Re: A funny/depressing conversation with my daughter

[Guest guest]

HI is,

I love your daughter's honesty and that she felt she could be so honest with

you. Especially her comment that she wished your father had chosen someone else.

It's such a painfully real remark. She's an intuitive person.

My 13 year old daughter (Liz) has been refusing to go to my mother's. We usually

go once a week for a 1 to 2 hour visit, tops. But Liz is realizing that, when

we go to Grandma's, the only one who talks IS Grandma. The only one who

expresses is Grandma. If anyone else does, Grandma freaks and wants to know why

that person is expressing and takes wild guesses that the reason they're

expressing is probably because they don't like being with her.

It's exhausting. So yesterday, Liz decided she was going to have a conversation

with her grandmother, not a confrontational one, just a hey how are you grandma

kind of thing. She wanted to tell her about her basketball team. (is: I'm

stealing your dialogue idea! )

Liz: So, Grandma, we had a game yesterday!

Grandma: Oh yeah? (she starts speaking to me, in her native tongue which my

daughter doesn't speak or understand, about something completely different)

Liz: Grandma? Grandma! We had a game and I saw Christy, you know Christy?

Grandma: Who? Mmm hmm, yes, oh she goes to your school? (continues her

previous conversation in her language)

Liz gives up and walks away.

It's sad, sad, sad. I refused to interfere. I've done it in the past,

confronting my mother to LISTEN to her granddaughter. She gets defensive,

nothing changes.

is, hope you feel much better. And hope your mother's second visit flies

by!!

Fiona

>

> This is a the conversation I was having with my 6 year-old as I was putting

her to bed after her grandparents left this weekend:

>

> Eowyn: Grandma's not a very nice person sometimes.

>

> Me: I know, sweetie. *hug*

>

> Eowyn: But Poppa is!

>

> Me: Yes, he is.

>

> Eowyn: Who found each other first? Grandma or Poppa?

>

> Me: Poppa found Grandma first.

>

> Eowyn: Oh. *pause* I wish Poppa had chosen someone else.

>

> Me: You and me both, kiddo.

>

>

> *sigh* Needless to say, it was a LONG weekend. My mother is generally much

better than she was when I was growing up, but she had a bad spell these past

couple of days. She was on the attack the whole time she was here. And I'm not

feeling well (I suspect I have mono, going to the Dr tomorrow to get it checked

out), so that really didn't help. Luckily she's gone now, and I have two weeks

to recover before they invade again!

>

[Guest guest]

Wow. I think your mother has been very rude. I can understand why your daughter

Liz isn't interested in going to visit grandnada any more. I wouldn't want to

visit someone who barely acknowledges me being there, speaks only a couple of

words to me and then speaks in a foreign language to someone else for two hours.

How insulting!

I wonder what would happen if your daughter were to visit your mother without

you there? Do you think your mother would even try to have a conversation in

(halting) English with her granddaughter, or would your mother just stare at Liz

for an hour and not even try to interact with her?

Might be worth an experiment, if Liz is willing. You could drop Liz off with

grandnada first (you could say you have to go run an errand) then show up 30 or

45 minutes later and see how it went.

If nada makes no effort to be pleasant and communicative when its just her and

her granddaughter together, then, I don't think I'd insist that your daughter

accompany you to visit grandnada anymore. What's the point? But that's just my

opinion, to take or leave.

-Annie

> >

> > This is a the conversation I was having with my 6 year-old as I was putting

her to bed after her grandparents left this weekend:

> >

> > Eowyn: Grandma's not a very nice person sometimes.

> >

> > Me: I know, sweetie. *hug*

> >

> > Eowyn: But Poppa is!

> >

> > Me: Yes, he is.

> >

> > Eowyn: Who found each other first? Grandma or Poppa?

> >

> > Me: Poppa found Grandma first.

> >

> > Eowyn: Oh. *pause* I wish Poppa had chosen someone else.

> >

> > Me: You and me both, kiddo.

> >

> >

> > *sigh* Needless to say, it was a LONG weekend. My mother is generally much

better than she was when I was growing up, but she had a bad spell these past

couple of days. She was on the attack the whole time she was here. And I'm not

feeling well (I suspect I have mono, going to the Dr tomorrow to get it checked

out), so that really didn't help. Luckily she's gone now, and I have two weeks

to recover before they invade again!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Wow. What an intuitive and insightful girl you have! My children have had

moments of clarity that make all of this NC crap soooo worth it. Nada quit her

job because she didn't like the new manager. She assumed she would get a new job

within days because, well, she believes she is just that awesome. Lol. She

couldnt get hired anywhere. So my then 10 yo visited her for the day. Nada

singled him out and blamed for EVERYTHING that day. A couple of weeks later she

invited him back. When I asked him if he wanted to go he said " well, did she get

a job yet? Cuz if she didn't I'm not going! " He KNEW her behavior had nothing to

do with HIM and everything to do with her inability to cope.

>

> This is a the conversation I was having with my 6 year-old as I was putting

her to bed after her grandparents left this weekend:

>

> Eowyn: Grandma's not a very nice person sometimes.

>

> Me: I know, sweetie. *hug*

>

> Eowyn: But Poppa is!

>

> Me: Yes, he is.

>

> Eowyn: Who found each other first? Grandma or Poppa?

>

> Me: Poppa found Grandma first.

>

> Eowyn: Oh. *pause* I wish Poppa had chosen someone else.

>

> Me: You and me both, kiddo.

>

>

> *sigh* Needless to say, it was a LONG weekend. My mother is generally much

better than she was when I was growing up, but she had a bad spell these past

couple of days. She was on the attack the whole time she was here. And I'm not

feeling well (I suspect I have mono, going to the Dr tomorrow to get it checked

out), so that really didn't help. Luckily she's gone now, and I have two weeks

to recover before they invade again!

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Annie,

your suggestions are always welcomed.

yes, we've had liz visit her grandma and even have sleepovers. you are right,

the dynamic is very different and they do chat, etc., but my mother is very,

very phobic/anxious/fearful and my daughter stopped wanting to sleep over b/c

she would freak liz about over every noise, etc. Also, she would interrogate liz

about stuff, which I don't like.

if liz expressed an interest in going, i would let her stay with my mother a

while.

> > >

> > > This is a the conversation I was having with my 6 year-old as I was

putting her to bed after her grandparents left this weekend:

> > >

> > > Eowyn: Grandma's not a very nice person sometimes.

> > >

> > > Me: I know, sweetie. *hug*

> > >

> > > Eowyn: But Poppa is!

> > >

> > > Me: Yes, he is.

> > >

> > > Eowyn: Who found each other first? Grandma or Poppa?

> > >

> > > Me: Poppa found Grandma first.

> > >

> > > Eowyn: Oh. *pause* I wish Poppa had chosen someone else.

> > >

> > > Me: You and me both, kiddo.

> > >

> > >

> > > *sigh* Needless to say, it was a LONG weekend. My mother is generally

much better than she was when I was growing up, but she had a bad spell these

past couple of days. She was on the attack the whole time she was here. And

I'm not feeling well (I suspect I have mono, going to the Dr tomorrow to get it

checked out), so that really didn't help. Luckily she's gone now, and I have

two weeks to recover before they invade again!

> > >

> >

>