Re: Worked out a trigger

[Guest guest]

<<it set the rest of my life up on a mission to gain respect,understanding and

consideration.>>

Man, this is preaching to my choir! I can totally identify with the anger in

dealing with self centered, inconsiderate people. After being denied in my

childhood basic human respect, I find being dissed by other adults is a huge

trigger. I just wish I could have expressed it as eloquently as you did!

>

> As an adult I am constantly triggered by people that don't consider my

feelings on issues or just do what they want even when it involves me. I have

finally realised why this annoys me so much. Growing up with a BPD Nada and a

NPD Fada there was no thoughts to my feelings and all my attention had to be

given to them. I served their needs and forgot about mine.

> Everything that was important to me was played down. I grew up very quick and

parented myself. I realise now it is the lack of empathy I received and I

craved for it. Now as an adult when someone is just being self-centered and

demanding too much of me, or treating me with no consideration, it causes a

reaction in me of extreme anger.

> Boundary work has definatley helped me to set my personal standards. I

recently had my Fada visiting and it was so draining. I ran around after him

like the King of England. It was enlightning as I haven't spent time alone with

him for many years. I seen his NPD as a sickness for the first time ever. It

made me realise how far I had come as I didn't react to half of what I would of

years ago.

> I did react when we took him to dinner and he informed the waiter from a good

stance behind us to put a tip on OUR credit card that we were paying dinner

with.

> People pleasing is definately a way I kept the peace in my family.

> Nada is a waife so her demands were high as well.

> As an adult now I even struggle with people that just arrive for a visit

unannounced.

> I think when my personal space was violated and I was over-looked as a child

and my emotional needs weren't met, it set the rest of my life up on a mission

to gain respect,understanding and consideration.

> I also spent many years being over dramatic to gain attention from others.

Makes sense to over amp things to get people to listen. That is under control

now with awareness and alot of personal growth work.

> So I don't think triggers ever go away. They may lesson as we become more

aware. I know I will always need to be validated and respected, and hey is that

such a bad thing? I just make sure I seek out givers in my life rather than the

takers.

> Kazam x

>

[Guest guest]

<<it set the rest of my life up on a mission to gain respect,understanding and

consideration.>>

Man, this is preaching to my choir! I can totally identify with the anger in

dealing with self centered, inconsiderate people. After being denied in my

childhood basic human respect, I find being dissed by other adults is a huge

trigger. I just wish I could have expressed it as eloquently as you did!

>

> As an adult I am constantly triggered by people that don't consider my

feelings on issues or just do what they want even when it involves me. I have

finally realised why this annoys me so much. Growing up with a BPD Nada and a

NPD Fada there was no thoughts to my feelings and all my attention had to be

given to them. I served their needs and forgot about mine.

> Everything that was important to me was played down. I grew up very quick and

parented myself. I realise now it is the lack of empathy I received and I

craved for it. Now as an adult when someone is just being self-centered and

demanding too much of me, or treating me with no consideration, it causes a

reaction in me of extreme anger.

> Boundary work has definatley helped me to set my personal standards. I

recently had my Fada visiting and it was so draining. I ran around after him

like the King of England. It was enlightning as I haven't spent time alone with

him for many years. I seen his NPD as a sickness for the first time ever. It

made me realise how far I had come as I didn't react to half of what I would of

years ago.

> I did react when we took him to dinner and he informed the waiter from a good

stance behind us to put a tip on OUR credit card that we were paying dinner

with.

> People pleasing is definately a way I kept the peace in my family.

> Nada is a waife so her demands were high as well.

> As an adult now I even struggle with people that just arrive for a visit

unannounced.

> I think when my personal space was violated and I was over-looked as a child

and my emotional needs weren't met, it set the rest of my life up on a mission

to gain respect,understanding and consideration.

> I also spent many years being over dramatic to gain attention from others.

Makes sense to over amp things to get people to listen. That is under control

now with awareness and alot of personal growth work.

> So I don't think triggers ever go away. They may lesson as we become more

aware. I know I will always need to be validated and respected, and hey is that

such a bad thing? I just make sure I seek out givers in my life rather than the

takers.

> Kazam x

>

[Guest guest]

>> As an adult now I even struggle with people that just arrive for a visit

unannounced.

>>

It is interesting that you bring this up. I hate this about myself. My husband

has tried to be patient, but gets fed up with my antisocial tendencies and bad

attitude. His family and friends have a stop-by, old down south kind of way

about them. It's great in theory; but I don't handle the unannounced visit

thing well at all. I try so hard to be gracious, but feel enraged.

I could not stand the sound of the phone ringing for a couple of years; actually

got rid of it entirely. I'm the kind of person who tends to take things to an

extreme. It worked, though, and now I have a cell with cute music that makes me

laugh. Unintentionally it helped back the aggressors off in my family as well.

I'm the youngest and the one who had all the " problems " - so they all felt the

need to tell me what to do (or not do). :-)

I am noticing much improvement in this area since I stood up to nada (in my mind

at least). Finally quit accepting the guilt she heaped on me and realized that

it's not my job to fix her life. Hooray! Now I've been enjoying visits and

even offered to host Thanksgiving!!! Actually looking forward to it. (This is

for my in-laws, so it's pretty fun.)

[Guest guest]

Kazam,thanks for sharing this

You bring up a very important point RE seeking out givers rather than

takers.I think that adding on or including in as much positivity and positive

experiences in our lives as we can is just as important as trying to avoid

having too much negativity in our lives--having " giving experiences " also frees

up the psyche and loosens up the constrictions that were placed on us by

nada/fada.

I can totally relate to growing up with no thoughts for your feelings

and instead having to constantly cater to the needs of nada/fada.When we aren't

given empathy or understanding for our feelings and emotional needs as children

I think that we are deprived of the natural equilibrium that comes with having

an internal " emotional compass " to consult that would guide us through

situations where we'd expect or demand consideration/respect/understanding--so

there is a tendancy to either over or under react to people or situations when

we need to have those needs met or honored.I do think that cultivating

relationhips with givers helps us to construct such an internal compass (that

gauges healthy give and take) whereas having too many takers in our lives is

akin to having that compass continuously snatched from our hands and trampled

upon--which is what nada/fada did to us,so it's like being triggered back to the

original deprivation.

I think everyone has a basic need to be validated and respected--and

seeking out relationships where that is more likely to happen is simply giving

ourselves the good care and consideration we missed out on as children but can

certainly have now as adults.

Congratulations on being able to give yourself that pat on the back by

realizing how far you have come during your fada's visit and for working out

this trigger

>

> As an adult I am constantly triggered by people that don't consider my

feelings on issues or just do what they want even when it involves me. I have

finally realised why this annoys me so much. Growing up with a BPD Nada and a

NPD Fada there was no thoughts to my feelings and all my attention had to be

given to them. I served their needs and forgot about mine.

> Everything that was important to me was played down. I grew up very quick and

parented myself. I realise now it is the lack of empathy I received and I

craved for it. Now as an adult when someone is just being self-centered and

demanding too much of me, or treating me with no consideration, it causes a

reaction in me of extreme anger.

> Boundary work has definatley helped me to set my personal standards. I

recently had my Fada visiting and it was so draining. I ran around after him

like the King of England. It was enlightning as I haven't spent time alone with

him for many years. I seen his NPD as a sickness for the first time ever. It

made me realise how far I had come as I didn't react to half of what I would of

years ago.

> I did react when we took him to dinner and he informed the waiter from a good

stance behind us to put a tip on OUR credit card that we were paying dinner

with.

> People pleasing is definately a way I kept the peace in my family.

> Nada is a waife so her demands were high as well.

> As an adult now I even struggle with people that just arrive for a visit

unannounced.

> I think when my personal space was violated and I was over-looked as a child

and my emotional needs weren't met, it set the rest of my life up on a mission

to gain respect,understanding and consideration.

> I also spent many years being over dramatic to gain attention from others.

Makes sense to over amp things to get people to listen. That is under control

now with awareness and alot of personal growth work.

> So I don't think triggers ever go away. They may lesson as we become more

aware. I know I will always need to be validated and respected, and hey is that

such a bad thing? I just make sure I seek out givers in my life rather than the

takers.

> Kazam x

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks and well said.

Kazam x

> >

> > As an adult I am constantly triggered by people that don't consider my

feelings on issues or just do what they want even when it involves me. I have

finally realised why this annoys me so much. Growing up with a BPD Nada and a

NPD Fada there was no thoughts to my feelings and all my attention had to be

given to them. I served their needs and forgot about mine.

> > Everything that was important to me was played down. I grew up very quick

and parented myself. I realise now it is the lack of empathy I received and I

craved for it. Now as an adult when someone is just being self-centered and

demanding too much of me, or treating me with no consideration, it causes a

reaction in me of extreme anger.

> > Boundary work has definatley helped me to set my personal standards. I

recently had my Fada visiting and it was so draining. I ran around after him

like the King of England. It was enlightning as I haven't spent time alone with

him for many years. I seen his NPD as a sickness for the first time ever. It

made me realise how far I had come as I didn't react to half of what I would of

years ago.

> > I did react when we took him to dinner and he informed the waiter from a

good stance behind us to put a tip on OUR credit card that we were paying dinner

with.

> > People pleasing is definately a way I kept the peace in my family.

> > Nada is a waife so her demands were high as well.

> > As an adult now I even struggle with people that just arrive for a visit

unannounced.

> > I think when my personal space was violated and I was over-looked as a child

and my emotional needs weren't met, it set the rest of my life up on a mission

to gain respect,understanding and consideration.

> > I also spent many years being over dramatic to gain attention from others.

Makes sense to over amp things to get people to listen. That is under control

now with awareness and alot of personal growth work.

> > So I don't think triggers ever go away. They may lesson as we become more

aware. I know I will always need to be validated and respected, and hey is that

such a bad thing? I just make sure I seek out givers in my life rather than the

takers.

> > Kazam x

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks and well said.

Kazam x

> >

> > As an adult I am constantly triggered by people that don't consider my

feelings on issues or just do what they want even when it involves me. I have

finally realised why this annoys me so much. Growing up with a BPD Nada and a

NPD Fada there was no thoughts to my feelings and all my attention had to be

given to them. I served their needs and forgot about mine.

> > Everything that was important to me was played down. I grew up very quick

and parented myself. I realise now it is the lack of empathy I received and I

craved for it. Now as an adult when someone is just being self-centered and

demanding too much of me, or treating me with no consideration, it causes a

reaction in me of extreme anger.

> > Boundary work has definatley helped me to set my personal standards. I

recently had my Fada visiting and it was so draining. I ran around after him

like the King of England. It was enlightning as I haven't spent time alone with

him for many years. I seen his NPD as a sickness for the first time ever. It

made me realise how far I had come as I didn't react to half of what I would of

years ago.

> > I did react when we took him to dinner and he informed the waiter from a

good stance behind us to put a tip on OUR credit card that we were paying dinner

with.

> > People pleasing is definately a way I kept the peace in my family.

> > Nada is a waife so her demands were high as well.

> > As an adult now I even struggle with people that just arrive for a visit

unannounced.

> > I think when my personal space was violated and I was over-looked as a child

and my emotional needs weren't met, it set the rest of my life up on a mission

to gain respect,understanding and consideration.

> > I also spent many years being over dramatic to gain attention from others.

Makes sense to over amp things to get people to listen. That is under control

now with awareness and alot of personal growth work.

> > So I don't think triggers ever go away. They may lesson as we become more

aware. I know I will always need to be validated and respected, and hey is that

such a bad thing? I just make sure I seek out givers in my life rather than the

takers.

> > Kazam x

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Wow Kazam and

 

This is so true. But I still find myself becoming involved in takers instead of

givers. I think I feel very uncomfortable with givers i.e. not deserving enough?

I have trouble with intimate relationships both male and female.

 

I finally see that my Nada gave birth to me and is in no way and could never be

a mother or a grandmother.

Subject: Re: Worked out a trigger

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Saturday, November 20, 2010, 7:38 PM

 

Thanks and well said.

Kazam x

> >

> > As an adult I am constantly triggered by people that don't consider my

feelings on issues or just do what they want even when it involves me. I have

finally realised why this annoys me so much. Growing up with a BPD Nada and a

NPD Fada there was no thoughts to my feelings and all my attention had to be

given to them. I served their needs and forgot about mine.

> > Everything that was important to me was played down. I grew up very quick

and parented myself. I realise now it is the lack of empathy I received and I

craved for it. Now as an adult when someone is just being self-centered and

demanding too much of me, or treating me with no consideration, it causes a

reaction in me of extreme anger.

> > Boundary work has definatley helped me to set my personal standards. I

recently had my Fada visiting and it was so draining. I ran around after him

like the King of England. It was enlightning as I haven't spent time alone with

him for many years. I seen his NPD as a sickness for the first time ever. It

made me realise how far I had come as I didn't react to half of what I would of

years ago.

> > I did react when we took him to dinner and he informed the waiter from a

good stance behind us to put a tip on OUR credit card that we were paying dinner

with.

> > People pleasing is definately a way I kept the peace in my family.

> > Nada is a waife so her demands were high as well.

> > As an adult now I even struggle with people that just arrive for a visit

unannounced.

> > I think when my personal space was violated and I was over-looked as a child

and my emotional needs weren't met, it set the rest of my life up on a mission

to gain respect,understanding and consideration.

> > I also spent many years being over dramatic to gain attention from others.

Makes sense to over amp things to get people to listen. That is under control

now with awareness and alot of personal growth work.

> > So I don't think triggers ever go away. They may lesson as we become more

aware. I know I will always need to be validated and respected, and hey is that

such a bad thing? I just make sure I seek out givers in my life rather than the

takers.

> > Kazam x

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I too still find it somewhat difficult to be around or have relationships with

" givers " because, perhaps, I still feel that there is an unstated but very real

price attached to the gift, as there virtually always was with my nada: an

expectation of some kind; I feel a kind of undertow of anxiety when I'm the

recipient of a sweet and generous or thoughtful gift. But I'm better at

graciously accepting a gift than I used to be. It's hard, but its possible.

It still feels safer to me to be the giver than to be given to, for some reason.

-Annie

> > >

> > > As an adult I am constantly triggered by people that don't consider my

feelings on issues or just do what they want even when it involves me. I have

finally realised why this annoys me so much. Growing up with a BPD Nada and a

NPD Fada there was no thoughts to my feelings and all my attention had to be

given to them. I served their needs and forgot about mine.

> > > Everything that was important to me was played down. I grew up very quick

and parented myself. I realise now it is the lack of empathy I received and I

craved for it. Now as an adult when someone is just being self-centered and

demanding too much of me, or treating me with no consideration, it causes a

reaction in me of extreme anger.

> > > Boundary work has definatley helped me to set my personal standards. I

recently had my Fada visiting and it was so draining. I ran around after him

like the King of England. It was enlightning as I haven't spent time alone with

him for many years. I seen his NPD as a sickness for the first time ever. It

made me realise how far I had come as I didn't react to half of what I would of

years ago.

> > > I did react when we took him to dinner and he informed the waiter from a

good stance behind us to put a tip on OUR credit card that we were paying dinner

with.

> > > People pleasing is definately a way I kept the peace in my family.

> > > Nada is a waife so her demands were high as well.

> > > As an adult now I even struggle with people that just arrive for a visit

unannounced.

> > > I think when my personal space was violated and I was over-looked as a

child and my emotional needs weren't met, it set the rest of my life up on a

mission to gain respect,understanding and consideration.

> > > I also spent many years being over dramatic to gain attention from others.

Makes sense to over amp things to get people to listen. That is under control

now with awareness and alot of personal growth work.

> > > So I don't think triggers ever go away. They may lesson as we become more

aware. I know I will always need to be validated and respected, and hey is that

such a bad thing? I just make sure I seek out givers in my life rather than the

takers.

> > > Kazam x

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I also have trouble being around givers. I am still on HIGH ALERT when I meet

someone that is over friendly and self disclosing on first contact. Especially

people wanting to get to know me very quickly, flatttering me and offering to do

nice things. Usually manipulation city. Safe people also take their time to get

to know you in most cases I have found.

From experience I avoid this like the plague and usually I am right by the

person's motives down the track.

Over the years I have always had enmeshed relationships on every level. I

distanced myself when I realised what I was doing and went through a period of

solitude. I still don't let a lot of people in, but I have found by doing this

I have attracted safe, undemanding, simple, reliable friendships with givers.

Friendships are slowly formed I think over time, and so now I don't jump in head

first and just stay protective of myself. I am not lonely anymore and feel like

there is something wrong with me for not being as friendly as I once was. I

just have a handfull of real caring people in my life now. It is better to have

a few true friends than many aquaintances. I also don't feel the need to share

my life story to make friendships. I love it now when over time I might share

something to a friend and blow them away about the information.

Self protection was my key. When in doubt and those prickles go up on my skin

for reasons I can't explain I go with it and run for my " LIFE " LOL..........

Kazam x

> > > >

> > > > As an adult I am constantly triggered by people that don't consider my

feelings on issues or just do what they want even when it involves me. I have

finally realised why this annoys me so much. Growing up with a BPD Nada and a

NPD Fada there was no thoughts to my feelings and all my attention had to be

given to them. I served their needs and forgot about mine.

> > > > Everything that was important to me was played down. I grew up very

quick and parented myself. I realise now it is the lack of empathy I received

and I craved for it. Now as an adult when someone is just being self-centered

and demanding too much of me, or treating me with no consideration, it causes a

reaction in me of extreme anger.

> > > > Boundary work has definatley helped me to set my personal standards. I

recently had my Fada visiting and it was so draining. I ran around after him

like the King of England. It was enlightning as I haven't spent time alone with

him for many years. I seen his NPD as a sickness for the first time ever. It

made me realise how far I had come as I didn't react to half of what I would of

years ago.

> > > > I did react when we took him to dinner and he informed the waiter from a

good stance behind us to put a tip on OUR credit card that we were paying dinner

with.

> > > > People pleasing is definately a way I kept the peace in my family.

> > > > Nada is a waife so her demands were high as well.

> > > > As an adult now I even struggle with people that just arrive for a visit

unannounced.

> > > > I think when my personal space was violated and I was over-looked as a

child and my emotional needs weren't met, it set the rest of my life up on a

mission to gain respect,understanding and consideration.

> > > > I also spent many years being over dramatic to gain attention from

others. Makes sense to over amp things to get people to listen. That is under

control now with awareness and alot of personal growth work.

> > > > So I don't think triggers ever go away. They may lesson as we become

more aware. I know I will always need to be validated and respected, and hey is

that such a bad thing? I just make sure I seek out givers in my life rather than

the takers.

> > > > Kazam x

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Yes, your policy for making and keeping friends (slow and steady) resonates with

me.

Its very much like what the book " The Gift of Fear " talks about: that most of

the time if some new acquaintance is too friendly too fast, is too ingratiating

and too eager to confide their whole life story to you too soon, if they're too

demanding of your time and attention when they barely know you and too

forthcoming too quickly with gifts... those behaviors are usually indicative

that a manipulation is in progress.

The pushy, aggressively friendly person comes across to me like a high-pressure

salesman, which instantly ratchets all my " personal security detectors " into

" high alert " status.

-Annie

> > > > >

> > > > > As an adult I am constantly triggered by people that don't consider my

feelings on issues or just do what they want even when it involves me. I have

finally realised why this annoys me so much. Growing up with a BPD Nada and a

NPD Fada there was no thoughts to my feelings and all my attention had to be

given to them. I served their needs and forgot about mine.

> > > > > Everything that was important to me was played down. I grew up very

quick and parented myself. I realise now it is the lack of empathy I received

and I craved for it. Now as an adult when someone is just being self-centered

and demanding too much of me, or treating me with no consideration, it causes a

reaction in me of extreme anger.

> > > > > Boundary work has definatley helped me to set my personal standards. I

recently had my Fada visiting and it was so draining. I ran around after him

like the King of England. It was enlightning as I haven't spent time alone with

him for many years. I seen his NPD as a sickness for the first time ever. It

made me realise how far I had come as I didn't react to half of what I would of

years ago.

> > > > > I did react when we took him to dinner and he informed the waiter from

a good stance behind us to put a tip on OUR credit card that we were paying

dinner with.

> > > > > People pleasing is definately a way I kept the peace in my family.

> > > > > Nada is a waife so her demands were high as well.

> > > > > As an adult now I even struggle with people that just arrive for a

visit unannounced.

> > > > > I think when my personal space was violated and I was over-looked as a

child and my emotional needs weren't met, it set the rest of my life up on a

mission to gain respect,understanding and consideration.

> > > > > I also spent many years being over dramatic to gain attention from

others. Makes sense to over amp things to get people to listen. That is under

control now with awareness and alot of personal growth work.

> > > > > So I don't think triggers ever go away. They may lesson as we become

more aware. I know I will always need to be validated and respected, and hey is

that such a bad thing? I just make sure I seek out givers in my life rather than

the takers.

> > > > > Kazam x

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

thanks for sharing this. I have been dealing with it an awful lot lately. It

triggers meltdowns in me. Where I break things. I am not proud of this. I had

one a few days go in reaction to this and some other things. I haven't had one

in ages. It is also a family distortion campaign that is going on and is

lifelong. I have to learn to deal with it. It is overwhelmingly painful for me

and I freak out.

>

> As an adult I am constantly triggered by people that don't consider my

feelings on issues or just do what they want even when it involves me. I have

finally realised why this annoys me so much. Growing up with a BPD Nada and a

NPD Fada there was no thoughts to my feelings and all my attention had to be

given to them. I served their needs and forgot about mine.

> Everything that was important to me was played down. I grew up very quick and

parented myself. I realise now it is the lack of empathy I received and I

craved for it. Now as an adult when someone is just being self-centered and

demanding too much of me, or treating me with no consideration, it causes a

reaction in me of extreme anger.

> Boundary work has definatley helped me to set my personal standards. I

recently had my Fada visiting and it was so draining. I ran around after him

like the King of England. It was enlightning as I haven't spent time alone with

him for many years. I seen his NPD as a sickness for the first time ever. It

made me realise how far I had come as I didn't react to half of what I would of

years ago.

> I did react when we took him to dinner and he informed the waiter from a good

stance behind us to put a tip on OUR credit card that we were paying dinner

with.

> People pleasing is definately a way I kept the peace in my family.

> Nada is a waife so her demands were high as well.

> As an adult now I even struggle with people that just arrive for a visit

unannounced.

> I think when my personal space was violated and I was over-looked as a child

and my emotional needs weren't met, it set the rest of my life up on a mission

to gain respect,understanding and consideration.

> I also spent many years being over dramatic to gain attention from others.

Makes sense to over amp things to get people to listen. That is under control

now with awareness and alot of personal growth work.

> So I don't think triggers ever go away. They may lesson as we become more

aware. I know I will always need to be validated and respected, and hey is that

such a bad thing? I just make sure I seek out givers in my life rather than the

takers.

> Kazam x

>