Re: the soul-sucker

December 14, 2010

Hi ,

A couple of things I thought of reading your post...

I actually remember tons of things from my childhood (due to trauma

induced " hypernesia " I believe--the inverse of that being amnesia for huge

blocks of time--because it can go either way when a child has been repeatedly

traumatized) but having said that I do have certain memories that seem like

" nothing much " .On closer examination,though,these " nothing much " memories are

like a symbolic representation of what was really going on in my life in

general.I used to wonder: Why do I recall these stupid things so clearly? Some

of them are painful or seem weird but not terribly traumatic.These memories seem

to me to be " little validations of my reality " that I recorded because they

symbolize what I was having to deal with but these " nothing much " memories are

easier to deal with than the full,awful reality of being in an insane and

abusive environment.

For example I remember very clearly meeting another little girl my age

at an amusement park when I was about nine.We hooked up while waiting in line to

go onto the bumper cars and started playing together and skipping off together

to go on the other rides.But she kept calling me by the name of a character in a

tv show when I had told her my name and when I asked her to call me by my

name,she said I seemed more like this tv character so she wanted to keep calling

me that name.It was freaking me out and she kept doing it and when I told her to

stop,she insisted.So I ended up telling her to leave me alone because she

wouldn't stop.And then she *followed* me around and I felt both bad for

" rejecting " her and freaked out.

Later on whenever I remembered this incident I was like: Why do I even

remember this? And: Oh,well,that poor kid who knows what must have been going on

in her life to make her behave so oddly.Or I used to think: Ha! Even when I was

nine,I was a weirdo magnet.Or: Maybe we were attracted to eachother initially

because we were both abused children.

But I think now that this incident stuck in my mind mostly because it was

so symbolic of how nada/fada treated me: refusing to call me by my name (as

in,for how I truly was,not the figment of their personality disordered

imaginations).And how relentless they were about it.And it's psychologically

" easier " to remember that little girl insisting on calling me something/someone

I was not than to recall nada and fada doing that; it feels much easier for that

little girl's behavior to be crystal clear in my mind but it is also a marker to

the rest of my reality with nada/fada.

About that twenty year old intern at your work...it seems to me that if

only the vast majority of people had parents who " filled " them up that there

would just be alot less suffering in the world--the majority would be " bullet

proof " to the machinations of wrong doers and that would deprive them of their

power to harm.There's alot of cut throat dysfunction where I work and I've

noticed that the ones who have a solid and healthy sense of self esteem are left

alone by the PD types.What would the PDs do if they had nobody to pick on? Would

they be forced to behave themselves? Wishful thinking maybe--as it is,the PDs

dictate the terms of the coat throat atmosphere because they *can*.It just

amazes me lately that these behaviors truly are the " elephant in the living

room " of society--why the denial when PD behavior is everywhere? Just look at

the news.Truly healthy functioning is transcending having to be either the sheep

or the wolf but going about your business practicing harmlessness both to

yourself and to others,not like a little lamb but more like that twenty year old

intern who didn't take any crap but didn't dish any out,either.Would that we all

had that kind of healthy strength from having never been broken or betrayed by

our parents--and to take the wind out of the sails of any and all PD behavior in

the workplace,for example.Imagine how much better the world would be if

dictators and tyrants never got promoted into positions of power because no one

*listened* to them...

>

> Hi , just saw this sorry for the late reply - this group moves fast

so easy to lose track. Thanks for your sympathy about that mean little girl.

Funny the things I remember when I've forgotten massive chunks of my childhood -

but she's crystal clear. About your piano teacher, that must have been so sad

to sit there practicing you scales sessions after session while her actions were

dismissive of you - yet being able to say nothing about it, just internalizing

it and having to play your part. Let her be fired retroactively! It really

shows how strongly affecting it is to not have that foundation of support of a

good mother and also knowing that someone would stand up for you if you needed

it.

>

> A while ago I worked at a company that had an incredibly adversarial stressful

atmosphere. There was an intern there that blew me away because no matter how

much anyone tried to attack him or embarrass him, he was solid, stable,

completely sure in himself - he was only 20. Talking to him it was very clear

that he had been completely " filled " by his parents, he had never been broken in

any fundamental way by life or betrayed by those he trusted and this made him

pretty bullet-proof to the outside world. I still am a bit jealous would

that we all had that.

>

December 14, 2010