Re: for those who have kids...do you allow contact with grandnada?

[Guest guest]

Not anymore. We cohoused with her for 7 years. It was hell. We moved out and

bought our own house. This was the worst (percieved) abandonment for her. Nada

told me it was " an even worse offense then when your father left me for that 20

year old girl! " Uhhhh..yeah.

when we moved out 3 years ago my therapist felt I should cut off all contact. I

didn't listen and tried for 3 years to find a way to feel comfortable with

giving her my kids. We just spent 6 weeks in therapy with another therapist.

Ultimately she told me the same thing-to keep nada away from my children. I told

nada that we are done trying to work it out. I know she is working on suing me

for grandparents rights...but BOTH therapists have agreed to testify on my

behalf should we make it all the way to court.

[Guest guest]

Not anymore. We cohoused with her for 7 years. It was hell. We moved out and

bought our own house. This was the worst (percieved) abandonment for her. Nada

told me it was " an even worse offense then when your father left me for that 20

year old girl! " Uhhhh..yeah.

when we moved out 3 years ago my therapist felt I should cut off all contact. I

didn't listen and tried for 3 years to find a way to feel comfortable with

giving her my kids. We just spent 6 weeks in therapy with another therapist.

Ultimately she told me the same thing-to keep nada away from my children. I told

nada that we are done trying to work it out. I know she is working on suing me

for grandparents rights...but BOTH therapists have agreed to testify on my

behalf should we make it all the way to court.

[Guest guest]

No, I don't. And I'm very unsure about it. Nada is very functional as far as

BPDs go, and my kids are old enough to call and/or sort out her crazy. She

always loved the ideal grandma role, and played it very well.

Having said all of that, I've been NC for 2+ years now. If I let my kids go to

her house, she will just have to pull something insane to get my attention. I

wouldn't put it past her to create an " accident on purpose " that gets one of my

kids hurt. What better excuse to get me on the phone and have a conversation

with me?

My father is in poor health. My kids have great and wonderful memories at their

grandparent's house from before I went NC. They sometimes ask if they can go

out there.

And yet, I just can't stomach the thought of nada having one more excuse to

harrass me and try to get into my life again.

Okay . . . can you tell I'm confused and unsure on this one? I'll look

forward to other people's ideas.

Blessings,

Karla

[Guest guest]

No, I don't. And I'm very unsure about it. Nada is very functional as far as

BPDs go, and my kids are old enough to call and/or sort out her crazy. She

always loved the ideal grandma role, and played it very well.

Having said all of that, I've been NC for 2+ years now. If I let my kids go to

her house, she will just have to pull something insane to get my attention. I

wouldn't put it past her to create an " accident on purpose " that gets one of my

kids hurt. What better excuse to get me on the phone and have a conversation

with me?

My father is in poor health. My kids have great and wonderful memories at their

grandparent's house from before I went NC. They sometimes ask if they can go

out there.

And yet, I just can't stomach the thought of nada having one more excuse to

harrass me and try to get into my life again.

Okay . . . can you tell I'm confused and unsure on this one? I'll look

forward to other people's ideas.

Blessings,

Karla

[Guest guest]

Hi Karla,

This sounds SO HARD! It reminds me a little of my situation, but mine's better.

Nada is high-functioning also, and I can stand her for the most part so far. I

have been able to get by with limited contact and supervised visits.

It helps because my oldest son is insightful and seems to understand the

situation fairly well. She has done a good job of teaching him to love her for

the stuff she gives him only, so he's not too attached emotionally anyway. Plus

it's pretty obvious that she is unhealthy - stays inside all the time, eats a

LOT of candy and junkfood, is angry and depressed much of the time...

I cannot speak directly to your situation because I don't know you or your nada,

but for me, we are always better with less contact. Perhaps I shouldn't have

done it, but I told my son some of the stuff she did to me as a child before I

knew about BPD or anything. I suppose we are not supposed to tell children

these things? I just felt he should know a little bit of what the problem is.

I said that grandma gets mad at mom a lot and that she has some problems feeling

happy in her own life - stuff like that. I told him that she did some mean

things to mommy when mommy was a little girl. But that grandma didn't really do

it on purpose; she just doesn't know how to take care of kids safely.

He seemed to understand it. (He was 6). Hopefully I won't need to have any

conversations in the future with my youngest son because our low contact will

just be normal to him.

I think it would be SO MUCH HARDER being no contact because you can't keep up

the appearance of normalcy. Yet, I think our situation could easily go this far

and has before. (We had 1 year of no contact - heavenly, by the way, for me).

Good luck! You are taking care of your children. Regardless of the exact

details of how you must do this, you are doing the right thing. You are giving

them what you never had - a parent. Parents do hard things for our children for

their well-being, despite the cost to ourselves. That is what no contact means

for you right now.

-Coal Miner's Daughter

>

>

> No, I don't. And I'm very unsure about it. Nada is very functional as far as

BPDs go, and my kids are old enough to call and/or sort out her crazy. She

always loved the ideal grandma role, and played it very well.

>

> Having said all of that, I've been NC for 2+ years now. If I let my kids go

to her house, she will just have to pull something insane to get my attention.

I wouldn't put it past her to create an " accident on purpose " that gets one of

my kids hurt. What better excuse to get me on the phone and have a conversation

with me?

>

> My father is in poor health. My kids have great and wonderful memories at

their grandparent's house from before I went NC. They sometimes ask if they can

go out there.

>

> And yet, I just can't stomach the thought of nada having one more excuse to

harrass me and try to get into my life again.

>

> Okay . . . can you tell I'm confused and unsure on this one? I'll look

forward to other people's ideas.

>

> Blessings,

> Karla

>

[Guest guest]

Very limited. My younger one stayed with her alone for an hour the other day and

that seemed to go well.

other than that, it's usually time-restricted visits I am a part of.

[Guest guest]

Very limited (4 visits a year), and only when supervised. I allow her to call

the the kids every 2 weeks, but she almost never calls when they are actually

awake, so realistically it's every couple of months. I always put her on

speakerphone when she talks to them so that I can intervene if she says

something inappropriate.

I know from my own and my sister's experience that my mother has a history of

emotionally and physically abusive behavior. I know that my father is not

willing to acknowledge or put an end to that abusive behavior. I have seen no

evidence to suggest that either of my parents has changed their behavior enough

for me to trust them. Therefore, I cannot reasonably expect that my children

would be safe in their care.

My mother is also an emotional pedophile. Children are like drugs to her. She

uses them when she needs to feel loved. She gets some kind of high from soaking

up their cuteness, and when she is particularly vulnerable she will try to make

contact with my kids more often (but we still stick to our limit a short

conversation every 2 weeks at the most). But if they aren't in a cute mood, or

don't do what she wants them to do, then they don't meet her need and she gets

offended and bored. Even if she didn't have a history of being patently abusive

and manipulative, there's still the more subtle mis-use of their persons that

needs to be kept in check.

Right now, this arrangement is still working for us. I have had to address my

mother's behavior a couple of times, and I discuss it in what I think is an

age-appropriate manner with the kids. I still want to provide my children the

opportunity to have fun time with their grandparents, and we talk about ways

they can say no to her or to anyone else in their lives--because they are

definitely going to encounter other abusive people at some point, even if the

time comes when we have to eliminate contact with my parents.

kt

[Guest guest]

Very limited (4 visits a year), and only when supervised. I allow her to call

the the kids every 2 weeks, but she almost never calls when they are actually

awake, so realistically it's every couple of months. I always put her on

speakerphone when she talks to them so that I can intervene if she says

something inappropriate.

I know from my own and my sister's experience that my mother has a history of

emotionally and physically abusive behavior. I know that my father is not

willing to acknowledge or put an end to that abusive behavior. I have seen no

evidence to suggest that either of my parents has changed their behavior enough

for me to trust them. Therefore, I cannot reasonably expect that my children

would be safe in their care.

My mother is also an emotional pedophile. Children are like drugs to her. She

uses them when she needs to feel loved. She gets some kind of high from soaking

up their cuteness, and when she is particularly vulnerable she will try to make

contact with my kids more often (but we still stick to our limit a short

conversation every 2 weeks at the most). But if they aren't in a cute mood, or

don't do what she wants them to do, then they don't meet her need and she gets

offended and bored. Even if she didn't have a history of being patently abusive

and manipulative, there's still the more subtle mis-use of their persons that

needs to be kept in check.

Right now, this arrangement is still working for us. I have had to address my

mother's behavior a couple of times, and I discuss it in what I think is an

age-appropriate manner with the kids. I still want to provide my children the

opportunity to have fun time with their grandparents, and we talk about ways

they can say no to her or to anyone else in their lives--because they are

definitely going to encounter other abusive people at some point, even if the

time comes when we have to eliminate contact with my parents.

kt

[Guest guest]

As to visits, the grandchild is not yet 2. So far, I only allow short

supervised visits. I had it in my head that I would let her earn my trust by

proving she really had changed and could be a good grandma. She is better than I

expected, however I have witnessed her once accidentally kick the baby (while

walking by her) and then show no remorse or concern, and once call the child's

dress ugly in front of her. So - that's two Bad Grandnada-isms in two years,

which is not the end of the world - but it isn't earning her any trust I can

tell you. Therefore, no unsupervised visits anytime soon.

-Tre