Re: Lost memory

[Guest guest]

Hi Yenaine,

One technique to help access memories stored in your subconscious is for a

trained psychotherapist to induce a state of hypnosis. I've never tried that

myself, but it seems to be a standard tool of psychotherapy these days. Maybe

if some of the members here have tried hypnotherapy they'll share how it worked

for them.

I'm so sorry you had such a horrific childhood, and that you lost your sister

probably as a result of the abuse you both endured. I agree; its so damned hard

to comprehend a mother who would deliberately expose her small child to sexual

predation by others, or a mother who would cheerfully assist a hostile stalker

to locate her adult child. Its just shocking to take in that a mother could

commit such reprehensible acts against her own child, but things like that do

happen when we're unlucky enough to have been born to a severely

personality-disordered human being. I think my nada has traits of psychopathy

too, and like yours is now the very picture of the sweet, fragile, adorable

little old lady.

Somehow its easier for the general population to understand if you say " I'm not

in contact with my father now because he sexually molested me when I was growing

up. " But saying " I'm not in contact with my mother now because she emotionally

traumatized me when I was growing up " doesn't generate the same level of

understanding or empathy, or, like you said, can even generate support for the

perpetrator of the abuse!

People just *don't want to believe* that its true that mothers can do just as

bad as or worse damage to their kids than fathers can. There seems to be a

strong, deep, very ingrained (probably hard-wired) prejudice in favor of

mothers.

-Annie

>

> I would like to ask you for some advice.

> I remember a lot of weird things my nada (and fada) did to me and my sister.

Enough to see she is a werido freak. But I had a lot of blank areas. I literally

don't remember long periods of my life at that time. It is not that i would like

to remember, but I have a strong feeling that there are a lot of things and that

it would make more sense for me if I would know them. I have some strange

feeling that some really odd things happened and that there may be an

explanation for some of my reactions or feelings or behavior now. My sister

couldn't see her nada for 18 years. She had nightmares just to talk to her on

the phone. She talked to her almost every day and died comletely messed up with

fobias and a lot of other things. She felt enormous guilt because she couldn't

see nada and she even didn't remember things I did. She repressed them

completely. Now I'm wondering what else is hidden?

> Nada is now " old, fragile, nice, suffering " lady who has no power over me

anymore. I live on my own since I was 18 ( now 44) I alomost feel sorry for her

( exept when I'm totaly pissed off because of her waif behavior) She is

completely over reacting on everything and than she say or do something and I

see she is still cold psychopatic bitch ( with no power any more to harm me...)

> I'm very LC to her, so may be it doesn't matter if I don't remember all what

was happening when I was little. But something knocking on my mind all the time

.. " remember, remember....but WHAT???

> I tried a lot of things to remember that but it is impossible to enter that

door.

> Does any of you have the same problem. Or may be some solution:-)?

>

[Guest guest]

I am wondering about this as well.

My sister recently casually asked if I remember how often mom slapped us. I

can't remember it at all. But when I see her picture or hear her voice, I am

immediately repulsed, afraid and angry.

Could my memories be from infancy before I could actually form a coherent

memory?

-Coal Miner's Daughter

p.s. Step dad did tell me before he died that he found mom passed out drunk and

me hungry, wet, crying at the apartment before they married. I was 6 months

old. She was supporting us kids by working in a bar nights. So I am guessing

neglect would have been the MO.

-Coal Miner's Daughter

>

> I would like to ask you for some advice.

> I remember a lot of weird things my nada (and fada) did to me and my sister.

Enough to see she is a werido freak. But I had a lot of blank areas. I literally

don't remember long periods of my life at that time. It is not that i would like

to remember, but I have a strong feeling that there are a lot of things and that

it would make more sense for me if I would know them. I have some strange

feeling that some really odd things happened and that there may be an

explanation for some of my reactions or feelings or behavior now. My sister

couldn't see her nada for 18 years. She had nightmares just to talk to her on

the phone. She talked to her almost every day and died comletely messed up with

fobias and a lot of other things. She felt enormous guilt because she couldn't

see nada and she even didn't remember things I did. She repressed them

completely. Now I'm wondering what else is hidden?

> Nada is now " old, fragile, nice, suffering " lady who has no power over me

anymore. I live on my own since I was 18 ( now 44) I alomost feel sorry for her

( exept when I'm totaly pissed off because of her waif behavior) She is

completely over reacting on everything and than she say or do something and I

see she is still cold psychopatic bitch ( with no power any more to harm me...)

> I'm very LC to her, so may be it doesn't matter if I don't remember all what

was happening when I was little. But something knocking on my mind all the time

.. " remember, remember....but WHAT???

> I tried a lot of things to remember that but it is impossible to enter that

door.

> Does any of you have the same problem. Or may be some solution:-)?

>

[Guest guest]

I have the same problems with memory. I have quite literally HUGE gaps in

memory.

My husband has the memory of an elephant. The detail he can recall from as early

as 1.5 blows me away.

My memories are really sketchy until I moved out of the house when I was 17.

That scares me.

I remember many traumatic incidents, and the gaps in my memory are long. As in

years are missing, or I'll have one fuzzy memory over a three year span (at

least I think its about three years, I can only go by where we were living and

if I was in school).

But I honestly wonder what else there is lurking beneath the surface. I'm not

sure that I want to know.

Even my kids (4 & 7) have fantastic recall. I've read a lot of threads like this

and from what I understand people with PTSD do have issues with memory.

>

> I would like to ask you for some advice.

> I remember a lot of weird things my nada (and fada) did to me and my sister.

Enough to see she is a werido freak. But I had a lot of blank areas. I literally

don't remember long periods of my life at that time. It is not that i would like

to remember, but I have a strong feeling that there are a lot of things and that

it would make more sense for me if I would know them. I have some strange

feeling that some really odd things happened and that there may be an

explanation for some of my reactions or feelings or behavior now. My sister

couldn't see her nada for 18 years. She had nightmares just to talk to her on

the phone. She talked to her almost every day and died comletely messed up with

fobias and a lot of other things. She felt enormous guilt because she couldn't

see nada and she even didn't remember things I did. She repressed them

completely. Now I'm wondering what else is hidden?

> Nada is now " old, fragile, nice, suffering " lady who has no power over me

anymore. I live on my own since I was 18 ( now 44) I alomost feel sorry for her

( exept when I'm totaly pissed off because of her waif behavior) She is

completely over reacting on everything and than she say or do something and I

see she is still cold psychopatic bitch ( with no power any more to harm me...)

> I'm very LC to her, so may be it doesn't matter if I don't remember all what

was happening when I was little. But something knocking on my mind all the time

.. " remember, remember....but WHAT???

> I tried a lot of things to remember that but it is impossible to enter that

door.

> Does any of you have the same problem. Or may be some solution:-)?

>

[Guest guest]

Hi everybody!

I was thinking about hypnotherapy before but I don't like the idea that somebody

would " go into my brain " . I don't trust people (or this technique) enough to

leave anybody do that. Even the one with good intentions:-) And we don't have

professional hypnotherapist around. Just some people who went on few courses and

now they claim that they are hypnotherapists.

I would like to find out about my past because of 2 reasons.

1. I'm sure that what happened is the core of my " system " of believing, acting,

feeling......and if that core is damaged or wounded my system is damaged. It is

like to have a wound but you don't see it. You just feel the pain. You can not

know how to heal it without knowing where it is and what caused it.

2. When I see my " pooor, fragile, old " nada without me remembering what really

was happening I easily forget how damaged she is and danger for me and she can

easily trap me into her waif mesh and i can easly trap myself into FOG. Or I'm

angry on her and explode almost for nothing not knowing why. If I would know why

exactly it would be easier to deal with that. For all the things I remember I

can forgive her ( but not forget) because she is damaged, she can't help herself

and she is destroying herself the most. But I can not deal with things if I I

don't remember them. There are only feelings of anger, sadness, grieve....and I

don't know why.

This forum helps me a little. When I read your stories I remember some of mines.

My sister died from cancer but I believe that one of the main reasons are

nada ( and fada) . I thing that all unresolved issues literally eat her and that

how maybe cancer comes..and because of them she has a lot of phobias and one of

them it was to be scared from doctors and hospitals. She refused to go to

operation , she decided to heal herself with alternatives and died on the end.

She was probably more damaged than me, because she was younger, more fragile and

the " good " child. I'm more strong and the " bed " one. Somehow I think it is

easier to deal with nasty nada or fada if they are openly nasty. You know what

you really have on the other side....and even than you have a problem with

recognizing.

Thank you all for response.

> >

> > I would like to ask you for some advice.

> > I remember a lot of weird things my nada (and fada) did to me and my

sister. Enough to see she is a werido freak. But I had a lot of blank areas. I

literally don't remember long periods of my life at that time. It is not that i

would like to remember, but I have a strong feeling that there are a lot of

things and that it would make more sense for me if I would know them. I have

some strange feeling that some really odd things happened and that there may be

an explanation for some of my reactions or feelings or behavior now. My sister

couldn't see her nada for 18 years. She had nightmares just to talk to her on

the phone. She talked to her almost every day and died comletely messed up with

fobias and a lot of other things. She felt enormous guilt because she couldn't

see nada and she even didn't remember things I did. She repressed them

completely. Now I'm wondering what else is hidden?

> > Nada is now " old, fragile, nice, suffering " lady who has no power over me

anymore. I live on my own since I was 18 ( now 44) I alomost feel sorry for her

( exept when I'm totaly pissed off because of her waif behavior) She is

completely over reacting on everything and than she say or do something and I

see she is still cold psychopatic bitch ( with no power any more to harm me...)

> > I'm very LC to her, so may be it doesn't matter if I don't remember all what

was happening when I was little. But something knocking on my mind all the time

.. " remember, remember....but WHAT???

> > I tried a lot of things to remember that but it is impossible to enter that

door.

> > Does any of you have the same problem. Or may be some solution:-)?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I agree, I wouldn't go to just anybody for hypnotherapy either, I wouldn't trust

them enough. If I ever get to a point where I can afford psychotherapy myself,

or if I get a job that has medical coverage that includes psychotherapy, then I

might be open to a professional, reputable psychologist who is trained in using

hypnosis as one of the tools of therapy.

I've even wondered about whether regular hypnosis or self-hypnosis is even

viable for me. Whenever I become really, really relaxed I just drop off to

sleep; I don't think I've ever been just very, very relaxed but conscious, lol.

So I'm not sure hypnosis (whether done by a psychologist or by myself) would

even work with me. I tried meditating a few times, but one time I was just

trying to make my mind blank and relaxing my muscles while seated on the floor

and just gradually fell over because I'd (apparently) relaxed myself to sleep; I

woke up later right there on the floor.

At least I had a nice nap.

Maybe you could try writing a " retro-diary " , a journal of any memory fragments

that pop into your head. Maybe jotting down even partial memories (triggered by

a smell, a scene in a movie, a book passage, a visit with your nada, reading

posts here, etc.) will help unlock more fragments, until a complete memory

emerges?

-Annie

> > >

> > > I would like to ask you for some advice.

> > > I remember a lot of weird things my nada (and fada) did to me and my

sister. Enough to see she is a werido freak. But I had a lot of blank areas. I

literally don't remember long periods of my life at that time. It is not that i

would like to remember, but I have a strong feeling that there are a lot of

things and that it would make more sense for me if I would know them. I have

some strange feeling that some really odd things happened and that there may be

an explanation for some of my reactions or feelings or behavior now. My sister

couldn't see her nada for 18 years. She had nightmares just to talk to her on

the phone. She talked to her almost every day and died comletely messed up with

fobias and a lot of other things. She felt enormous guilt because she couldn't

see nada and she even didn't remember things I did. She repressed them

completely. Now I'm wondering what else is hidden?

> > > Nada is now " old, fragile, nice, suffering " lady who has no power over me

anymore. I live on my own since I was 18 ( now 44) I alomost feel sorry for her

( exept when I'm totaly pissed off because of her waif behavior) She is

completely over reacting on everything and than she say or do something and I

see she is still cold psychopatic bitch ( with no power any more to harm me...)

> > > I'm very LC to her, so may be it doesn't matter if I don't remember all

what was happening when I was little. But something knocking on my mind all the

time . " remember, remember....but WHAT???

> > > I tried a lot of things to remember that but it is impossible to enter

that door.

> > > Does any of you have the same problem. Or may be some solution:-)?

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I wouldnt go for hypnotherapy either. It seems too " intrusive " for me.

I have found that having a notebook and wirting down memories that I have, tends

to bring up more memories that I normally wouldnt remember. I went through a

phase of writing them down in detail and have recently been remembering more

things.

For example, I dont have a lot of memories from primary school. I have a lot of

memories from the age of 2 to 5, but almost none of them involve nada - they are

of other things, she isnt in hardly any of them. I remembered yesterday that my

sister had her tonsils out when we were young (I had completely forgotten that),

and now when I think about how nada hated taking us to doctors, and how we

apparently missed so much school - she must have been very sick for a long time

for her to end up having her tonsils out - I had chronic bronchitis my entire

childhood and was never taken to a doctor.

There are also agressive phrases that trigger the hell out of me, (like " Oh no

you dont! " " What did I just say? " ) that I know nada must have used a lot, but I

cant remember one time when she did.

The more I write on this board, the more I remember tho.

>

> I would like to ask you for some advice.

> I remember a lot of weird things my nada (and fada) did to me and my sister.

Enough to see she is a werido freak. But I had a lot of blank areas. I literally

don't remember long periods of my life at that time. It is not that i would like

to remember, but I have a strong feeling that there are a lot of things and that

it would make more sense for me if I would know them. I have some strange

feeling that some really odd things happened and that there may be an

explanation for some of my reactions or feelings or behavior now. My sister

couldn't see her nada for 18 years. She had nightmares just to talk to her on

the phone. She talked to her almost every day and died comletely messed up with

fobias and a lot of other things. She felt enormous guilt because she couldn't

see nada and she even didn't remember things I did. She repressed them

completely. Now I'm wondering what else is hidden?

> Nada is now " old, fragile, nice, suffering " lady who has no power over me

anymore. I live on my own since I was 18 ( now 44) I alomost feel sorry for her

( exept when I'm totaly pissed off because of her waif behavior) She is

completely over reacting on everything and than she say or do something and I

see she is still cold psychopatic bitch ( with no power any more to harm me...)

> I'm very LC to her, so may be it doesn't matter if I don't remember all what

was happening when I was little. But something knocking on my mind all the time

.. " remember, remember....but WHAT???

> I tried a lot of things to remember that but it is impossible to enter that

door.

> Does any of you have the same problem. Or may be some solution:-)?

>