Re: confirmation, validation, and a final goodbye to nada (long)

November 18, 2010

Isn't that a huge relief?

November 18, 2010

WOW! How cathartic for you. Your therapist sounds wonderful. She has spared you

from more years of trying to have a peaceful life that includes momster.

>

> Let me preface my usual post-I apologize for not being a more active member of

this group. I am taking 3 classes this semester, have 4 kids, and have been

insanely busy. On top of that-I have been attending weekly therapy sessions with

Nada.

> I have posted by story before: Raised by nada, co-housed with her, my children

and my husband for 7 years due to the FOG that she put on me when I was 25. (I

" owed her " an early retirement). After 7 years dh had had enough and told me

that he was leaving and hoped the kids and I would come with him. He just

couldn't take it anymore. We left and that's when things got REALLY bad. Nada's

anger and revengful tactics increased 10 fold. I have been EXTREMELY LC for 2

years. This spring I shared with you a letter I wrote to her in which I stated

that I would not have anything to do or let her spend time with my children

until she and I went to a therapist together.

>

> We started therapy in the begining of Oct. Per nada's request, I met first

with the therapist of her choosing. Nada said for me to check her out and if I

liked her then she would go too. At the VERY first therapy appt she told the

therapist that she only slapped me ONCE in my life, and doesn't regret it

because I had told Nada that I was " proud of my drugging and whoring around " in

high school. (Nice of her to try to HUMLIATE me in the first 10 min of the appt,

eh? I won't even dignify her dillusion with an explanation of the real incident

that set her off. It's so sick and twisted I get adreneline surges just thinking

about it.)

> This incident was one of the WORST in my entire life. She beat the hell outta

me that night. I had strangulation marks on my neck (she tried to strangle me

with my necklaces), brusing all over my back from repeated punches while I was

curled up in a ball, and a split lip from being punched in the mouth. The whole

time she was beating me she was yelling to my younger siblings " Call the police!

I'm being assaulted! " -AS IF SHE WAS THE ONE BEING PUNCHED?!?!?

> When I described this Nada just kept shaking her head, saying " it never

happened, it never happened... " with a sickening smile and looked at the

therapist as if to say " poor thing-she's so disturbed "

> So we went 3 times. Each time nada took ANYTHING and EVERYTHING I said as a

direct assault on HER. She flew into rages, burst into tears, denied being

anything but " an excellent parent " and blamed all of my issues on low self

esteem from my " abandonment issues " with my father and step father (of which I

have none! lol! My dad and step dad are good people and we worked out our issues

many years ago. I'm not close to either of them, but I feel perfectly ok and

very happy and content with the arrangement.)

> As I became increasinly frustrated with the therapy appts Nada refused to come

back for the fourth one unless I agreed to " not discuss the past and move on

from here. " The therapist pointed out that it was unfair of Nada to determine

the course of the therapy for the two of us. Nada said " Then let her come to see

you and figure out what she wants! " So we agreed that I would have the 1st half

of the next appt alone, then she would join.

> When I met with the therapist alone, she prefaced the conversation with " I am

uncomfortable diagnosing her, but your mother has clear regulation issues. " I

guess I didn't seem to be getting it and was still looking for SOME way to get

along with her and be a family, even if it was in the smallest sense.

>

> Finally the therapist said:

>

> " Look. Let me level with you. Your mother is *deeply* disturbed. She is a

dangerous threat to your pychological and emotional health. She seems to have a

moderate-severe case of personality disorder and she is *dangerous* to anyone

around her. Your children are not safe (with her). It was an honorable thing to

try to work it out with her. In all my years in practice I have never felt

so....hopeless...about a client. I felt so upset by what I am about to tell you

next that I conferred with an even more experienced collegue and he agreed with

me on the following: I feel your pain when you talk. It is obvious, genuine

PAIN. When you mother cries-it does not resonate with me at all. I feel nothing.

They are crocidile tears for a PERCIEVED hurt due to possible BPD. Your tears

are real because these things *really* happened to you. I believe you. I do not

believe your mother. You are a resilient woman. You are a good person and your

mother will NEVER see that. "

>

> I was numb. It has now been confirmed by 2 therapists that have met her that

she is BPD (moderate-severe). Nada was outside the room waiting for her " turn " .

She came in the room and I told her " This isn't working out. You want to go in

one direction (not discuss the past) and I want to go in another (resolve some

trust issues-poss. bringing up some of the past.) I just don't think this can

work. "

>

> She stared at me for 20-30 seconds. I thought she might get up and hit me. The

therapist looked visably nervous. Then she spat " Then I have just ONE question

for you! " I had a HUGE rush of adreneline and started to shake. I was thinking

" Oh my god! How MUCH DAMAGE will she do with this one question???? " I nervously

said " Uh...ok....what is it? " She stared again and angrily said " I recieved a

fundrasier in the mail from one of your kids! Am I supposed to respond to it? " I

was dumbfounded! I suppressed my laughter and said " Um. That's up to you. " She

stuffed her hands in her pockets and marched out.

>

> Fare thee well, momster, fare...thee..well.

>

November 18, 2010

Very, very good for you! You had the best validation possible. You can really

move on now without looking back. very good T!

I am happy for you.

My momster is so much more 'hidden' that 1) she would never in a million year

agree to therapy (she is perfect! I'm the one who has problems and needs

therapy) and 2) she is so intelligently manipulative that she would never

'crack' in front of a therapist and reveal her true, ugly self.

Good for you! Buy yourself a bottle of champagne!

>

November 18, 2010

Wow!!! That's all I can say, I am so in awe of you and your courage. And I am

so happy for you that you got such meaningful validation from two (!!) different

psychologists and had reality confirmed: your nada truly is very, very disturbed

AND DANGEROUS. Wow!!! I am feeling floods of relief for you; I'm betting you

must feel like a great weight has been lifted from your shoulders. Bless that

psychologist for telling you the truth, for wanting to protect you, and giving

you the " permission " , as it were, to protect yourself.

That is almost exactly what my Sister experienced. Her psychologist met with

both Sister and later with nada, and he told my Sister that our mother is like

" a toxic waste dump that Sister needed to fly around or it would foul her engine

and she'd crash into it. " (Sister appreciates aviation analogies.) Her

psychologist gave Sister " absolution " from guilt: the misplaced and

inappropriate guilt that Sister had been saddled with by our nada. Sister was

finally able to let go of her feelings of responsibility for our nada's

feelings, and guilt over never being good enough, which then gave her the

strength to make very hard and firm boundaries with our nada. Another way to put

it is that Sister finally realized that there was no hope of ever pleasing our

mother, that our mother rather enjoyed making Sister suffer, and Sister had the

right to protect herself from that sadistic behavior.

Sister now has contact with our nada but on Sister's own terms. Sister is the

" alpha wolf " now. (I like animal analogies!)

-Annie