Mother in Laws

[Guest guest]

Oh, don't feel for me. I love my mother-in-law. She's an amazing woman and we have a great relationship.When she calls me fat, my husband doesn't have to say anything because I talk back to her. She told me I was fat when we were shopping alone together. The first time, I told her to stop. The second time, I told if she said it again, I would leave her at the outlet mall alone. She stopped.She told me to exercise more because it would make me thinner and I told her that her son liked my chest and butt as they are now, because I have "a big American chest." She told me I needed braces to fix a gap in my teeth and that I would be more beautiful. (In Korean culture, if you have a gap between your teeth, it means you'll lose all of your money.) I told her it was OK because I was already rather

beautiful. My husband was horrified, because this was on our third meeting--my mother was amused and said I was a smart woman.She tells me I should eat less while shoving food in my face. I call her on it and she says she worries about me being hungry. I tell her fine, then I would happily eat her delicious food and get fat.When I sass back to Mother, she says, "Aiiiiiiggggoooooo [oh my God], my foreign daughter-in-law is so funny!"My mother-in-law supports my belly dancing, my taekwondo (which I'm not doing right now because the local school owner is a thief), my work, my grad classes, ME. She scolds my husband when he doesn't help out around the house. She told me my husband needed to cook more, and I asked why she didn't teach him to cook. She said, "Ah! , he was supposed to marry a Korean woman! I am sorry, will you teach him how to cook?" So I do, and then she

expects him to cook, even when I say I like cooking. She's amazing.My husband will come between us when needed--the battles over tomato juice and fabric softener come to mind--but in this matter, he doesn't need to come between us. I stand up for myself and it's pretty much water off of my back.I should say--I lived in Korea for two years and did taekwondo in public for demos and I got used to having STRANGERS comment on my weight. It really is cultural, and as weird as it is, it is a sign of care. (Telling someone they look sick or they're too thin or they look tired are also all signs of care, too. I knew of a Korean exchange student who came to America. She'd been burned on her arms when she was a child, and she thought none of her American friends cared about her because they never asked how it happened. She was coming at it from a Korean viewpoint, and they were being good American

friends.)Because I lived in Korea and got used to the culture, there are a lot of things I let roll off of my back. If I had only lived in America and if my mother-in-law were an immigrant who should "know" American culture (whatever that means), I might feel differently. And I feel like I married into her family, she didn't marry into mine, so *I* need to be the more flexible one. I know others disagree with me, but that's how I feel.Also, the comments Mother make are such a small, small portion of our time together, they just don't really bother me. If I made a huge deal over these minor, cultural incidents, I don't think I'd have the relationship with her I have. What's more important to me is that she accepts me as her daughter, and cares for me, and teaches me how to cook Korean food, and comforts me when I'm upset, and helps me. I have the best relationship with my mother-in-law of any of my

friends who are married to Korean men (and I know a half dozen other couples like us), and I'm not going to jeopardize it over her repeating a line she grew up hearing as a Korean.Subject: Re: a lot of free timeTo: "IntuitiveEating_Support " <IntuitiveEating_Support >Date: Wednesday, May 25, 2011, 12:59 PM

I feel for the two women who spoke of their Korean mom's scolding. My own mother and grandmother used to do the same to me. It feels awful. I have a new relationship with my mother but I will say she figured it out when I gained a lot of weight int unhappy marriage. It doesn't help or work to scold. Now she says nothing and she knows that the best way to help me is to be supportive in my happiness. I would ask both of you what your husbands say about this?Patti