Re: Shared Characteristics of Adult Children of BPD

November 18, 2010

Good point. All we have to do is look at our siblings in many cases to see

these people who are still in denial and raging at their own children. I have a

sibling who is very religious and tries to be very nice. But he is frustrated

and angry almost all the time. I don't even think he realizes how pervasive his

irritation is. It is so hard to let the cousins visit because his kids are

" perfect " and don't get disciplined. My kids are always the " bad " ones. Just

like me. ;-( Funny thing, though, breaking the family mold is working out

pretty well for me. :-)

I'm just SO glad this board exists. I'm on a break from work and school right

now, so I am using some of this time to look into my past and my cognitive

distortions. This support group is a lifeline.

>

> Maybe we're just so nice because we're trying so hard not to be like our

parents!

>

> I'd actually wager that there are probably a ton of adult children of BPD who

are jerks and drama queens because they don't fully realize that the way they

were raised was abnormal, so they just carry on with the status quo. You're not

likely to join an online group like this unless you're trying to understand what

went wrong in your family and make a change, so the people here are the ones who

get that the way they lived with their borderline family member was not normal

and not okay. And because we understand that, maybe we're extra conscious of how

we treat other people.

>

November 18, 2010

I just looked up " The Gift of the Magi " . I will see if they have it at my local

library in a book or movie. Thank you.

I cried as I read " Love is patient... " . Partly because this is so certainly NOT

what my nada did and because I know in my heart that this is what I want to be

more than anything else - kind and sweet to my children and husband. (people

who appreciate it and are not disordered)

THANK YOU.

p.s. The term nada has helped me so much. I hated calling her " mom " . I just

changed her name to the appropriate " nada " in my phone address book. That feels

much better. (And not in an angry way - it just works.)

>

> I don't know: where *do* all the " normal " people hang out? All I know is that

I've always liked the piece that starts with " Love is patient, love is kind... "

as a lovely definition of what love is or ought to be:

>

> " Love is patient, Love is kind.

> It does not envy, it does not boast,

> It is not proud. It is not rude,

> It is not self-seeking,

> It is not easily angered;

> It keeps no record of wrongs.

>

> Love does not delight in evil,

> but rejoices with the truth.

>

> Love always protects, always trusts,

> always hopes, always perseveres.

>

> Love bears all things, believes all things,

> hopes all things, endures all things.

>

> Love never ends. "

>

> To me, it would be wanting your SO's happiness more than you want your own,

because seeing your beloved happy gives you joy. Of course, this only works if

both individuals in the relationship are on the same page, so to speak, and want

the same thing: the happiness of the other. (This ideal is beautifully

illustrated by O. Henry's short story, " The Gift of the Magi " , which also makes

for a sweet Christmas story.)

>

> However, the " bearing all things, believing all things, hoping all things, and

enduring all things " part isn't very wise or healthy if you're trying to " bear

all things " flung at you by a mentally ill person who either genuinely wants to

hurt you or is completely oblivious that his or her behaviors are dysregulated,

abnormal and harmful. Then you have to adopt a more practical, self-protective

mind-set.

>

> " Normal " just means " everyday " or " typical " or " expected " ; I much prefer the

term " mentally healthy " to " normal. "

>

> -Annie

>

November 18, 2010

" I'd actually wager that there are probably a ton of adult children of BPD who

are jerks and drama queens "

So you've met my brother and sister, eh?

>

> Maybe we're just so nice because we're trying so hard not to be like our

parents!

>

> I'd actually wager that there are probably a ton of adult children of BPD who

are jerks and drama queens because they don't fully realize that the way they

were raised was abnormal, so they just carry on with the status quo. You're not

likely to join an online group like this unless you're trying to understand what

went wrong in your family and make a change, so the people here are the ones who

get that the way they lived with their borderline family member was not normal

and not okay. And because we understand that, maybe we're extra conscious of how

we treat other people.

>

November 18, 2010

" I'd actually wager that there are probably a ton of adult children of BPD who

are jerks and drama queens "

So you've met my brother and sister, eh?

>

> Maybe we're just so nice because we're trying so hard not to be like our

parents!

>

> I'd actually wager that there are probably a ton of adult children of BPD who

are jerks and drama queens because they don't fully realize that the way they

were raised was abnormal, so they just carry on with the status quo. You're not

likely to join an online group like this unless you're trying to understand what

went wrong in your family and make a change, so the people here are the ones who

get that the way they lived with their borderline family member was not normal

and not okay. And because we understand that, maybe we're extra conscious of how

we treat other people.

>

November 18, 2010

" I'd actually wager that there are probably a ton of adult children of BPD who

are jerks and drama queens "

So you've met my brother and sister, eh?

>

> Maybe we're just so nice because we're trying so hard not to be like our

parents!

>

> I'd actually wager that there are probably a ton of adult children of BPD who

are jerks and drama queens because they don't fully realize that the way they

were raised was abnormal, so they just carry on with the status quo. You're not

likely to join an online group like this unless you're trying to understand what

went wrong in your family and make a change, so the people here are the ones who

get that the way they lived with their borderline family member was not normal

and not okay. And because we understand that, maybe we're extra conscious of how

we treat other people.

>

November 18, 2010

1Corinthians 13:4-8 is where it originated.Â Bible does have some very loving

and kind things in it.Â We were never meant to be self-righteous and judgmental

like so many " religious " people are.Â We were meant to first love God (triune

God) and next to love our neighbor and if we manage to do that we are covering

it all.Â It's just too simple for some people who have no personal relationship

with Christ, have never experienced the loving, precious touch of the Holy

Spirit, and when they pray they probably just ask for things instead of asking

God to help them be more like Jesus and less like themselves.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Thu, November 18, 2010 7:22:05 AM

Subject: Re: Re: Shared Characteristics of Adult Children of

BPD

The " Love is patient... " was a reading at my wedding and is also a

crossstich framed on my wall!!

I completely agree that this only works in a loving relationship if it goes

both ways.Â Particularly, " Love is kind " .Â BOTH people need to be kind to

each other.

--

â€œI have a grip on reality, just not this particular one.â€-- Author Unknown*

*

November 18, 2010