Guest guest Posted August 3, 2011 Report Share Posted August 3, 2011 sanamu, great post and so honest. It sounds to me like you have learned a lot. Keep in touch. Sandy I've thought of myself as addicted to sugar for a long time. Recently I heard something Geneen Roth's said, " ...when you feel out of control around food, it's because you believe you're out of control " . Something to that effect. I was told I was out of control all of my life (and that emotions were dangerous and to be avoided). Being out of control has been a sort of banner for me - my theme song in a way. It's been the excuse to rebel, to mess up, to quit and to abandon myself to the power of my mother's words about who I was. Worthless - and out of control. Hearing that the belief in being out of control might be at the center of my out of controlness around food clicked for me. Now, at times, when that particular battle starts to engage, I can see it for what it is and realize that I don't have to be out of control if I choose. That I'm not the monster I thought I was all these years. That's not the only reason I've mis-used food - but the notion that maybe I can actually trust myself is very potent and affirming. I was into " overcoming overeating " many years back. I used that experiment to eat pints of Hagan Daas every day for months on end. A " formerly forbidden food " and one that doesn't actually agree with my system all that well; but who cares about systems when you've suddenly been given permission to eat? That was my first experiment with " intuitive eating " but my intuition was clouded with subjectivity, projection, panic, lack of self trust and a ravenous demand for everything I'd ever wanted to eat and didn't. Now, things are settled a bit more, I'm a bit wiser and wondering if I am actually ready to commit to giving up self-abandonment. Sounds weird, but I'm still mulling all of that over. Having lived a life of reaction, impulsivity, defiance and hoping to be thin without realizing that much of me didn't want it anyway, - all those obessions that I've spent my every waking moment on... exchanging all of that for this awkward walk into living from the inside out is - daunting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 3, 2011 Report Share Posted August 3, 2011 Gillian (group owner and an IE coach) likes to say instead of being in 'control', being in 'charge' may work better. I find that it turns the focus from (EXternal) judgement to (INternal) responsibility very helpful for me. Best wishes, Katcha IEing since March 2007 > > I've thought of myself as addicted to sugar for a long time. Recently I heard something Geneen Roth's said, " ...when you feel out of control around food, it's because you believe you're out of control " . Something to that effect. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 3, 2011 Report Share Posted August 3, 2011 Katcha, Words can sure make a difference. Sandy Gillian (group owner and an IE coach) likes to say instead of being in 'control', being in 'charge' may work better. I find that it turns the focus from (EXternal) judgement to (INternal) responsibility very helpful for me. Best wishes, Katcha IEing since March 2007 > > I've thought of myself as addicted to sugar for a long time. Recently I heard something Geneen Roth's said, " ...when you feel out of control around food, it's because you believe you're out of control " . Something to that effect. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 3, 2011 Report Share Posted August 3, 2011 Sanamu, What a brave and honest post. Abby > I've thought of myself as addicted to sugar for a long time. Recently I heard something Geneen Roth's said, " ...when you feel out of control around food, it's because you believe you're out of control " . Something to that effect. > > I was told I was out of control all of my life (and that emotions were dangerous and to be avoided). Being out of control has been a sort of banner for me - my theme song in a way. It's been the excuse to rebel, to mess up, to quit and to abandon myself to the power of my mother's words about who I was. Worthless - and out of control. > > Hearing that the belief in being out of control might be at the center of my out of controlness around food clicked for me. Now, at times, when that particular battle starts to engage, I can see it for what it is and realize that I don't have to be out of control if I choose. That I'm not the monster I thought I was all these years. > > That's not the only reason I've mis-used food - but the notion that maybe I can actually trust myself is very potent and affirming. > > I was into " overcoming overeating " many years back. I used that experiment to eat pints of Hagan Daas every day for months on end. A " formerly forbidden food " and one that doesn't actually agree with my system all that well; but who cares about systems when you've suddenly been given permission to eat? > > That was my first experiment with " intuitive eating " but my intuition was clouded with subjectivity, projection, panic, lack of self trust and a ravenous demand for everything I'd ever wanted to eat and didn't. Now, things are settled a bit more, I'm a bit wiser and wondering if I am actually ready to commit to giving up self-abandonment. Sounds weird, but I'm still mulling all of that over. > > Having lived a life of reaction, impulsivity, defiance and hoping to be thin without realizing that much of me didn't want it anyway, - all those obessions that I've spent my every waking moment on... exchanging all of that for this awkward walk into living from the inside out is - daunting. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 4, 2011 Report Share Posted August 4, 2011 Your statement that after all you'd gone through, " hoping to be thin without realizing that much of me didn't want it anyway " made me think of an exercise I did years ago, when I realized that at the same time as I was struggling so hard to lose weight, I believed all kinds of negative things about thin people! Re the " addiction " theme, I did OA for a couple of years, 20 years ago, and while it was helpful to the extent that I learned not to binge massive amounts and by restricting my eating to 3 meals a day with nothing in between, I lost a good deal of weight (but was still obese) and ate less for emotional reasons (probably because of journaling and being able to turn to phone support when stressed), the whole idea of never being able to see myself as healed disturbed me. I wanted to be able to get to a spot when I could have a life beyond OA, when I wasn't expected to go to x number of meetings a week, when " abstinence " wouldn't have to be my number one priority and focus in life. Nowadays, with my family responsibilities, attending an OA meeting once a week would be pushing it. And I have a real problem with giving food so much power over me. The first step of OA is acknowledging that I have no power over food. Now, I say, why enter into a power struggle with food to begin with? Why not remove the power of the forbidden and be free? Jane > > I've thought of myself as addicted to sugar for a long time. Recently I heard something Geneen Roth's said, " ...when you feel out of control around food, it's because you believe you're out of control " . Something to that effect. > > I was told I was out of control all of my life (and that emotions were dangerous and to be avoided). Being out of control has been a sort of banner for me - my theme song in a way. It's been the excuse to rebel, to mess up, to quit and to abandon myself to the power of my mother's words about who I was. Worthless - and out of control. > > Hearing that the belief in being out of control might be at the center of my out of controlness around food clicked for me. Now, at times, when that particular battle starts to engage, I can see it for what it is and realize that I don't have to be out of control if I choose. That I'm not the monster I thought I was all these years. > > That's not the only reason I've mis-used food - but the notion that maybe I can actually trust myself is very potent and affirming. > > I was into " overcoming overeating " many years back. I used that experiment to eat pints of Hagan Daas every day for months on end. A " formerly forbidden food " and one that doesn't actually agree with my system all that well; but who cares about systems when you've suddenly been given permission to eat? > > That was my first experiment with " intuitive eating " but my intuition was clouded with subjectivity, projection, panic, lack of self trust and a ravenous demand for everything I'd ever wanted to eat and didn't. Now, things are settled a bit more, I'm a bit wiser and wondering if I am actually ready to commit to giving up self-abandonment. Sounds weird, but I'm still mulling all of that over. > > Having lived a life of reaction, impulsivity, defiance and hoping to be thin without realizing that much of me didn't want it anyway, - all those obessions that I've spent my every waking moment on... exchanging all of that for this awkward walk into living from the inside out is - daunting. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 16, 2011 Report Share Posted August 16, 2011 Jane, your post reminds me of something. If an object of eating desire (I will not name any object for the sake of those that may have loose triggers) is placed before me, I can look at it and gasp in wonderment and delight at the possibilty of eating it. I can think of reasons why it may not be good for me to eat that. Or I can eat something else instead. Or I can not eat anything. Or I can eat the attractive object, not caring about or believing the possible consequences. I have choices. Tai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 16, 2011 Report Share Posted August 16, 2011 Jane, your post reminds me of something. If an object of eating desire (I will not name any object for the sake of those that may have loose triggers) is placed before me, I can look at it and gasp in wonderment and delight at the possibilty of eating it. I can think of reasons why it may not be good for me to eat that. Or I can eat something else instead. Or I can not eat anything. Or I can eat the attractive object, not caring about or believing the possible consequences. I have choices. Tai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 16, 2011 Report Share Posted August 16, 2011 Jane, your post reminds me of something. If an object of eating desire (I will not name any object for the sake of those that may have loose triggers) is placed before me, I can look at it and gasp in wonderment and delight at the possibilty of eating it. I can think of reasons why it may not be good for me to eat that. Or I can eat something else instead. Or I can not eat anything. Or I can eat the attractive object, not caring about or believing the possible consequences. I have choices. Tai Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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