Re: for those who have kids...

November 22, 2010

>

> sorry i didnt realise my post didnt post yesterday. well basically i

> have 3 children, 6 , 4 and a 3mth old. my 6yr old is closest to my nada

> and my 4 yr old understands who she is but doesnt have the connection

> like my eldest. i drew the line with my mum after trying again to patch

> things up with her but once again i was a fool thinking that anything

> would be different with her. she basically said that she doesnt accept

> me or my husband because we want to have a relationship with my

> sisterinlaw (she has estranged my brother because of his wife) but wants

> to see the kids for the sake of the kids because appparently they 'need'

> her and the grandmother is just sooo important in shaping who they are

> etc etc and if i dont allow it i am destroying their lives and she is

> going to write a book to give to my 6yr old when she is old enoough

> about how and why she never got to see her etc etc i told her that its

> not going work..if she wants to have a relationship with my kids she

> needs to have one with us...civilised one. she cant handle the fact that

> now after saying (my mistake) that i dont trust her about supervised

> visits...didnt go down too well with her. but now i have tactfully said

> for the sake of fmaily unity. personally i dont trust her with my kids.

> she is over bearingly loving to them, buys them gifts all the time

> (which isnt bad but its her motive and manipulations that i dont agree

> with) tells them that i need to listen to her becayuse she is my mother,

> she is the best grandma, tells my 6yr old when she buys her someting to

> tell me how expensive it was etc etc. how much love she showers on them

> i wonder why i never got that as a child ?! its as if she is

> overcompensating?! there issue i have is that we live only 20mins away

> from each other i serisouly thought about relocating to another state

> but my daughter is comfortable in her shcool and we just bought a new

> house 2 yrs ago. she makes a point now to come to every religious event

> to see the kids...which at this time i have been avoiding becuase i know

> what will happen. kids see her she sees them,,,kids run back to me can

> we go over to grandmas? obviously i am going to say yes but also that we

> will ALL go to grandmas which she has refused over the phone with me.

> its so hard. i am thinking staying low key for a while and if we do bump

> into her....?! should i just keep on the mindset that " we will ALL to

> her house " and if she cant accept that what do i tell my kids.? when

> they ask about her now i tell them i dont knwo where grandma is and

> think she is on a trip. after 32 years she has realised she cant control

> me anymore by making me to what she wants but now is finding a way to

> use my kids...sometimes i wish this will stop as i am so tired and over

> her games but something tells me now that she has grandkids its given

> her new boost of energy to fight and manipulate. she uses the line

> " when X (my 6yr old) is old enough she is going to ask you why you never

> let her see her grandmother and is going to hate you for doing such a

> thing " she tries fear, guilt and everythying else that can break a

> person down mentally to get her own way. i am proud that i turned out

> quite strong and rational after dealing with her...but we all know it

> does wear you down mentally and emotionally. any feedback will be

> appreciated. Sorry for it being so long!

>

Hi,

I hope you can stop feeling guilty and sad. But we can't can we? I never learn

how to stop falling in this nasty trap they set for us. It's not fair to you or

your kids! My three year old daughter is in the middle of a similar situation

with my Nada - and it's gut wrenching how my mommy dearest will stop at nothing

- has not a guilty bone in her body - even if she is blatantly using a 3 year

old child to fight her battles.

I am planning my escape from Nada for good and it's painful but my daughter is

my priority and I see no other way. My only advice to you is that you cut it

off cleanly and don't look back.

I think if the other kids don't have contact that you might have a chance of

escape?

It's strange, as my daughter grows I now see that I am a " real " parent and I

have spent my entire life desperate for the love I would never get from a BPD

mom. I don't know about you but it's amazing how many horrible and sad memories

we have as children of BPD parent(s). As my child grows I feel pure and clean

and good for every moment I have with her. But I spent an entire lifetime

feeling the exact opposite. I'm sure you know what I mean. I won't get too far

into detail but lets say I kept straight A's, I had a job and bought my own

clothing starting from 11 years old, I gave my mom every gift I could and so on

and so on and so on and never knew the truth behind my relentless fight to give,

give, give until I became a mother!

God gave me a beautiful child and this child saved me and has taught me real

love. I'm proud to be a loving parent and very happily married. Since our

marriage is successful my nada has hated us for our love. Since the birth of

our daughter my Nada has done everything in her power to hurt me and try to

sabatoge both my marriage and my happiness at being a mother.

Nothing you do will change your nada and I hate to be so hard core but gaurd

your children and protect them first! You owe that nasty woman nothing and she

deserves nothing. I tell myself this everytime I make the mistake of letting my

own mom smooth me over and lull me into thinking she is actually capable of

caring for and loving anyone but herself. They aren't capable! They never will

be! Unless of course by some miracle they admit to the BPD diagnosis and take on

the commitment to the intense Cognitive Behavioral training and medication they

need to control the impulse to destroy everything in their paths with no

remorse!

Sorry to digress but I just think you deserve not to have your own children part

of this. It's your turn to live a good and happy life and you've worked way too

hard to have the rug pulled out from under you! That goes for all of us

(children of BPD parents and the spouse they marry and children God gifts them

with). You can lead a horse to water but you can't make em drink right? So my

advice is take that drink and live on your terms today and forever more!

All the best (you deserve the peace - remember that!)

A mom who knows :0 ) your pain and wishes you the strength you need!

November 22, 2010

Gosh haleh, your story sounds so similar to mine. I am always ALL black, but

nada sees my children as ALL white...unless she is spending time with them. My

two oldest have PDD-NOS (autism). When I lived with her I would tell my husband

that she felt like a third autistic child-tantrums, demands, lack of empathy, or

rationale. It this point my twins have surpassed her! And they aren't even 13

yet! LOL! She bribes my children. She takes them out to eat, rents movies, buys

treats, video games, etc. But there is ALWAYS a " hidden price " . If they protest

or argue about ANYTHING she freaks out " I can't BELIEVE you would do that after

ALL I did for you today?!?!? " Blah, blah, blah. I heard it all my life. This

woman can keep a scorecard like no one else. She will say " Will you do _____ for

me? I mean, don't forget I diiiiiid do _____ for you. " Even if it was MONTHS

before, and totally minute.

Since I have gone NC my nada sends NOTHING to them. No birthday cards, gifts,

etc. NOTHING. She hoardes them all at her house, in hopes of giving them a TON

of gifts someday. I wish someone would point out that a toy bought today is not

going to mean a whole lot to my daughter 6 years from now. Nada has hardly

celebrated ANY holidays-*only* thanksgiving and christmas. No easter, hates 4th

of july, etc. Well now she celebrates EVERYTHING. She even got my cards St.

s Day cards. what the heck? It just gives her more opportunities to go

shopping and " revictimize " herself every month or two.

I am so over her crud.