Please tell this is NORMAL!!!

[Guest guest]

I work really hard in therapy and I want so much for my life to be better, but

do you ever feel like sometimes you depend on therapy or your therapist too

much?

Last week my therapist asked me to tell her one positive thing about my

childhood. I sat there for about 5 straight minutes in dead silence and then I

just burst out crying. She gets out of her chair (she generally sits directly

across from me..me on the couch and her in her chair) and sits next to me and

puts her arm around me. She actually pulls me very close to her -- not in a

creepy way, but a very loving, motherly way -- and I cried on her shoulder for

probably 20 minutes. I felt like I was four years old, but I could not stop

crying. She kept saying, " It's okay..you're okay... " while she was rubbing my

hair. And while it felt really good, it also felt very sad to me.... Why do I

need this from my therapist?

When I finally stopped crying, I had an anxiety attack (freaking fantastic).

She kept telling me it was okay, that it needed to happen and it was all right,

but I kept worrying she's going to think I'm too needy and I found myself

waiting for her to say something negative to me like I was acting stupid or I

needed to grow up.

She told me those were all the old tapes I was taught...that when I was little,

the message was that it wasn't okay to cry or have emotion or even have someone

hold me when I cried because my feelings were never validated in any way.

Of course, I come home and now don't see her for 2 weeks because of Thanksgiving

so I'm rehashing it in my mind. She even sent me an email that said, " It's okay

...don't overthink it. It was a GOOD session. " Ahh, she knows me too well.

I didn't even want to respond to the email because I don't want her to feel

overwhelmed by me.

I'm nervous to go back next week and thinking about canceling. I don't want her

to think I'm an immature child. Not that she does, but, well, I don't know what

I think. I don't know why I feel like this!!! Ugh!!! Is this normal?

[Guest guest]

Yes, it is normal!

I bet your therapist feels honored that you trusted her enough to cry in front

of her and accept her comfort; that is a great, huge step for you and it also

reflects that she is a good therapist! This is what she is trained to do, and

you guys are in a way, a team. There is nothing to feel embarrassed about at

all. Would you feel embarrassed if you winced and cried a little as a broken

leg was being set? Of course not. It hurts! Yet, we all seem to feel somewhat

shy and embarrassed about admitting that our psyche has been wounded.

There is a dynamic called " transference " that involves learning to trust your

therapist so that she can help you, but if your therapist is well-trained and

experienced she will know how to not let your trust become dependence on her,

and she will guide you into becoming trusting of yourself. Its all part of the

healing process.

So, please don't be anxious, or embarrassed. Instead, be proud and even

grateful that you have the capacity and the courage to go through these

gut-wrenching but cleansing sessions, and are now healing.

-Annie

>

>

> I work really hard in therapy and I want so much for my life to be better, but

do you ever feel like sometimes you depend on therapy or your therapist too

much?

>

> Last week my therapist asked me to tell her one positive thing about my

childhood. I sat there for about 5 straight minutes in dead silence and then I

just burst out crying. She gets out of her chair (she generally sits directly

across from me..me on the couch and her in her chair) and sits next to me and

puts her arm around me. She actually pulls me very close to her -- not in a

creepy way, but a very loving, motherly way -- and I cried on her shoulder for

probably 20 minutes. I felt like I was four years old, but I could not stop

crying. She kept saying, " It's okay..you're okay... " while she was rubbing my

hair. And while it felt really good, it also felt very sad to me.... Why do I

need this from my therapist?

>

> When I finally stopped crying, I had an anxiety attack (freaking fantastic).

She kept telling me it was okay, that it needed to happen and it was all right,

but I kept worrying she's going to think I'm too needy and I found myself

waiting for her to say something negative to me like I was acting stupid or I

needed to grow up.

>

> She told me those were all the old tapes I was taught...that when I was

little, the message was that it wasn't okay to cry or have emotion or even have

someone hold me when I cried because my feelings were never validated in any

way.

>

> Of course, I come home and now don't see her for 2 weeks because of

Thanksgiving so I'm rehashing it in my mind. She even sent me an email that

said, " It's okay ...don't overthink it. It was a GOOD session. " Ahh, she

knows me too well. I didn't even want to respond to the email because I don't

want her to feel overwhelmed by me.

>

> I'm nervous to go back next week and thinking about canceling. I don't want

her to think I'm an immature child. Not that she does, but, well, I don't know

what I think. I don't know why I feel like this!!! Ugh!!! Is this normal?

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

>

>

And while it felt really good, it also felt very sad to me.... Why do I need

this from my therapist?

You needed it from your mother, but she didn't give it to you. Your therapist

is going to act as a parent to you for a little while, teaching you the skills

your own parents didn't give you, until you are able to regulate those things on

your own and don't need her anymore.

>

> When I finally stopped crying, I had an anxiety attack (freaking fantastic).

She kept telling me it was okay, that it needed to happen and it was all right,

but I kept worrying she's going to think I'm too needy and I found myself

waiting for her to say something negative to me like I was acting stupid or I

needed to grow up.

>

> She told me those were all the old tapes I was taught...that when I was

little, the message was that it wasn't okay to cry or have emotion or even have

someone hold me when I cried because my feelings were never validated in any

way.

>

Your therapist is right; the expectations you had about getting in trouble are

what you learned from your FOO. Feelings are feelings...everyone has them,

everyone gets sad and overwhelmed sometimes, and everyone needs to cry. Your

therapist seems to want to help you understand that you do not need to feel

ashamed about your feelings. It is not wrong to feel.

> Of course, I come home and now don't see her for 2 weeks because of

Thanksgiving so I'm rehashing it in my mind. She even sent me an email that

said, " It's okay ...don't overthink it. It was a GOOD session. " Ahh, she

knows me too well. I didn't even want to respond to the email because I don't

want her to feel overwhelmed by me.

>

Your therapist does this for a living. She has already helped a lot of people

through similar feelings, and probably many who felt more overwhelmed than you.

Do you really believe you are capable of overwhelming her--or is that a

projection message that your FOO taught you that you need to challenge and

replace?

> I'm nervous to go back next week and thinking about canceling.

I hope you will stick with it. You are just beginning to make a breakthrough,

believe it or not. It would be unfortunate if you decided to give up now. It's

hard work to fight through such hard emotions, but it's worth it!

> I don't want her to think I'm an immature child. Not that she does, but,

well, I don't know what I think. I don't know why I feel like this!!!

Ugh!!! Is this normal?

>

I think it is normal for people who need the approval of their parent (like us

KOs) to be worried about whether their surrogate-parent figure (like our

therapists) is judging them. I would wager from what you've written that your

therapist is able to see the situation from a detached and objective

perspective. The words " immature child " are coming from the " tapes " you were

taught to play in your head by your FOO, just like she said. If you will

continue to let her work with you, you will learn to stop playing those tapes

and play new, positive ones instead.

It will get easier if you stick with it.

Another , who has been there and come out stronger.

[Guest guest]

Its part of the healing process. In fact she would likely tell you that you've

had a breakthrough.

It really sounds like you've been programmed to discount your needs. You have

squashed your own needs to take care of everyone else.

Its OK to respond to the e-mail. Maybe just something short, like a " thanks,

I'll try to not overthink it " (I overthink everything, I think its a flea).

The other day I was sitting and trying to think of some nice memories from

childhood. I got really sad when I couldn't think of any.

>

>

> I work really hard in therapy and I want so much for my life to be better, but

do you ever feel like sometimes you depend on therapy or your therapist too

much?

>

> Last week my therapist asked me to tell her one positive thing about my

childhood. I sat there for about 5 straight minutes in dead silence and then I

just burst out crying. She gets out of her chair (she generally sits directly

across from me..me on the couch and her in her chair) and sits next to me and

puts her arm around me. She actually pulls me very close to her -- not in a

creepy way, but a very loving, motherly way -- and I cried on her shoulder for

probably 20 minutes. I felt like I was four years old, but I could not stop

crying. She kept saying, " It's okay..you're okay... " while she was rubbing my

hair. And while it felt really good, it also felt very sad to me.... Why do I

need this from my therapist?

>

> When I finally stopped crying, I had an anxiety attack (freaking fantastic).

She kept telling me it was okay, that it needed to happen and it was all right,

but I kept worrying she's going to think I'm too needy and I found myself

waiting for her to say something negative to me like I was acting stupid or I

needed to grow up.

>

> She told me those were all the old tapes I was taught...that when I was

little, the message was that it wasn't okay to cry or have emotion or even have

someone hold me when I cried because my feelings were never validated in any

way.

>

> Of course, I come home and now don't see her for 2 weeks because of

Thanksgiving so I'm rehashing it in my mind. She even sent me an email that

said, " It's okay ...don't overthink it. It was a GOOD session. " Ahh, she

knows me too well. I didn't even want to respond to the email because I don't

want her to feel overwhelmed by me.

>

> I'm nervous to go back next week and thinking about canceling. I don't want

her to think I'm an immature child. Not that she does, but, well, I don't know

what I think. I don't know why I feel like this!!! Ugh!!! Is this normal?

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you for your responses. I know when I was little, I was never given any

comfort from any adult. I had some physical things going on and anytime I cried

my dad would scream at me and my mother would tell me how stupid I was being.

I remember one time when I was about 10 years old, a friend came over and she

was sitting in a rocking chair in the living room. Well, she told me to come

sit with her and I did and I looked over and my dad was rolling his eyes and

laughing at me because I was 10 and sitting in this woman's lap.

I felt so stupid and I wanted those interactions but never got them and now it

just feels weird to even have someone hug me.

[Guest guest]

I was just sitting there the whole time thinking I need to grow up and stop

acting like such a 2 year old. I know she didnt feel I was though and that

helped, but for the most part, I dont feel like I really accepted her comfort

because in my head I was too busy judging myself for being a whiney baby and not

a self reliant, self confident adult. She said it needed to happen and it was a

GOOD thing. I just have to believe that.

Re: Please tell this is NORMAL!!!

Yes, it is normal!

I bet your therapist feels honored that you trusted her enough to cry in front

of her and accept her comfort; that is a great, huge step for you and it also

reflects that she is a good therapist! This is what she is trained to do, and

you guys are in a way, a team. There is nothing to feel embarrassed about at

all. Would you feel embarrassed if you winced and cried a little as a broken leg

was being set? Of course not. It hurts! Yet, we all seem to feel somewhat shy

and embarrassed about admitting that our psyche has been wounded.

There is a dynamic called " transference " that involves learning to trust your

therapist so that she can help you, but if your therapist is well-trained and

experienced she will know how to not let your trust become dependence on her,

and she will guide you into becoming trusting of yourself. Its all part of the

healing process.

So, please don't be anxious, or embarrassed. Instead, be proud and even grateful

that you have the capacity and the courage to go through these gut-wrenching but

cleansing sessions, and are now healing.

-Annie

>

>

> I work really hard in therapy and I want so much for my life to be better, but

do you ever feel like sometimes you depend on therapy or your therapist too

much?

>

> Last week my therapist asked me to tell her one positive thing about my

childhood. I sat there for about 5 straight minutes in dead silence and then I

just burst out crying. She gets out of her chair (she generally sits directly

across from me..me on the couch and her in her chair) and sits next to me and

puts her arm around me. She actually pulls me very close to her -- not in a

creepy way, but a very loving, motherly way -- and I cried on her shoulder for

probably 20 minutes. I felt like I was four years old, but I could not stop

crying. She kept saying, " It's okay..you're okay... " while she was rubbing my

hair. And while it felt really good, it also felt very sad to me.... Why do I

need this from my therapist?

>

> When I finally stopped crying, I had an anxiety attack (freaking fantastic).

She kept telling me it was okay, that it needed to happen and it was all right,

but I kept worrying she's going to think I'm too needy and I found myself

waiting for her to say something negative to me like I was acting stupid or I

needed to grow up.

>

> She told me those were all the old tapes I was taught...that when I was

little, the message was that it wasn't okay to cry or have emotion or even have

someone hold me when I cried because my feelings were never validated in any

way.

>

> Of course, I come home and now don't see her for 2 weeks because of

Thanksgiving so I'm rehashing it in my mind. She even sent me an email that

said, " It's okay ...don't overthink it. It was a GOOD session. " Ahh, she

knows me too well. I didn't even want to respond to the email because I don't

want her to feel overwhelmed by me.

>

> I'm nervous to go back next week and thinking about canceling. I don't want

her to think I'm an immature child. Not that she does, but, well, I don't know

what I think. I don't know why I feel like this!!! Ugh!!! Is this normal?

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I know what you mean - I remember visiting an uncle who had a new wife I hadnt

met before. We were all walking through the city and she held my hand and talked

to me as we walked - as if she actually enjoyed my company. I was 12, and

totally blown away. It took at least 5 minutes for me to relax and just go with

it.

I kept waiting for my nada behind me to pull my had away or say something nasty.

Its still one of the most lovely memories of my childhood.

Or course as soon as we left, nada went nuts at me for allowing this lady suck

up to me and try and look like a nice person, and that she was really a horrid

piece of work who was just trying to weasel into the family. At least by then I

was old enough to think that she *might* be wrong.

>

>

> Thank you for your responses. I know when I was little, I was never given any

comfort from any adult. I had some physical things going on and anytime I cried

my dad would scream at me and my mother would tell me how stupid I was being.

>

> I remember one time when I was about 10 years old, a friend came over and she

was sitting in a rocking chair in the living room. Well, she told me to come

sit with her and I did and I looked over and my dad was rolling his eyes and

laughing at me because I was 10 and sitting in this woman's lap.

>

> I felt so stupid and I wanted those interactions but never got them and now it

just feels weird to even have someone hug me.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I know what you mean - I remember visiting an uncle who had a new wife I hadnt

met before. We were all walking through the city and she held my hand and talked

to me as we walked - as if she actually enjoyed my company. I was 12, and

totally blown away. It took at least 5 minutes for me to relax and just go with

it.

I kept waiting for my nada behind me to pull my had away or say something nasty.

Its still one of the most lovely memories of my childhood.

Or course as soon as we left, nada went nuts at me for allowing this lady suck

up to me and try and look like a nice person, and that she was really a horrid

piece of work who was just trying to weasel into the family. At least by then I

was old enough to think that she *might* be wrong.

>

>

> Thank you for your responses. I know when I was little, I was never given any

comfort from any adult. I had some physical things going on and anytime I cried

my dad would scream at me and my mother would tell me how stupid I was being.

>

> I remember one time when I was about 10 years old, a friend came over and she

was sitting in a rocking chair in the living room. Well, she told me to come

sit with her and I did and I looked over and my dad was rolling his eyes and

laughing at me because I was 10 and sitting in this woman's lap.

>

> I felt so stupid and I wanted those interactions but never got them and now it

just feels weird to even have someone hug me.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I have to say that now I realize why I never liked hugging my mother. That was

really rare anyway. I can't even remember one. But I'm sure it happened as I

kinda feel " ick " thinking about it.

I'm not an affectionate person and am always shocked when friends want a hug.

I'm very affectionate with my kids. They are always getting hugs and kisses and

even demand them from me if I'm going somewhere and have forgotten to give them

out.

Whats really adorable is that my girls hug and kiss before mu eldest goes out to

school.

>

>

> Thank you for your responses. I know when I was little, I was never given any

comfort from any adult. I had some physical things going on and anytime I cried

my dad would scream at me and my mother would tell me how stupid I was being.

>

> I remember one time when I was about 10 years old, a friend came over and she

was sitting in a rocking chair in the living room. Well, she told me to come

sit with her and I did and I looked over and my dad was rolling his eyes and

laughing at me because I was 10 and sitting in this woman's lap.

>

> I felt so stupid and I wanted those interactions but never got them and now it

just feels weird to even have someone hug me.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I have to say that now I realize why I never liked hugging my mother. That was

really rare anyway. I can't even remember one. But I'm sure it happened as I

kinda feel " ick " thinking about it.

I'm not an affectionate person and am always shocked when friends want a hug.

I'm very affectionate with my kids. They are always getting hugs and kisses and

even demand them from me if I'm going somewhere and have forgotten to give them

out.

Whats really adorable is that my girls hug and kiss before mu eldest goes out to

school.

>

>

> Thank you for your responses. I know when I was little, I was never given any

comfort from any adult. I had some physical things going on and anytime I cried

my dad would scream at me and my mother would tell me how stupid I was being.

>

> I remember one time when I was about 10 years old, a friend came over and she

was sitting in a rocking chair in the living room. Well, she told me to come

sit with her and I did and I looked over and my dad was rolling his eyes and

laughing at me because I was 10 and sitting in this woman's lap.

>

> I felt so stupid and I wanted those interactions but never got them and now it

just feels weird to even have someone hug me.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

My kids are pretty affectionate too. I huge them and kiss them, though,

probably not as much as a lot of parents do. I am not overly affectionate with

my husband either.

Remember when you're in high school and your girlfriends all want to hug you? I

hated it. I wouldn't know where to put my arms and I'd just stand there looking

stupid with my arms at my side while they hugged me.

I can remember looking over at my mother if someone were to hug me and she'd

have this 'oh brother' look on her face. A smirk I can't quite explain. A look

like, " They're hugging YOU? OH Puhlease! " And when they left she might even

make some catty comment. I just always felt so much like an outsider in my own

family.

Re: Please tell this is NORMAL!!!

I have to say that now I realize why I never liked hugging my mother. That was

really rare anyway. I can't even remember one. But I'm sure it happened as I

kinda feel " ick " thinking about it.

I'm not an affectionate person and am always shocked when friends want a hug.

I'm very affectionate with my kids. They are always getting hugs and kisses and

even demand them from me if I'm going somewhere and have forgotten to give them

out.

Whats really adorable is that my girls hug and kiss before mu eldest goes out to

school.

>

>

> Thank you for your responses. I know when I was little, I was never given any

comfort from any adult. I had some physical things going on and anytime I cried

my dad would scream at me and my mother would tell me how stupid I was being.

>

> I remember one time when I was about 10 years old, a friend came over and she

was sitting in a rocking chair in the living room. Well, she told me to come sit

with her and I did and I looked over and my dad was rolling his eyes and

laughing at me because I was 10 and sitting in this woman's lap.

>

> I felt so stupid and I wanted those interactions but never got them and now it

just feels weird to even have someone hug me.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

My kids are pretty affectionate too. I huge them and kiss them, though,

probably not as much as a lot of parents do. I am not overly affectionate with

my husband either.

Remember when you're in high school and your girlfriends all want to hug you? I

hated it. I wouldn't know where to put my arms and I'd just stand there looking

stupid with my arms at my side while they hugged me.

I can remember looking over at my mother if someone were to hug me and she'd

have this 'oh brother' look on her face. A smirk I can't quite explain. A look

like, " They're hugging YOU? OH Puhlease! " And when they left she might even

make some catty comment. I just always felt so much like an outsider in my own

family.

Re: Please tell this is NORMAL!!!

I have to say that now I realize why I never liked hugging my mother. That was

really rare anyway. I can't even remember one. But I'm sure it happened as I

kinda feel " ick " thinking about it.

I'm not an affectionate person and am always shocked when friends want a hug.

I'm very affectionate with my kids. They are always getting hugs and kisses and

even demand them from me if I'm going somewhere and have forgotten to give them

out.

Whats really adorable is that my girls hug and kiss before mu eldest goes out to

school.

>

>

> Thank you for your responses. I know when I was little, I was never given any

comfort from any adult. I had some physical things going on and anytime I cried

my dad would scream at me and my mother would tell me how stupid I was being.

>

> I remember one time when I was about 10 years old, a friend came over and she

was sitting in a rocking chair in the living room. Well, she told me to come sit

with her and I did and I looked over and my dad was rolling his eyes and

laughing at me because I was 10 and sitting in this woman's lap.

>

> I felt so stupid and I wanted those interactions but never got them and now it

just feels weird to even have someone hug me.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

My kids are pretty affectionate too. I huge them and kiss them, though,

probably not as much as a lot of parents do. I am not overly affectionate with

my husband either.

Remember when you're in high school and your girlfriends all want to hug you? I

hated it. I wouldn't know where to put my arms and I'd just stand there looking

stupid with my arms at my side while they hugged me.

I can remember looking over at my mother if someone were to hug me and she'd

have this 'oh brother' look on her face. A smirk I can't quite explain. A look

like, " They're hugging YOU? OH Puhlease! " And when they left she might even

make some catty comment. I just always felt so much like an outsider in my own

family.

Re: Please tell this is NORMAL!!!

I have to say that now I realize why I never liked hugging my mother. That was

really rare anyway. I can't even remember one. But I'm sure it happened as I

kinda feel " ick " thinking about it.

I'm not an affectionate person and am always shocked when friends want a hug.

I'm very affectionate with my kids. They are always getting hugs and kisses and

even demand them from me if I'm going somewhere and have forgotten to give them

out.

Whats really adorable is that my girls hug and kiss before mu eldest goes out to

school.

>

>

> Thank you for your responses. I know when I was little, I was never given any

comfort from any adult. I had some physical things going on and anytime I cried

my dad would scream at me and my mother would tell me how stupid I was being.

>

> I remember one time when I was about 10 years old, a friend came over and she

was sitting in a rocking chair in the living room. Well, she told me to come sit

with her and I did and I looked over and my dad was rolling his eyes and

laughing at me because I was 10 and sitting in this woman's lap.

>

> I felt so stupid and I wanted those interactions but never got them and now it

just feels weird to even have someone hug me.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

This is a sweet story; thanks for sharing.

We can be thankful for those few kind souls who showed us what love looks like.

It gives us some memories and a pattern to follow.

>

> I know what you mean - I remember visiting an uncle who had a new wife I hadnt

met before. We were all walking through the city and she held my hand and talked

to me as we walked - as if she actually enjoyed my company. I was 12, and

totally blown away. It took at least 5 minutes for me to relax and just go with

it.

>

> I kept waiting for my nada behind me to pull my had away or say something

nasty. Its still one of the most lovely memories of my childhood.

>

> Or course as soon as we left, nada went nuts at me for allowing this lady suck

up to me and try and look like a nice person, and that she was really a horrid

piece of work who was just trying to weasel into the family. At least by then I

was old enough to think that she *might* be wrong.

>

>

[Guest guest]

This is a sweet story; thanks for sharing.

We can be thankful for those few kind souls who showed us what love looks like.

It gives us some memories and a pattern to follow.

>

> I know what you mean - I remember visiting an uncle who had a new wife I hadnt

met before. We were all walking through the city and she held my hand and talked

to me as we walked - as if she actually enjoyed my company. I was 12, and

totally blown away. It took at least 5 minutes for me to relax and just go with

it.

>

> I kept waiting for my nada behind me to pull my had away or say something

nasty. Its still one of the most lovely memories of my childhood.

>

> Or course as soon as we left, nada went nuts at me for allowing this lady suck

up to me and try and look like a nice person, and that she was really a horrid

piece of work who was just trying to weasel into the family. At least by then I

was old enough to think that she *might* be wrong.

>

>

[Guest guest]

I believe my therapist intentionally stepped in as a " mother " for me. She let

me bond with her in a child-like way when it came to my emotions, which is

exactly what I needed. In retrospect, I think I needed to " park " my emotional

needs for a mommy somewhere while I separated from nada.

And it was the single most healing thing she ever did for me. And it was also

the single most healing thing I ever went through.

I remember one session where I told one of those intensely painful stories from

growing up. If nada would have heard me tell it out loud, I'm (literally) not

sure I would have lived through the week--her fury would have made her

murderous. It was a horrific story and really hard to tell. After I finished,

my therapist looked at me, smiled, and said: " I'm really proud of you. " Then,

she hugged me and said it again. For the first time in my 40+ years of life, I

felt acceptance. Just for being me, just for being human--horror stories and

all. That moment . . . that completely-foreign-yet-completely-loved-feeling . .

.. changed me for the rest of my days.

Having said all of this, once I got through some more healing stages, the need

to stay dependent on her subsided. It was a temporary part of my process, and

nothing more.

So yeah, I think it's normal. It's normal to attach to your therapist for a

season to deal with nada. It's also normal for you to have severe anxiety after

opening up. You understandably are going back to survival/coping mode, trying

to gauge " nada's " opinion of you so you can know what predict what form of

punishment is coming next. Those patterns are hard to break just because you've

found a safe person to open up to.

I agree with your therapist--that was an incredibly good session. You opened

up, you shared emotions, you depended on someone else for emotional support that

was actually there and sane, and you chose to be vulnerable in front of an

" authority " figure of sorts. All of those are amazing, miraculous things for

the kid of BPD.

Good work! Keep moving forward--the anxiety with stuff like this subsides as

you heal. At least, that was my experience. I personally think you're doing

great. Even better than normal.

Blessings,

Karla

>

>

> I work really hard in therapy and I want so much for my life to be better, but

do you ever feel like sometimes you depend on therapy or your therapist too

much?

>

> Last week my therapist asked me to tell her one positive thing about my

childhood. I sat there for about 5 straight minutes in dead silence and then I

just burst out crying. She gets out of her chair (she generally sits directly

across from me..me on the couch and her in her chair) and sits next to me and

puts her arm around me. She actually pulls me very close to her -- not in a

creepy way, but a very loving, motherly way -- and I cried on her shoulder for

probably 20 minutes. I felt like I was four years old, but I could not stop

crying. She kept saying, " It's okay..you're okay... " while she was rubbing my

hair. And while it felt really good, it also felt very sad to me.... Why do I

need this from my therapist?

>

> When I finally stopped crying, I had an anxiety attack (freaking fantastic).

She kept telling me it was okay, that it needed to happen and it was all right,

but I kept worrying she's going to think I'm too needy and I found myself

waiting for her to say something negative to me like I was acting stupid or I

needed to grow up.

>

> She told me those were all the old tapes I was taught...that when I was

little, the message was that it wasn't okay to cry or have emotion or even have

someone hold me when I cried because my feelings were never validated in any

way.

>

> Of course, I come home and now don't see her for 2 weeks because of

Thanksgiving so I'm rehashing it in my mind. She even sent me an email that

said, " It's okay ...don't overthink it. It was a GOOD session. " Ahh, she

knows me too well. I didn't even want to respond to the email because I don't

want her to feel overwhelmed by me.

>

> I'm nervous to go back next week and thinking about canceling. I don't want

her to think I'm an immature child. Not that she does, but, well, I don't know

what I think. I don't know why I feel like this!!! Ugh!!! Is this normal?

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I believe my therapist intentionally stepped in as a " mother " for me. She let

me bond with her in a child-like way when it came to my emotions, which is

exactly what I needed. In retrospect, I think I needed to " park " my emotional

needs for a mommy somewhere while I separated from nada.

And it was the single most healing thing she ever did for me. And it was also

the single most healing thing I ever went through.

I remember one session where I told one of those intensely painful stories from

growing up. If nada would have heard me tell it out loud, I'm (literally) not

sure I would have lived through the week--her fury would have made her

murderous. It was a horrific story and really hard to tell. After I finished,

my therapist looked at me, smiled, and said: " I'm really proud of you. " Then,

she hugged me and said it again. For the first time in my 40+ years of life, I

felt acceptance. Just for being me, just for being human--horror stories and

all. That moment . . . that completely-foreign-yet-completely-loved-feeling . .

.. changed me for the rest of my days.

Having said all of this, once I got through some more healing stages, the need

to stay dependent on her subsided. It was a temporary part of my process, and

nothing more.

So yeah, I think it's normal. It's normal to attach to your therapist for a

season to deal with nada. It's also normal for you to have severe anxiety after

opening up. You understandably are going back to survival/coping mode, trying

to gauge " nada's " opinion of you so you can know what predict what form of

punishment is coming next. Those patterns are hard to break just because you've

found a safe person to open up to.

I agree with your therapist--that was an incredibly good session. You opened

up, you shared emotions, you depended on someone else for emotional support that

was actually there and sane, and you chose to be vulnerable in front of an

" authority " figure of sorts. All of those are amazing, miraculous things for

the kid of BPD.

Good work! Keep moving forward--the anxiety with stuff like this subsides as

you heal. At least, that was my experience. I personally think you're doing

great. Even better than normal.

Blessings,

Karla

>

>

> I work really hard in therapy and I want so much for my life to be better, but

do you ever feel like sometimes you depend on therapy or your therapist too

much?

>

> Last week my therapist asked me to tell her one positive thing about my

childhood. I sat there for about 5 straight minutes in dead silence and then I

just burst out crying. She gets out of her chair (she generally sits directly

across from me..me on the couch and her in her chair) and sits next to me and

puts her arm around me. She actually pulls me very close to her -- not in a

creepy way, but a very loving, motherly way -- and I cried on her shoulder for

probably 20 minutes. I felt like I was four years old, but I could not stop

crying. She kept saying, " It's okay..you're okay... " while she was rubbing my

hair. And while it felt really good, it also felt very sad to me.... Why do I

need this from my therapist?

>

> When I finally stopped crying, I had an anxiety attack (freaking fantastic).

She kept telling me it was okay, that it needed to happen and it was all right,

but I kept worrying she's going to think I'm too needy and I found myself

waiting for her to say something negative to me like I was acting stupid or I

needed to grow up.

>

> She told me those were all the old tapes I was taught...that when I was

little, the message was that it wasn't okay to cry or have emotion or even have

someone hold me when I cried because my feelings were never validated in any

way.

>

> Of course, I come home and now don't see her for 2 weeks because of

Thanksgiving so I'm rehashing it in my mind. She even sent me an email that

said, " It's okay ...don't overthink it. It was a GOOD session. " Ahh, she

knows me too well. I didn't even want to respond to the email because I don't

want her to feel overwhelmed by me.

>

> I'm nervous to go back next week and thinking about canceling. I don't want

her to think I'm an immature child. Not that she does, but, well, I don't know

what I think. I don't know why I feel like this!!! Ugh!!! Is this normal?

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I believe my therapist intentionally stepped in as a " mother " for me. She let

me bond with her in a child-like way when it came to my emotions, which is

exactly what I needed. In retrospect, I think I needed to " park " my emotional

needs for a mommy somewhere while I separated from nada.

And it was the single most healing thing she ever did for me. And it was also

the single most healing thing I ever went through.

I remember one session where I told one of those intensely painful stories from

growing up. If nada would have heard me tell it out loud, I'm (literally) not

sure I would have lived through the week--her fury would have made her

murderous. It was a horrific story and really hard to tell. After I finished,

my therapist looked at me, smiled, and said: " I'm really proud of you. " Then,

she hugged me and said it again. For the first time in my 40+ years of life, I

felt acceptance. Just for being me, just for being human--horror stories and

all. That moment . . . that completely-foreign-yet-completely-loved-feeling . .

.. changed me for the rest of my days.

Having said all of this, once I got through some more healing stages, the need

to stay dependent on her subsided. It was a temporary part of my process, and

nothing more.

So yeah, I think it's normal. It's normal to attach to your therapist for a

season to deal with nada. It's also normal for you to have severe anxiety after

opening up. You understandably are going back to survival/coping mode, trying

to gauge " nada's " opinion of you so you can know what predict what form of

punishment is coming next. Those patterns are hard to break just because you've

found a safe person to open up to.

I agree with your therapist--that was an incredibly good session. You opened

up, you shared emotions, you depended on someone else for emotional support that

was actually there and sane, and you chose to be vulnerable in front of an

" authority " figure of sorts. All of those are amazing, miraculous things for

the kid of BPD.

Good work! Keep moving forward--the anxiety with stuff like this subsides as

you heal. At least, that was my experience. I personally think you're doing

great. Even better than normal.

Blessings,

Karla

>

>

> I work really hard in therapy and I want so much for my life to be better, but

do you ever feel like sometimes you depend on therapy or your therapist too

much?

>

> Last week my therapist asked me to tell her one positive thing about my

childhood. I sat there for about 5 straight minutes in dead silence and then I

just burst out crying. She gets out of her chair (she generally sits directly

across from me..me on the couch and her in her chair) and sits next to me and

puts her arm around me. She actually pulls me very close to her -- not in a

creepy way, but a very loving, motherly way -- and I cried on her shoulder for

probably 20 minutes. I felt like I was four years old, but I could not stop

crying. She kept saying, " It's okay..you're okay... " while she was rubbing my

hair. And while it felt really good, it also felt very sad to me.... Why do I

need this from my therapist?

>

> When I finally stopped crying, I had an anxiety attack (freaking fantastic).

She kept telling me it was okay, that it needed to happen and it was all right,

but I kept worrying she's going to think I'm too needy and I found myself

waiting for her to say something negative to me like I was acting stupid or I

needed to grow up.

>

> She told me those were all the old tapes I was taught...that when I was

little, the message was that it wasn't okay to cry or have emotion or even have

someone hold me when I cried because my feelings were never validated in any

way.

>

> Of course, I come home and now don't see her for 2 weeks because of

Thanksgiving so I'm rehashing it in my mind. She even sent me an email that

said, " It's okay ...don't overthink it. It was a GOOD session. " Ahh, she

knows me too well. I didn't even want to respond to the email because I don't

want her to feel overwhelmed by me.

>

> I'm nervous to go back next week and thinking about canceling. I don't want

her to think I'm an immature child. Not that she does, but, well, I don't know

what I think. I don't know why I feel like this!!! Ugh!!! Is this normal?

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

That's interesting about the hugging and nada's opinions on it. . . I'm

extremely affectionate, I've been known to hold my best girl friend's hands

as we walk through the town shopping or whatever. And when my boss has one

of her little panic attacks, I just throw my arms around her and tell her

its okay (note, I wouldn't do that if she were a dude, or more standoffish,

but she's pretty open. . . ) anyway one of my most horrible memories with my

nada is of being about 15. A boy I grew up with, knew him since I was just

weeks old gave me a hug. She saw. She called me a slut out in public right

in front of the library. . . for hugging a boy who was virtually a brother

to me (and much nicer than my real brother).

Her exact words " I'm worried that you might be a slut. "

Wow, I was the most chaste little teen you ever saw. . . terrified of

getting pregnant because that would make it harder to escape from her

That fear ruled my life. I did not touch boys and they did not touch me. . .

Anyway, I don't know why it tramatized me so bad, it certainly wasn't the

first, last or worst time she was cruel to me. But it was horrible.

SO my point is, I guess its normal for nada's to watch who is affectionate

with you and then make you feel bad later. Is this their abandonment issue

coming out?

On Sun, Nov 28, 2010 at 12:31 AM, kyjohnson40days <kyjohnson40days@...

> wrote:

>

>

> I believe my therapist intentionally stepped in as a " mother " for me. She

> let me bond with her in a child-like way when it came to my emotions, which

> is exactly what I needed. In retrospect, I think I needed to " park " my

> emotional needs for a mommy somewhere while I separated from nada.

>

> And it was the single most healing thing she ever did for me. And it was

> also the single most healing thing I ever went through.

>

> I remember one session where I told one of those intensely painful stories

> from growing up. If nada would have heard me tell it out loud, I'm

> (literally) not sure I would have lived through the week--her fury would

> have made her murderous. It was a horrific story and really hard to tell.

> After I finished, my therapist looked at me, smiled, and said: " I'm really

> proud of you. " Then, she hugged me and said it again. For the first time in

> my 40+ years of life, I felt acceptance. Just for being me, just for being

> human--horror stories and all. That moment . . . that

> completely-foreign-yet-completely-loved-feeling . . . changed me for the

> rest of my days.

>

> Having said all of this, once I got through some more healing stages, the

> need to stay dependent on her subsided. It was a temporary part of my

> process, and nothing more.

>

> So yeah, I think it's normal. It's normal to attach to your therapist for a

> season to deal with nada. It's also normal for you to have severe anxiety

> after opening up. You understandably are going back to survival/coping mode,

> trying to gauge " nada's " opinion of you so you can know what predict what

> form of punishment is coming next. Those patterns are hard to break just

> because you've found a safe person to open up to.

>

> I agree with your therapist--that was an incredibly good session. You

> opened up, you shared emotions, you depended on someone else for emotional

> support that was actually there and sane, and you chose to be vulnerable in

> front of an " authority " figure of sorts. All of those are amazing,

> miraculous things for the kid of BPD.

>

> Good work! Keep moving forward--the anxiety with stuff like this subsides

> as you heal. At least, that was my experience. I personally think you're

> doing great. Even better than normal.

>

> Blessings,

> Karla

>

>

>

> >

> >

> > I work really hard in therapy and I want so much for my life to be

> better, but do you ever feel like sometimes you depend on therapy or your

> therapist too much?

> >

> > Last week my therapist asked me to tell her one positive thing about my

> childhood. I sat there for about 5 straight minutes in dead silence and then

> I just burst out crying. She gets out of her chair (she generally sits

> directly across from me..me on the couch and her in her chair) and sits next

> to me and puts her arm around me. She actually pulls me very close to her --

> not in a creepy way, but a very loving, motherly way -- and I cried on her

> shoulder for probably 20 minutes. I felt like I was four years old, but I

> could not stop crying. She kept saying, " It's okay..you're okay... " while

> she was rubbing my hair. And while it felt really good, it also felt very

> sad to me.... Why do I need this from my therapist?

> >

> > When I finally stopped crying, I had an anxiety attack (freaking

> fantastic). She kept telling me it was okay, that it needed to happen and it

> was all right, but I kept worrying she's going to think I'm too needy and I

> found myself waiting for her to say something negative to me like I was

> acting stupid or I needed to grow up.

> >

> > She told me those were all the old tapes I was taught...that when I was

> little, the message was that it wasn't okay to cry or have emotion or even

> have someone hold me when I cried because my feelings were never validated

> in any way.

> >

> > Of course, I come home and now don't see her for 2 weeks because of

> Thanksgiving so I'm rehashing it in my mind. She even sent me an email that

> said, " It's okay ...don't overthink it. It was a GOOD session. " Ahh,

> she knows me too well. I didn't even want to respond to the email because I

> don't want her to feel overwhelmed by me.

> >

> > I'm nervous to go back next week and thinking about canceling. I don't

> want her to think I'm an immature child. Not that she does, but, well, I

> don't know what I think. I don't know why I feel like this!!! Ugh!!! Is

> this normal?

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

That's interesting about the hugging and nada's opinions on it. . . I'm

extremely affectionate, I've been known to hold my best girl friend's hands

as we walk through the town shopping or whatever. And when my boss has one

of her little panic attacks, I just throw my arms around her and tell her

its okay (note, I wouldn't do that if she were a dude, or more standoffish,

but she's pretty open. . . ) anyway one of my most horrible memories with my

nada is of being about 15. A boy I grew up with, knew him since I was just

weeks old gave me a hug. She saw. She called me a slut out in public right

in front of the library. . . for hugging a boy who was virtually a brother

to me (and much nicer than my real brother).

Her exact words " I'm worried that you might be a slut. "

Wow, I was the most chaste little teen you ever saw. . . terrified of

getting pregnant because that would make it harder to escape from her

That fear ruled my life. I did not touch boys and they did not touch me. . .

Anyway, I don't know why it tramatized me so bad, it certainly wasn't the

first, last or worst time she was cruel to me. But it was horrible.

SO my point is, I guess its normal for nada's to watch who is affectionate

with you and then make you feel bad later. Is this their abandonment issue

coming out?

On Sun, Nov 28, 2010 at 12:31 AM, kyjohnson40days <kyjohnson40days@...

> wrote:

>

>

> I believe my therapist intentionally stepped in as a " mother " for me. She

> let me bond with her in a child-like way when it came to my emotions, which

> is exactly what I needed. In retrospect, I think I needed to " park " my

> emotional needs for a mommy somewhere while I separated from nada.

>

> And it was the single most healing thing she ever did for me. And it was

> also the single most healing thing I ever went through.

>

> I remember one session where I told one of those intensely painful stories

> from growing up. If nada would have heard me tell it out loud, I'm

> (literally) not sure I would have lived through the week--her fury would

> have made her murderous. It was a horrific story and really hard to tell.

> After I finished, my therapist looked at me, smiled, and said: " I'm really

> proud of you. " Then, she hugged me and said it again. For the first time in

> my 40+ years of life, I felt acceptance. Just for being me, just for being

> human--horror stories and all. That moment . . . that

> completely-foreign-yet-completely-loved-feeling . . . changed me for the

> rest of my days.

>

> Having said all of this, once I got through some more healing stages, the

> need to stay dependent on her subsided. It was a temporary part of my

> process, and nothing more.

>

> So yeah, I think it's normal. It's normal to attach to your therapist for a

> season to deal with nada. It's also normal for you to have severe anxiety

> after opening up. You understandably are going back to survival/coping mode,

> trying to gauge " nada's " opinion of you so you can know what predict what

> form of punishment is coming next. Those patterns are hard to break just

> because you've found a safe person to open up to.

>

> I agree with your therapist--that was an incredibly good session. You

> opened up, you shared emotions, you depended on someone else for emotional

> support that was actually there and sane, and you chose to be vulnerable in

> front of an " authority " figure of sorts. All of those are amazing,

> miraculous things for the kid of BPD.

>

> Good work! Keep moving forward--the anxiety with stuff like this subsides

> as you heal. At least, that was my experience. I personally think you're

> doing great. Even better than normal.

>

> Blessings,

> Karla

>

>

>

> >

> >

> > I work really hard in therapy and I want so much for my life to be

> better, but do you ever feel like sometimes you depend on therapy or your

> therapist too much?

> >

> > Last week my therapist asked me to tell her one positive thing about my

> childhood. I sat there for about 5 straight minutes in dead silence and then

> I just burst out crying. She gets out of her chair (she generally sits

> directly across from me..me on the couch and her in her chair) and sits next

> to me and puts her arm around me. She actually pulls me very close to her --

> not in a creepy way, but a very loving, motherly way -- and I cried on her

> shoulder for probably 20 minutes. I felt like I was four years old, but I

> could not stop crying. She kept saying, " It's okay..you're okay... " while

> she was rubbing my hair. And while it felt really good, it also felt very

> sad to me.... Why do I need this from my therapist?

> >

> > When I finally stopped crying, I had an anxiety attack (freaking

> fantastic). She kept telling me it was okay, that it needed to happen and it

> was all right, but I kept worrying she's going to think I'm too needy and I

> found myself waiting for her to say something negative to me like I was

> acting stupid or I needed to grow up.

> >

> > She told me those were all the old tapes I was taught...that when I was

> little, the message was that it wasn't okay to cry or have emotion or even

> have someone hold me when I cried because my feelings were never validated

> in any way.

> >

> > Of course, I come home and now don't see her for 2 weeks because of

> Thanksgiving so I'm rehashing it in my mind. She even sent me an email that

> said, " It's okay ...don't overthink it. It was a GOOD session. " Ahh,

> she knows me too well. I didn't even want to respond to the email because I

> don't want her to feel overwhelmed by me.

> >

> > I'm nervous to go back next week and thinking about canceling. I don't

> want her to think I'm an immature child. Not that she does, but, well, I

> don't know what I think. I don't know why I feel like this!!! Ugh!!! Is

> this normal?

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

That's interesting about the hugging and nada's opinions on it. . . I'm

extremely affectionate, I've been known to hold my best girl friend's hands

as we walk through the town shopping or whatever. And when my boss has one

of her little panic attacks, I just throw my arms around her and tell her

its okay (note, I wouldn't do that if she were a dude, or more standoffish,

but she's pretty open. . . ) anyway one of my most horrible memories with my

nada is of being about 15. A boy I grew up with, knew him since I was just

weeks old gave me a hug. She saw. She called me a slut out in public right

in front of the library. . . for hugging a boy who was virtually a brother

to me (and much nicer than my real brother).

Her exact words " I'm worried that you might be a slut. "

Wow, I was the most chaste little teen you ever saw. . . terrified of

getting pregnant because that would make it harder to escape from her

That fear ruled my life. I did not touch boys and they did not touch me. . .

Anyway, I don't know why it tramatized me so bad, it certainly wasn't the

first, last or worst time she was cruel to me. But it was horrible.

SO my point is, I guess its normal for nada's to watch who is affectionate

with you and then make you feel bad later. Is this their abandonment issue

coming out?

On Sun, Nov 28, 2010 at 12:31 AM, kyjohnson40days <kyjohnson40days@...

> wrote:

>

>

> I believe my therapist intentionally stepped in as a " mother " for me. She

> let me bond with her in a child-like way when it came to my emotions, which

> is exactly what I needed. In retrospect, I think I needed to " park " my

> emotional needs for a mommy somewhere while I separated from nada.

>

> And it was the single most healing thing she ever did for me. And it was

> also the single most healing thing I ever went through.

>

> I remember one session where I told one of those intensely painful stories

> from growing up. If nada would have heard me tell it out loud, I'm

> (literally) not sure I would have lived through the week--her fury would

> have made her murderous. It was a horrific story and really hard to tell.

> After I finished, my therapist looked at me, smiled, and said: " I'm really

> proud of you. " Then, she hugged me and said it again. For the first time in

> my 40+ years of life, I felt acceptance. Just for being me, just for being

> human--horror stories and all. That moment . . . that

> completely-foreign-yet-completely-loved-feeling . . . changed me for the

> rest of my days.

>

> Having said all of this, once I got through some more healing stages, the

> need to stay dependent on her subsided. It was a temporary part of my

> process, and nothing more.

>

> So yeah, I think it's normal. It's normal to attach to your therapist for a

> season to deal with nada. It's also normal for you to have severe anxiety

> after opening up. You understandably are going back to survival/coping mode,

> trying to gauge " nada's " opinion of you so you can know what predict what

> form of punishment is coming next. Those patterns are hard to break just

> because you've found a safe person to open up to.

>

> I agree with your therapist--that was an incredibly good session. You

> opened up, you shared emotions, you depended on someone else for emotional

> support that was actually there and sane, and you chose to be vulnerable in

> front of an " authority " figure of sorts. All of those are amazing,

> miraculous things for the kid of BPD.

>

> Good work! Keep moving forward--the anxiety with stuff like this subsides

> as you heal. At least, that was my experience. I personally think you're

> doing great. Even better than normal.

>

> Blessings,

> Karla

>

>

>

> >

> >

> > I work really hard in therapy and I want so much for my life to be

> better, but do you ever feel like sometimes you depend on therapy or your

> therapist too much?

> >

> > Last week my therapist asked me to tell her one positive thing about my

> childhood. I sat there for about 5 straight minutes in dead silence and then

> I just burst out crying. She gets out of her chair (she generally sits

> directly across from me..me on the couch and her in her chair) and sits next

> to me and puts her arm around me. She actually pulls me very close to her --

> not in a creepy way, but a very loving, motherly way -- and I cried on her

> shoulder for probably 20 minutes. I felt like I was four years old, but I

> could not stop crying. She kept saying, " It's okay..you're okay... " while

> she was rubbing my hair. And while it felt really good, it also felt very

> sad to me.... Why do I need this from my therapist?

> >

> > When I finally stopped crying, I had an anxiety attack (freaking

> fantastic). She kept telling me it was okay, that it needed to happen and it

> was all right, but I kept worrying she's going to think I'm too needy and I

> found myself waiting for her to say something negative to me like I was

> acting stupid or I needed to grow up.

> >

> > She told me those were all the old tapes I was taught...that when I was

> little, the message was that it wasn't okay to cry or have emotion or even

> have someone hold me when I cried because my feelings were never validated

> in any way.

> >

> > Of course, I come home and now don't see her for 2 weeks because of

> Thanksgiving so I'm rehashing it in my mind. She even sent me an email that

> said, " It's okay ...don't overthink it. It was a GOOD session. " Ahh,

> she knows me too well. I didn't even want to respond to the email because I

> don't want her to feel overwhelmed by me.

> >

> > I'm nervous to go back next week and thinking about canceling. I don't

> want her to think I'm an immature child. Not that she does, but, well, I

> don't know what I think. I don't know why I feel like this!!! Ugh!!! Is

> this normal?

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

There could be any number of reasons, including fear of abandonment, that your

nada would do something like that to you.

But all I can say is, in my opinion, these acts of deliberate cruelty, such as

public humiliation, are not loving acts, and are not coming from someone who

loves you. Deliberate physical abuse, deliberate cruel, humiliating remarks in

public are calculated to cause injury and shame and fear.

These deliberate injurious acts are about control and punishment, not love.

Humiliating you could have been about jealousy; perhaps your nada was jealous

that you felt free to show affection and receive affection, and her

" possession " , you, was showing affection to someone other than herself: she was

being territorial and punishing you at the same time.

These are sick, sick people and they do untold damage to little kids and

vulnerable teens in their care.

-Annie

> > >

> > >

> > > I work really hard in therapy and I want so much for my life to be

> > better, but do you ever feel like sometimes you depend on therapy or your

> > therapist too much?

> > >

> > > Last week my therapist asked me to tell her one positive thing about my

> > childhood. I sat there for about 5 straight minutes in dead silence and then

> > I just burst out crying. She gets out of her chair (she generally sits

> > directly across from me..me on the couch and her in her chair) and sits next

> > to me and puts her arm around me. She actually pulls me very close to her --

> > not in a creepy way, but a very loving, motherly way -- and I cried on her

> > shoulder for probably 20 minutes. I felt like I was four years old, but I

> > could not stop crying. She kept saying, " It's okay..you're okay... " while

> > she was rubbing my hair. And while it felt really good, it also felt very

> > sad to me.... Why do I need this from my therapist?

> > >

> > > When I finally stopped crying, I had an anxiety attack (freaking

> > fantastic). She kept telling me it was okay, that it needed to happen and it

> > was all right, but I kept worrying she's going to think I'm too needy and I

> > found myself waiting for her to say something negative to me like I was

> > acting stupid or I needed to grow up.

> > >

> > > She told me those were all the old tapes I was taught...that when I was

> > little, the message was that it wasn't okay to cry or have emotion or even

> > have someone hold me when I cried because my feelings were never validated

> > in any way.

> > >

> > > Of course, I come home and now don't see her for 2 weeks because of

> > Thanksgiving so I'm rehashing it in my mind. She even sent me an email that

> > said, " It's okay ...don't overthink it. It was a GOOD session. " Ahh,

> > she knows me too well. I didn't even want to respond to the email because I

> > don't want her to feel overwhelmed by me.

> > >

> > > I'm nervous to go back next week and thinking about canceling. I don't

> > want her to think I'm an immature child. Not that she does, but, well, I

> > don't know what I think. I don't know why I feel like this!!! Ugh!!! Is

> > this normal?

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

There could be any number of reasons, including fear of abandonment, that your

nada would do something like that to you.

But all I can say is, in my opinion, these acts of deliberate cruelty, such as

public humiliation, are not loving acts, and are not coming from someone who

loves you. Deliberate physical abuse, deliberate cruel, humiliating remarks in

public are calculated to cause injury and shame and fear.

These deliberate injurious acts are about control and punishment, not love.

Humiliating you could have been about jealousy; perhaps your nada was jealous

that you felt free to show affection and receive affection, and her

" possession " , you, was showing affection to someone other than herself: she was

being territorial and punishing you at the same time.

These are sick, sick people and they do untold damage to little kids and

vulnerable teens in their care.

-Annie

> > >

> > >

> > > I work really hard in therapy and I want so much for my life to be

> > better, but do you ever feel like sometimes you depend on therapy or your

> > therapist too much?

> > >

> > > Last week my therapist asked me to tell her one positive thing about my

> > childhood. I sat there for about 5 straight minutes in dead silence and then

> > I just burst out crying. She gets out of her chair (she generally sits

> > directly across from me..me on the couch and her in her chair) and sits next

> > to me and puts her arm around me. She actually pulls me very close to her --

> > not in a creepy way, but a very loving, motherly way -- and I cried on her

> > shoulder for probably 20 minutes. I felt like I was four years old, but I

> > could not stop crying. She kept saying, " It's okay..you're okay... " while

> > she was rubbing my hair. And while it felt really good, it also felt very

> > sad to me.... Why do I need this from my therapist?

> > >

> > > When I finally stopped crying, I had an anxiety attack (freaking

> > fantastic). She kept telling me it was okay, that it needed to happen and it

> > was all right, but I kept worrying she's going to think I'm too needy and I

> > found myself waiting for her to say something negative to me like I was

> > acting stupid or I needed to grow up.

> > >

> > > She told me those were all the old tapes I was taught...that when I was

> > little, the message was that it wasn't okay to cry or have emotion or even

> > have someone hold me when I cried because my feelings were never validated

> > in any way.

> > >

> > > Of course, I come home and now don't see her for 2 weeks because of

> > Thanksgiving so I'm rehashing it in my mind. She even sent me an email that

> > said, " It's okay ...don't overthink it. It was a GOOD session. " Ahh,

> > she knows me too well. I didn't even want to respond to the email because I

> > don't want her to feel overwhelmed by me.

> > >

> > > I'm nervous to go back next week and thinking about canceling. I don't

> > want her to think I'm an immature child. Not that she does, but, well, I

> > don't know what I think. I don't know why I feel like this!!! Ugh!!! Is

> > this normal?

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

There could be any number of reasons, including fear of abandonment, that your

nada would do something like that to you.

But all I can say is, in my opinion, these acts of deliberate cruelty, such as

public humiliation, are not loving acts, and are not coming from someone who

loves you. Deliberate physical abuse, deliberate cruel, humiliating remarks in

public are calculated to cause injury and shame and fear.

These deliberate injurious acts are about control and punishment, not love.

Humiliating you could have been about jealousy; perhaps your nada was jealous

that you felt free to show affection and receive affection, and her

" possession " , you, was showing affection to someone other than herself: she was

being territorial and punishing you at the same time.

These are sick, sick people and they do untold damage to little kids and

vulnerable teens in their care.

-Annie

> > >

> > >

> > > I work really hard in therapy and I want so much for my life to be

> > better, but do you ever feel like sometimes you depend on therapy or your

> > therapist too much?

> > >

> > > Last week my therapist asked me to tell her one positive thing about my

> > childhood. I sat there for about 5 straight minutes in dead silence and then

> > I just burst out crying. She gets out of her chair (she generally sits

> > directly across from me..me on the couch and her in her chair) and sits next

> > to me and puts her arm around me. She actually pulls me very close to her --

> > not in a creepy way, but a very loving, motherly way -- and I cried on her

> > shoulder for probably 20 minutes. I felt like I was four years old, but I

> > could not stop crying. She kept saying, " It's okay..you're okay... " while

> > she was rubbing my hair. And while it felt really good, it also felt very

> > sad to me.... Why do I need this from my therapist?

> > >

> > > When I finally stopped crying, I had an anxiety attack (freaking

> > fantastic). She kept telling me it was okay, that it needed to happen and it

> > was all right, but I kept worrying she's going to think I'm too needy and I

> > found myself waiting for her to say something negative to me like I was

> > acting stupid or I needed to grow up.

> > >

> > > She told me those were all the old tapes I was taught...that when I was

> > little, the message was that it wasn't okay to cry or have emotion or even

> > have someone hold me when I cried because my feelings were never validated

> > in any way.

> > >

> > > Of course, I come home and now don't see her for 2 weeks because of

> > Thanksgiving so I'm rehashing it in my mind. She even sent me an email that

> > said, " It's okay ...don't overthink it. It was a GOOD session. " Ahh,

> > she knows me too well. I didn't even want to respond to the email because I

> > don't want her to feel overwhelmed by me.

> > >

> > > I'm nervous to go back next week and thinking about canceling. I don't

> > want her to think I'm an immature child. Not that she does, but, well, I

> > don't know what I think. I don't know why I feel like this!!! Ugh!!! Is

> > this normal?

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Normal? I don't know if most therapists would put themselves into the position

of physical nurturer. After all, in this litigious society they are putting

themselves into a risky situation. I think only the best ones are capable of

doing so.

But one of the most healing times I ever experienced was when I had a major

break though in therapy, which left me sobbing uncontrollably. My therapist left

her seat and let me cry like a baby in her arms. That is my only memory of ever

having unconditional physical comfort and acceptance from another female, a

mother figure (My nada was always stiff and uncomfortable in the few embraces

she offered).

My therapist and I talked about this later on in therapy, where she frankly

admitted to putting herself into the role of accepting/loving mother until I was

healed enough to love & parent myself.

I thank the heavens for her every day. She saved my sanity, my marriage and is

still my confidant when nada issues come up.

>

>

> I work really hard in therapy and I want so much for my life to be better, but

do you ever feel like sometimes you depend on therapy or your therapist too

much?

>

> Last week my therapist asked me to tell her one positive thing about my

childhood. I sat there for about 5 straight minutes in dead silence and then I

just burst out crying. She gets out of her chair (she generally sits directly

across from me..me on the couch and her in her chair) and sits next to me and

puts her arm around me. She actually pulls me very close to her -- not in a

creepy way, but a very loving, motherly way -- and I cried on her shoulder for

probably 20 minutes. I felt like I was four years old, but I could not stop

crying. She kept saying, " It's okay..you're okay... " while she was rubbing my

hair. And while it felt really good, it also felt very sad to me.... Why do I

need this from my therapist?

>

> When I finally stopped crying, I had an anxiety attack (freaking fantastic).

She kept telling me it was okay, that it needed to happen and it was all right,

but I kept worrying she's going to think I'm too needy and I found myself

waiting for her to say something negative to me like I was acting stupid or I

needed to grow up.

>

> She told me those were all the old tapes I was taught...that when I was

little, the message was that it wasn't okay to cry or have emotion or even have

someone hold me when I cried because my feelings were never validated in any

way.

>

> Of course, I come home and now don't see her for 2 weeks because of

Thanksgiving so I'm rehashing it in my mind. She even sent me an email that

said, " It's okay ...don't overthink it. It was a GOOD session. " Ahh, she

knows me too well. I didn't even want to respond to the email because I don't

want her to feel overwhelmed by me.

>

> I'm nervous to go back next week and thinking about canceling. I don't want

her to think I'm an immature child. Not that she does, but, well, I don't know

what I think. I don't know why I feel like this!!! Ugh!!! Is this normal?

>

>

>

>

>