Re: WHAT TO DO...any suggestions please!!

[Guest guest]

NOT AT ALL. You are the parent and if someone wants to have a relationship

with your children they must have you involved. I just posted a response to

another question about BPD grandparents. My nada (short for not-a-mom)

created terrible problems for my family. You are correct to insist on being

involved and anyone who asks for what your mom is asking for is being

unfair. A BPD can be very dangerous to children depending on their specific

symptoms. If you have questions or need support I am here.

--

" By definition, madness ends in one of two ways: clarity...or death. "

-- *Frantic

Purification*

[Guest guest]

You are completely, absolutely right.

And what right does she have trying to get to your children if she's treating

you like dirt? What kind of example would that be to your kids? Do you want

your children to get the message " if someone abuses you . . . you put your

children under their care. "

If she wasn't biologically related to you, would you let her watch your kids?

Sorry--popping off a bit here, but her demand is really, really, really off. It

makes me mad on your behalf. How dare she think she can dismiss you so easily

and still have access to your family like that.

Let's also not forget: she has a strategy for trying to get to your kids. And

that strategy is a collossal smear campaign against you. Your children will be

hurt, confused and manipulated.

Not to mention . . . she doesn't want to dismiss you at all. She just knows she

can still " own " you if she has a connection to your children. It's just one

more way to hook you in. Because (looking into my BPD crystal ball) here is

what will go down: she will do something horrible in front of your children or

to one of your children. You, in good conscience, will have to communicate with

her to discuss it. SHE WINS!! She's got you AND the kids AND power over your

whole family.

Um, no. It's not you.

If it were me, I would tell her " no thank you " and threaten legal action if she

comes near my kids. I would also tell my kids' schools that if grandma comes

by, call the authorities. And let the kids (gently, calmly, with tons of

diplomacy) know that if grandma tries to take them anywhere, DON'T go, and find

the nearest teacher. And then I would let nada know everyone is on the lookout

for her.

Hope that helps. It's definitely not you. She's given you a gift of sorts:

she's let you off the hook for getting peace from her--at least for a season.

Blessings,

Karla

>

> hi everyone

> this is my first time on this site. i have a mother who has bpd and now that i

am 32 years old been married for 8 years with 3 children i have realised this.

my question is that my mother wants to have nothing to do with me or have a

relationship with me but she wants to see my kids. i have told her that its not

going to work for her to see my kids but have nothing to do with me or my

husband...its not creating unity at all. is this wrong??? thanks

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Haleh and other new members,

Welcome to the Group.

No, its not wrong to protect your children from someone who is hostile toward

you. You have the right and the obligation to assess whether contact with your

mother is good for your children or not, and if you figure that contact with her

is more harmful than good, then, that's your call. It doesn't make you a bad

person to control who has contact with your children, putting their safety

first. And I'm not just talking about physical safety, I'm talking about

emotional safety as well.

If your mother has negative or rejecting feelings about you, those feelings

*are* going to be relayed to your children even if its indirectly. Your

children will be bewildered about why they're spending time with someone who

clearly dislikes their mom, and thinks their parents are " bad. "

Your personality-disordered mother may even actively try to buy your children's

loyalty, or encourage them to not see you, their parents, as authority figures.

If your children view bpd-grandma as a higher authority figure than mom and dad,

that would wreak havoc, definitely.

Some of the adult children of personality-disordered parents here at this Group

allow contact between their children and their pd parent, but only supervised

visits that are very short. Other KOs (adult kids of pd parents) don't allow

any contact at all. It depends on the individual circumstances.

Rest assured that its OK to protect your children from emotional abuse, physical

abuse, manipulation, or exploitation from any source, even if its coming from

your own mother or father.

-Annie

>

> hi everyone

> this is my first time on this site. i have a mother who has bpd and now that i

am 32 years old been married for 8 years with 3 children i have realised this.

my question is that my mother wants to have nothing to do with me or have a

relationship with me but she wants to see my kids. i have told her that its not

going to work for her to see my kids but have nothing to do with me or my

husband...its not creating unity at all. is this wrong??? thanks

>

[Guest guest]

Congratulations on setting a boundary with your BPD mother (nada). You should

consider this a success, as a mother, in protecting your children. Protecting

your children is not wrong, it's the very thing that makes you a good mother!

Way to go!

It's not even logical to expect a mother to offer up her children to a crazy

person, all the while this same crazy person dismisses and abuses the

mother............... it's crazy making. BPD's aren't logical and your mother's

nonsense is just another sad example of how insane nada's truely are.

Rest assured, you're doing the right thing. Go with your gut on this one.

Hugs from HF

[Guest guest]

I certainly agree with everyone else to trust your own judgement. It is after

all, your nuclear family and thus your call.

I have a similar problem: My mom (whom I believe has BPD)is also delusional and

believes my partner is torturing and trying to kill her. She also thinks he

controls me. She told her neuropsychiatrist that he is a registered sex

offender, which is sad because of course she was able to look that up and see he

is not.

Anyhow she wants access to our son (5yrs old) without having to see my partner.

So far I have said absolutely not- no splitting us up. In my mind he doesnt

have to be around all the time, but some of the visit for sure. However, my

mom's psychiatrist is suggesting I should allow it because my mom is so unwell

and is facing so many physical as well as psyciatric issues. The neuropsych

says I should " throw her a bone " so to speak and let it happen. Since my son

was born I have had VERY tight boundaries on their contact and my contact with

her. So... I was prepared to try it this last visit, but then found out she had

stopped taking the meds her psychiatrist put her on. Her seeking help is VERY

new and on some level amazing to me. So while I was not surprised, seemed like

throwing her a bone at that moment would be inappropriate.

Anyhow, sometimes it is just so darn exhausting trying to figure all this out!

I try my best to remember that I know what is best for myself and my family.

And also, that changing my limits for her usually hurts her too. " It " will

never be enough (love, time, devotion, help etc).

Good luck to you.

>

> hi everyone

> this is my first time on this site. i have a mother who has bpd and now that i

am 32 years old been married for 8 years with 3 children i have realised this.

my question is that my mother wants to have nothing to do with me or have a

relationship with me but she wants to see my kids. i have told her that its not

going to work for her to see my kids but have nothing to do with me or my

husband...its not creating unity at all. is this wrong??? thanks

>

[Guest guest]

This is a complicated situation indeed. Nada's are terrible guilt mongers

aren't they?!! You're not alone, and you have nothing to feel guilty about

regardless of what your sick mother says. You don't owe your nada an explanation

for ANY of your decisions, I always warn other KO's about divulging too much

information to the nadas because BPD's will always find a way to use it against

you. I have suffered from this also. We can't reason with the unreasonable, can

we?

I think it's important to first decide on the boundary details you truely need

first. So, are you prepared to continue allowing her contact with your kids at

these community events? If the answer is no, then it might be time to strengthen

the boundary somehow. Such as changing venues/activities and telling her that

she is not to follow. If she breaks your boundary then you might have to

consider a restraining order through the police, etc.

This is just an example but the common theme to remember with the BPD's is that

it's never enough for them. If you allow some access, then they'll want more,

and never stop until they have consumed your family completely. My mother is

like this too, although I do not have children yet, I should be clear on that. I

do understand the violation of boundaries though, and constant abuse and

conditional love. I feel for you, this is complicated.

I decided my mother was not worth all the energy. I explained to others who do

not understand,, that my mother is mentally ill and it's not healthy for me to

spend too much time with her. Is it possible to explain this to a 6 year old, in

age appropriate terms? I think likely it is but perhaps a professional

therapist could help you navigate this? Something to consider, I found a

wonderful therapist and it has helped me in spades regarding clarity and

boundaries around my nada.

Hugs from HF.

> > >

> > > hi everyone

> > > this is my first time on this site. i have a mother who has bpd and

> now that i am 32 years old been married for 8 years with 3 children i

> have realised this. my question is that my mother wants to have nothing

> to do with me or have a relationship with me but she wants to see my

> kids. i have told her that its not going to work for her to see my kids

> but have nothing to do with me or my husband...its not creating unity at

> all. is this wrong??? thanks

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

This is a complicated situation indeed. Nada's are terrible guilt mongers

aren't they?!! You're not alone, and you have nothing to feel guilty about

regardless of what your sick mother says. You don't owe your nada an explanation

for ANY of your decisions, I always warn other KO's about divulging too much

information to the nadas because BPD's will always find a way to use it against

you. I have suffered from this also. We can't reason with the unreasonable, can

we?

I think it's important to first decide on the boundary details you truely need

first. So, are you prepared to continue allowing her contact with your kids at

these community events? If the answer is no, then it might be time to strengthen

the boundary somehow. Such as changing venues/activities and telling her that

she is not to follow. If she breaks your boundary then you might have to

consider a restraining order through the police, etc.

This is just an example but the common theme to remember with the BPD's is that

it's never enough for them. If you allow some access, then they'll want more,

and never stop until they have consumed your family completely. My mother is

like this too, although I do not have children yet, I should be clear on that. I

do understand the violation of boundaries though, and constant abuse and

conditional love. I feel for you, this is complicated.

I decided my mother was not worth all the energy. I explained to others who do

not understand,, that my mother is mentally ill and it's not healthy for me to

spend too much time with her. Is it possible to explain this to a 6 year old, in

age appropriate terms? I think likely it is but perhaps a professional

therapist could help you navigate this? Something to consider, I found a

wonderful therapist and it has helped me in spades regarding clarity and

boundaries around my nada.

Hugs from HF.

> > >

> > > hi everyone

> > > this is my first time on this site. i have a mother who has bpd and

> now that i am 32 years old been married for 8 years with 3 children i

> have realised this. my question is that my mother wants to have nothing

> to do with me or have a relationship with me but she wants to see my

> kids. i have told her that its not going to work for her to see my kids

> but have nothing to do with me or my husband...its not creating unity at

> all. is this wrong??? thanks

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Here's what I've found with my own kid, who is 7. She doesn't understand that

her grandmother has BPD; she does know that I don't get along with her and that

sometimes " Grandy is mean. "

I'm not exactly proud of that, but I honestly don't know how else to handle it.

I went out of my way for the first 3 years of my child's life to include her

grandmother in it. I didn't want to deprive my child the chance to know Grandy

just because my relationship with her was bad. But Nada became more and more

inappropriate around my child, so I had to cut down the visits. After a couple

of bizarre incidents, my husband and I decided that our kid could *not* be

around my mother unsupervised. (My mother tried to give my 5 month old a drink

of beer to " help " with her fussiness. When my child was 3, my mother announced

that she'd most certainly been molested by either my dad or my father in law and

gave me a child's book on molestation that I was supposed to read to my child. I

threw it away. My mother's molestation charges were ridiculous as my child has

never even been alone with either one of the grandfathers. The grandfathers are

from that era of dads who have no idea how to take care of a child and they just

don't care to be left alone with them.)

It also just became so uncomfortable to visit Nada with my child becasue my

child doesn't know all of the intracacies of Nada's " rules " . What you can touch,

what you can't, how things are to be handled, etc., etc., etc. and i'd just sit

there the whole time tensing up whenever my child did something " wrong " ,

realizing that Nada's rules were just arbitrary and needlessly harsh.

So, frankly, my kid doesn't care to be around my mother very much and luckily my

husband and sisters-in-law are very supportive of that decision. When my child

has more questions later, I'll tell the whole story, and my husband will back me

up. I don't want my kid to think that I'm keeping Grandy away out of some sort

of weird spite on my part.

My policy with my kid is that I try to tell the truth. Sometimes I may not give

all the information right away, but I don't lie. I experienced WAY too much

lying when I was growing up.

[Guest guest]

Here's what I've found with my own kid, who is 7. She doesn't understand that

her grandmother has BPD; she does know that I don't get along with her and that

sometimes " Grandy is mean. "

I'm not exactly proud of that, but I honestly don't know how else to handle it.

I went out of my way for the first 3 years of my child's life to include her

grandmother in it. I didn't want to deprive my child the chance to know Grandy

just because my relationship with her was bad. But Nada became more and more

inappropriate around my child, so I had to cut down the visits. After a couple

of bizarre incidents, my husband and I decided that our kid could *not* be

around my mother unsupervised. (My mother tried to give my 5 month old a drink

of beer to " help " with her fussiness. When my child was 3, my mother announced

that she'd most certainly been molested by either my dad or my father in law and

gave me a child's book on molestation that I was supposed to read to my child. I

threw it away. My mother's molestation charges were ridiculous as my child has

never even been alone with either one of the grandfathers. The grandfathers are

from that era of dads who have no idea how to take care of a child and they just

don't care to be left alone with them.)

It also just became so uncomfortable to visit Nada with my child becasue my

child doesn't know all of the intracacies of Nada's " rules " . What you can touch,

what you can't, how things are to be handled, etc., etc., etc. and i'd just sit

there the whole time tensing up whenever my child did something " wrong " ,

realizing that Nada's rules were just arbitrary and needlessly harsh.

So, frankly, my kid doesn't care to be around my mother very much and luckily my

husband and sisters-in-law are very supportive of that decision. When my child

has more questions later, I'll tell the whole story, and my husband will back me

up. I don't want my kid to think that I'm keeping Grandy away out of some sort

of weird spite on my part.

My policy with my kid is that I try to tell the truth. Sometimes I may not give

all the information right away, but I don't lie. I experienced WAY too much

lying when I was growing up.