Re: Re: for those who have kids...

[Guest guest]

OMG my mouth is open and my jaw dropped - I just cannot believe how many people

on this forum have the same exact crap coming from the same exact place but

hidden in different incarnations/vessels with in different families!

I get the black and white analogy from your therapist but not sure I could tell

it or explain it any better than you have!

I just cannot believe your nada and mine are siamese f=ing twins!

I have had 7 miscarriages but God has gifted me with one beautiful little girl.

Thru the years of miscarriages I have tried never to tell my nada until after

the pg ended in mc. I tried never to tell her when I was pg because I was just

too weak to let her pick on me and as we all know they love vulnerability!

But on my last pg (my daughter was about 1) I let my gaurd down. I was 14 weeks

along and had no idea I was pg - I had been working far too many hours at my job

and not eating enough, losing weight and stressing. I was taking care of my

little girl when I wasn't at work and on top of that my husband and I hadn't had

a lot of chances for intimacy so I guess i never really thought much of missing

my periods! I was wrong! When I found out and told my husband he was thrilled

but I was terrified of another miss carriage. But my pg seemed normal so I made

the mistake of telling nada that I was pg. First mistake! Bad idea! She didn't

say anything and didn't congratulate me. but she wanted to come to my

ultrasound because I shouldn't go alone and she said she felt bad my husband

couldn't go with me. in a moment of weakness and confusion i figured well maybe

she'll connect to the baby and treat me with love for once. Second mistake.

Once we were at the utlrasound nada could see the ultrasound monitor and the

tech isn't allowed to say exactly what the problem might be. but she said the

baby's heart beat is great but his sac is not growing as fast as he is. i knew

instantly he'd die soon and i was stoic and sad but i knew i could handle his

death. i'd so wanted him to live. anyway he did end up dying on week 15 but i

was prepared. but that day after my ultrasound and after nada saw his little

body and his great sounding heart she said this: " oh, what a relief, i feel

better knowing you willl have more time and attention to give me. " " if the baby

lived, you'd never have time for me " " you have no time as it is and you think

you have to work a million hours so that leaves no time for me " " I have no one

to help me and your the only one i can rely on. "

OMG how can we process these things? I felt numb but i couldn't say anything to

her at that moment. but after a week had passed, I confronted nada about the

awful things she'd said. once the baby died i figured i could handle

confronting her about what she said. and she said " oh i was just kidding, but

really it was just a fetus, why be upset?! " it's not really a life yet and

besides at your age you have no business bringing another kid into the world! "

At least your nada just cuts to the chase and says F-you! OMG! I cannot

believe we have to deal with this twisted and evil cruelty! it's disgusting! but

we do and we are better moms than they will ever be!

sorry so long! going to bed now!

thanks for sharing your story! thanks really from the bottom of my heart i'll

sleep well knowing my nada has a siamese twin (your nada) with a daughter who is

the victim of BPD wrecking ball treatment too! yet this sister is still

obviously well aware of all the good things on this earth. she is good to her

core and willing to write on this forumn and communicate with other people who

need support! thanks!

a sister who is also fed up dealing with chaos

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Mon, November 22, 2010 9:14:09 PM

Subject: Re: for those who have kids...

" I'm proud to be a loving parent and very happily married. Since our

marriage is successful my nada has hated us for our love. Since the birth of

our daughter my Nada has done everything in her power to hurt me and try to

sabatoge both my marriage and my happiness at being a mother. "

Wow. EXACTLY the same for me. When I told her I was pg she told me

" F--- you! " I was 26, married, had bought a house, my husband had a good job,

and I was already a mom of twins. I had done everything " right " . A therapist

analyzed this it way: She is all white. I am an extention of her and I am all

black. I hold all of her BLACK feelings about HERSELF. If I do well, and look

like I am living right/white....then she panics because there is no receptacle

for her BLACK feelings about herself. She won't take her BLACK feelings back, so

she lashes out, trying to get me to react. If I react, then I am crazy/too

sensitive/rude/ungrateful/demanding/a bitch, etc. and once again her BLACK/WHITE

dellusion is set back in " proper " balance. For example, When I shared the happy

news, she responded with F--- you! I was doing what " normal " 26 year old married

couples do and was happy. THis immediately threatened her ALL BLACK concept of

me and she lashed out. I responded with a shocked and tearful " I'm going home

now. " and I immediately turned around and started walking home. She laughed at

me and scoffed to my husband about how I can't take a joke, and that she was

only kidding, and called me back. I refused to turn around for more of her

gaslighting bs and continued to my house. Then I got nasty phone calls

CRITICIZING ME and my total lack of humor. Now she could view me as crazy or a

trouble maker, etc therefore producing the black/white balance again. Maybe this

is a bad analogy? Maybe this is waaaay to confusing. Can someone help me out

here? LOL!

> >

> > sorry i didnt realise my post didnt post yesterday. well basically i

> > have 3 children, 6 , 4 and a 3mth old. my 6yr old is closest to my nada

> > and my 4 yr old understands who she is but doesnt have the connection

> > like my eldest. i drew the line with my mum after trying again to patch

> > things up with her but once again i was a fool thinking that anything

> > would be different with her. she basically said that she doesnt accept

> > me or my husband because we want to have a relationship with my

> > sisterinlaw (she has estranged my brother because of his wife) but wants

> > to see the kids for the sake of the kids because appparently they 'need'

> > her and the grandmother is just sooo important in shaping who they are

> > etc etc and if i dont allow it i am destroying their lives and she is

> > going to write a book to give to my 6yr old when she is old enoough

> > about how and why she never got to see her etc etc i told her that its

> > not going work..if she wants to have a relationship with my kids she

> > needs to have one with us...civilised one. she cant handle the fact that

> > now after saying (my mistake) that i dont trust her about supervised

> > visits...didnt go down too well with her. but now i have tactfully said

> > for the sake of fmaily unity. personally i dont trust her with my kids.

> > she is over bearingly loving to them, buys them gifts all the time

> > (which isnt bad but its her motive and manipulations that i dont agree

> > with) tells them that i need to listen to her becayuse she is my mother,

> > she is the best grandma, tells my 6yr old when she buys her someting to

> > tell me how expensive it was etc etc. how much love she showers on them

> > i wonder why i never got that as a child ?! its as if she is

> > overcompensating?! there issue i have is that we live only 20mins away

> > from each other i serisouly thought about relocating to another state

> > but my daughter is comfortable in her shcool and we just bought a new

> > house 2 yrs ago. she makes a point now to come to every religious event

> > to see the kids...which at this time i have been avoiding becuase i know

> > what will happen. kids see her she sees them,,,kids run back to me can

> > we go over to grandmas? obviously i am going to say yes but also that we

> > will ALL go to grandmas which she has refused over the phone with me.

> > its so hard. i am thinking staying low key for a while and if we do bump

> > into her....?! should i just keep on the mindset that " we will ALL to

> > her house " and if she cant accept that what do i tell my kids.? when

> > they ask about her now i tell them i dont knwo where grandma is and

> > think she is on a trip. after 32 years she has realised she cant control

> > me anymore by making me to what she wants but now is finding a way to

> > use my kids...sometimes i wish this will stop as i am so tired and over

> > her games but something tells me now that she has grandkids its given

> > her new boost of energy to fight and manipulate. she uses the line

> > " when X (my 6yr old) is old enough she is going to ask you why you never

> > let her see her grandmother and is going to hate you for doing such a

> > thing " she tries fear, guilt and everythying else that can break a

> > person down mentally to get her own way. i am proud that i turned out

> > quite strong and rational after dealing with her...but we all know it

> > does wear you down mentally and emotionally. any feedback will be

> > appreciated. Sorry for it being so long!

> >

> Hi,

>

> I hope you can stop feeling guilty and sad. But we can't can we? I never learn

>how to stop falling in this nasty trap they set for us. It's not fair to you or

>your kids! My three year old daughter is in the middle of a similar situation

>with my Nada - and it's gut wrenching how my mommy dearest will stop at nothing

>- has not a guilty bone in her body - even if she is blatantly using a 3 year

>old child to fight her battles.

>

> I am planning my escape from Nada for good and it's painful but my daughter is

>my priority and I see no other way. My only advice to you is that you cut it

>off cleanly and don't look back.

>

> I think if the other kids don't have contact that you might have a chance of

>escape?

>

> It's strange, as my daughter grows I now see that I am a " real " parent and I

>have spent my entire life desperate for the love I would never get from a BPD

>mom. I don't know about you but it's amazing how many horrible and sad

memories

>we have as children of BPD parent(s). As my child grows I feel pure and clean

>and good for every moment I have with her. But I spent an entire lifetime

>feeling the exact opposite. I'm sure you know what I mean. I won't get too

far

>into detail but lets say I kept straight A's, I had a job and bought my own

>clothing starting from 11 years old, I gave my mom every gift I could and so on

>and so on and so on and never knew the truth behind my relentless fight to

give,

>give, give until I became a mother!

>

> God gave me a beautiful child and this child saved me and has taught me real

>love. I'm proud to be a loving parent and very happily married. Since our

>marriage is successful my nada has hated us for our love. Since the birth of

>our daughter my Nada has done everything in her power to hurt me and try to

>sabatoge both my marriage and my happiness at being a mother.

>

> Nothing you do will change your nada and I hate to be so hard core but gaurd

>your children and protect them first! You owe that nasty woman nothing and she

>deserves nothing. I tell myself this everytime I make the mistake of letting

my

>own mom smooth me over and lull me into thinking she is actually capable of

>caring for and loving anyone but herself. They aren't capable! They never will

>be! Unless of course by some miracle they admit to the BPD diagnosis and take

on

>the commitment to the intense Cognitive Behavioral training and medication they

>need to control the impulse to destroy everything in their paths with no

>remorse!

> Sorry to digress but I just think you deserve not to have your own children

>part of this. It's your turn to live a good and happy life and you've worked

>way too hard to have the rug pulled out from under you! That goes for all of

us

>(children of BPD parents and the spouse they marry and children God gifts them

>with). You can lead a horse to water but you can't make em drink right? So my

>advice is take that drink and live on your terms today and forever more!

> All the best (you deserve the peace - remember that!)

> A mom who knows :0 ) your pain and wishes you the strength you need!

>