Guest guest Posted November 23, 2010 Report Share Posted November 23, 2010 LOL! I feel that mantra.... Anyway, yes, my mother tried lots of tactics to get my boyfriends to leave. With some ex-boyfriends, one in particular I'm pretty sure she called his mother and told her some lies. I cannot prove it, but we were very close, ticking along nicely and all of a sudden he stops speaking to me. Completely. Refused to take calls from me. The whole shebang. Anyway, then my now husband comes into the picture and she DID invite his mother over (my MIL trained as a psych nurse....little did NADA know) and apparently told her how manipulative I was, that I was a little bitch, and will get knocked up to " grab a man " (I was 15) and trap her son. When that didn't work, she sent her husband to his dads work (two different ranks, and my FIL is a mean SOB when he wants to be - he was hard core army with a higher rank and much smarter than the step father) and that REALLY didn't work. Then, my stepfather tried to bully/frighten my boyfriend away using rank and position. Yeah, that didn't work either. I'm frankly surprised that they all didn't run screaming from the crazy. During that time they did their best to drive me to suicide, at least my mother did. My boyfriend was the only thing that kept me going. Then, after we married (I cut off contact after I left home at 17, but re-established contact when I was 21 or so) she tried to tell me that he had visited her and confessed to her that he was cheating. At the same time though she was also telling me that her now ex-husband was travelling 3000 kilometers to tamper with her furnace so she'd die of carbon monoxide poisoning, so I could dismiss her weirdness with no problem. She was preying on my fears though. I was terrified at the time of abandonment (gee I wonder why). So yeah, they don't want us to be happy. My advise to you? Don't share happy news with her, don't disclose anything about your relationship to her. Let her talk all about herself. Thats what she wants anyway. Arms length. > > (branching off from another thread...) > > Ugh. Just processing SOOOOO much stuff since I said goodbye to the back of her head as she stomped out of the therapists office. > > Is your Nada hellbent on destroying your marriage? > > My story is: met my dh when I was 21, he was 19. We moved in together after 4 months(to get me the hell away from nada). My nada LOVED him at first. He was a student of hers for a short time many years before and wrote her a nice note in the 5th grade. She KEPT the note all those years!!! (concrete validation that she is " awesome " , at least in the opinion of an 11 yo..?) > So she got along with him, but fought with me. This was no surprise because she already had a history of supporting my bfs and siding with them when they are mean, abusive, etc. When I was in HS she would invite my bf over, then punish me, ground me to my room and hang out with my bf for a couple of hours. She would even say things IN FRONT OF ME like " Why are you even with her? She's such a BITCH! " > So for the 1st couple of years she liked my dh and not me. My dh was a workaholic and stayed away from home as much as possible because Nada lived with us and he just couldn't bear being near her. She would tell me that he stayed away because I was driving him away, he was going to leave me and I would deserve it, blah blah blah. Things changed when he started standing up to her. She HATED him and told him that. I would try to defend him, but not too much (lol!) because I knew what that do to the house. > When he finally had had enough and told me he was moving out and hoped that the kids and I would come with him Nada went CRAZY!!! She would tell me that he was going to leave me, it was only a matter of time, etc. She told me if I moved out, I couldn't come back WHEN he left me (not if!). She told me that if I stayed with her, then she would help me and support me and the kids WHEN he divorced me. I told her " I'll take my chances. " > > AFTER we moved out, she would called my husband on his work cell and teld him how " promiscuous " I was in my youth. (she believes I was a WHORE in hs???? whatever. projection, perhaps? lol!) When she realized that I wasn't going to choose her over him, then she tried to get HIM to leave ME!!!! > My husband said " What the hell are you doing, trying to ruin our marriage? " > Nada said something along the lines like " I just thought you should know the truth about her! " > He responded with " We have been married for over 10 years! I love your daughter and I am NOT going to leave her. Your husbands left you because you are a mean manipulative bitch, but I'm not gonna leave MY wife! " and he hung up on her. > > When that didn't work, she tried to get at me through my children and extended family. She would call my aunts and gossip about me while my children were in the room. They would get upset, but knew not to say anything because they were alone with her and didn't want to get her wrath. She even went so far as to tell my family that my husband is verbally abusive and calls me " Fat " , etc. My husband has NEVER ONCE said anything about my weight issues in the nearly 15 years we have been together!!!! He fully understands my weight fluctuations (120-250) are residual from my upbringing and he lets me work on them as my own pace. It burns me so bad, that she attacked the most wonderful parts of his character-his understanding, empathy, and unconditional love for me. If I deny the accusations, I look like the classic abused wife who's in denial. > > Is it wrong to mantra... " Die already, will ya? " > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 23, 2010 Report Share Posted November 23, 2010 ((((my4fireflies)))) I am so glad for you that you are free now from such an abusive, toxic person. Truly, in incident after incident as you describe it, there was nothing loving about your nada's behaviors. Her behaviors toward you demonstrate only resentment, jealousy, ownership, and maliciousness. She actively wanted to shame and degrade you, to take what was yours, and if she couldn't take it, destroy it. That's not love. Not by any stretch of the imagination. The things your nada said and did to you come from malignant narcissism and psychopathy, in my opinion. Children are hardwired to accept any, truly any amount and any type of abuse or neglect inflicted on them from the person they've bonded to as their " mother " ; the child has no choice. Abuse alternating with rescue and nurturing by the " mother " , over and over, creates a trauma-bond stronger than epoxy glue, apparently. Your nada probably doesn't see it this way, but cutting herself off from you is probably the kindest thing she's ever done for you. I am so glad for you that your marriage and your kids and you survived it all. -Annie > > (branching off from another thread...) > > Ugh. Just processing SOOOOO much stuff since I said goodbye to the back of her head as she stomped out of the therapists office. > > Is your Nada hellbent on destroying your marriage? > > My story is: met my dh when I was 21, he was 19. We moved in together after 4 months(to get me the hell away from nada). My nada LOVED him at first. He was a student of hers for a short time many years before and wrote her a nice note in the 5th grade. She KEPT the note all those years!!! (concrete validation that she is " awesome " , at least in the opinion of an 11 yo..?) > So she got along with him, but fought with me. This was no surprise because she already had a history of supporting my bfs and siding with them when they are mean, abusive, etc. When I was in HS she would invite my bf over, then punish me, ground me to my room and hang out with my bf for a couple of hours. She would even say things IN FRONT OF ME like " Why are you even with her? She's such a BITCH! " > So for the 1st couple of years she liked my dh and not me. My dh was a workaholic and stayed away from home as much as possible because Nada lived with us and he just couldn't bear being near her. She would tell me that he stayed away because I was driving him away, he was going to leave me and I would deserve it, blah blah blah. Things changed when he started standing up to her. She HATED him and told him that. I would try to defend him, but not too much (lol!) because I knew what that do to the house. > When he finally had had enough and told me he was moving out and hoped that the kids and I would come with him Nada went CRAZY!!! She would tell me that he was going to leave me, it was only a matter of time, etc. She told me if I moved out, I couldn't come back WHEN he left me (not if!). She told me that if I stayed with her, then she would help me and support me and the kids WHEN he divorced me. I told her " I'll take my chances. " > > AFTER we moved out, she would called my husband on his work cell and teld him how " promiscuous " I was in my youth. (she believes I was a WHORE in hs???? whatever. projection, perhaps? lol!) When she realized that I wasn't going to choose her over him, then she tried to get HIM to leave ME!!!! > My husband said " What the hell are you doing, trying to ruin our marriage? " > Nada said something along the lines like " I just thought you should know the truth about her! " > He responded with " We have been married for over 10 years! I love your daughter and I am NOT going to leave her. Your husbands left you because you are a mean manipulative bitch, but I'm not gonna leave MY wife! " and he hung up on her. > > When that didn't work, she tried to get at me through my children and extended family. She would call my aunts and gossip about me while my children were in the room. They would get upset, but knew not to say anything because they were alone with her and didn't want to get her wrath. She even went so far as to tell my family that my husband is verbally abusive and calls me " Fat " , etc. My husband has NEVER ONCE said anything about my weight issues in the nearly 15 years we have been together!!!! He fully understands my weight fluctuations (120-250) are residual from my upbringing and he lets me work on them as my own pace. It burns me so bad, that she attacked the most wonderful parts of his character-his understanding, empathy, and unconditional love for me. If I deny the accusations, I look like the classic abused wife who's in denial. > > Is it wrong to mantra... " Die already, will ya? " > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 23, 2010 Report Share Posted November 23, 2010 Hi my4fireflies, I would like to say: good for you and good for your husband! You are both resilient and taking care of your family. I think you could take it as a testament to your own mental health that you are partnered with someone who can use boundaries and protect himself and you from emotional abuse. I know no one is perfect, but it helps so much to have a kind husband. I used to wonder how my husband and I found each other since our pasts were so troubled. Now I am starting to think this can be the other " norm " as a result of abuse. You know the old adage: we can choose to be bitter or we can choose to be better? We, here at WTO, are choosing to be better! > > (branching off from another thread...) > > Ugh. Just processing SOOOOO much stuff since I said goodbye to the back of her head as she stomped out of the therapists office. > > Is your Nada hellbent on destroying your marriage? > > My story is: met my dh when I was 21, he was 19. We moved in together after 4 months(to get me the hell away from nada). My nada LOVED him at first. He was a student of hers for a short time many years before and wrote her a nice note in the 5th grade. She KEPT the note all those years!!! (concrete validation that she is " awesome " , at least in the opinion of an 11 yo..?) > So she got along with him, but fought with me. This was no surprise because she already had a history of supporting my bfs and siding with them when they are mean, abusive, etc. When I was in HS she would invite my bf over, then punish me, ground me to my room and hang out with my bf for a couple of hours. She would even say things IN FRONT OF ME like " Why are you even with her? She's such a BITCH! " > So for the 1st couple of years she liked my dh and not me. My dh was a workaholic and stayed away from home as much as possible because Nada lived with us and he just couldn't bear being near her. She would tell me that he stayed away because I was driving him away, he was going to leave me and I would deserve it, blah blah blah. Things changed when he started standing up to her. She HATED him and told him that. I would try to defend him, but not too much (lol!) because I knew what that do to the house. > When he finally had had enough and told me he was moving out and hoped that the kids and I would come with him Nada went CRAZY!!! She would tell me that he was going to leave me, it was only a matter of time, etc. She told me if I moved out, I couldn't come back WHEN he left me (not if!). She told me that if I stayed with her, then she would help me and support me and the kids WHEN he divorced me. I told her " I'll take my chances. " > > AFTER we moved out, she would called my husband on his work cell and teld him how " promiscuous " I was in my youth. (she believes I was a WHORE in hs???? whatever. projection, perhaps? lol!) When she realized that I wasn't going to choose her over him, then she tried to get HIM to leave ME!!!! > My husband said " What the hell are you doing, trying to ruin our marriage? " > Nada said something along the lines like " I just thought you should know the truth about her! " > He responded with " We have been married for over 10 years! I love your daughter and I am NOT going to leave her. Your husbands left you because you are a mean manipulative bitch, but I'm not gonna leave MY wife! " and he hung up on her. > > When that didn't work, she tried to get at me through my children and extended family. She would call my aunts and gossip about me while my children were in the room. They would get upset, but knew not to say anything because they were alone with her and didn't want to get her wrath. She even went so far as to tell my family that my husband is verbally abusive and calls me " Fat " , etc. My husband has NEVER ONCE said anything about my weight issues in the nearly 15 years we have been together!!!! He fully understands my weight fluctuations (120-250) are residual from my upbringing and he lets me work on them as my own pace. It burns me so bad, that she attacked the most wonderful parts of his character-his understanding, empathy, and unconditional love for me. If I deny the accusations, I look like the classic abused wife who's in denial. > > Is it wrong to mantra... " Die already, will ya? " > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 23, 2010 Report Share Posted November 23, 2010 Hi my4fireflies, I would like to say: good for you and good for your husband! You are both resilient and taking care of your family. I think you could take it as a testament to your own mental health that you are partnered with someone who can use boundaries and protect himself and you from emotional abuse. I know no one is perfect, but it helps so much to have a kind husband. I used to wonder how my husband and I found each other since our pasts were so troubled. Now I am starting to think this can be the other " norm " as a result of abuse. You know the old adage: we can choose to be bitter or we can choose to be better? We, here at WTO, are choosing to be better! > > (branching off from another thread...) > > Ugh. Just processing SOOOOO much stuff since I said goodbye to the back of her head as she stomped out of the therapists office. > > Is your Nada hellbent on destroying your marriage? > > My story is: met my dh when I was 21, he was 19. We moved in together after 4 months(to get me the hell away from nada). My nada LOVED him at first. He was a student of hers for a short time many years before and wrote her a nice note in the 5th grade. She KEPT the note all those years!!! (concrete validation that she is " awesome " , at least in the opinion of an 11 yo..?) > So she got along with him, but fought with me. This was no surprise because she already had a history of supporting my bfs and siding with them when they are mean, abusive, etc. When I was in HS she would invite my bf over, then punish me, ground me to my room and hang out with my bf for a couple of hours. She would even say things IN FRONT OF ME like " Why are you even with her? She's such a BITCH! " > So for the 1st couple of years she liked my dh and not me. My dh was a workaholic and stayed away from home as much as possible because Nada lived with us and he just couldn't bear being near her. She would tell me that he stayed away because I was driving him away, he was going to leave me and I would deserve it, blah blah blah. Things changed when he started standing up to her. She HATED him and told him that. I would try to defend him, but not too much (lol!) because I knew what that do to the house. > When he finally had had enough and told me he was moving out and hoped that the kids and I would come with him Nada went CRAZY!!! She would tell me that he was going to leave me, it was only a matter of time, etc. She told me if I moved out, I couldn't come back WHEN he left me (not if!). She told me that if I stayed with her, then she would help me and support me and the kids WHEN he divorced me. I told her " I'll take my chances. " > > AFTER we moved out, she would called my husband on his work cell and teld him how " promiscuous " I was in my youth. (she believes I was a WHORE in hs???? whatever. projection, perhaps? lol!) When she realized that I wasn't going to choose her over him, then she tried to get HIM to leave ME!!!! > My husband said " What the hell are you doing, trying to ruin our marriage? " > Nada said something along the lines like " I just thought you should know the truth about her! " > He responded with " We have been married for over 10 years! I love your daughter and I am NOT going to leave her. Your husbands left you because you are a mean manipulative bitch, but I'm not gonna leave MY wife! " and he hung up on her. > > When that didn't work, she tried to get at me through my children and extended family. She would call my aunts and gossip about me while my children were in the room. They would get upset, but knew not to say anything because they were alone with her and didn't want to get her wrath. She even went so far as to tell my family that my husband is verbally abusive and calls me " Fat " , etc. My husband has NEVER ONCE said anything about my weight issues in the nearly 15 years we have been together!!!! He fully understands my weight fluctuations (120-250) are residual from my upbringing and he lets me work on them as my own pace. It burns me so bad, that she attacked the most wonderful parts of his character-his understanding, empathy, and unconditional love for me. If I deny the accusations, I look like the classic abused wife who's in denial. > > Is it wrong to mantra... " Die already, will ya? " > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 23, 2010 Report Share Posted November 23, 2010 Yes-my husband comes from a very dysfuntional home, with a lot of abuse, but had/has a very loving mother. I don't know how we ever made it past the 1st date. We were both pretty much individual train wrecks...but somehow, it all worked out. > > > > (branching off from another thread...) > > > > Ugh. Just processing SOOOOO much stuff since I said goodbye to the back of her head as she stomped out of the therapists office. > > > > Is your Nada hellbent on destroying your marriage? > > > > My story is: met my dh when I was 21, he was 19. We moved in together after 4 months(to get me the hell away from nada). My nada LOVED him at first. He was a student of hers for a short time many years before and wrote her a nice note in the 5th grade. She KEPT the note all those years!!! (concrete validation that she is " awesome " , at least in the opinion of an 11 yo..?) > > So she got along with him, but fought with me. This was no surprise because she already had a history of supporting my bfs and siding with them when they are mean, abusive, etc. When I was in HS she would invite my bf over, then punish me, ground me to my room and hang out with my bf for a couple of hours. She would even say things IN FRONT OF ME like " Why are you even with her? She's such a BITCH! " > > So for the 1st couple of years she liked my dh and not me. My dh was a workaholic and stayed away from home as much as possible because Nada lived with us and he just couldn't bear being near her. She would tell me that he stayed away because I was driving him away, he was going to leave me and I would deserve it, blah blah blah. Things changed when he started standing up to her. She HATED him and told him that. I would try to defend him, but not too much (lol!) because I knew what that do to the house. > > When he finally had had enough and told me he was moving out and hoped that the kids and I would come with him Nada went CRAZY!!! She would tell me that he was going to leave me, it was only a matter of time, etc. She told me if I moved out, I couldn't come back WHEN he left me (not if!). She told me that if I stayed with her, then she would help me and support me and the kids WHEN he divorced me. I told her " I'll take my chances. " > > > > AFTER we moved out, she would called my husband on his work cell and teld him how " promiscuous " I was in my youth. (she believes I was a WHORE in hs???? whatever. projection, perhaps? lol!) When she realized that I wasn't going to choose her over him, then she tried to get HIM to leave ME!!!! > > My husband said " What the hell are you doing, trying to ruin our marriage? " > > Nada said something along the lines like " I just thought you should know the truth about her! " > > He responded with " We have been married for over 10 years! I love your daughter and I am NOT going to leave her. Your husbands left you because you are a mean manipulative bitch, but I'm not gonna leave MY wife! " and he hung up on her. > > > > When that didn't work, she tried to get at me through my children and extended family. She would call my aunts and gossip about me while my children were in the room. They would get upset, but knew not to say anything because they were alone with her and didn't want to get her wrath. She even went so far as to tell my family that my husband is verbally abusive and calls me " Fat " , etc. My husband has NEVER ONCE said anything about my weight issues in the nearly 15 years we have been together!!!! He fully understands my weight fluctuations (120-250) are residual from my upbringing and he lets me work on them as my own pace. It burns me so bad, that she attacked the most wonderful parts of his character-his understanding, empathy, and unconditional love for me. If I deny the accusations, I look like the classic abused wife who's in denial. > > > > Is it wrong to mantra... " Die already, will ya? " > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 23, 2010 Report Share Posted November 23, 2010 My nada would tell me from about age 8 on, that I was going to get pregnant by the time I was 16. There was no reason for me to be told this. I was such a daily mantra that I could not tolerate a boyfriend relationship. I would compete to have boys ask me out and then stay as far away from them as I could, mostly never seeing them again. I was scared to death! Later if they aggressively pushed I could not stand up for myself. I had no voice. Once in HS when I was visiting, my nada told a boy who came for me " Why on earth would you ever want to be with her? " What's weird is that as outrageous as my nada was, nothing was ever discussed and I never spurned her after(or she'd kill me). Years later my sis married and my nada would make all kinds of comments flirting and insinuating that her husband would chose nada over my sister!? Sue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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