Re: friendship troubles

[Guest guest]

Yes it does!

Please excuse any typos or terseness, this message was sent from a mobile

device.

friendship troubles

Do any of you have issues involving friends of your same gender?

Because my mother never had childhood friends and because of her BPD, she was

always very hostile regarding my friends. I had one best friend as a child. I

loooooved this friend. Mom was never mean to her in person, but said awful

things about her behind her back, such as: " Your friend isn't really your

friend, you're a fool for liking her so much, you don't know it but RIGHT THIS

MINUTE she's calling other girls and telling them your secrets. She think you're

stupid and dirty and weird. That little bitch!!!! "

She had no evidence for any of this. She drew it all only from my occasional

remarks, such as " Jodi made fun of my shoes today " -- and blew it waaaaay out of

proportion, making Jodi into the super villain of all time. And I half-believed

it because I was the emotional robot/slave. I loved my friend (still do) but

thought terrible things about her and feared her and wanted to punish her.

OK, long story short -- I try to be a good friend to people now, but looking

back, I can see that I was never " there for " people, and never actually knew how

to be a good friend. I wasn't a backstabbing monster, but just sort of

wishy-washy, elusive, and shallow, especially with fellow females. I've not been

totally friendless, but I have let many crucial female friends drift away. Now I

feel guilty and regretful -- for their sakes but also for mine.

This is the result of bad modeling. The adults in my life had no friends, and

had never HAD friends, so I never saw friendship in real life. This seems so

strange but it's true. Those friendship things that other kids saw their parents

do -- chatting on the phone, having coffee or fishing together, having parties.

Not my folks, not ever.

And I think BPD makes mothers envious of their children's friends, because these

friends threaten to divide the children's loyalties.

Yesterday I talked to my old college roommate for the first time in many years.

We won't be pals again as too much water has run under the bridge. But I feel

sooooo sad and regretful right now about what I haven't done for others and what

I've missed.

Does this sort of thing ring a bell for anyone else?

[Guest guest]

I find it ironic now that my best friend from 6th grade through high school was

so much like my nada but even more narcissistic. I couldn't see it at the time

because I was so enmeshed with my nada, but as I got older and we moved apart

(relocated to different parts of the country, and career-wise, interests, etc.)

and only would see each other occasionally, and once I clued into what was going

on with my nada (personality disorder) it became obvious that Best Friend had it

also.

My nada behaved as you described to her own friends. (She always had some

friends, but not the kind who would drop over to chat or go shopping with. More

like acquaintances I suppose, or fellow club members.) My nada would be very

sweet to their faces and then talk dirt about them behind their back, to me.

She'd do that with our relatives also. Nice life-lessons to learn at nada's

knee, huh.

Your nada sounds more like a hermit-type of bpd who trusted no one, and wanted

you, her possession, all to herself. You having a real friend was a threat to

her, in her mind.

Its never too late to learn new & better ways of doing things, and its never too

late to make a new friend, if that's what you want to do. I'd say, " go for it! "

-Annie

>

> Do any of you have issues involving friends of your same gender?

>

> Because my mother never had childhood friends and because of her BPD, she was

always very hostile regarding my friends. I had one best friend as a child. I

loooooved this friend. Mom was never mean to her in person, but said awful

things about her behind her back, such as: " Your friend isn't really your

friend, you're a fool for liking her so much, you don't know it but RIGHT THIS

MINUTE she's calling other girls and telling them your secrets. She think you're

stupid and dirty and weird. That little bitch!!!! "

>

> She had no evidence for any of this. She drew it all only from my occasional

remarks, such as " Jodi made fun of my shoes today " -- and blew it waaaaay out of

proportion, making Jodi into the super villain of all time. And I half-believed

it because I was the emotional robot/slave. I loved my friend (still do) but

thought terrible things about her and feared her and wanted to punish her.

>

> OK, long story short -- I try to be a good friend to people now, but looking

back, I can see that I was never " there for " people, and never actually knew how

to be a good friend. I wasn't a backstabbing monster, but just sort of

wishy-washy, elusive, and shallow, especially with fellow females. I've not been

totally friendless, but I have let many crucial female friends drift away. Now I

feel guilty and regretful -- for their sakes but also for mine.

>

> This is the result of bad modeling. The adults in my life had no friends, and

had never HAD friends, so I never saw friendship in real life. This seems so

strange but it's true. Those friendship things that other kids saw their parents

do -- chatting on the phone, having coffee or fishing together, having parties.

Not my folks, not ever.

>

> And I think BPD makes mothers envious of their children's friends, because

these friends threaten to divide the children's loyalties.

>

> Yesterday I talked to my old college roommate for the first time in many

years. We won't be pals again as too much water has run under the bridge. But I

feel sooooo sad and regretful right now about what I haven't done for others and

what I've missed.

>

> Does this sort of thing ring a bell for anyone else?

>

[Guest guest]

Wow. This forum is eerie. Here's what I figured out about myself and my friends;

it's taken years.

I too have had to learn to be a good friend. I think I used my friends as a

means to escape my home life. I needed my friends to be high-energy and fun ...

they were kind of like drugs for me. If someone was too boring or got on my

nerves at all, I'd drop them like a rock.

Having said that, I had two female friends whom I was very close to for many

years, until I got tired of them treating me like dirt. They were both very

attractive, very fun to hang out with, and I suppose I liked not only our wild

good times but picking up their " seconds " (as in guys). Once I hit the age of

25, I realized how crappy they both treated me and I quit speaking to both of

them for many years.

After a few years of not speaking to them I realized to my horror that they

behaved exactly like my Nada. After a few more years, I realized that they

treated me like dirt because that's exactly the way I treated myself; I was, in

effect, allowing them to treat me badly because my self esteem was so low.

I'm now friends with both of them again, but from a distance. They've moved

away, we've made amends, and we can get together on occasion and have a good

time. They understand now that I respect myself so they treat me well.

I'm also happy to report that I don't dump friends on a whim anymore. Even if

they get on my nerves I take into consideration the people who are really there

for me, even if I don't always relish their company. I'm trying really hard to

learn patience and acceptance and understand that no one is perfect; certainly

not me.

My Nada, of course, is the one I can't seem to accept " as-is " . As a parent

myself, I don't understand how someone can treat their own child so crappily,

even if they did have a horrible childhood, which my Nada did.

It's so crazy chatting with you guys. The similarities are haunting. They also

remind me that *I'm* not imagining things, and I'm not the one with the issues.

(Okay, I have issues, but you know what I mean.)

[Guest guest]

Oh, and p.s., I was also not a very good friend to friends who were going

through an extended bad time and I'm ashamed to admit that I dropped friends if

they were simply too depressed for too long. I think now, though, that I was

this way because I was expending all my energy on trying to keep both of my

parents happy, so a friend who was going through an extended funk was just too

much for me to take. Not to mention the fact that I was always battling my own

depression. It was like I had nothing left to give.

>

> Wow. This forum is eerie. Here's what I figured out about myself and my

friends; it's taken years.

>

> I too have had to learn to be a good friend. I think I used my friends as a

means to escape my home life. I needed my friends to be high-energy and fun ...

they were kind of like drugs for me. If someone was too boring or got on my

nerves at all, I'd drop them like a rock.

>

> Having said that, I had two female friends whom I was very close to for many

years, until I got tired of them treating me like dirt. They were both very

attractive, very fun to hang out with, and I suppose I liked not only our wild

good times but picking up their " seconds " (as in guys). Once I hit the age of

25, I realized how crappy they both treated me and I quit speaking to both of

them for many years.

>

> After a few years of not speaking to them I realized to my horror that they

behaved exactly like my Nada. After a few more years, I realized that they

treated me like dirt because that's exactly the way I treated myself; I was, in

effect, allowing them to treat me badly because my self esteem was so low.

>

> I'm now friends with both of them again, but from a distance. They've moved

away, we've made amends, and we can get together on occasion and have a good

time. They understand now that I respect myself so they treat me well.

>

> I'm also happy to report that I don't dump friends on a whim anymore. Even if

they get on my nerves I take into consideration the people who are really there

for me, even if I don't always relish their company. I'm trying really hard to

learn patience and acceptance and understand that no one is perfect; certainly

not me.

>

> My Nada, of course, is the one I can't seem to accept " as-is " . As a parent

myself, I don't understand how someone can treat their own child so crappily,

even if they did have a horrible childhood, which my Nada did.

>

> It's so crazy chatting with you guys. The similarities are haunting. They also

remind me that *I'm* not imagining things, and I'm not the one with the issues.

(Okay, I have issues, but you know what I mean.)

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Oh, and p.s., I was also not a very good friend to friends who were going

through an extended bad time and I'm ashamed to admit that I dropped friends if

they were simply too depressed for too long. I think now, though, that I was

this way because I was expending all my energy on trying to keep both of my

parents happy, so a friend who was going through an extended funk was just too

much for me to take. Not to mention the fact that I was always battling my own

depression. It was like I had nothing left to give.

>

> Wow. This forum is eerie. Here's what I figured out about myself and my

friends; it's taken years.

>

> I too have had to learn to be a good friend. I think I used my friends as a

means to escape my home life. I needed my friends to be high-energy and fun ...

they were kind of like drugs for me. If someone was too boring or got on my

nerves at all, I'd drop them like a rock.

>

> Having said that, I had two female friends whom I was very close to for many

years, until I got tired of them treating me like dirt. They were both very

attractive, very fun to hang out with, and I suppose I liked not only our wild

good times but picking up their " seconds " (as in guys). Once I hit the age of

25, I realized how crappy they both treated me and I quit speaking to both of

them for many years.

>

> After a few years of not speaking to them I realized to my horror that they

behaved exactly like my Nada. After a few more years, I realized that they

treated me like dirt because that's exactly the way I treated myself; I was, in

effect, allowing them to treat me badly because my self esteem was so low.

>

> I'm now friends with both of them again, but from a distance. They've moved

away, we've made amends, and we can get together on occasion and have a good

time. They understand now that I respect myself so they treat me well.

>

> I'm also happy to report that I don't dump friends on a whim anymore. Even if

they get on my nerves I take into consideration the people who are really there

for me, even if I don't always relish their company. I'm trying really hard to

learn patience and acceptance and understand that no one is perfect; certainly

not me.

>

> My Nada, of course, is the one I can't seem to accept " as-is " . As a parent

myself, I don't understand how someone can treat their own child so crappily,

even if they did have a horrible childhood, which my Nada did.

>

> It's so crazy chatting with you guys. The similarities are haunting. They also

remind me that *I'm* not imagining things, and I'm not the one with the issues.

(Okay, I have issues, but you know what I mean.)

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Ambertolina, I related to what you said about your high-energy friends feeling

like a drug to you. I too used my friends as an escape hatch -- talking to them,

going to their houses, hanging out with them. At the time, I was not totally

conscious of this. I simply thought: They're my friends! We're kids! We hang out

together! ... But hmm, we always hung out at THEIR houses, not mine, THEIR

bedrooms and backyards, not mine.

Now I realize what I did not realize them: Their lives, their homes, felt

" normal " -- calm (even with all the siblings bickering) because no bpd parent

was in their lives. Talking to them was like suddenly getting hooked up to a

normalcy IV drip in the hospital of life.

But at the time, I did not realize that I had anything to escape. I did not

realize that a disordered person was tormenting me. I did not realize that my

constant anguish was (a) unnecessary, ( caused by my mother's issues not mine,

or © something to overcome. I thought it was justified. I thought I was so

seriously flawed and gross that it was miraculous that anyone would be friends

with me at all. With my friends, especially my best friend, I was a simpering

whimpering cowering masochistic dog, always desperate for approval, desperate to

please them. And yes, they took advantage of my low self-esteem sometimes, kids

being kids. At which point, I would tell Mom and she would blow it out of

proportion and rather than teach me how to fight back, or how to work things out

and get respect from my friends, she just sat there saying she wanted to murder

my bitch friends. She would then tell me to call these same friends and " beg the

bitches to forgive you because that's the only way out of this. "

Is it any wonder that I entered adulthood with no idea of how to treat others or

how to be respected by others?

I struggle to overcome the shame and sense of waste in all of the unnecessary,

pointless pain of those decades and decades.

Realizing that you were under the influence of a bpd parent for so long is like

realizing that you've been walking around in a weird costume and mask. You

think, Damn, I was wearing this....

And you take it off. You're naked underneath and have no idea what to wear.

[Guest guest]

i am sooooooo there with u!

everything you said is me to a T

amy

Re: friendship troubles

Oh, and p.s., I was also not a very good friend to friends who were going

through an extended bad time and I'm ashamed to admit that I dropped friends if

they were simply too depressed for too long. I think now, though, that I was

this way because I was expending all my energy on trying to keep both of my

parents happy, so a friend who was going through an extended funk was just too

much for me to take. Not to mention the fact that I was always battling my own

depression. It was like I had nothing left to give.

>

> Wow. This forum is eerie. Here's what I figured out about myself and my

friends; it's taken years.

>

> I too have had to learn to be a good friend. I think I used my friends as a

means to escape my home life. I needed my friends to be high-energy and fun ...

they were kind of like drugs for me. If someone was too boring or got on my

nerves at all, I'd drop them like a rock.

>

> Having said that, I had two female friends whom I was very close to for many

years, until I got tired of them treating me like dirt. They were both very

attractive, very fun to hang out with, and I suppose I liked not only our wild

good times but picking up their " seconds " (as in guys). Once I hit the age of

25, I realized how crappy they both treated me and I quit speaking to both of

them for many years.

>

> After a few years of not speaking to them I realized to my horror that they

behaved exactly like my Nada. After a few more years, I realized that they

treated me like dirt because that's exactly the way I treated myself; I was, in

effect, allowing them to treat me badly because my self esteem was so low.

>

> I'm now friends with both of them again, but from a distance. They've moved

away, we've made amends, and we can get together on occasion and have a good

time. They understand now that I respect myself so they treat me well.

>

> I'm also happy to report that I don't dump friends on a whim anymore. Even if

they get on my nerves I take into consideration the people who are really there

for me, even if I don't always relish their company. I'm trying really hard to

learn patience and acceptance and understand that no one is perfect; certainly

not me.

>

> My Nada, of course, is the one I can't seem to accept " as-is " . As a parent

myself, I don't understand how someone can treat their own child so crappily,

even if they did have a horrible childhood, which my Nada did.

>

> It's so crazy chatting with you guys. The similarities are haunting. They also

remind me that *I'm* not imagining things, and I'm not the one with the issues.

(Okay, I have issues, but you know what I mean.)

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

i am sooooooo there with u!

everything you said is me to a T

amy

Re: friendship troubles

Oh, and p.s., I was also not a very good friend to friends who were going

through an extended bad time and I'm ashamed to admit that I dropped friends if

they were simply too depressed for too long. I think now, though, that I was

this way because I was expending all my energy on trying to keep both of my

parents happy, so a friend who was going through an extended funk was just too

much for me to take. Not to mention the fact that I was always battling my own

depression. It was like I had nothing left to give.

>

> Wow. This forum is eerie. Here's what I figured out about myself and my

friends; it's taken years.

>

> I too have had to learn to be a good friend. I think I used my friends as a

means to escape my home life. I needed my friends to be high-energy and fun ...

they were kind of like drugs for me. If someone was too boring or got on my

nerves at all, I'd drop them like a rock.

>

> Having said that, I had two female friends whom I was very close to for many

years, until I got tired of them treating me like dirt. They were both very

attractive, very fun to hang out with, and I suppose I liked not only our wild

good times but picking up their " seconds " (as in guys). Once I hit the age of

25, I realized how crappy they both treated me and I quit speaking to both of

them for many years.

>

> After a few years of not speaking to them I realized to my horror that they

behaved exactly like my Nada. After a few more years, I realized that they

treated me like dirt because that's exactly the way I treated myself; I was, in

effect, allowing them to treat me badly because my self esteem was so low.

>

> I'm now friends with both of them again, but from a distance. They've moved

away, we've made amends, and we can get together on occasion and have a good

time. They understand now that I respect myself so they treat me well.

>

> I'm also happy to report that I don't dump friends on a whim anymore. Even if

they get on my nerves I take into consideration the people who are really there

for me, even if I don't always relish their company. I'm trying really hard to

learn patience and acceptance and understand that no one is perfect; certainly

not me.

>

> My Nada, of course, is the one I can't seem to accept " as-is " . As a parent

myself, I don't understand how someone can treat their own child so crappily,

even if they did have a horrible childhood, which my Nada did.

>

> It's so crazy chatting with you guys. The similarities are haunting. They also

remind me that *I'm* not imagining things, and I'm not the one with the issues.

(Okay, I have issues, but you know what I mean.)

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Justicecamp,

I have realized that my best friend in high school almost certainly has BPD.

She even mentioned that it was one of her many diagnoses from her psychiatrist.

She recently found me on facebook, so I was considering visiting to catch up,

see each other's families, etc. Then I asked myself, " Why would I want to

willingly add another one of these people to have to deal with when I am already

choosing to stay in contact with my nada? "

My best friends at present are here on this board; I feel ashamed to admit that

I don't have other friends. But it is true. (I think family and acquaintances

would be surprised to know this about me because I care about other people so

much and enjoy their company, but I just can't open up or progress beyond

surface level relationships.)

[Guest guest]

Justicecamp,

I have realized that my best friend in high school almost certainly has BPD.

She even mentioned that it was one of her many diagnoses from her psychiatrist.

She recently found me on facebook, so I was considering visiting to catch up,

see each other's families, etc. Then I asked myself, " Why would I want to

willingly add another one of these people to have to deal with when I am already

choosing to stay in contact with my nada? "

My best friends at present are here on this board; I feel ashamed to admit that

I don't have other friends. But it is true. (I think family and acquaintances

would be surprised to know this about me because I care about other people so

much and enjoy their company, but I just can't open up or progress beyond

surface level relationships.)