Re: my mother is very sick

November 26, 2010

A normal, healthy male, of any age, will NOT abuse children. If they are doing

that I think they have some issues of their own, like they were abused

themselves. A girl won't necessarily be any better, if they were abused they

could become abusers too. My boyfriend was molested by his older female cousin

when he was a kid, who he suspected had been molested/raped by her stepfather.

The answer is not to distrust all teenage boys, to think it's " pouring gasoline

on a fire " or that they " sexualize everything " because that is just not true.

Instead just install (cheap nowadays) cameras and tell your babysitters you have

nanny cams and they'll behave.

I have a friend who was raped as a 5 yo on by her father, but I don't assume all

fathers are bad to have around daughters.

Casey

> > > >

> > > > I havent' been posting in a while because I feel like what I am dealing

with specifically isn't really a good fit for this board right now. But I wanted

to throw this out, just to see if it is anyone else's experience here and how

people think it fits in with BPD. I have been reliving my childhood watching my

mother (not) deal with the borderline (my sister in law) that is living in her

house. I have seen her go more and more into denial, placate the bpd more and

more, refuse to confront her on the cleaning issues, the neglect issues with the

children, etc. She rationalizes, she makes excuses and more and more she

disengages and flat out denies. She is the adult child of a compulsive

gambler/alcoholic/pedophile, her mother died when she was ten.

> > > >

> > > > My mother has a job and is well-liked. She functions in society and no

one would ever call her 'crazy'. She is in no way histrionic, EVER. She is

rarely emotionally demonstrative in a negative way. But she did not protect me

from her father, in fact she packed up both my sister and I and sent us to stay

with him for a week, knowing he would be drunk the whole time and knowing we

would be sleeping in his bed with him (I went one summer and sister went the

next, he lived with his own sister). His sister was aware of the abuse and did

not intervene.

> > > >

> > > > My father was abusive of me also and my mother did not intervene, except

when he physically attacked me, she would get between us. Watching her not

protect these kids (or intervene on their behalf to the mom about cleaning and

supervision, they aren't being beaten or anything) has really put me back in

childhood in an almost paralyzing way. I feel like I am in an abyss, and being

crushed, watching her concede territory daily to this BPD in the household and

actually prop her up. It is like a nightmare because it is living a current

nightmare and going through memories of the past one at the same time. She had

no empathy and would not validate any abuse of me that occurred. If I told her,

like I did after I had my first gynecological appointment, that it was apparent

to the obgyn that I had serious internal scarring, she literally looked down and

did not acknowledge it. She had zero curiosity about what might have happened to

me and when. WHAT KIND OF MOTHER DOES THIS? When my sister and I compared notes

and told her we'd been abused by her father, she dismissed it, continued to

allow him to babysit and visit all the time, and even sent my brother to stay

with him for a week the following summer. She still has his photos up everywhere

and talks about him fondly.

> > > >

> > > > Can anyone relate to this very specific behavior of refusing to protect

children from predators, refusing to validate or acknowledge abuse that has

occurred, refusing to ever give credence to anything an insane person is doing

that points to mental instability? I swear to god, she just 'goes away'. It's

literally like she is no longer in her body. I don't know what to call it other

than a dissociative disorder, denial is not nearly strong enough a word for what

this is. it made me crazy growing up. So many times she 'checked out' when I

needed her in one way or another. She is like a robot going through the motions.

But don't expect her to ever acknowledge ANY abuse that happened or is happening

to you.

> > > >

> > > > Another story from my childhood, actually I was in my teens and visiting

my grandmother (on the other side of the family). My uncle came home with a two

year old girl whose mother he had met on the bus to somewhere, rumors later on

were that a 'trade' had taken place for drugs, I don't know why he had her but

apparently he had a history with the mother. At some point during the visit, she

went up to my grandmother and and said " when X (my uncle) sleeps with me, he

plays with my behind " . NO ONE stepped in to help this child. I don't even

remember when the mother showed up to get her...I remember asking my grandmother

about it, and she got the meanest look on her face when I repeated what the

little girl said, and she said, in a very severe and hateful tone, " Children

LIE. " This is the story of my family. Over and over again it is one story after

another just like this. Stepford mothers who walk around like zombies protecting

themselves from seeing the children in their midst being mistreated. Actually

<<that sentence sums up this whole post. The stepford behavior is literally

making me sick to my stomach lately. What causes this robotic denial? I mean, I

know it is abuse, but if the person is not a histrionic witch or queen, they can

literally go through life with everyone loving them, eating them up, calling

them things like 'sweet and kind' meanwhile they are committing the most hideous

dereliction of duty as a parent, or as a human, the refusal to see abuse right

in front of them, or act in any way to stop it. It's NOT THAT HARD. All my

mother would have had to do was not send us to the grandfather, not allow him to

babysit. But she didn't. And even today, with all that has been said and thrown

into the light of day by me about his abuse, she still talks of him fondly.

Maybe I am the one that is crazy.

> > > >

> > > > Sorry to once again run on so long, I have been feeling extremely nuts

lately. I need therapy and can't afford it I guess. Any light anyone might be

able to shed on this would be very much appreciated.

> > > >

> > >

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November 26, 2010