Thankful to be here

[Guest guest]

Hello, I'm Margaret and so happy to have found this group. I found it in a search on yahoo groups.I am 50-yrs-old, divorced, mom to three young adults and grandmother to a 5-month-old boy. I live with my boyfriend of two years, who is supportive of me as best he can be, as much of what I strugglewith is really not within his frame of reference. Still, he is not negative with me at all, which is truly a blessing.I discovered books by Geneen Roth many years ago and found much encouragement and support there. Until the past year or so I have never had a weight problem, but definitely an eating problem, thereforeI did not get much support when I tried to talk about this to most people. I looked okay on the

outsideso what was the problem? The problem was I was dying on the inside, and not taken seriously, even bythe therapist I was seeing at the time. I was using (and continue to use) food to hide my pain. Due to some pretty serious gastrointestinal problems, I never gained weight, and at times I had even lost a frightening amount ... there was a time a few years ago when my youngest daughter, now 22-yrs-old, would call me just to ask me if I was eating. Oh, I was eating, quite recklessly. For a few decades I have managed to hide just how much I've been eating, and it was easy because there wasn't a weight issue to make it more obvious.I have noticed over the years how I have learned a great deal in so many areas of my life, yet it seemsthat I almost refuse to put those things into practice. For instance, I struggle with depression and I

know how much exercise would benefit me mentally (not to mention so many other ways) but I still don't do it. I so very much want and need to change this but realize that without some support and an effort to make myself accountable, that's not likely to change.The gastrointestinal issues were thankfully resolved about 18 months ago, and I think coupled with myage, the weight gain began. I am about 25 or 30 pounds overweight, but it feels like SO much more,and has affected my depression noticeably. Yesterday I happened to see my mid-section in a mirror as I was getting dressed and it felt like I was slapped in the face. Right away I felt a mix of shame but also determination. I've got a long history of surgeries (mostly for my legs) and hospitalizations (most for dehydration and other intestinal issues) and I am coming up on 15 months of not needing to be in the hospital for

anything. As much as I am happy about that, it's pretty sad at the same time. I want so much to beable to live a healthy lifestyle, but as I write this a few things come to mind:I need to do more than just want it,I have to admit how much I want to eat - everything, and all the time,Nothing is going to change if I do not take action.Thank you for listening,Margaret