What you wrote about sounds just like other BPD > moms. > > *I gave my entire life to you kids and this is how you thank me* <- my nada > used these exact words all the time. > > She would buy us Christmas presents and then remind us how much they cost > and that she shouldn't have bought them because the electricity was going to > be shut off tomorrow. <- nada did this too. She was a compulsive gambler. > > Also, the fact that you question yourself having BPD may mean you don't. > Refusing to admit to the problem is very common in BPD. You may, like me, > suffer from fleas. Fleas are nada like traits that we learn from being > raised by dysfunctional parents. Children learn by modeling their parents > and we had s----- models. Excuse the language. > > -- > > > " I have a grip on reality, just not this particular one. " -- Author Unknown* > * > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 14, 2010 Report Share Posted November 14, 2010 Yeah, is right. Your situation sounds very similar to my experiences as an adolescent. Having said that, I'm now 34, and my nada was only diagnosed four years ago. The last four years of my life have been the best ever, but the time between 14 to 30, a veritable walking on eggshells and nightmare. I would suggest you read everything you can get your hands on about this illness. Also note, that this illness, like others, usually comes in pairs or threes, meaning that it's not uncommon to have symptoms of other personality disorders, e.g. histrionic disorder, etc, though one is usually dominant. BPD is exceptionally difficult to understand and cope with, because even when the person is behaving (nicely), it's only a means to an end, and that end is attention-seeking, abandonement-avoidance, or simply an attempt at " feeling " anything. Finally, one thing that helped me was realizing that, in my case, my nada had no emotional memory, meaning that each experience was like a brand-new one, and she could never remember from one time to the next what the previous experiences were like. This is often exhibited by her by a giant screaming/yelling fest, followed by her making you breakfast the next morning. Of course, the rational actor would remember the altercation/argument from the previous night, but not the BPD. It's like it never happened. Conversely, you could do a million nice things for your nada, but you may very well finding yourself eating it the very next time. When dealing with BPD, nothing, positive or negative, is a signpost to anything, in my experience. Best of luck. > > You are on the right track. What you wrote about sounds just like other BPD > moms. > > *I gave my entire life to you kids and this is how you thank me* <- my nada > used these exact words all the time. > > She would buy us Christmas presents and then remind us how much they cost > and that she shouldn't have bought them because the electricity was going to > be shut off tomorrow. <- nada did this too. She was a compulsive gambler. > > Also, the fact that you question yourself having BPD may mean you don't. > Refusing to admit to the problem is very common in BPD. You may, like me, > suffer from fleas. Fleas are nada like traits that we learn from being > raised by dysfunctional parents. Children learn by modeling their parents > and we had s----- models. Excuse the language. > > -- > > > " I have a grip on reality, just not this particular one. " -- Author Unknown* > * > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 15, 2010 Report Share Posted November 15, 2010 I have been NC ( no contact ) with my nada for 8 1/2 months. I tried to keep up a relationship until I was 25. I always knew she wasn't right but I kept caving to the family pressures to " honor thy mother " . The family just brushed her abuse off as " she's always been this way " . An example: Nada called me on my WEDDING DAY screaming and crying AT ME because she was running late. I became upset and went outside yelling about how could she treat me like this on MY WEDDING DAY! My grandfather came out and pretty much demanded I calm down because " it's just how she is " I had my first daughter at 23. At that point my willingness to tolerate nada changed. I insisted on only supervised contact and later was forced to limit contact to nada coming to my home. I had tried a few trips to nada's house but she pulled the " my house my rules " as a way to undermine me. After I limited contact to my house only she began to try harder to control my parenting/child in my own home. She would demand I give daughter things that were forbidden and when I refused sneak them behind my back. She behaved unforgivably bad on Christmas both years. When my daughter was 18 months old I had my 2nd daughter. Nada tried and tired to make me miserable while I was in labor and recovering. It resulted in her giving me a FOG filled ultimatum letter the first day I was home from the hospital. My 2nd daughter was 3 days old. That is the only time nada ever saw her. I tried one time, four months later, to speak to nada on the phone. Nada DEMANDED to see my kids. I calmly explained that can only happen if we come to an agreement on boundaries and stick to them. She raged worse than I have ever heard. She threatened to use the courts to get unsupervised visits with my kids. I hung up. She cried to family members and twisted my words. Agreeing to boundaries turned into me telling her that she must " walk a fine line in chalk " . My aunt who I had always trusted got involved. Aunt told me that I was being horrible to nada and that nada does have rights to me and my children. Aunt proceeded to blame all the problems on my dear husband. Now, I have NC with nada and all of nada's FOO (family of origin). I feel bad that there are some people who I have cut off that are able to see the truth but I cannot have people passing info to crazy aunt and crazy nada. I have limited contact with my father's side of the family as they are more understanding and will not get as involved. Do not feel bad about having NC. It is the safest and most healthy thing you can do. You can lean on us for the support you need. -- “I have a grip on reality, just not this particular one.”-- Author Unknown* * Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 15, 2010 Report Share Posted November 15, 2010 I have been NC ( no contact ) with my nada for 8 1/2 months. I tried to keep up a relationship until I was 25. I always knew she wasn't right but I kept caving to the family pressures to " honor thy mother " . The family just brushed her abuse off as " she's always been this way " . An example: Nada called me on my WEDDING DAY screaming and crying AT ME because she was running late. I became upset and went outside yelling about how could she treat me like this on MY WEDDING DAY! My grandfather came out and pretty much demanded I calm down because " it's just how she is " I had my first daughter at 23. At that point my willingness to tolerate nada changed. I insisted on only supervised contact and later was forced to limit contact to nada coming to my home. I had tried a few trips to nada's house but she pulled the " my house my rules " as a way to undermine me. After I limited contact to my house only she began to try harder to control my parenting/child in my own home. She would demand I give daughter things that were forbidden and when I refused sneak them behind my back. She behaved unforgivably bad on Christmas both years. When my daughter was 18 months old I had my 2nd daughter. Nada tried and tired to make me miserable while I was in labor and recovering. It resulted in her giving me a FOG filled ultimatum letter the first day I was home from the hospital. My 2nd daughter was 3 days old. That is the only time nada ever saw her. I tried one time, four months later, to speak to nada on the phone. Nada DEMANDED to see my kids. I calmly explained that can only happen if we come to an agreement on boundaries and stick to them. She raged worse than I have ever heard. She threatened to use the courts to get unsupervised visits with my kids. I hung up. She cried to family members and twisted my words. Agreeing to boundaries turned into me telling her that she must " walk a fine line in chalk " . My aunt who I had always trusted got involved. Aunt told me that I was being horrible to nada and that nada does have rights to me and my children. Aunt proceeded to blame all the problems on my dear husband. Now, I have NC with nada and all of nada's FOO (family of origin). I feel bad that there are some people who I have cut off that are able to see the truth but I cannot have people passing info to crazy aunt and crazy nada. I have limited contact with my father's side of the family as they are more understanding and will not get as involved. Do not feel bad about having NC. It is the safest and most healthy thing you can do. You can lean on us for the support you need. -- “I have a grip on reality, just not this particular one.”-- Author Unknown* * Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 15, 2010 Report Share Posted November 15, 2010 I have been NC ( no contact ) with my nada for 8 1/2 months. I tried to keep up a relationship until I was 25. I always knew she wasn't right but I kept caving to the family pressures to " honor thy mother " . The family just brushed her abuse off as " she's always been this way " . An example: Nada called me on my WEDDING DAY screaming and crying AT ME because she was running late. I became upset and went outside yelling about how could she treat me like this on MY WEDDING DAY! My grandfather came out and pretty much demanded I calm down because " it's just how she is " I had my first daughter at 23. At that point my willingness to tolerate nada changed. I insisted on only supervised contact and later was forced to limit contact to nada coming to my home. I had tried a few trips to nada's house but she pulled the " my house my rules " as a way to undermine me. After I limited contact to my house only she began to try harder to control my parenting/child in my own home. She would demand I give daughter things that were forbidden and when I refused sneak them behind my back. She behaved unforgivably bad on Christmas both years. When my daughter was 18 months old I had my 2nd daughter. Nada tried and tired to make me miserable while I was in labor and recovering. It resulted in her giving me a FOG filled ultimatum letter the first day I was home from the hospital. My 2nd daughter was 3 days old. That is the only time nada ever saw her. I tried one time, four months later, to speak to nada on the phone. Nada DEMANDED to see my kids. I calmly explained that can only happen if we come to an agreement on boundaries and stick to them. She raged worse than I have ever heard. She threatened to use the courts to get unsupervised visits with my kids. I hung up. She cried to family members and twisted my words. Agreeing to boundaries turned into me telling her that she must " walk a fine line in chalk " . My aunt who I had always trusted got involved. Aunt told me that I was being horrible to nada and that nada does have rights to me and my children. Aunt proceeded to blame all the problems on my dear husband. Now, I have NC with nada and all of nada's FOO (family of origin). I feel bad that there are some people who I have cut off that are able to see the truth but I cannot have people passing info to crazy aunt and crazy nada. I have limited contact with my father's side of the family as they are more understanding and will not get as involved. Do not feel bad about having NC. It is the safest and most healthy thing you can do. You can lean on us for the support you need. -- “I have a grip on reality, just not this particular one.”-- Author Unknown* * Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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