Long post! Sorry! What are you doing about Thanksgiving with nada?

[Guest guest]

I took a break for awhile from working on my issues with nada to focus on me for

a bit. But as the holidays near, the problems begin mounting. I was hoping

for some advice on how to respond to this email I received from nada. I will

give you some background information first to help you make some sense of this

email...

OK, so some background: My nada is 56 and I'm 30. She has awful financial and

health problems and often expects me to help her with both. My parents divorced

23 years ago. Though she remarried for about 8 years, she still is obsessed

with my father (her first ex)and our old way of life. She has pictures of us

all as a family and scrapbooks these pics from 25 years ago. Bizarre.

I have been married for 6 years-quite happily. My husband and I just found out

after trying for 18 months (including 1 miscarriage) that we're expecting twins!

Nada's father is still alive (83) but his health isn't great and driving a long

distance is hard for him. My very supportive and mentally well brother has long

since learned not to be an enabler and victim and also conveniently lives about

18 hours away. He will not be involved in Thanksgiving festivities. Nada

doesn't abuse him nearly as frequently as me because I'm physically closer.

Nada has no car and no money and therefore depends on caseworkers and aids to

take her places since she refuses to use any public transportation. She is

constantly asking to come and stay with my husband and I for a few days to visit

and says she wants to cook for us, etc. though she has to have her aids cook for

her because she can't stand long enough to cook dinner. I have told her that's

not a good idea because our home is not handicapped accessible and it's just not

a good idea. But she is relentless. Asks every time I talk to her.

With Thanksgiving she is being a complete bear because my husband and I have

decided that we have to split our holidays amonst families. Now that my

in-laws, parents (dad and stepmom are my REAL parents) and nada all live in

completely different cities 2-3 hours apart, we can't do 3 holidays in 1 weekend

anymore.

I asked my nada if we could do Thanksgiving on Wednesday evening with her and

she flipped out because she would only have a few hours with us and she deserves

more than that. she wants to come with us for all our family Thanksgiving

festivities with my in-laws. I told her that was impossible and non-negotiable.

So after a raging phone call where I had to hang up on her because she was

screaming at me, we had some email dialogue. I started it with a simple: " I

will see you on Wednesday before Thanksgiving if that is OK with you to keep

stress to a minimum. " I will attach her response for your review. I'm looking

for advice on how to respond or not respond. I would very much like to not see

her for Thanksgiving at all. In addition, I went through this same routine last

year. Now that I'm pregnant, I need to keep stress to a minimum. And if that

means NC, I'm ready. I realize she'll threaten suicide, but she plays that card

every time she doesn't get her way. She's had about 10 attempts in her life

that I know of?

Nada's email:

Stressful? What do you mean? Because I'm not happy with the arrangements of

being treated like the birth mother you're afraid will say something off color

or dress poorly, and your embarrassed by the way she now looks because of her

declining health, having to wear O2 all of the time? And where might I like to

go? The house a la Wentzville to see a certain relative that I haven't seen

since Mother's Day! I have been unable to sleep, angry, depressed, getting

sicker because of my " family situation " (what the doctors, the CSW's, my friends

call your priorities to spend days with your large families and not even try to

get me included and NEVER inviting me into your home. I NEVER treated my mother

or my grandmother that way, and visa versa!

Less stressful? Would you prefer to skip it all together? Sounds like your in

such a hurry to get to K.C anyway that it's just about going to kill you to

spend time with me at all. And do you know the last time we didn't half rush

around and actually had fun together was? The Mother's Day the year of 2009 when

we ate out and shopped at JCPenney's for (things [] and I had a ball in the

dressing room being silly with you, Jen. But I think when I'm in public with

you my serious osteoporosis and my hump and my walker embarrass you to death.

And you haven't been out with me and my O2 tanks. God, that's going to kill you.

I don't want to go out with me, what do I expect of my tall beautiful daughter

and her very handsome family? More tears.

I don't expect you to want to be succesful in developing a strong happy

relationship with me, because you have already put so many rules and regulations

on what I can and cannot say, where I can and cannot go, never answering the

phone without this, that, and the other (when I call). Sometimes I have to call

you for material things, because either doesn't get the picture that I'm

living in abject poverty, and cannot even afford the basics.

Each hospitalization for depression was in November, and I was 34 years old when

I took a serious overdose to end the terrible mental pain I was living with.

:Your Dad knew how many drugs and alcohol I had consumed that night. I thought

my chances were pretty good that I'd be gone by morning, and I'd be gone. I

thought he'd at least check on me to see that I was gone, call the coroner and

get me removed. But I woke up in the morning, and you know the rotten rest.

And for the last two years, on and off, but very much this last 3 to 4 months;

I have so much regretted not having been successful that night. Dad had been

seeing Margie for months already, and she was so pretty and tall and well !

What do I have? Pain, I'm short, A face disfigured by steroids, and with oxygen

tubing, a back bent by endless vertebral fractures and two major surgeries to

save my life from a " superinfection " in my spine.

Well, we know how much fun this has been also. I'm tired of getting sicker and

feeling worse, with no rewards for sticking with the program, the pills, the

diet, the O2, the tests, spending any sparse amount of money on copays or some

needed medical thing. I'm tired of staying alive for a grandson I only see once

or twice a year in person, and a son who still can't send me one lousy picture.

I want to see my daughter who will finally wake up and see how much I am

hurting and also grieving inside and being pushed aside. BTW, I have been

invited to dinner on Thanksgiving day itself by a friend whose daughter is going

to pick me up.

I WILL ONLY GO TO DINNER IF :

1:you read this

2:you call me before the weekend, before I go crazy. "

I'll add my follow-up fantasy response in a separate post since this is

embarrassingly long. Thanks for any suggestions or support!

Sincerely,