Advice on what to tell my kids

November 22, 2010

I am mostly NC with nada and I have really pulled away from my family in

general. It's just easier. We see my FOO about one or two times each year now.

Nada and fada live 3 blocks form us.

My oldest child went trick or treating with several friends this year in our

neighborhood. He told us afterward that they stopped at my parent's house and

she gave them money instead of candy. Since then, he has been asking a lot

about getting together with them for the holidays. I feel like I need to give

him a better explanation of why I don't want to see them more often but what do

I say and how detailed do I get?

November 23, 2010

I'm not sure I can answer what you should do in your situation--you're the only

one who knows your family dynamic and the needs of your children. But I can

tell you about my experience.

I try to have periodic conversations about personal boundaries and safety with

the kids. I have told them that it is okay to say no to anyone if they feel

uncomfortable about something, EVEN IF it's their grandparents.

I teach my kids never to go anywhere with anyone unless we have told them ahead

of time that it is okay. We have a secret family password, and they know that

anyone who tells them Mom and Dad asked them to take them somewhere needs to

know that password, EVEN IF it's their grandparents. (Having taught them this

eased my anxiety about the incredibly remote possibility that someday my mom

will show up at their school and try to check them out.)

I teach them that they are good people who deserve to be treated with respect,

and that no one should ever yell at them, call them names, or touch them in a

way that makes them uncomfortable--even if it's just a hug and they don't want

to hug right then--EVEN IF it's their grandparents.

One time when discussing this, I did mention to my kids that their grandmother

is not always a safe person to be around, and that she used to yell at me and

their aunt and call us names. I told them that I do not think she is safe for

them to be alone with because I don't want her to do that to them. I do not

know whether this was entirely the best thing to do, but they seemed to

understand. Sometimes we don't give kids enough credit, they are very

perceptive and already know that something is very off about my mother. I

thought it would help to tell them that it is not okay for anyone to treat them

that way, EVEN IF it's their grandparents--or EVEN IF it's me or their dad. I

asked them to please tell me if they think I am getting too angry or yelling at

them, because they do not deserve to be yelled at. I know this is a fault of

mine, and I try to keep it in check, but it's a major flea that I am impatient

and snap about little things sometimes, and I need to apologize for. I want

them to know that they can speak up and will not get in trouble for it.

I have taught my children that I want them to come tell us if anyone ever makes

them feel uncomfortable or will not listen when they say " no, " EVEN IF its their

grandparents. I have taught them that it is never okay for an adult to ask a

child to keep a secret from their parents, EVEN IF it's their grandparents (do

you sense the theme?) and that they should tell us right away if this happens.

Especially if the other person threatens to hurt them or their family for

telling.

So, with the exception of that one time, I have not specifically told them

things that my mother has done, but I do try to teach them skills for dealing

with any toxic people. I don't want to burden them or make them feel uneasy

about their grandmother; I want them to get to enjoy the good things about her

while I remain present to prevent any bad ones.

Of course, if she ever does anything to warrant NC, we will discuss that with

them.

KT

PS, I cannot imagine my parents living that close. Yikes!

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> I am mostly NC with nada and I have really pulled away from my family in