Re: Shared Characteristics of Adult Children of BPD

[Guest guest]

Certainly there can be gratitude. For me I am grateful for the strength and

knowledge I gained. I've learned to recognize dangerous people and am

strong enough most times to avoid or leave the situation. I don't know if I

would have these traits without being forced to learn them.

--

“I have a grip on reality, just not this particular one.”-- Author Unknown*

*

[Guest guest]

Certainly there can be gratitude. For me I am grateful for the strength and

knowledge I gained. I've learned to recognize dangerous people and am

strong enough most times to avoid or leave the situation. I don't know if I

would have these traits without being forced to learn them.

--

“I have a grip on reality, just not this particular one.”-- Author Unknown*

*

[Guest guest]

Certainly there can be gratitude. For me I am grateful for the strength and

knowledge I gained. I've learned to recognize dangerous people and am

strong enough most times to avoid or leave the situation. I don't know if I

would have these traits without being forced to learn them.

--

“I have a grip on reality, just not this particular one.”-- Author Unknown*

*

[Guest guest]

I have noticed that about the people on this site as well. I think it's good to

be thankful for the strengths you have gained, and being so does not discount

all the harm that was done to you. I feel that while my overanalyzing is

somewhat harmful to me in my personal life, it makes me a very thorough and good

medical provider- that gives me a lot of satisfaction. My T told me that of all

the mental issues I could have developed my being rasied by nada, my anxiety

disorder was perhaps the best to develop as at least it is somewhat controllable

and it allows me to do well professionally. I guess it's a cup 1/2 full way to

look at things.

>

> I wonder why adult kids of BPD parents are such likable people? Is this a

common characteristic among them/us or do I just feel comfortable here because I

belong and am finally understood?

>

> Adult children of alcoholics often learn to be caretakers. I know this breeds

co-dependency, but when balanced and healthy, can it turn into a good thing?

The people on this forum are creative, funny and incredibly intelligent. Also,

I notice that you respond to one another and me with genuine caring and concern.

>

> I wonder if there is a step after realization, after anger, after tears, after

boundaries, after acceptance, that I could call gratitude? Not like it was such

a picnic being raised in that home - but could I redeem a part of my past by

being thankful for the good things, at least, that it produced in me?

>

[Guest guest]

One of my earliest lessons, is make the adults happy for as long as

possible, and put off the inevitable chaos and screaming. Yes, we learn

to please. It makes us capable of great compassion and caring. But we

also have to develop and core of steel, and when that finally surfaces,

if it ever does, we are most apt to say to the hurting child in us, it

s ok, it s not your fault, but to the fleas, and flying monkeys, and

inner voices, and the manipulations of nada, a resounding F.......K

YOU!

Embrace your tender heart. But make sure you can access your steel

core.

Doug

>

> I wonder why adult kids of BPD parents are such likable people? Is

this a common characteristic among them/us or do I just feel comfortable

here because I belong and am finally understood?

>

> Adult children of alcoholics often learn to be caretakers. I know

this breeds co-dependency, but when balanced and healthy, can it turn

into a good thing? The people on this forum are creative, funny and

incredibly intelligent. Also, I notice that you respond to one another

and me with genuine caring and concern.

>

> I wonder if there is a step after realization, after anger, after

tears, after boundaries, after acceptance, that I could call gratitude?

Not like it was such a picnic being raised in that home - but could I

redeem a part of my past by being thankful for the good things, at

least, that it produced in me?

>

[Guest guest]

One of my earliest lessons, is make the adults happy for as long as

possible, and put off the inevitable chaos and screaming. Yes, we learn

to please. It makes us capable of great compassion and caring. But we

also have to develop and core of steel, and when that finally surfaces,

if it ever does, we are most apt to say to the hurting child in us, it

s ok, it s not your fault, but to the fleas, and flying monkeys, and

inner voices, and the manipulations of nada, a resounding F.......K

YOU!

Embrace your tender heart. But make sure you can access your steel

core.

Doug

>

> I wonder why adult kids of BPD parents are such likable people? Is

this a common characteristic among them/us or do I just feel comfortable

here because I belong and am finally understood?

>

> Adult children of alcoholics often learn to be caretakers. I know

this breeds co-dependency, but when balanced and healthy, can it turn

into a good thing? The people on this forum are creative, funny and

incredibly intelligent. Also, I notice that you respond to one another

and me with genuine caring and concern.

>

> I wonder if there is a step after realization, after anger, after

tears, after boundaries, after acceptance, that I could call gratitude?

Not like it was such a picnic being raised in that home - but could I

redeem a part of my past by being thankful for the good things, at

least, that it produced in me?

>

[Guest guest]

One of my earliest lessons, is make the adults happy for as long as

possible, and put off the inevitable chaos and screaming. Yes, we learn

to please. It makes us capable of great compassion and caring. But we

also have to develop and core of steel, and when that finally surfaces,

if it ever does, we are most apt to say to the hurting child in us, it

s ok, it s not your fault, but to the fleas, and flying monkeys, and

inner voices, and the manipulations of nada, a resounding F.......K

YOU!

Embrace your tender heart. But make sure you can access your steel

core.

Doug

>

> I wonder why adult kids of BPD parents are such likable people? Is

this a common characteristic among them/us or do I just feel comfortable

here because I belong and am finally understood?

>

> Adult children of alcoholics often learn to be caretakers. I know

this breeds co-dependency, but when balanced and healthy, can it turn

into a good thing? The people on this forum are creative, funny and

incredibly intelligent. Also, I notice that you respond to one another

and me with genuine caring and concern.

>

> I wonder if there is a step after realization, after anger, after

tears, after boundaries, after acceptance, that I could call gratitude?

Not like it was such a picnic being raised in that home - but could I

redeem a part of my past by being thankful for the good things, at

least, that it produced in me?

>

[Guest guest]

I think being raised in traumatic FOO situations forced us to become good

adapters and problem solvers. Its easier to play the peacemaker, to be

supportive than to try to take the lead. In my experience, the ones in charge

always caused the problems!

The world needs caretakers, and I'm proud to include that in my list of skills.

It is only when we care take to the point of denying our own needs that it is

becomes a bad trait.

>

> I wonder why adult kids of BPD parents are such likable people? Is this a

common characteristic among them/us or do I just feel comfortable here because I

belong and am finally understood?

>

> Adult children of alcoholics often learn to be caretakers. I know this breeds

co-dependency, but when balanced and healthy, can it turn into a good thing?

The people on this forum are creative, funny and incredibly intelligent. Also,

I notice that you respond to one another and me with genuine caring and concern.

>

> I wonder if there is a step after realization, after anger, after tears, after

boundaries, after acceptance, that I could call gratitude? Not like it was such

a picnic being raised in that home - but could I redeem a part of my past by

being thankful for the good things, at least, that it produced in me?

>

[Guest guest]

I think being raised in traumatic FOO situations forced us to become good

adapters and problem solvers. Its easier to play the peacemaker, to be

supportive than to try to take the lead. In my experience, the ones in charge

always caused the problems!

The world needs caretakers, and I'm proud to include that in my list of skills.

It is only when we care take to the point of denying our own needs that it is

becomes a bad trait.

>

> I wonder why adult kids of BPD parents are such likable people? Is this a

common characteristic among them/us or do I just feel comfortable here because I

belong and am finally understood?

>

> Adult children of alcoholics often learn to be caretakers. I know this breeds

co-dependency, but when balanced and healthy, can it turn into a good thing?

The people on this forum are creative, funny and incredibly intelligent. Also,

I notice that you respond to one another and me with genuine caring and concern.

>

> I wonder if there is a step after realization, after anger, after tears, after

boundaries, after acceptance, that I could call gratitude? Not like it was such

a picnic being raised in that home - but could I redeem a part of my past by

being thankful for the good things, at least, that it produced in me?

>

[Guest guest]

I think being raised in traumatic FOO situations forced us to become good

adapters and problem solvers. Its easier to play the peacemaker, to be

supportive than to try to take the lead. In my experience, the ones in charge

always caused the problems!

The world needs caretakers, and I'm proud to include that in my list of skills.

It is only when we care take to the point of denying our own needs that it is

becomes a bad trait.

>

> I wonder why adult kids of BPD parents are such likable people? Is this a

common characteristic among them/us or do I just feel comfortable here because I

belong and am finally understood?

>

> Adult children of alcoholics often learn to be caretakers. I know this breeds

co-dependency, but when balanced and healthy, can it turn into a good thing?

The people on this forum are creative, funny and incredibly intelligent. Also,

I notice that you respond to one another and me with genuine caring and concern.

>

> I wonder if there is a step after realization, after anger, after tears, after

boundaries, after acceptance, that I could call gratitude? Not like it was such

a picnic being raised in that home - but could I redeem a part of my past by

being thankful for the good things, at least, that it produced in me?

>

[Guest guest]

I am still trying to be aware of boundary violations and the negative self

criticism that goes on non stop when I revert back to a form of behavior. I have

this incredible need to be " perfect " in my recovery when it is a life long

learning process.

One thing I notice more now is the obvious and blatant boundary violations of my

Nada. Of course, I don't notice them at the time because they are so " normal " to

me but realize 2 days later and then of course diss myself because I didn't

notice before.

I was trying to find out about the history of abuse in order to help my

children. Pointless I know because of the no talk rule but i keep trying. My

nada proceeded to tell me why i married my kids' father. i didn't even notice

it. then reflecting back i thought how does she know " why " i married considering

we have such a shallow, meaningless relationship. i am an extension of her and

what she wants to believe. but damn she does it such an insidious way that i

don't even realize it. she believes in magic too. the majority of statements

begin with " i wish bla bla bla " . Never thinking that maybe she could do

something about it with her actions. UGH

Felicia Ward CPA

  " It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong

man

stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit

belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust

and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and

again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does

actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great

devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end

the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he

fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and

timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat. "

 

Subject: Re: Shared Characteristics of Adult Children of BPD

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Monday, November 15, 2010, 11:33 PM

 

One of my earliest lessons, is make the adults happy for as long as

possible, and put off the inevitable chaos and screaming. Yes, we learn

to please. It makes us capable of great compassion and caring. But we

also have to develop and core of steel, and when that finally surfaces,

if it ever does, we are most apt to say to the hurting child in us, it

s ok, it s not your fault, but to the fleas, and flying monkeys, and

inner voices, and the manipulations of nada, a resounding F.......K

YOU!

Embrace your tender heart. But make sure you can access your steel

core.

Doug

>

> I wonder why adult kids of BPD parents are such likable people? Is

this a common characteristic among them/us or do I just feel comfortable

here because I belong and am finally understood?

>

> Adult children of alcoholics often learn to be caretakers. I know

this breeds co-dependency, but when balanced and healthy, can it turn

into a good thing? The people on this forum are creative, funny and

incredibly intelligent. Also, I notice that you respond to one another

and me with genuine caring and concern.

>

> I wonder if there is a step after realization, after anger, after

tears, after boundaries, after acceptance, that I could call gratitude?

Not like it was such a picnic being raised in that home - but could I

redeem a part of my past by being thankful for the good things, at

least, that it produced in me?

>

[Guest guest]

I am still trying to be aware of boundary violations and the negative self

criticism that goes on non stop when I revert back to a form of behavior. I have

this incredible need to be " perfect " in my recovery when it is a life long

learning process.

One thing I notice more now is the obvious and blatant boundary violations of my

Nada. Of course, I don't notice them at the time because they are so " normal " to

me but realize 2 days later and then of course diss myself because I didn't

notice before.

I was trying to find out about the history of abuse in order to help my

children. Pointless I know because of the no talk rule but i keep trying. My

nada proceeded to tell me why i married my kids' father. i didn't even notice

it. then reflecting back i thought how does she know " why " i married considering

we have such a shallow, meaningless relationship. i am an extension of her and

what she wants to believe. but damn she does it such an insidious way that i

don't even realize it. she believes in magic too. the majority of statements

begin with " i wish bla bla bla " . Never thinking that maybe she could do

something about it with her actions. UGH

Felicia Ward CPA

  " It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong

man

stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit

belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust

and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and

again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does

actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great

devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end

the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he

fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and

timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat. "

 

Subject: Re: Shared Characteristics of Adult Children of BPD

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Monday, November 15, 2010, 11:33 PM

 

One of my earliest lessons, is make the adults happy for as long as

possible, and put off the inevitable chaos and screaming. Yes, we learn

to please. It makes us capable of great compassion and caring. But we

also have to develop and core of steel, and when that finally surfaces,

if it ever does, we are most apt to say to the hurting child in us, it

s ok, it s not your fault, but to the fleas, and flying monkeys, and

inner voices, and the manipulations of nada, a resounding F.......K

YOU!

Embrace your tender heart. But make sure you can access your steel

core.

Doug

>

> I wonder why adult kids of BPD parents are such likable people? Is

this a common characteristic among them/us or do I just feel comfortable

here because I belong and am finally understood?

>

> Adult children of alcoholics often learn to be caretakers. I know

this breeds co-dependency, but when balanced and healthy, can it turn

into a good thing? The people on this forum are creative, funny and

incredibly intelligent. Also, I notice that you respond to one another

and me with genuine caring and concern.

>

> I wonder if there is a step after realization, after anger, after

tears, after boundaries, after acceptance, that I could call gratitude?

Not like it was such a picnic being raised in that home - but could I

redeem a part of my past by being thankful for the good things, at

least, that it produced in me?

>

[Guest guest]

Talking with some other posters on another thread, I realized that one

characteristic I think many of us must share is a difficulty being fully present

during good times. Maybe it's just me (!) but I find that even when I'm happy,

part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop, you know? Like, " Okay, things

are going really well, so when is something really shitty going to happen? "

Obviously due to Mom's ever-shifting moods. She could be so loving and exciting

one minute, and you'd think it was going to last forever, because you finally

figured out how to be perfect and exactly what she wanted, and then Whammo! You

were awful again, for some reason you hadn't anticipated.

[Guest guest]

Talking with some other posters on another thread, I realized that one

characteristic I think many of us must share is a difficulty being fully present

during good times. Maybe it's just me (!) but I find that even when I'm happy,

part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop, you know? Like, " Okay, things

are going really well, so when is something really shitty going to happen? "

Obviously due to Mom's ever-shifting moods. She could be so loving and exciting

one minute, and you'd think it was going to last forever, because you finally

figured out how to be perfect and exactly what she wanted, and then Whammo! You

were awful again, for some reason you hadn't anticipated.

[Guest guest]

You've just described my " normal " , growing up. The shifting quagmire of nada's

emotional state, from moment to moment, or day to day.

My nada could trigger into a rage unexpectedly, but at the same time, she would

also go through cycles of mean/sweet behaviors, like the " cycle of domestic

violence " that usually pertains to violent husbands who batter their wives.

(Explosive, violent rage, then remorse/apology, then " honeymoon period " , then

build-up of irritation & fault-finding, then triggering incident, then

explosive, violent rage... over and over again.)

Its such a horrible disorder, and even more so because of the emotional damage

it inflicts on the children of such individuals.

-Annie

>

> Talking with some other posters on another thread, I realized that one

characteristic I think many of us must share is a difficulty being fully present

during good times. Maybe it's just me (!) but I find that even when I'm happy,

part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop, you know? Like, " Okay, things

are going really well, so when is something really shitty going to happen? "

>

> Obviously due to Mom's ever-shifting moods. She could be so loving and

exciting one minute, and you'd think it was going to last forever, because you

finally figured out how to be perfect and exactly what she wanted, and then

Whammo! You were awful again, for some reason you hadn't anticipated.

>

[Guest guest]

You've just described my " normal " , growing up. The shifting quagmire of nada's

emotional state, from moment to moment, or day to day.

My nada could trigger into a rage unexpectedly, but at the same time, she would

also go through cycles of mean/sweet behaviors, like the " cycle of domestic

violence " that usually pertains to violent husbands who batter their wives.

(Explosive, violent rage, then remorse/apology, then " honeymoon period " , then

build-up of irritation & fault-finding, then triggering incident, then

explosive, violent rage... over and over again.)

Its such a horrible disorder, and even more so because of the emotional damage

it inflicts on the children of such individuals.

-Annie

>

> Talking with some other posters on another thread, I realized that one

characteristic I think many of us must share is a difficulty being fully present

during good times. Maybe it's just me (!) but I find that even when I'm happy,

part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop, you know? Like, " Okay, things

are going really well, so when is something really shitty going to happen? "

>

> Obviously due to Mom's ever-shifting moods. She could be so loving and

exciting one minute, and you'd think it was going to last forever, because you

finally figured out how to be perfect and exactly what she wanted, and then

Whammo! You were awful again, for some reason you hadn't anticipated.

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, yes and yes again. Perfectly said.

>

> Talking with some other posters on another thread, I realized that one

characteristic I think many of us must share is a difficulty being fully present

during good times. Maybe it's just me (!) but I find that even when I'm happy,

part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop, you know? Like, " Okay, things

are going really well, so when is something really shitty going to happen? "

>

> Obviously due to Mom's ever-shifting moods. She could be so loving and

exciting one minute, and you'd think it was going to last forever, because you

finally figured out how to be perfect and exactly what she wanted, and then

Whammo! You were awful again, for some reason you hadn't anticipated.

>

[Guest guest]

Absolutely!! This is very hard to overcome. I can never fully enjoy things,

always expecting it to change. I just keep feeling that nothing good can last

forever.

Casey

>

> >

> > Talking with some other posters on another thread, I realized that one

characteristic I think many of us must share is a difficulty being fully present

during good times. Maybe it's just me (!) but I find that even when I'm happy,

part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop, you know? Like, " Okay, things

are going really well, so when is something really shitty going to happen? "

> >

> > Obviously due to Mom's ever-shifting moods. She could be so loving and

exciting one minute, and you'd think it was going to last forever, because you

finally figured out how to be perfect and exactly what she wanted, and then

Whammo! You were awful again, for some reason you hadn't anticipated.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Exactly.

This is intensified for me right now because I have withdrawn from nada

emotionally and am not playing her games. I wonder what she's going to do next?

I wish she would just leave me alone.

This feeds into other areas of my life, especially the perfectionism. It's

killing me, all this trying to be perfect stuff.

Great post.

>

> Talking with some other posters on another thread, I realized that one

characteristic I think many of us must share is a difficulty being fully present

during good times. Maybe it's just me (!) but I find that even when I'm happy,

part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop, you know? Like, " Okay, things

are going really well, so when is something really shitty going to happen? "

>

> Obviously due to Mom's ever-shifting moods. She could be so loving and

exciting one minute, and you'd think it was going to last forever, because you

finally figured out how to be perfect and exactly what she wanted, and then

Whammo! You were awful again, for some reason you hadn't anticipated.

>

[Guest guest]

And I notice this pattern in my marraige. Is it because my husband is an adult

child of an alcoholic? Or am I BPD and doing this to him? Or maybe we just

have normal cycles of up and down like any relationship.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT NORMAL IS!

Where do I find " normal " people to ask them? :-)

>

> You've just described my " normal " , growing up. The shifting quagmire of

nada's emotional state, from moment to moment, or day to day.

>

> My nada could trigger into a rage unexpectedly, but at the same time, she

would also go through cycles of mean/sweet behaviors, like the " cycle of

domestic violence " that usually pertains to violent husbands who batter their

wives. (Explosive, violent rage, then remorse/apology, then " honeymoon period " ,

then build-up of irritation & fault-finding, then triggering incident, then

explosive, violent rage... over and over again.)

>

> Its such a horrible disorder, and even more so because of the emotional damage

it inflicts on the children of such individuals.

>

> -Annie

>

>

[Guest guest]

Maybe we're just so nice because we're trying so hard not to be like our

parents!

I'd actually wager that there are probably a ton of adult children of BPD who

are jerks and drama queens because they don't fully realize that the way they

were raised was abnormal, so they just carry on with the status quo. You're not

likely to join an online group like this unless you're trying to understand what

went wrong in your family and make a change, so the people here are the ones who

get that the way they lived with their borderline family member was not normal

and not okay. And because we understand that, maybe we're extra conscious of how

we treat other people.

[Guest guest]

I don't know: where *do* all the " normal " people hang out? All I know is that

I've always liked the piece that starts with " Love is patient, love is kind... "

as a lovely definition of what love is or ought to be:

" Love is patient, Love is kind.

It does not envy, it does not boast,

It is not proud. It is not rude,

It is not self-seeking,

It is not easily angered;

It keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil,

but rejoices with the truth.

Love always protects, always trusts,

always hopes, always perseveres.

Love bears all things, believes all things,

hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never ends. "

To me, it would be wanting your SO's happiness more than you want your own,

because seeing your beloved happy gives you joy. Of course, this only works if

both individuals in the relationship are on the same page, so to speak, and want

the same thing: the happiness of the other. (This ideal is beautifully

illustrated by O. Henry's short story, " The Gift of the Magi " , which also makes

for a sweet Christmas story.)

However, the " bearing all things, believing all things, hoping all things, and

enduring all things " part isn't very wise or healthy if you're trying to " bear

all things " flung at you by a mentally ill person who either genuinely wants to

hurt you or is completely oblivious that his or her behaviors are dysregulated,

abnormal and harmful. Then you have to adopt a more practical, self-protective

mind-set.

" Normal " just means " everyday " or " typical " or " expected " ; I much prefer the

term " mentally healthy " to " normal. "

-Annie

> >

> > You've just described my " normal " , growing up. The shifting quagmire of

nada's emotional state, from moment to moment, or day to day.

> >

> > My nada could trigger into a rage unexpectedly, but at the same time, she

would also go through cycles of mean/sweet behaviors, like the " cycle of

domestic violence " that usually pertains to violent husbands who batter their

wives. (Explosive, violent rage, then remorse/apology, then " honeymoon period " ,

then build-up of irritation & fault-finding, then triggering incident, then

explosive, violent rage... over and over again.)

> >

> > Its such a horrible disorder, and even more so because of the emotional

damage it inflicts on the children of such individuals.

> >

> > -Annie

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

The " Love is patient... " was a reading at my wedding and is also a

crossstich framed on my wall!!

I completely agree that this only works in a loving relationship if it goes

both ways. Particularly, " Love is kind " . BOTH people need to be kind to

each other.

--

“I have a grip on reality, just not this particular one.”-- Author Unknown*

*

[Guest guest]

I agree with Psyclone and yes I do think we tend to bend over backwards and even

sideways to make people happy in our lives because our nadas taught us to be

that way. We want to please everyone and in the process we end up not pleasing

ourselves. We come last. We are extremely hard on ourselves and nothing we do

we think is 'good enough' - again nada's influence early in our life.

I also think that we often subconsciously choose men who are controlling,

manipulative, needy, passive-aggressive, abusive in subtle or not so subtle ways

and otherwise twisted because these are some if not all of the traits our nada

had/has and we feel comfortable with it. I know it was so with me in the past

but now I look for these traits in a man I date and if I see them, I run the

other way. It took me a long time to come to that point. Now that I have, I am

sure that I WILL find Mr. Right and I will at last have a healthy, loving

relationship that I deserve.

You are not responsible for anyone else's behaviors except your own. You did

not create any of it.

[Guest guest]

My experience has been different I think.

When I was younger, I was not likeable. I had many BDP traits I beleive (fleas

of course). I was NOT easily likeable and attracted other " damaged " people into

my life. We fed off each other in a very negative way.

Now. Things are much different. I can have a friendship with someone and not

feel like I have to be their one and only friend. I don't feel that push and

pull of jealousy and anger. I also don't sacrifice myself for them anymore.

There was a time that I would give my all to a relationship. I think I was

desperate for their approval.

Now that I have some life experience, and some self

respect/appreciation/confidence things are much much different. I'm able to set

and keep boundaries and I can more easily see when I'm being " led " .

I still have moments of " why does this person like me, I'm not likeable..... "

But I try to stomp them into nothingness. Lots of positive self talk.

I think this whole experience is a journey in learning. On one hand I'm angry at

the upbringing that I have had, on the other I'm almost thankful as it's made me

into a hella strong woman. I've been down that dark dark path and came out

alive.