Re: Re: BPDs and Hoarding?

[Guest guest]

yes ma'am terrible hoarder. paper, pets, books, journals, junk and dishes.

dishes and dishes and dishes and dishes - all from the DI (which is like the

salvation army, but its owned by the lds church here out west).

>

>

> You know, I never really considered it before! But yes, my nada would

> collect hobby items. Way beyond what would be normal.

>

> They all would be hidden in guest rooms or dens or attics. The outward

> appearance of her home in uncluttered--but open a door and there it is, all

> hidden away.

>

> She also spends like crazy, on some of the weirdest junk. Or she buys in

> twos (bread machines, blenders, etc.)

>

>

>

> >

> > I'm sorry if there's already a thread on this somewhere, but I looked

> around and didn't see any.

> >

> > I'm wondering if anyone else's BPD parent(s) had a problem with hoarding.

> I figure, at its extremes, this behavior definitely qualifies as a

> " potentially self-harming behavior " listing in the DSM criteria.

> >

> > In my mother's case, I've always assumed her hoarding was a dysfunctional

> reaction to having been very poor as a child, and seeing things she loved

> get taken away from her. Interestingly, she rationalizes her spending by

> almost always buying second-hand or on sale. But then, she spends so much

> money that she might as well have bought one or two full price, brand new

> items rather than 5 or 6 kind of crappy tag sale or clearance items! Her

> house is always dark, cluttered, and messy; my non-BPD father enabled her by

> buying two 8X8X20 shipping containers and putting them in the backyard. They

> are full of junk.

> >

> > As a child, my brother and I were always blamed for how messy the house

> was, but now I see that no one could have kept such a cluttered house clean.

> To clean properly, you have to be able to throw at least some things away

> once in a while!

> >

> > Any one else? Bueller?

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

YES!!That is exactly what my Nada wants is for me to sacrifice myself for her

and to meet all her needs.She wants me to live with the guilt and I have felt

guilty my entire life.If I went on a field trip with the class,I would raid my

piggy bank so I could buy my nada a present from whatever museum gift shop so

she would have to be nice to me when I got home.I could never and still can

never relax and just enjoy myself on any outing or trip I take because somewhere

inside I feel bad if my nada is not getting to do something nice or fun.She did

this do me with all her raging and screaming and blaming.

My husband recently took me on a lovely fall trip celebrating out anniversary

and my Mother was short and nasty on the phone when I was nice enough to call

her form the trip to check on her and then when I arrived home she continued to

try to punish me with her shortness and nastiness on the phone.I called her on

it and she did the same old twisting the truth.She then managed to manipulate

her boyfriend(he is 80 and she is 73) to take her on weekend getaway on my

actual anniversary.This is great news for us since we love when she is out of

town,however,she never called to wish us a happy day.Everything is always about

her as usual and this will never change.She has always been very competitive

with me,if I do something she has to do it,if I get something she has to get

something better.When I got married,she found herself a boyfriend.She hates all

men and in a rage she will call this very nice man an acquaintance and he means

nothing to her,all she wants is my love.She actually said this in her most

recent rage 2 weeks ago.He is her alternate slave,he does so much for her and is

so nice.

My fada is the same,he actually called and said in an awful tone " Happy

Anniversary " then hung up on me on the cell phone we pay for him to use!LOL!So I

guess I was supposed to feel guilty about his situation.

So,I have decided today that I can sit here and slip into a depression about the

parents I have and the parents I wish they were or I can fight it hard.I have a

wonderful husband and daughters.I am very lucky in so many ways.I refuse to let

these people pull me down to their level and win.They are miserable and they

want everyone to be miserable with them unless everything is going wonderful in

their lives and then you never hear from them because they are too busy having

fun.

My normal Father-in-law told me last night that my first responsibility is to my

husband and children.He said you may have to honor your Mother and Father,but

that does not include slavery!!!Then he said they stopped being parents when

they emotionally and verbally and physically abuse you as a child and as an

adult.

I felt freed by that statement somehow.I am choosing now to juts try really hard

to beat the guilt and try to live MY life everyday and not their lives.I have

decided to respond only to major medical emergencies.

I am going out to garden!I agree with others,being outdoors heals me in so many

ways.I wish every one a nice day and don't let these people win!It is depressing

and I am going to therapy to work through it and move on with my life.I am going

to live!

Thank you all for the wonderful support,good words and advice.

nn

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Mon, November 15, 2010 10:16:44 AM

Subject: Re: BPDs and Hoarding?

((((Doug))))

You have hit the nail on the head. Here we are, feeling guilty for just

defending ourselves from abuse. Its like feeling guilty for raising your arm

over your face to deflect a blow.

That is the legacy of having a mentally ill, abusive parent: misplaced,

inappropriate guilt for just wanting a normal life.

But our own parents put us in that no-win situation: " Sacrifice yourself for ME,

your mother, and I will absolve you of guilt; or choose to have your own,

separate, normal adult life and torment yourself with guilt forever. "

Its an unfair choice they force us to make.

The only way to deal with it is to accept that they, as adults, *always* had the

choice to seek psychiatric help *and chose not to* over and over again, during

our growing-up years and into our adulthood. It was always their choice to

avoid self-examination, avoid responsibility for their own behaviors, and avoid

therapy.

Instead, they chose to blame other people for their problems and *demanded* to

be rescued, over and over. That's the equivalent of latching onto a rescuer and

drowning the rescuer in order to avoid drowning themselves, instead of any

number of other choices: don't go in the water, learn to swim, wear a life-vest,

grab the life-preserver thrown to you, etc., etc.

When we can shift the heavy load of guilt and blame back onto the shoulders of

the person it rightfully belongs to, I think we can start to heal.

-Annie

Awful guilt! I let her stay a month, after agreeing

> to 2 weeks. She began to bring her hoarding stuff into my house and

> stack it up here. So I got to be the bad guy , having to say you have

> to leave.

>

> Ahhhh! Shit. No one should ever have to say to their mother, you can t

> stay with me, you have to get out! But that is the God awful position

> she put me in. That, my dear friends, is what it means to us to have ,

> or to have had, a nada. We ARE placed in situations we never should

> have to face with our own mothers.

>

> And that is why we are so F....ed up!

>

[Guest guest]

YES!!That is exactly what my Nada wants is for me to sacrifice myself for her

and to meet all her needs.She wants me to live with the guilt and I have felt

guilty my entire life.If I went on a field trip with the class,I would raid my

piggy bank so I could buy my nada a present from whatever museum gift shop so

she would have to be nice to me when I got home.I could never and still can

never relax and just enjoy myself on any outing or trip I take because somewhere

inside I feel bad if my nada is not getting to do something nice or fun.She did

this do me with all her raging and screaming and blaming.

My husband recently took me on a lovely fall trip celebrating out anniversary

and my Mother was short and nasty on the phone when I was nice enough to call

her form the trip to check on her and then when I arrived home she continued to

try to punish me with her shortness and nastiness on the phone.I called her on

it and she did the same old twisting the truth.She then managed to manipulate

her boyfriend(he is 80 and she is 73) to take her on weekend getaway on my

actual anniversary.This is great news for us since we love when she is out of

town,however,she never called to wish us a happy day.Everything is always about

her as usual and this will never change.She has always been very competitive

with me,if I do something she has to do it,if I get something she has to get

something better.When I got married,she found herself a boyfriend.She hates all

men and in a rage she will call this very nice man an acquaintance and he means

nothing to her,all she wants is my love.She actually said this in her most

recent rage 2 weeks ago.He is her alternate slave,he does so much for her and is

so nice.

My fada is the same,he actually called and said in an awful tone " Happy

Anniversary " then hung up on me on the cell phone we pay for him to use!LOL!So I

guess I was supposed to feel guilty about his situation.

So,I have decided today that I can sit here and slip into a depression about the

parents I have and the parents I wish they were or I can fight it hard.I have a

wonderful husband and daughters.I am very lucky in so many ways.I refuse to let

these people pull me down to their level and win.They are miserable and they

want everyone to be miserable with them unless everything is going wonderful in

their lives and then you never hear from them because they are too busy having

fun.

My normal Father-in-law told me last night that my first responsibility is to my

husband and children.He said you may have to honor your Mother and Father,but

that does not include slavery!!!Then he said they stopped being parents when

they emotionally and verbally and physically abuse you as a child and as an

adult.

I felt freed by that statement somehow.I am choosing now to juts try really hard

to beat the guilt and try to live MY life everyday and not their lives.I have

decided to respond only to major medical emergencies.

I am going out to garden!I agree with others,being outdoors heals me in so many

ways.I wish every one a nice day and don't let these people win!It is depressing

and I am going to therapy to work through it and move on with my life.I am going

to live!

Thank you all for the wonderful support,good words and advice.

nn

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Mon, November 15, 2010 10:16:44 AM

Subject: Re: BPDs and Hoarding?

((((Doug))))

You have hit the nail on the head. Here we are, feeling guilty for just

defending ourselves from abuse. Its like feeling guilty for raising your arm

over your face to deflect a blow.

That is the legacy of having a mentally ill, abusive parent: misplaced,

inappropriate guilt for just wanting a normal life.

But our own parents put us in that no-win situation: " Sacrifice yourself for ME,

your mother, and I will absolve you of guilt; or choose to have your own,

separate, normal adult life and torment yourself with guilt forever. "

Its an unfair choice they force us to make.

The only way to deal with it is to accept that they, as adults, *always* had the

choice to seek psychiatric help *and chose not to* over and over again, during

our growing-up years and into our adulthood. It was always their choice to

avoid self-examination, avoid responsibility for their own behaviors, and avoid

therapy.

Instead, they chose to blame other people for their problems and *demanded* to

be rescued, over and over. That's the equivalent of latching onto a rescuer and

drowning the rescuer in order to avoid drowning themselves, instead of any

number of other choices: don't go in the water, learn to swim, wear a life-vest,

grab the life-preserver thrown to you, etc., etc.

When we can shift the heavy load of guilt and blame back onto the shoulders of

the person it rightfully belongs to, I think we can start to heal.

-Annie

Awful guilt! I let her stay a month, after agreeing

> to 2 weeks. She began to bring her hoarding stuff into my house and

> stack it up here. So I got to be the bad guy , having to say you have

> to leave.

>

> Ahhhh! Shit. No one should ever have to say to their mother, you can t

> stay with me, you have to get out! But that is the God awful position

> she put me in. That, my dear friends, is what it means to us to have ,

> or to have had, a nada. We ARE placed in situations we never should

> have to face with our own mothers.

>

> And that is why we are so F....ed up!

>

[Guest guest]

YES!!That is exactly what my Nada wants is for me to sacrifice myself for her

and to meet all her needs.She wants me to live with the guilt and I have felt

guilty my entire life.If I went on a field trip with the class,I would raid my

piggy bank so I could buy my nada a present from whatever museum gift shop so

she would have to be nice to me when I got home.I could never and still can

never relax and just enjoy myself on any outing or trip I take because somewhere

inside I feel bad if my nada is not getting to do something nice or fun.She did

this do me with all her raging and screaming and blaming.

My husband recently took me on a lovely fall trip celebrating out anniversary

and my Mother was short and nasty on the phone when I was nice enough to call

her form the trip to check on her and then when I arrived home she continued to

try to punish me with her shortness and nastiness on the phone.I called her on

it and she did the same old twisting the truth.She then managed to manipulate

her boyfriend(he is 80 and she is 73) to take her on weekend getaway on my

actual anniversary.This is great news for us since we love when she is out of

town,however,she never called to wish us a happy day.Everything is always about

her as usual and this will never change.She has always been very competitive

with me,if I do something she has to do it,if I get something she has to get

something better.When I got married,she found herself a boyfriend.She hates all

men and in a rage she will call this very nice man an acquaintance and he means

nothing to her,all she wants is my love.She actually said this in her most

recent rage 2 weeks ago.He is her alternate slave,he does so much for her and is

so nice.

My fada is the same,he actually called and said in an awful tone " Happy

Anniversary " then hung up on me on the cell phone we pay for him to use!LOL!So I

guess I was supposed to feel guilty about his situation.

So,I have decided today that I can sit here and slip into a depression about the

parents I have and the parents I wish they were or I can fight it hard.I have a

wonderful husband and daughters.I am very lucky in so many ways.I refuse to let

these people pull me down to their level and win.They are miserable and they

want everyone to be miserable with them unless everything is going wonderful in

their lives and then you never hear from them because they are too busy having

fun.

My normal Father-in-law told me last night that my first responsibility is to my

husband and children.He said you may have to honor your Mother and Father,but

that does not include slavery!!!Then he said they stopped being parents when

they emotionally and verbally and physically abuse you as a child and as an

adult.

I felt freed by that statement somehow.I am choosing now to juts try really hard

to beat the guilt and try to live MY life everyday and not their lives.I have

decided to respond only to major medical emergencies.

I am going out to garden!I agree with others,being outdoors heals me in so many

ways.I wish every one a nice day and don't let these people win!It is depressing

and I am going to therapy to work through it and move on with my life.I am going

to live!

Thank you all for the wonderful support,good words and advice.

nn

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Mon, November 15, 2010 10:16:44 AM

Subject: Re: BPDs and Hoarding?

((((Doug))))

You have hit the nail on the head. Here we are, feeling guilty for just

defending ourselves from abuse. Its like feeling guilty for raising your arm

over your face to deflect a blow.

That is the legacy of having a mentally ill, abusive parent: misplaced,

inappropriate guilt for just wanting a normal life.

But our own parents put us in that no-win situation: " Sacrifice yourself for ME,

your mother, and I will absolve you of guilt; or choose to have your own,

separate, normal adult life and torment yourself with guilt forever. "

Its an unfair choice they force us to make.

The only way to deal with it is to accept that they, as adults, *always* had the

choice to seek psychiatric help *and chose not to* over and over again, during

our growing-up years and into our adulthood. It was always their choice to

avoid self-examination, avoid responsibility for their own behaviors, and avoid

therapy.

Instead, they chose to blame other people for their problems and *demanded* to

be rescued, over and over. That's the equivalent of latching onto a rescuer and

drowning the rescuer in order to avoid drowning themselves, instead of any

number of other choices: don't go in the water, learn to swim, wear a life-vest,

grab the life-preserver thrown to you, etc., etc.

When we can shift the heavy load of guilt and blame back onto the shoulders of

the person it rightfully belongs to, I think we can start to heal.

-Annie

Awful guilt! I let her stay a month, after agreeing

> to 2 weeks. She began to bring her hoarding stuff into my house and

> stack it up here. So I got to be the bad guy , having to say you have

> to leave.

>

> Ahhhh! Shit. No one should ever have to say to their mother, you can t

> stay with me, you have to get out! But that is the God awful position

> she put me in. That, my dear friends, is what it means to us to have ,

> or to have had, a nada. We ARE placed in situations we never should

> have to face with our own mothers.

>

> And that is why we are so F....ed up!

>

[Guest guest]

You know, I had never considered my mother a hoarder because I picture hoarders

as messy, disgusting, array of mess...but my mother, for all intents and

purposes, kind of was a hoarder. She bought and bought and bought and while

everything had its place in our house, we had A LOT of crap cluttering it. When

she died, OMG, it was a mess to clean out all of the stuff she had and sometimes

she had three, four, five pairs of the same pants or shirts or even shoes,

purses, etc....

[Guest guest]

You know, I had never considered my mother a hoarder because I picture hoarders

as messy, disgusting, array of mess...but my mother, for all intents and

purposes, kind of was a hoarder. She bought and bought and bought and while

everything had its place in our house, we had A LOT of crap cluttering it. When

she died, OMG, it was a mess to clean out all of the stuff she had and sometimes

she had three, four, five pairs of the same pants or shirts or even shoes,

purses, etc....

[Guest guest]

my mom wouldn't talk to me for 7 years...but would call me if she was panicking

and needed my shoulder to cry on and my ears to listen. She needed my comforting

words...she told me that I was the only one who could calm her down...

I hated those talk sessions...because they were a very huge burden for me to

carry. She wouldn't help me and listen to me when I needed her, but I dropped

whatever I was doing to help her out.

I feel cosmically unfairly used, so many years wasted on this stupid game of

hers, all in the name of love.

When I would beg for her to listen to me, I got a slammed down phone and dial

tone.

I pray for the day that I feel free from this albatross around my heart.

Amy

Re: BPDs and Hoarding?

((((Doug))))

You have hit the nail on the head. Here we are, feeling guilty for just

defending ourselves from abuse. Its like feeling guilty for raising your arm

over your face to deflect a blow.

That is the legacy of having a mentally ill, abusive parent: misplaced,

inappropriate guilt for just wanting a normal life.

But our own parents put us in that no-win situation: " Sacrifice yourself for ME,

your mother, and I will absolve you of guilt; or choose to have your own,

separate, normal adult life and torment yourself with guilt forever. "

Its an unfair choice they force us to make.

The only way to deal with it is to accept that they, as adults, *always* had the

choice to seek psychiatric help *and chose not to* over and over again, during

our growing-up years and into our adulthood. It was always their choice to

avoid self-examination, avoid responsibility for their own behaviors, and avoid

therapy.

Instead, they chose to blame other people for their problems and *demanded* to

be rescued, over and over. That's the equivalent of latching onto a rescuer and

drowning the rescuer in order to avoid drowning themselves, instead of any

number of other choices: don't go in the water, learn to swim, wear a life-vest,

grab the life-preserver thrown to you, etc., etc.

When we can shift the heavy load of guilt and blame back onto the shoulders of

the person it rightfully belongs to, I think we can start to heal.

-Annie

Awful guilt! I let her stay a month, after agreeing

> to 2 weeks. She began to bring her hoarding stuff into my house and

> stack it up here. So I got to be the bad guy , having to say you have

> to leave.

>

> Ahhhh! Shit. No one should ever have to say to their mother, you can t

> stay with me, you have to get out! But that is the God awful position

> she put me in. That, my dear friends, is what it means to us to have ,

> or to have had, a nada. We ARE placed in situations we never should

> have to face with our own mothers.

>

> And that is why we are so F....ed up!

>

[Guest guest]

my mom wouldn't talk to me for 7 years...but would call me if she was panicking

and needed my shoulder to cry on and my ears to listen. She needed my comforting

words...she told me that I was the only one who could calm her down...

I hated those talk sessions...because they were a very huge burden for me to

carry. She wouldn't help me and listen to me when I needed her, but I dropped

whatever I was doing to help her out.

I feel cosmically unfairly used, so many years wasted on this stupid game of

hers, all in the name of love.

When I would beg for her to listen to me, I got a slammed down phone and dial

tone.

I pray for the day that I feel free from this albatross around my heart.

Amy

Re: BPDs and Hoarding?

((((Doug))))

You have hit the nail on the head. Here we are, feeling guilty for just

defending ourselves from abuse. Its like feeling guilty for raising your arm

over your face to deflect a blow.

That is the legacy of having a mentally ill, abusive parent: misplaced,

inappropriate guilt for just wanting a normal life.

But our own parents put us in that no-win situation: " Sacrifice yourself for ME,

your mother, and I will absolve you of guilt; or choose to have your own,

separate, normal adult life and torment yourself with guilt forever. "

Its an unfair choice they force us to make.

The only way to deal with it is to accept that they, as adults, *always* had the

choice to seek psychiatric help *and chose not to* over and over again, during

our growing-up years and into our adulthood. It was always their choice to

avoid self-examination, avoid responsibility for their own behaviors, and avoid

therapy.

Instead, they chose to blame other people for their problems and *demanded* to

be rescued, over and over. That's the equivalent of latching onto a rescuer and

drowning the rescuer in order to avoid drowning themselves, instead of any

number of other choices: don't go in the water, learn to swim, wear a life-vest,

grab the life-preserver thrown to you, etc., etc.

When we can shift the heavy load of guilt and blame back onto the shoulders of

the person it rightfully belongs to, I think we can start to heal.

-Annie

Awful guilt! I let her stay a month, after agreeing

> to 2 weeks. She began to bring her hoarding stuff into my house and

> stack it up here. So I got to be the bad guy , having to say you have

> to leave.

>

> Ahhhh! Shit. No one should ever have to say to their mother, you can t

> stay with me, you have to get out! But that is the God awful position

> she put me in. That, my dear friends, is what it means to us to have ,

> or to have had, a nada. We ARE placed in situations we never should

> have to face with our own mothers.

>

> And that is why we are so F....ed up!

>

[Guest guest]

my mom wouldn't talk to me for 7 years...but would call me if she was panicking

and needed my shoulder to cry on and my ears to listen. She needed my comforting

words...she told me that I was the only one who could calm her down...

I hated those talk sessions...because they were a very huge burden for me to

carry. She wouldn't help me and listen to me when I needed her, but I dropped

whatever I was doing to help her out.

I feel cosmically unfairly used, so many years wasted on this stupid game of

hers, all in the name of love.

When I would beg for her to listen to me, I got a slammed down phone and dial

tone.

I pray for the day that I feel free from this albatross around my heart.

Amy

Re: BPDs and Hoarding?

((((Doug))))

You have hit the nail on the head. Here we are, feeling guilty for just

defending ourselves from abuse. Its like feeling guilty for raising your arm

over your face to deflect a blow.

That is the legacy of having a mentally ill, abusive parent: misplaced,

inappropriate guilt for just wanting a normal life.

But our own parents put us in that no-win situation: " Sacrifice yourself for ME,

your mother, and I will absolve you of guilt; or choose to have your own,

separate, normal adult life and torment yourself with guilt forever. "

Its an unfair choice they force us to make.

The only way to deal with it is to accept that they, as adults, *always* had the

choice to seek psychiatric help *and chose not to* over and over again, during

our growing-up years and into our adulthood. It was always their choice to

avoid self-examination, avoid responsibility for their own behaviors, and avoid

therapy.

Instead, they chose to blame other people for their problems and *demanded* to

be rescued, over and over. That's the equivalent of latching onto a rescuer and

drowning the rescuer in order to avoid drowning themselves, instead of any

number of other choices: don't go in the water, learn to swim, wear a life-vest,

grab the life-preserver thrown to you, etc., etc.

When we can shift the heavy load of guilt and blame back onto the shoulders of

the person it rightfully belongs to, I think we can start to heal.

-Annie

Awful guilt! I let her stay a month, after agreeing

> to 2 weeks. She began to bring her hoarding stuff into my house and

> stack it up here. So I got to be the bad guy , having to say you have

> to leave.

>

> Ahhhh! Shit. No one should ever have to say to their mother, you can t

> stay with me, you have to get out! But that is the God awful position

> she put me in. That, my dear friends, is what it means to us to have ,

> or to have had, a nada. We ARE placed in situations we never should

> have to face with our own mothers.

>

> And that is why we are so F....ed up!

>

[Guest guest]

Star, if you feel that way, I would guess your nada is a waif or maybe

hermit, the original miss needy pants. Is it true? I think its easier to say

" Shut the Front Door " on your way out to the Witch/queen nada like mine,

thought she acts like all the options

>

>

> <<<Ahhhh! Shit. No one should ever have to say to their mother, you can t

> stay with me, you have to get out! But that is the God awful position

> she put me in. That, my dear friends, is what it means to us to have ,

> or to have had, a nada. We ARE placed in situations we never should

> have to face with our own mothers.>>

>

> and

>

>

> >>When we can shift the heavy load of guilt and blame back onto the

> shoulders of the person it rightfully belongs to, I think we can start to

> heal.>>>

>

> Aghh, this is all hitting me in the gut... I find myself avoiding reading

> the posts for a week or so at a time because it's almost too much

> sometimes. I want to pretent things are fine or something, but in reality

> it's that

> I am falling back into some new different kind of FOG... or, at other

> times, I find myself depressed and angry at the situation I'm recognizing

> in

> recent behaviors by my BPD mother. It's hard for me to say she's a nada. I

> tend to be a pollyanna, and I try SO HARD not to be negative like she is

> that it spills over into even accepting the current situation with our

> relationship. (It SUCKS.) It's absolutely exhausting to be pathologically

> non

> confrontational like I am ... yet wanting to question and argue just about

> everything she says. We are not only not NC or LC, but HC!! (high

> contact) because she lives here at the moment.

>

> I have no idea what I'm trying to say right now. I guess just that this

> all just sucks, and I don't feel like I am equipped to handle it. The only

> thing I know how to do is try to make everyone happy and not feel awkward

> or bad about anything... graayyyt.

>

> Star

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Star, if you feel that way, I would guess your nada is a waif or maybe

hermit, the original miss needy pants. Is it true? I think its easier to say

" Shut the Front Door " on your way out to the Witch/queen nada like mine,

thought she acts like all the options

>

>

> <<<Ahhhh! Shit. No one should ever have to say to their mother, you can t

> stay with me, you have to get out! But that is the God awful position

> she put me in. That, my dear friends, is what it means to us to have ,

> or to have had, a nada. We ARE placed in situations we never should

> have to face with our own mothers.>>

>

> and

>

>

> >>When we can shift the heavy load of guilt and blame back onto the

> shoulders of the person it rightfully belongs to, I think we can start to

> heal.>>>

>

> Aghh, this is all hitting me in the gut... I find myself avoiding reading

> the posts for a week or so at a time because it's almost too much

> sometimes. I want to pretent things are fine or something, but in reality

> it's that

> I am falling back into some new different kind of FOG... or, at other

> times, I find myself depressed and angry at the situation I'm recognizing

> in

> recent behaviors by my BPD mother. It's hard for me to say she's a nada. I

> tend to be a pollyanna, and I try SO HARD not to be negative like she is

> that it spills over into even accepting the current situation with our

> relationship. (It SUCKS.) It's absolutely exhausting to be pathologically

> non

> confrontational like I am ... yet wanting to question and argue just about

> everything she says. We are not only not NC or LC, but HC!! (high

> contact) because she lives here at the moment.

>

> I have no idea what I'm trying to say right now. I guess just that this

> all just sucks, and I don't feel like I am equipped to handle it. The only

> thing I know how to do is try to make everyone happy and not feel awkward

> or bad about anything... graayyyt.

>

> Star

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Star, if you feel that way, I would guess your nada is a waif or maybe

hermit, the original miss needy pants. Is it true? I think its easier to say

" Shut the Front Door " on your way out to the Witch/queen nada like mine,

thought she acts like all the options

>

>

> <<<Ahhhh! Shit. No one should ever have to say to their mother, you can t

> stay with me, you have to get out! But that is the God awful position

> she put me in. That, my dear friends, is what it means to us to have ,

> or to have had, a nada. We ARE placed in situations we never should

> have to face with our own mothers.>>

>

> and

>

>

> >>When we can shift the heavy load of guilt and blame back onto the

> shoulders of the person it rightfully belongs to, I think we can start to

> heal.>>>

>

> Aghh, this is all hitting me in the gut... I find myself avoiding reading

> the posts for a week or so at a time because it's almost too much

> sometimes. I want to pretent things are fine or something, but in reality

> it's that

> I am falling back into some new different kind of FOG... or, at other

> times, I find myself depressed and angry at the situation I'm recognizing

> in

> recent behaviors by my BPD mother. It's hard for me to say she's a nada. I

> tend to be a pollyanna, and I try SO HARD not to be negative like she is

> that it spills over into even accepting the current situation with our

> relationship. (It SUCKS.) It's absolutely exhausting to be pathologically

> non

> confrontational like I am ... yet wanting to question and argue just about

> everything she says. We are not only not NC or LC, but HC!! (high

> contact) because she lives here at the moment.

>

> I have no idea what I'm trying to say right now. I guess just that this

> all just sucks, and I don't feel like I am equipped to handle it. The only

> thing I know how to do is try to make everyone happy and not feel awkward

> or bad about anything... graayyyt.

>

> Star

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

In my opinion, she's playing you. . . . good luck and hugs.

>

>

>

>

>

> >

> > Star, if you feel that way, I would guess your nada is a waif or maybe

> > hermit, the original miss needy pants. Is it true? I think its easier to

> say

> > " Shut the Front Door " on your way out to the Witch/queen nada like mine,

> > thought she acts like all the options

>

> Yes! She's a bit of both of those! I thought 100% waif but when I finally

> got the book and read it, there was definite elements of both in there.

>

> It's SO MUCH easier for me to create boundaries when someone is blatantly

> being an ass. In this scenario I end up just being mad at myself as I do /

> say whatever 'necessary' to keep the 'peace' (which is false). Right now the

> most aggressive I can get is not saying anything at all. My silence screams

> at me, but I am certain to the one that it is pointed at, it is just ...

> well, passivity?

>

>

>