Re: Reactions to Nada's crazy behavior

[Guest guest]

Hi Jade, and welcome.

I put up a wall too. A real heavy-duty one. And sometimes she still gets

through. I also think of the comments as food for fun conversations later with

my partner - i.e. " Can you believe she said this? " But of course it's such a

painful kind of 'fun'.

I also feel like I've gotten better at letting things roll off my back, I think

of it as 'not biting' when she lures a comment intended to get a reaction. But

it doesn't always work. Nadas can be inexhaustible in the energy towards finding

new ways to cause pain. I think of it as she somehow needs it, and no matter how

much the angel on one shoulder is telling her to play nice, the devil on the

other shoulder is somehow stronger, and overcomes her best intentions. (I do

believe that mine has good intentions in there too).

Anyway - I think you do need to walk out of the room, or somehow draw boundaries

around mean comments. For me sometimes the direct approach has worked. Simply

stopping the conversation and explaining that her comment hurt my feelings

(making it an " I feel " message instead of a " you did " message).

My brother took the 'turtle' approach. He just hides in his shell, everything

roles off his back. But it has come back to bite him in his very low

self-esteem. I think we have to acknowledge that a Nada is a person who raised

us and has an incredible power to hurt no matter how big we think our wall is.

So be aware and take care.

-Tre

>

> I have noticed that my reactions to Nada's crazy behavior have really started

to make a turn around. Before, when she would say something completely out of

line or completely wrong, I would cry. Now, I find myself thinking its

absolutely hysterical. I actually end up calling my friends and we have a good

laugh about it. Don't get me wrong, there are still some days that I feel like

crying, but I am getting better at putting up a wall between me and Nada. Every

day, I add a couple more bricks to that wall.

>

> I also find myself completely ignoring Nada. Or, if I am home and she makes a

mean comment, I just look at her and tilt my head to the side. She starts to

fumble with what she was trying insult me about and says something to the extent

of " I was just kidding. " Ah, her usual cover up for why it was ok to say a

rotten comment. But, by handling the situation this way, it seems to blow over

really quickly, for the most part that is.

>

> Today, my nada made a mean comment, and I simply walked out of the room. As I

walked into the other room, I could hear her freaking out about how she was

gonna cover her tracks. I cant deny the fact that it made me feel really good

that I was able to let her comment go in one ear and out the other.

>

> I am really interested in hearing more advice on how to handle nada's

behavior. As I am new to this board, if you have tips, I wold love to hear

them.

>

> Thanks,

> Jade

>

[Guest guest]

Reflective listening is an interesting tool. Essentially, you repeat back to

your nada what she said to you. E.g.) " So you think I am stupid, is that what I

am hearing nada? " and then it forces her to either confirm or reject it. Either

way, repeat it back to her again, and I like to also ask if there's anything

else with that. E.g.) " So you think I am stupid nada, is that what I am hearing?

What else do you think?? "

They can also never claim that you don't listen to them.

[Guest guest]

My technique got me in a bit of trouble but it was well worth it. I didn't go to

jail for strangling her as she raged at me! LOL! I would stand infront of her

(this was in my early-mid 20s). As her mouth moved and insults came flying out,

I heard NOTHING. All I could hear was my mantra resounding of the sides of my

skull: " Like water of a duck's back...like water off a ducks back...like

water... " . I learned to nod my head, look I was listening and get it over ASAP.

Then she would walk away and leave me wondering " Oh sh!t! What did I just agree

to? " lol!! I very well couldn't go back and ask, it would prove I wasn't

listening, but since nada has NO confidence in my abilities to function as a

human, she would often come back and " remind " me a few hours later, but much

more briefly than the 1st. Usu a " You are so forgetful that I am reminding you

that you agreed to run to the post office for me before it closes. " or " Don't

forget to ask your husband to pay for 1/2 of my gardening supplies. " etc. It

wasn't the best way to handle it, but living with her would definately have

resulted in at least 1 body bag leaving the property, had I done it any other

way.

>

> I have noticed that my reactions to Nada's crazy behavior have really started

to make a turn around. Before, when she would say something completely out of

line or completely wrong, I would cry. Now, I find myself thinking its

absolutely hysterical. I actually end up calling my friends and we have a good

laugh about it. Don't get me wrong, there are still some days that I feel like

crying, but I am getting better at putting up a wall between me and Nada. Every

day, I add a couple more bricks to that wall.

>

> I also find myself completely ignoring Nada. Or, if I am home and she makes a

mean comment, I just look at her and tilt my head to the side. She starts to

fumble with what she was trying insult me about and says something to the extent

of " I was just kidding. " Ah, her usual cover up for why it was ok to say a

rotten comment. But, by handling the situation this way, it seems to blow over

really quickly, for the most part that is.

>

> Today, my nada made a mean comment, and I simply walked out of the room. As I

walked into the other room, I could hear her freaking out about how she was

gonna cover her tracks. I cant deny the fact that it made me feel really good

that I was able to let her comment go in one ear and out the other.

>

> I am really interested in hearing more advice on how to handle nada's

behavior. As I am new to this board, if you have tips, I wold love to hear

them.

>

> Thanks,

> Jade

>

[Guest guest]

HI

I posted a reply - it didn't show up? So here's a shorter version:

I also do the thing where I think of the crazy mean comments as fodder for fun

conversations later. It helps to distance them and takes away their power.

I also have a wall, and she always finds holes. But a wall is a good tool to

start with.

I sometimes use a direct approach. Pointing out that what she just said hurt my

feelings. I use an " I feel " message, and try not to make it sound like I'm

accusing her of anything. She generally responds to this with an apology,

although I also suspect it might give her a bit of a high, knowing that her

remark hit home.

I also unfortunately have to withdraw any feelings for her, think of her as the

crazy lady who I visit as a charity project. It's another distancing technique.

-Tre

>

> I have noticed that my reactions to Nada's crazy behavior have really started

to make a turn around. Before, when she would say something completely out of

line or completely wrong, I would cry. Now, I find myself thinking its

absolutely hysterical. I actually end up calling my friends and we have a good

laugh about it. Don't get me wrong, there are still some days that I feel like

crying, but I am getting better at putting up a wall between me and Nada. Every

day, I add a couple more bricks to that wall.

>

> I also find myself completely ignoring Nada. Or, if I am home and she makes a

mean comment, I just look at her and tilt my head to the side. She starts to

fumble with what she was trying insult me about and says something to the extent

of " I was just kidding. " Ah, her usual cover up for why it was ok to say a

rotten comment. But, by handling the situation this way, it seems to blow over

really quickly, for the most part that is.

>

> Today, my nada made a mean comment, and I simply walked out of the room. As I

walked into the other room, I could hear her freaking out about how she was

gonna cover her tracks. I cant deny the fact that it made me feel really good

that I was able to let her comment go in one ear and out the other.

>

> I am really interested in hearing more advice on how to handle nada's

behavior. As I am new to this board, if you have tips, I wold love to hear

them.

>

> Thanks,

> Jade

>

[Guest guest]

Mantras are helpful. I'm thinking another helpful mantra might be " Never live

with nada " I can't imagine anything more miserable, save the 5th circle of hell.

What is it about nada's that they always seem to get their way, even when it

involves invading your home and creating havoc under the very roof you pay for?

My nada tried to live with me a few times, for a long time she was trying to

convince me to buy a house with a " mother-in-law " suite in the basement. Yeah

right, i'd rather walk on hot coals!!!

[Guest guest]

well, I fell for it. she proprosed a " deal " when I was 24 or so. We would buy

her house for the current mortgage, she would finance the building of an in-law

apt to be added on. Dh had to do most of the construction work to save her $$$.

In turn, she would die soon (yet another promise she reneged on! LOL!) and we

would be able to keep the house because our name was on it. We ended up paying

100% of the mortgage payment, plus the addition and then some. I know in my

nada's case she was fearing my bros departure for college. That meant she was

going to be ALONE. Even tho I LIVED ACROSS THE STREET it wasn't close enough. If

only I had the insight that I have now...I would have told her there is a REASON

she is ALL ALONE and it starts with the letters BPD!

>

> Mantras are helpful. I'm thinking another helpful mantra might be " Never live

with nada " I can't imagine anything more miserable, save the 5th circle of hell.

>

> What is it about nada's that they always seem to get their way, even when it

involves invading your home and creating havoc under the very roof you pay for?

>

> My nada tried to live with me a few times, for a long time she was trying to

convince me to buy a house with a " mother-in-law " suite in the basement. Yeah

right, i'd rather walk on hot coals!!!

>

[Guest guest]

Here in late middle age I finally figured out that I could choose to be

assertive instead of (a) simply cowering in limp acquiescence: the " learned

helplessness " of childhood, or ( engaging in the fight she aimed to pick by

jabbing me until I'd defend myself. Nada seemed to relish fighting, like it was

a tonic for her. I on the other hand would feel like I'd been hit by a truck,

and my nerves and heart would be shredded for hours afterward, or even days.

I discovered that I could simply walk away from her when she started attacking

me, even if I'd just arrived, having flown out for a visit and was staying with

her; even then I could just pack my bags and leave instead of just taking it!

That felt so empowering!

I discovered that I could choose to not pick up the phone and let her call go to

the answering machine. For most of my life I'd felt that if the phone rang I

had to pick it up. I also discovered that I could abruptly cut a conversation

short, and usually I could do it politely.

More recently I discovered that I could just stare at her and not react at all

to an insult or jab, and she'd drop it and back down.

That's something she hadn't encountered before, I guess, and had no

counter-moves prepared for it.

I even discovered that in extreme cases I could very effectively deploy sarcasm

as sort of a " dirty bomb of ultimate destruction. " Sarcasm is the equivalent

for my nada of physically punching her below the belt; I only have used it once

and it resulted in a (blessedly) long icy silence on her part, but it also

resulted in her never again mentioning a topic I'd asked her repeatedly (for

decades) to not mention. (Well, up until this last summer, when she made a

point of bringing it up again.)

I haven't yet tried the repeat-her-words-back-to-her technique; since I'm in

virtual No Contact now I don't really want the opportunity to try it out. But

I'll keep it in reserve in case the situation arises.

Good thread; I'll be interested in reading about more techniques.

-Annie

> >

> > I have noticed that my reactions to Nada's crazy behavior have really

started to make a turn around. Before, when she would say something completely

out of line or completely wrong, I would cry. Now, I find myself thinking its

absolutely hysterical. I actually end up calling my friends and we have a good

laugh about it. Don't get me wrong, there are still some days that I feel like

crying, but I am getting better at putting up a wall between me and Nada. Every

day, I add a couple more bricks to that wall.

> >

> > I also find myself completely ignoring Nada. Or, if I am home and she makes

a mean comment, I just look at her and tilt my head to the side. She starts to

fumble with what she was trying insult me about and says something to the extent

of " I was just kidding. " Ah, her usual cover up for why it was ok to say a

rotten comment. But, by handling the situation this way, it seems to blow over

really quickly, for the most part that is.

> >

> > Today, my nada made a mean comment, and I simply walked out of the room. As

I walked into the other room, I could hear her freaking out about how she was

gonna cover her tracks. I cant deny the fact that it made me feel really good

that I was able to let her comment go in one ear and out the other.

> >

> > I am really interested in hearing more advice on how to handle nada's

behavior. As I am new to this board, if you have tips, I wold love to hear

them.

> >

> > Thanks,

> > Jade

> >

>