Guest guest Posted November 20, 2010 Report Share Posted November 20, 2010 My birthday was a month ago. I have been NC with my nada, fada and grandnada since March. I had a few stress induced panic attacks and dreams about my nada before then thinking that my nada would attempt to contact me (she hasn't attempted any contact since June when my grandpa died). The day of my birthday, I received a card in the mail with a few gift cards to my favorite restaurants. No apology. No letter. No " Im sorry for telling you to stay out of my life. " or " Im sorry for constantly telling you that you were fat, ugly, no good and alone. " or " Im sorry for keeping your only family away from you, telling you that they hated you when they didn't. " Just a card with balloons on it, saying " We Love you. " So passive aggressive....Typical nada style.... .....but when her birthday came around a week ago, I felt the urge to send her a card and gift card as well. Why do I do that??!!1 why do I feel guilty when SHE is the one abused me!!? And it always comes around the holidays. Anyone else still struggle with guilt? I have enormous guilt. Anyone have LC or NC with notes and cards sent or is it just zero contact completely? AJ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 21, 2010 Report Share Posted November 21, 2010 AJ, I'm so sorry you're feeling so awful. How typically BPD of your parents to send presents, as if nothing ever happened! I was once NC with my mother for 10 months. At first, I felt awful, especially since she'd have my dad call me and pass messages through him. The first few times I talked to a therapist about Mom, I felt so guilty I'd tremble. The therapist kept asking me if I was cold! All I can tell you is that for me, the guilt slowly faded as I realized that, in the (relative) absence of new drama to resurrect all the feelings from past horrors, I started to feel good again. In my case, the fact that my father and brother still live with her made it impossible to be NC forever, and I eventually chose LC again, on what I struggle to keep on my own terms. I've been having some problems with it these past few months, and people on this board have been so helpful. You still feel guilt because you've been taught to feel guilty your whole life! Let me know if I'm wrong, but when you were growing up, you probably found a way to make every fight, every argument your own fault. Why? Because when you're a child and your parent is a BP, saying you're sorry is the only way to fix their moods-- which you are, of course (eye roll) responsible for. It's a means of SOME kind of control. Even if, deep down, you had an inkling that things weren't so simple as " Me Wrong, Parents Right, " sometimes you were too young to formulate an articulate argument against parents who were too ill to be empathetic, or other times, maybe you were just too afraid. Knowing something intellectually (your parents are sick and their behavior is unacceptable) is different from really feeling it to be true. Please don't beat yourself up about feeling guilty. When you've had enough time to really KNOW how right you are, to really feel what it's even like to be in the right and know it's not your fault, I'm betting the guilt will begin to subside. Even if it never completely goes away, it will be more of a small voice that pops up from time to time than an overwhelming, crushing emotion. > > My birthday was a month ago. I have been NC with my nada, fada and grandnada since March. I had a few stress induced panic attacks and dreams about my nada before then thinking that my nada would attempt to contact me (she hasn't attempted any contact since June when my grandpa died). The day of my birthday, I received a card in the mail with a few gift cards to my favorite restaurants. No apology. No letter. No " Im sorry for telling you to stay out of my life. " or " Im sorry for constantly telling you that you were fat, ugly, no good and alone. " or " Im sorry for keeping your only family away from you, telling you that they hated you when they didn't. " Just a card with balloons on it, saying " We Love you. " > > So passive aggressive....Typical nada style.... > > ....but when her birthday came around a week ago, I felt the urge to send her a card and gift card as well. Why do I do that??!!1 why do I feel guilty when SHE is the one abused me!!? And it always comes around the holidays. > > Anyone else still struggle with guilt? I have enormous guilt. Anyone have LC or NC with notes and cards sent or is it just zero contact completely? > > AJ > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 21, 2010 Report Share Posted November 21, 2010 AJ, I'm so sorry you're feeling so awful. How typically BPD of your parents to send presents, as if nothing ever happened! I was once NC with my mother for 10 months. At first, I felt awful, especially since she'd have my dad call me and pass messages through him. The first few times I talked to a therapist about Mom, I felt so guilty I'd tremble. The therapist kept asking me if I was cold! All I can tell you is that for me, the guilt slowly faded as I realized that, in the (relative) absence of new drama to resurrect all the feelings from past horrors, I started to feel good again. In my case, the fact that my father and brother still live with her made it impossible to be NC forever, and I eventually chose LC again, on what I struggle to keep on my own terms. I've been having some problems with it these past few months, and people on this board have been so helpful. You still feel guilt because you've been taught to feel guilty your whole life! Let me know if I'm wrong, but when you were growing up, you probably found a way to make every fight, every argument your own fault. Why? Because when you're a child and your parent is a BP, saying you're sorry is the only way to fix their moods-- which you are, of course (eye roll) responsible for. It's a means of SOME kind of control. Even if, deep down, you had an inkling that things weren't so simple as " Me Wrong, Parents Right, " sometimes you were too young to formulate an articulate argument against parents who were too ill to be empathetic, or other times, maybe you were just too afraid. Knowing something intellectually (your parents are sick and their behavior is unacceptable) is different from really feeling it to be true. Please don't beat yourself up about feeling guilty. When you've had enough time to really KNOW how right you are, to really feel what it's even like to be in the right and know it's not your fault, I'm betting the guilt will begin to subside. Even if it never completely goes away, it will be more of a small voice that pops up from time to time than an overwhelming, crushing emotion. > > My birthday was a month ago. I have been NC with my nada, fada and grandnada since March. I had a few stress induced panic attacks and dreams about my nada before then thinking that my nada would attempt to contact me (she hasn't attempted any contact since June when my grandpa died). The day of my birthday, I received a card in the mail with a few gift cards to my favorite restaurants. No apology. No letter. No " Im sorry for telling you to stay out of my life. " or " Im sorry for constantly telling you that you were fat, ugly, no good and alone. " or " Im sorry for keeping your only family away from you, telling you that they hated you when they didn't. " Just a card with balloons on it, saying " We Love you. " > > So passive aggressive....Typical nada style.... > > ....but when her birthday came around a week ago, I felt the urge to send her a card and gift card as well. Why do I do that??!!1 why do I feel guilty when SHE is the one abused me!!? And it always comes around the holidays. > > Anyone else still struggle with guilt? I have enormous guilt. Anyone have LC or NC with notes and cards sent or is it just zero contact completely? > > AJ > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 21, 2010 Report Share Posted November 21, 2010 I still feel guilt, even though I realize its very likely misplaced and inappropriate, for remaining in virtually no contact, or " one way " contact with my nada. I'll send nada a birthday card, Christmas card, mother's day card, basically just wishing her well but not sharing any news. I don't take her phone calls or read anything she sends me, though. I get my nada-news from my Sister. I'm doing the best I can to honor the good parts of her. She didn't abort me, she didn't kill me or physically maim me, she didn't sell me for drugs or exploit me financially. She was and is a Jekyll-and-Hyde, and at least seemed to be good, thoughtful, and kind to me sometimes. That's what makes all this so horribly difficult for me. If I could paint her all-black, how much simpler and easier this would be; there would be absolutely no guilt for me then. My nada isn't all bad, but all told I think she did a lot more damage than she did good. I feel sorry for her, sorry that I need to not be around her any more because being around her hurts me, but that's just reality. The fact that she wants to hurt me as much as she wants to love me is real. Its sad that I ran out of " I forgive you's " and " I know you didn't mean it's " , but I did. -Annie > > My birthday was a month ago. I have been NC with my nada, fada and grandnada since March. I had a few stress induced panic attacks and dreams about my nada before then thinking that my nada would attempt to contact me (she hasn't attempted any contact since June when my grandpa died). The day of my birthday, I received a card in the mail with a few gift cards to my favorite restaurants. No apology. No letter. No " Im sorry for telling you to stay out of my life. " or " Im sorry for constantly telling you that you were fat, ugly, no good and alone. " or " Im sorry for keeping your only family away from you, telling you that they hated you when they didn't. " Just a card with balloons on it, saying " We Love you. " > > So passive aggressive....Typical nada style.... > > ....but when her birthday came around a week ago, I felt the urge to send her a card and gift card as well. Why do I do that??!!1 why do I feel guilty when SHE is the one abused me!!? And it always comes around the holidays. > > Anyone else still struggle with guilt? I have enormous guilt. Anyone have LC or NC with notes and cards sent or is it just zero contact completely? > > AJ > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 21, 2010 Report Share Posted November 21, 2010 I still feel guilt, even though I realize its very likely misplaced and inappropriate, for remaining in virtually no contact, or " one way " contact with my nada. I'll send nada a birthday card, Christmas card, mother's day card, basically just wishing her well but not sharing any news. I don't take her phone calls or read anything she sends me, though. I get my nada-news from my Sister. I'm doing the best I can to honor the good parts of her. She didn't abort me, she didn't kill me or physically maim me, she didn't sell me for drugs or exploit me financially. She was and is a Jekyll-and-Hyde, and at least seemed to be good, thoughtful, and kind to me sometimes. That's what makes all this so horribly difficult for me. If I could paint her all-black, how much simpler and easier this would be; there would be absolutely no guilt for me then. My nada isn't all bad, but all told I think she did a lot more damage than she did good. I feel sorry for her, sorry that I need to not be around her any more because being around her hurts me, but that's just reality. The fact that she wants to hurt me as much as she wants to love me is real. Its sad that I ran out of " I forgive you's " and " I know you didn't mean it's " , but I did. -Annie > > My birthday was a month ago. I have been NC with my nada, fada and grandnada since March. I had a few stress induced panic attacks and dreams about my nada before then thinking that my nada would attempt to contact me (she hasn't attempted any contact since June when my grandpa died). The day of my birthday, I received a card in the mail with a few gift cards to my favorite restaurants. No apology. No letter. No " Im sorry for telling you to stay out of my life. " or " Im sorry for constantly telling you that you were fat, ugly, no good and alone. " or " Im sorry for keeping your only family away from you, telling you that they hated you when they didn't. " Just a card with balloons on it, saying " We Love you. " > > So passive aggressive....Typical nada style.... > > ....but when her birthday came around a week ago, I felt the urge to send her a card and gift card as well. Why do I do that??!!1 why do I feel guilty when SHE is the one abused me!!? And it always comes around the holidays. > > Anyone else still struggle with guilt? I have enormous guilt. Anyone have LC or NC with notes and cards sent or is it just zero contact completely? > > AJ > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 21, 2010 Report Share Posted November 21, 2010 Thank you for posting this Annie. This is exactly how I feel. I relate to every bit apart of your post. > > > > My birthday was a month ago. I have been NC with my nada, fada and grandnada since March. I had a few stress induced panic attacks and dreams about my nada before then thinking that my nada would attempt to contact me (she hasn't attempted any contact since June when my grandpa died). The day of my birthday, I received a card in the mail with a few gift cards to my favorite restaurants. No apology. No letter. No " Im sorry for telling you to stay out of my life. " or " Im sorry for constantly telling you that you were fat, ugly, no good and alone. " or " Im sorry for keeping your only family away from you, telling you that they hated you when they didn't. " Just a card with balloons on it, saying " We Love you. " > > > > So passive aggressive....Typical nada style.... > > > > ....but when her birthday came around a week ago, I felt the urge to send her a card and gift card as well. Why do I do that??!!1 why do I feel guilty when SHE is the one abused me!!? And it always comes around the holidays. > > > > Anyone else still struggle with guilt? I have enormous guilt. Anyone have LC or NC with notes and cards sent or is it just zero contact completely? > > > > AJ > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 21, 2010 Report Share Posted November 21, 2010 Thank you for posting this Annie. This is exactly how I feel. I relate to every bit apart of your post. > > > > My birthday was a month ago. I have been NC with my nada, fada and grandnada since March. I had a few stress induced panic attacks and dreams about my nada before then thinking that my nada would attempt to contact me (she hasn't attempted any contact since June when my grandpa died). The day of my birthday, I received a card in the mail with a few gift cards to my favorite restaurants. No apology. No letter. No " Im sorry for telling you to stay out of my life. " or " Im sorry for constantly telling you that you were fat, ugly, no good and alone. " or " Im sorry for keeping your only family away from you, telling you that they hated you when they didn't. " Just a card with balloons on it, saying " We Love you. " > > > > So passive aggressive....Typical nada style.... > > > > ....but when her birthday came around a week ago, I felt the urge to send her a card and gift card as well. Why do I do that??!!1 why do I feel guilty when SHE is the one abused me!!? And it always comes around the holidays. > > > > Anyone else still struggle with guilt? I have enormous guilt. Anyone have LC or NC with notes and cards sent or is it just zero contact completely? > > > > AJ > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 21, 2010 Report Share Posted November 21, 2010 Thanks for letting me know that something I shared resonated, that's validating for me; I appreciate it. It is truly very, very difficult to wrap my mind around the concept that my own mother actually wishes to hurt me (apparently) as much as she wishes to love me and be loved by me, but I have to go by her behaviors. I have to deal with reality. The repetitive pattern of these behaviors is obvious and I can perceive it now, and when viewed objectively I really can't interpret her behaviors in any other way than nada is actively trying to " get me back " and hurt me for what she perceives as my hurting her. Its just so damned dysfunctional. My mother must have " Witch " traits, aka psychopathic traits, and she feels entitled to " get even " with me for not being a perfect reflection of her perfect, idealized self. She goes out of her way to say nasty things to me when I do have contact with her; she can't seem to stop herself. If a person I barely know were to say such insulting, mean things to me I'd recognize the hostile intent instantly and distance myself from that person, but I was trained (and genetically hardwired) from birth to " not hear " it when my own mother would say rejecting, insulting, mean things to me. For whatever reason, I can now hear these things, and it really hurts. The author of " Understanding the Borderline Mother " put it succinctly: " Degradation by someone who claims to love you is qualitatively different than degradation by a stranger, " says Ann Lawson, Ph.D. And I agree, its a complete world of difference. Saying " I'm sorry " but then attacking me again, and again, and again has finally worn through my ability to tolerate it, and I need No Contact now for purely self-protective reasons. Yet guilt for merely choosing to protect myself is still hard-wired into my psyche, somehow. At least it is not devastating, crippling guilt. Its at a level I can live with. -Annie > > Thank you for posting this Annie. This is exactly how I feel. I relate to every bit apart of your post. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 21, 2010 Report Share Posted November 21, 2010 Annie, I cried for about 5 minutes when I read your post. I can completely relate to what and what the others wrote. I remember the times when she would give up dinner just so I could have it....then turn around and say that it was my dad's fault and that she thinks he is having an affair. Or when she would tell me that I was fat and needed to lose wait, and turn around and say " I'm saying it because I love you. Who else is going to tell you the truth? " Every memory I have with my nada is bittersweet, which you so eloquently stated is the reason that this whole thing is so tough. I remember those good times, but I also remember the bad. With the same force of loving me, she wants to destroy me. My mother is also a Witch, who feels everyone is " out to get her " and the least likely to get treatment. I have to accept the reality of the situation. She fed me, clothed me, gave me a roof over my head, wasn't a drug addict and fostered the academics in my blood. I choose to honor her with sending her a card on her birthday (and I also get " nada news " ....from my cousin), but that is where it ends. i have to protect myself. It is so true when you quoted Lawson, " Degradation by someone who claims to love you is qualitatively different than degradation by a stranger, " because that explains a long list of failed frienships and relationships. I got so used to being treated like shit and manipulated. I finally had to break free. Thank you so much to everyone for your help. Its so helpful to know that I am not alone in this world. AJ > > > > Thank you for posting this Annie. This is exactly how I feel. I relate to every bit apart of your post. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 21, 2010 Report Share Posted November 21, 2010 Annie, I cried for about 5 minutes when I read your post. I can completely relate to what and what the others wrote. I remember the times when she would give up dinner just so I could have it....then turn around and say that it was my dad's fault and that she thinks he is having an affair. Or when she would tell me that I was fat and needed to lose wait, and turn around and say " I'm saying it because I love you. Who else is going to tell you the truth? " Every memory I have with my nada is bittersweet, which you so eloquently stated is the reason that this whole thing is so tough. I remember those good times, but I also remember the bad. With the same force of loving me, she wants to destroy me. My mother is also a Witch, who feels everyone is " out to get her " and the least likely to get treatment. I have to accept the reality of the situation. She fed me, clothed me, gave me a roof over my head, wasn't a drug addict and fostered the academics in my blood. I choose to honor her with sending her a card on her birthday (and I also get " nada news " ....from my cousin), but that is where it ends. i have to protect myself. It is so true when you quoted Lawson, " Degradation by someone who claims to love you is qualitatively different than degradation by a stranger, " because that explains a long list of failed frienships and relationships. I got so used to being treated like shit and manipulated. I finally had to break free. Thank you so much to everyone for your help. Its so helpful to know that I am not alone in this world. AJ > > > > Thank you for posting this Annie. This is exactly how I feel. I relate to every bit apart of your post. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 21, 2010 Report Share Posted November 21, 2010 Annie, I cried for about 5 minutes when I read your post. I can completely relate to what and what the others wrote. I remember the times when she would give up dinner just so I could have it....then turn around and say that it was my dad's fault and that she thinks he is having an affair. Or when she would tell me that I was fat and needed to lose wait, and turn around and say " I'm saying it because I love you. Who else is going to tell you the truth? " Every memory I have with my nada is bittersweet, which you so eloquently stated is the reason that this whole thing is so tough. I remember those good times, but I also remember the bad. With the same force of loving me, she wants to destroy me. My mother is also a Witch, who feels everyone is " out to get her " and the least likely to get treatment. I have to accept the reality of the situation. She fed me, clothed me, gave me a roof over my head, wasn't a drug addict and fostered the academics in my blood. I choose to honor her with sending her a card on her birthday (and I also get " nada news " ....from my cousin), but that is where it ends. i have to protect myself. It is so true when you quoted Lawson, " Degradation by someone who claims to love you is qualitatively different than degradation by a stranger, " because that explains a long list of failed frienships and relationships. I got so used to being treated like shit and manipulated. I finally had to break free. Thank you so much to everyone for your help. Its so helpful to know that I am not alone in this world. AJ > > > > Thank you for posting this Annie. This is exactly how I feel. I relate to every bit apart of your post. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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