Jump to content
RemedySpot.com

Re: How Do You Answer Nada When She Accuses You Outright of Something You Didn't Do

Rate this topic

Guest guest

By Guest guest
in Health, Medicine and Natural Healing 10

 Share

Recommended Posts

Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

I'd only speak to her as long as she is being pleasant, but the moment she

starts attacking and ranting and accusing you of things you didn't do, I'd just

say, " I won't listen to you when you talk to me like that, so I'm hanging up

now. I'll talk to you later. 'Bye. "

Talk over her if you have to. There's no rule that says you have to take verbal

abuse over the phone. If you stay on the phone and listen to her ravings and

argue with her or try to reason with her, you're basically rewarding her for

abusing you.

If you just politely hang up after announcing that you won't be listening to her

when she talks to you like that, then, you are no longer rewarding her for

abusing you.

Have you tried that strategy yet?

-Annie

>

> How do I answer nada on the phone when she accuses me outright of something I

didn't do? If I get angry after she has pushed my buttons and insulted/verbally

abused me for awhile to the point I can't take anymore, she gets even nastier

and more vicious and reiterates that she 'knows I did such and such' or 'said

such and such'. If she can't think of something else to make up that I

supposedly did or said, she just continues to rant about the current made up

situation or saying which never occurred.

>

> The other day she called and screamed at me asking me if I called Aunt Fran

because Aunt Fran called her and told her that I had phoned her making her 'so

upset' that I caused her blood pressure to go up so badly she has had a constant

nosebleed since she talked to me. Nada demanded to know what I said to Aunt

Fran to upset her so and whatever it was, Aunt Fran's condition, 'upset her so

it is making her even sicker'. First of all I told her I don't ever call Aunt

Fran and haven't spoken to her since my stepfather's funeral (my nada's

husband) in 2006. Aunt Fran I believe is also a BPD and my nada's sister. She

constantly tells my nada that she 'knows' I hate her and that nada should leave

her $ to her and her daughters (my cousins). She has betrayed me in the past

when I was 16 and my nada after being caught cheating by my father with my soon

to be at that time stepfather, sent my heartfelt letter expressing my feelings

to my nada which she brings up to this day when she is in the mood to do so. I

of course tell her that that was YEARS ago and that was then, but she won't let

go of it of course. So no I never bother with Aunt Fran and at my stepfather's

funeral in 2006 all I said was " hi " and " how are you " and " goodbye " refusing to

sit anywhere near her because she twists whatever you say to suit her just as

nada does.

>

> Nada accuses me of lying to her all the time and the truth is I don't LIE to

her as much as not tell her anything because she not only twists things to suit

her of course, but I see no sense in telling nada anything I don't have to.

Ours is a very superficial relationship but of course nada doesn't see it that

way. I make it all about her, which seems to help a bit but not enough.

>

> I can't go n.c. at this point in our lives and I don't want to infuriate her

more but 99% of what she accuses me of are ludicrous and completely made up out

of nada's bizarre fantasy life twisting old circumstances and situations to suit

her. No one is as they really were or are to nada - my father who was a very

kind, loving, quiet, self-effacing man and wouldn't hurt a fly or drink became

and is to nada a drunken b* * * * * * who abused us both for years, don't you

remember she'll say. The poor man is dead since 1990 for one thing and he

kicked her out in 1966 so give it up already nada first of all. Second of all

he was none of the above and was one of the ONLY stabilities and showed me love

- you certainly didn't except when it suited you which was seldom.

>

> My stepfather who was an abusive, vicious, domineering, tyrannical, warped

pedophile who raped my cousin when she was five and raped my oldest cousin's

daughter when she was five, is now St. and 'the only person who ever

loved me'. He abused her; tried to sexually attack me when I was 19; ruled her

with worse than an iron fist and I couldn't stand him. Not to mention he was a

skin flint and made my nada live in 1900 fashion and dictated every single thing

in her life, but he had money and a powerful position at work so nada revered

him and put up with it. My father let her get away with murder and she forced

him to work as many hours as he could get getting double time and time and a

half so she could have everything she wanted.

>

> My Aunt Fran is 'my poor, pathetic sister who needs my help and love' when, in

fact, she is a shark compared to nada and nada is a guppy for her.

>

> No one is how they really are. I am, in nada's mind, either a mean, selfish,

greedy, evil liar who 'never thinks of anyone but myself' and a 'partygirl'

(which is ludicrous since I have never been drunk once in my life; have never

used a drug and I don't party AT all) or the next phone call or the next minute

depending on her mood I am 'such a good daughter and so smart you take after

me'. Any gift or talent I have, it is because of 'her'. She claims I am not my

father's or I'd be a 'horse face' and 'a stupid bitch' and that she had

artificial insemination with my godfather because she wanted 'a smart, artistic,

beautiful, smart child' so she wanted a baby with him even though he was married

to someone else and she was married to my father at the time. He is long since

dead (my godfather) so I have no way of knowing if I am his or not but

certainly not by 'artificial insemination' since I was born in 1950 and they

couldn't do that then.

>

> So how do I answer nada's accusations and her horrible, twisted view of the

past which never was? I know it shouldn't matter what she thinks of the past

and I don't care on one level but I hate the fact she is demeaning good people

and revering those who deserve to be written off by her.

>

> I've used every excuse to get off the phone from 'someone is at the door' - 'I

was just on my way out' - 'I am expecting company' (to which I hear - " the ONLY

friend you have is Betty down here and you are to only USE them until I die and

you move down here so don't give them anything " . Nada thinks I am going to get

rid of all my furniture and belongings and live in her house just the way it is

with all her furniture and belongings when she goes. No sense bringing that up

so I let her think I will do what she wants and then do what I want once she's

gone and the way she's going and this last fall of hers last week after getting

dizzy and hitting her head on the bathroom sink it won't be long. The neighbor

says she has a goose egg sized lump on her forehead; a deep gash on the bridge

of her nose; two black eyes which were swollen shut (she said she was blind for

an hour and laid there until she could get up); cut from her mouth down to her

chin and swollen cheeks. Of course she refuses medical help as she fears them

putting her in a nursing home.

>

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

I'd only speak to her as long as she is being pleasant, but the moment she

starts attacking and ranting and accusing you of things you didn't do, I'd just

say, " I won't listen to you when you talk to me like that, so I'm hanging up

now. I'll talk to you later. 'Bye. "

Talk over her if you have to. There's no rule that says you have to take verbal

abuse over the phone. If you stay on the phone and listen to her ravings and

argue with her or try to reason with her, you're basically rewarding her for

abusing you.

If you just politely hang up after announcing that you won't be listening to her

when she talks to you like that, then, you are no longer rewarding her for

abusing you.

Have you tried that strategy yet?

-Annie

>

> How do I answer nada on the phone when she accuses me outright of something I

didn't do? If I get angry after she has pushed my buttons and insulted/verbally

abused me for awhile to the point I can't take anymore, she gets even nastier

and more vicious and reiterates that she 'knows I did such and such' or 'said

such and such'. If she can't think of something else to make up that I

supposedly did or said, she just continues to rant about the current made up

situation or saying which never occurred.

>

> The other day she called and screamed at me asking me if I called Aunt Fran

because Aunt Fran called her and told her that I had phoned her making her 'so

upset' that I caused her blood pressure to go up so badly she has had a constant

nosebleed since she talked to me. Nada demanded to know what I said to Aunt

Fran to upset her so and whatever it was, Aunt Fran's condition, 'upset her so

it is making her even sicker'. First of all I told her I don't ever call Aunt

Fran and haven't spoken to her since my stepfather's funeral (my nada's

husband) in 2006. Aunt Fran I believe is also a BPD and my nada's sister. She

constantly tells my nada that she 'knows' I hate her and that nada should leave

her $ to her and her daughters (my cousins). She has betrayed me in the past

when I was 16 and my nada after being caught cheating by my father with my soon

to be at that time stepfather, sent my heartfelt letter expressing my feelings

to my nada which she brings up to this day when she is in the mood to do so. I

of course tell her that that was YEARS ago and that was then, but she won't let

go of it of course. So no I never bother with Aunt Fran and at my stepfather's

funeral in 2006 all I said was " hi " and " how are you " and " goodbye " refusing to

sit anywhere near her because she twists whatever you say to suit her just as

nada does.

>

> Nada accuses me of lying to her all the time and the truth is I don't LIE to

her as much as not tell her anything because she not only twists things to suit

her of course, but I see no sense in telling nada anything I don't have to.

Ours is a very superficial relationship but of course nada doesn't see it that

way. I make it all about her, which seems to help a bit but not enough.

>

> I can't go n.c. at this point in our lives and I don't want to infuriate her

more but 99% of what she accuses me of are ludicrous and completely made up out

of nada's bizarre fantasy life twisting old circumstances and situations to suit

her. No one is as they really were or are to nada - my father who was a very

kind, loving, quiet, self-effacing man and wouldn't hurt a fly or drink became

and is to nada a drunken b* * * * * * who abused us both for years, don't you

remember she'll say. The poor man is dead since 1990 for one thing and he

kicked her out in 1966 so give it up already nada first of all. Second of all

he was none of the above and was one of the ONLY stabilities and showed me love

- you certainly didn't except when it suited you which was seldom.

>

> My stepfather who was an abusive, vicious, domineering, tyrannical, warped

pedophile who raped my cousin when she was five and raped my oldest cousin's

daughter when she was five, is now St. and 'the only person who ever

loved me'. He abused her; tried to sexually attack me when I was 19; ruled her

with worse than an iron fist and I couldn't stand him. Not to mention he was a

skin flint and made my nada live in 1900 fashion and dictated every single thing

in her life, but he had money and a powerful position at work so nada revered

him and put up with it. My father let her get away with murder and she forced

him to work as many hours as he could get getting double time and time and a

half so she could have everything she wanted.

>

> My Aunt Fran is 'my poor, pathetic sister who needs my help and love' when, in

fact, she is a shark compared to nada and nada is a guppy for her.

>

> No one is how they really are. I am, in nada's mind, either a mean, selfish,

greedy, evil liar who 'never thinks of anyone but myself' and a 'partygirl'

(which is ludicrous since I have never been drunk once in my life; have never

used a drug and I don't party AT all) or the next phone call or the next minute

depending on her mood I am 'such a good daughter and so smart you take after

me'. Any gift or talent I have, it is because of 'her'. She claims I am not my

father's or I'd be a 'horse face' and 'a stupid bitch' and that she had

artificial insemination with my godfather because she wanted 'a smart, artistic,

beautiful, smart child' so she wanted a baby with him even though he was married

to someone else and she was married to my father at the time. He is long since

dead (my godfather) so I have no way of knowing if I am his or not but

certainly not by 'artificial insemination' since I was born in 1950 and they

couldn't do that then.

>

> So how do I answer nada's accusations and her horrible, twisted view of the

past which never was? I know it shouldn't matter what she thinks of the past

and I don't care on one level but I hate the fact she is demeaning good people

and revering those who deserve to be written off by her.

>

> I've used every excuse to get off the phone from 'someone is at the door' - 'I

was just on my way out' - 'I am expecting company' (to which I hear - " the ONLY

friend you have is Betty down here and you are to only USE them until I die and

you move down here so don't give them anything " . Nada thinks I am going to get

rid of all my furniture and belongings and live in her house just the way it is

with all her furniture and belongings when she goes. No sense bringing that up

so I let her think I will do what she wants and then do what I want once she's

gone and the way she's going and this last fall of hers last week after getting

dizzy and hitting her head on the bathroom sink it won't be long. The neighbor

says she has a goose egg sized lump on her forehead; a deep gash on the bridge

of her nose; two black eyes which were swollen shut (she said she was blind for

an hour and laid there until she could get up); cut from her mouth down to her

chin and swollen cheeks. Of course she refuses medical help as she fears them

putting her in a nursing home.

>

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

I'd only speak to her as long as she is being pleasant, but the moment she

starts attacking and ranting and accusing you of things you didn't do, I'd just

say, " I won't listen to you when you talk to me like that, so I'm hanging up

now. I'll talk to you later. 'Bye. "

Talk over her if you have to. There's no rule that says you have to take verbal

abuse over the phone. If you stay on the phone and listen to her ravings and

argue with her or try to reason with her, you're basically rewarding her for

abusing you.

If you just politely hang up after announcing that you won't be listening to her

when she talks to you like that, then, you are no longer rewarding her for

abusing you.

Have you tried that strategy yet?

-Annie

>

> How do I answer nada on the phone when she accuses me outright of something I

didn't do? If I get angry after she has pushed my buttons and insulted/verbally

abused me for awhile to the point I can't take anymore, she gets even nastier

and more vicious and reiterates that she 'knows I did such and such' or 'said

such and such'. If she can't think of something else to make up that I

supposedly did or said, she just continues to rant about the current made up

situation or saying which never occurred.

>

> The other day she called and screamed at me asking me if I called Aunt Fran

because Aunt Fran called her and told her that I had phoned her making her 'so

upset' that I caused her blood pressure to go up so badly she has had a constant

nosebleed since she talked to me. Nada demanded to know what I said to Aunt

Fran to upset her so and whatever it was, Aunt Fran's condition, 'upset her so

it is making her even sicker'. First of all I told her I don't ever call Aunt

Fran and haven't spoken to her since my stepfather's funeral (my nada's

husband) in 2006. Aunt Fran I believe is also a BPD and my nada's sister. She

constantly tells my nada that she 'knows' I hate her and that nada should leave

her $ to her and her daughters (my cousins). She has betrayed me in the past

when I was 16 and my nada after being caught cheating by my father with my soon

to be at that time stepfather, sent my heartfelt letter expressing my feelings

to my nada which she brings up to this day when she is in the mood to do so. I

of course tell her that that was YEARS ago and that was then, but she won't let

go of it of course. So no I never bother with Aunt Fran and at my stepfather's

funeral in 2006 all I said was " hi " and " how are you " and " goodbye " refusing to

sit anywhere near her because she twists whatever you say to suit her just as

nada does.

>

> Nada accuses me of lying to her all the time and the truth is I don't LIE to

her as much as not tell her anything because she not only twists things to suit

her of course, but I see no sense in telling nada anything I don't have to.

Ours is a very superficial relationship but of course nada doesn't see it that

way. I make it all about her, which seems to help a bit but not enough.

>

> I can't go n.c. at this point in our lives and I don't want to infuriate her

more but 99% of what she accuses me of are ludicrous and completely made up out

of nada's bizarre fantasy life twisting old circumstances and situations to suit

her. No one is as they really were or are to nada - my father who was a very

kind, loving, quiet, self-effacing man and wouldn't hurt a fly or drink became

and is to nada a drunken b* * * * * * who abused us both for years, don't you

remember she'll say. The poor man is dead since 1990 for one thing and he

kicked her out in 1966 so give it up already nada first of all. Second of all

he was none of the above and was one of the ONLY stabilities and showed me love

- you certainly didn't except when it suited you which was seldom.

>

> My stepfather who was an abusive, vicious, domineering, tyrannical, warped

pedophile who raped my cousin when she was five and raped my oldest cousin's

daughter when she was five, is now St. and 'the only person who ever

loved me'. He abused her; tried to sexually attack me when I was 19; ruled her

with worse than an iron fist and I couldn't stand him. Not to mention he was a

skin flint and made my nada live in 1900 fashion and dictated every single thing

in her life, but he had money and a powerful position at work so nada revered

him and put up with it. My father let her get away with murder and she forced

him to work as many hours as he could get getting double time and time and a

half so she could have everything she wanted.

>

> My Aunt Fran is 'my poor, pathetic sister who needs my help and love' when, in

fact, she is a shark compared to nada and nada is a guppy for her.

>

> No one is how they really are. I am, in nada's mind, either a mean, selfish,

greedy, evil liar who 'never thinks of anyone but myself' and a 'partygirl'

(which is ludicrous since I have never been drunk once in my life; have never

used a drug and I don't party AT all) or the next phone call or the next minute

depending on her mood I am 'such a good daughter and so smart you take after

me'. Any gift or talent I have, it is because of 'her'. She claims I am not my

father's or I'd be a 'horse face' and 'a stupid bitch' and that she had

artificial insemination with my godfather because she wanted 'a smart, artistic,

beautiful, smart child' so she wanted a baby with him even though he was married

to someone else and she was married to my father at the time. He is long since

dead (my godfather) so I have no way of knowing if I am his or not but

certainly not by 'artificial insemination' since I was born in 1950 and they

couldn't do that then.

>

> So how do I answer nada's accusations and her horrible, twisted view of the

past which never was? I know it shouldn't matter what she thinks of the past

and I don't care on one level but I hate the fact she is demeaning good people

and revering those who deserve to be written off by her.

>

> I've used every excuse to get off the phone from 'someone is at the door' - 'I

was just on my way out' - 'I am expecting company' (to which I hear - " the ONLY

friend you have is Betty down here and you are to only USE them until I die and

you move down here so don't give them anything " . Nada thinks I am going to get

rid of all my furniture and belongings and live in her house just the way it is

with all her furniture and belongings when she goes. No sense bringing that up

so I let her think I will do what she wants and then do what I want once she's

gone and the way she's going and this last fall of hers last week after getting

dizzy and hitting her head on the bathroom sink it won't be long. The neighbor

says she has a goose egg sized lump on her forehead; a deep gash on the bridge

of her nose; two black eyes which were swollen shut (she said she was blind for

an hour and laid there until she could get up); cut from her mouth down to her

chin and swollen cheeks. Of course she refuses medical help as she fears them

putting her in a nursing home.

>

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

I kind of tried conditioning my mother like a child by telling her I had to go

the second she started complaining, but it never seemed to work,. I've tried it

with my sister too and it's kind of like they never really get it.

Re: How Do You Answer Nada When She Accuses You

Outright of Something You Didn't Do

I'd only speak to her as long as she is being pleasant, but the moment she

starts attacking and ranting and accusing you of things you didn't do, I'd just

say, " I won't listen to you when you talk to me like that, so I'm hanging up

now. I'll talk to you later. 'Bye. "

Talk over her if you have to. There's no rule that says you have to take verbal

abuse over the phone. If you stay on the phone and listen to her ravings and

argue with her or try to reason with her, you're basically rewarding her for

abusing you.

If you just politely hang up after announcing that you won't be listening to her

when she talks to you like that, then, you are no longer rewarding her for

abusing you.

Have you tried that strategy yet?

-Annie

>

> How do I answer nada on the phone when she accuses me outright of something I

didn't do? If I get angry after she has pushed my buttons and insulted/verbally

abused me for awhile to the point I can't take anymore, she gets even nastier

and more vicious and reiterates that she 'knows I did such and such' or 'said

such and such'. If she can't think of something else to make up that I

supposedly did or said, she just continues to rant about the current made up

situation or saying which never occurred.

>

> The other day she called and screamed at me asking me if I called Aunt Fran

because Aunt Fran called her and told her that I had phoned her making her 'so

upset' that I caused her blood pressure to go up so badly she has had a constant

nosebleed since she talked to me. Nada demanded to know what I said to Aunt Fran

to upset her so and whatever it was, Aunt Fran's condition, 'upset her so it is

making her even sicker'. First of all I told her I don't ever call Aunt Fran and

haven't spoken to her since my stepfather's funeral (my nada's husband) in 2006.

Aunt Fran I believe is also a BPD and my nada's sister. She constantly tells my

nada that she 'knows' I hate her and that nada should leave her $ to her and her

daughters (my cousins). She has betrayed me in the past when I was 16 and my

nada after being caught cheating by my father with my soon to be at that time

stepfather, sent my heartfelt letter expressing my feelings to my nada which she

brings up to this day when she is in the mood to do so. I of course tell her

that that was YEARS ago and that was then, but she won't let go of it of course.

So no I never bother with Aunt Fran and at my stepfather's funeral in 2006 all I

said was " hi " and " how are you " and " goodbye " refusing to sit anywhere near her

because she twists whatever you say to suit her just as nada does.

>

> Nada accuses me of lying to her all the time and the truth is I don't LIE to

her as much as not tell her anything because she not only twists things to suit

her of course, but I see no sense in telling nada anything I don't have to. Ours

is a very superficial relationship but of course nada doesn't see it that way. I

make it all about her, which seems to help a bit but not enough.

>

> I can't go n.c. at this point in our lives and I don't want to infuriate her

more but 99% of what she accuses me of are ludicrous and completely made up out

of nada's bizarre fantasy life twisting old circumstances and situations to suit

her. No one is as they really were or are to nada - my father who was a very

kind, loving, quiet, self-effacing man and wouldn't hurt a fly or drink became

and is to nada a drunken b* * * * * * who abused us both for years, don't you

remember she'll say. The poor man is dead since 1990 for one thing and he kicked

her out in 1966 so give it up already nada first of all. Second of all he was

none of the above and was one of the ONLY stabilities and showed me love - you

certainly didn't except when it suited you which was seldom.

>

> My stepfather who was an abusive, vicious, domineering, tyrannical, warped

pedophile who raped my cousin when she was five and raped my oldest cousin's

daughter when she was five, is now St. and 'the only person who ever

loved me'. He abused her; tried to sexually attack me when I was 19; ruled her

with worse than an iron fist and I couldn't stand him. Not to mention he was a

skin flint and made my nada live in 1900 fashion and dictated every single thing

in her life, but he had money and a powerful position at work so nada revered

him and put up with it. My father let her get away with murder and she forced

him to work as many hours as he could get getting double time and time and a

half so she could have everything she wanted.

>

> My Aunt Fran is 'my poor, pathetic sister who needs my help and love' when, in

fact, she is a shark compared to nada and nada is a guppy for her.

>

> No one is how they really are. I am, in nada's mind, either a mean, selfish,

greedy, evil liar who 'never thinks of anyone but myself' and a 'partygirl'

(which is ludicrous since I have never been drunk once in my life; have never

used a drug and I don't party AT all) or the next phone call or the next minute

depending on her mood I am 'such a good daughter and so smart you take after

me'. Any gift or talent I have, it is because of 'her'. She claims I am not my

father's or I'd be a 'horse face' and 'a stupid bitch' and that she had

artificial insemination with my godfather because she wanted 'a smart, artistic,

beautiful, smart child' so she wanted a baby with him even though he was married

to someone else and she was married to my father at the time. He is long since

dead (my godfather) so I have no way of knowing if I am his or not but certainly

not by 'artificial insemination' since I was born in 1950 and they couldn't do

that then.

>

> So how do I answer nada's accusations and her horrible, twisted view of the

past which never was? I know it shouldn't matter what she thinks of the past and

I don't care on one level but I hate the fact she is demeaning good people and

revering those who deserve to be written off by her.

>

> I've used every excuse to get off the phone from 'someone is at the door' - 'I

was just on my way out' - 'I am expecting company' (to which I hear - " the ONLY

friend you have is Betty down here and you are to only USE them until I die and

you move down here so don't give them anything " . Nada thinks I am going to get

rid of all my furniture and belongings and live in her house just the way it is

with all her furniture and belongings when she goes. No sense bringing that up

so I let her think I will do what she wants and then do what I want once she's

gone and the way she's going and this last fall of hers last week after getting

dizzy and hitting her head on the bathroom sink it won't be long. The neighbor

says she has a goose egg sized lump on her forehead; a deep gash on the bridge

of her nose; two black eyes which were swollen shut (she said she was blind for

an hour and laid there until she could get up); cut from her mouth down to her

chin and swollen cheeks. Of course she refuses medical help as she fears them

putting her in a nursing home.

>

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

I kind of tried conditioning my mother like a child by telling her I had to go

the second she started complaining, but it never seemed to work,. I've tried it

with my sister too and it's kind of like they never really get it.

Re: How Do You Answer Nada When She Accuses You

Outright of Something You Didn't Do

I'd only speak to her as long as she is being pleasant, but the moment she

starts attacking and ranting and accusing you of things you didn't do, I'd just

say, " I won't listen to you when you talk to me like that, so I'm hanging up

now. I'll talk to you later. 'Bye. "

Talk over her if you have to. There's no rule that says you have to take verbal

abuse over the phone. If you stay on the phone and listen to her ravings and

argue with her or try to reason with her, you're basically rewarding her for

abusing you.

If you just politely hang up after announcing that you won't be listening to her

when she talks to you like that, then, you are no longer rewarding her for

abusing you.

Have you tried that strategy yet?

-Annie

>

> How do I answer nada on the phone when she accuses me outright of something I

didn't do? If I get angry after she has pushed my buttons and insulted/verbally

abused me for awhile to the point I can't take anymore, she gets even nastier

and more vicious and reiterates that she 'knows I did such and such' or 'said

such and such'. If she can't think of something else to make up that I

supposedly did or said, she just continues to rant about the current made up

situation or saying which never occurred.

>

> The other day she called and screamed at me asking me if I called Aunt Fran

because Aunt Fran called her and told her that I had phoned her making her 'so

upset' that I caused her blood pressure to go up so badly she has had a constant

nosebleed since she talked to me. Nada demanded to know what I said to Aunt Fran

to upset her so and whatever it was, Aunt Fran's condition, 'upset her so it is

making her even sicker'. First of all I told her I don't ever call Aunt Fran and

haven't spoken to her since my stepfather's funeral (my nada's husband) in 2006.

Aunt Fran I believe is also a BPD and my nada's sister. She constantly tells my

nada that she 'knows' I hate her and that nada should leave her $ to her and her

daughters (my cousins). She has betrayed me in the past when I was 16 and my

nada after being caught cheating by my father with my soon to be at that time

stepfather, sent my heartfelt letter expressing my feelings to my nada which she

brings up to this day when she is in the mood to do so. I of course tell her

that that was YEARS ago and that was then, but she won't let go of it of course.

So no I never bother with Aunt Fran and at my stepfather's funeral in 2006 all I

said was " hi " and " how are you " and " goodbye " refusing to sit anywhere near her

because she twists whatever you say to suit her just as nada does.

>

> Nada accuses me of lying to her all the time and the truth is I don't LIE to

her as much as not tell her anything because she not only twists things to suit

her of course, but I see no sense in telling nada anything I don't have to. Ours

is a very superficial relationship but of course nada doesn't see it that way. I

make it all about her, which seems to help a bit but not enough.

>

> I can't go n.c. at this point in our lives and I don't want to infuriate her

more but 99% of what she accuses me of are ludicrous and completely made up out

of nada's bizarre fantasy life twisting old circumstances and situations to suit

her. No one is as they really were or are to nada - my father who was a very

kind, loving, quiet, self-effacing man and wouldn't hurt a fly or drink became

and is to nada a drunken b* * * * * * who abused us both for years, don't you

remember she'll say. The poor man is dead since 1990 for one thing and he kicked

her out in 1966 so give it up already nada first of all. Second of all he was

none of the above and was one of the ONLY stabilities and showed me love - you

certainly didn't except when it suited you which was seldom.

>

> My stepfather who was an abusive, vicious, domineering, tyrannical, warped

pedophile who raped my cousin when she was five and raped my oldest cousin's

daughter when she was five, is now St. and 'the only person who ever

loved me'. He abused her; tried to sexually attack me when I was 19; ruled her

with worse than an iron fist and I couldn't stand him. Not to mention he was a

skin flint and made my nada live in 1900 fashion and dictated every single thing

in her life, but he had money and a powerful position at work so nada revered

him and put up with it. My father let her get away with murder and she forced

him to work as many hours as he could get getting double time and time and a

half so she could have everything she wanted.

>

> My Aunt Fran is 'my poor, pathetic sister who needs my help and love' when, in

fact, she is a shark compared to nada and nada is a guppy for her.

>

> No one is how they really are. I am, in nada's mind, either a mean, selfish,

greedy, evil liar who 'never thinks of anyone but myself' and a 'partygirl'

(which is ludicrous since I have never been drunk once in my life; have never

used a drug and I don't party AT all) or the next phone call or the next minute

depending on her mood I am 'such a good daughter and so smart you take after

me'. Any gift or talent I have, it is because of 'her'. She claims I am not my

father's or I'd be a 'horse face' and 'a stupid bitch' and that she had

artificial insemination with my godfather because she wanted 'a smart, artistic,

beautiful, smart child' so she wanted a baby with him even though he was married

to someone else and she was married to my father at the time. He is long since

dead (my godfather) so I have no way of knowing if I am his or not but certainly

not by 'artificial insemination' since I was born in 1950 and they couldn't do

that then.

>

> So how do I answer nada's accusations and her horrible, twisted view of the

past which never was? I know it shouldn't matter what she thinks of the past and

I don't care on one level but I hate the fact she is demeaning good people and

revering those who deserve to be written off by her.

>

> I've used every excuse to get off the phone from 'someone is at the door' - 'I

was just on my way out' - 'I am expecting company' (to which I hear - " the ONLY

friend you have is Betty down here and you are to only USE them until I die and

you move down here so don't give them anything " . Nada thinks I am going to get

rid of all my furniture and belongings and live in her house just the way it is

with all her furniture and belongings when she goes. No sense bringing that up

so I let her think I will do what she wants and then do what I want once she's

gone and the way she's going and this last fall of hers last week after getting

dizzy and hitting her head on the bathroom sink it won't be long. The neighbor

says she has a goose egg sized lump on her forehead; a deep gash on the bridge

of her nose; two black eyes which were swollen shut (she said she was blind for

an hour and laid there until she could get up); cut from her mouth down to her

chin and swollen cheeks. Of course she refuses medical help as she fears them

putting her in a nursing home.

>

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

I kind of tried conditioning my mother like a child by telling her I had to go

the second she started complaining, but it never seemed to work,. I've tried it

with my sister too and it's kind of like they never really get it.

Re: How Do You Answer Nada When She Accuses You

Outright of Something You Didn't Do

I'd only speak to her as long as she is being pleasant, but the moment she

starts attacking and ranting and accusing you of things you didn't do, I'd just

say, " I won't listen to you when you talk to me like that, so I'm hanging up

now. I'll talk to you later. 'Bye. "

Talk over her if you have to. There's no rule that says you have to take verbal

abuse over the phone. If you stay on the phone and listen to her ravings and

argue with her or try to reason with her, you're basically rewarding her for

abusing you.

If you just politely hang up after announcing that you won't be listening to her

when she talks to you like that, then, you are no longer rewarding her for

abusing you.

Have you tried that strategy yet?

-Annie

>

> How do I answer nada on the phone when she accuses me outright of something I

didn't do? If I get angry after she has pushed my buttons and insulted/verbally

abused me for awhile to the point I can't take anymore, she gets even nastier

and more vicious and reiterates that she 'knows I did such and such' or 'said

such and such'. If she can't think of something else to make up that I

supposedly did or said, she just continues to rant about the current made up

situation or saying which never occurred.

>

> The other day she called and screamed at me asking me if I called Aunt Fran

because Aunt Fran called her and told her that I had phoned her making her 'so

upset' that I caused her blood pressure to go up so badly she has had a constant

nosebleed since she talked to me. Nada demanded to know what I said to Aunt Fran

to upset her so and whatever it was, Aunt Fran's condition, 'upset her so it is

making her even sicker'. First of all I told her I don't ever call Aunt Fran and

haven't spoken to her since my stepfather's funeral (my nada's husband) in 2006.

Aunt Fran I believe is also a BPD and my nada's sister. She constantly tells my

nada that she 'knows' I hate her and that nada should leave her $ to her and her

daughters (my cousins). She has betrayed me in the past when I was 16 and my

nada after being caught cheating by my father with my soon to be at that time

stepfather, sent my heartfelt letter expressing my feelings to my nada which she

brings up to this day when she is in the mood to do so. I of course tell her

that that was YEARS ago and that was then, but she won't let go of it of course.

So no I never bother with Aunt Fran and at my stepfather's funeral in 2006 all I

said was " hi " and " how are you " and " goodbye " refusing to sit anywhere near her

because she twists whatever you say to suit her just as nada does.

>

> Nada accuses me of lying to her all the time and the truth is I don't LIE to

her as much as not tell her anything because she not only twists things to suit

her of course, but I see no sense in telling nada anything I don't have to. Ours

is a very superficial relationship but of course nada doesn't see it that way. I

make it all about her, which seems to help a bit but not enough.

>

> I can't go n.c. at this point in our lives and I don't want to infuriate her

more but 99% of what she accuses me of are ludicrous and completely made up out

of nada's bizarre fantasy life twisting old circumstances and situations to suit

her. No one is as they really were or are to nada - my father who was a very

kind, loving, quiet, self-effacing man and wouldn't hurt a fly or drink became

and is to nada a drunken b* * * * * * who abused us both for years, don't you

remember she'll say. The poor man is dead since 1990 for one thing and he kicked

her out in 1966 so give it up already nada first of all. Second of all he was

none of the above and was one of the ONLY stabilities and showed me love - you

certainly didn't except when it suited you which was seldom.

>

> My stepfather who was an abusive, vicious, domineering, tyrannical, warped

pedophile who raped my cousin when she was five and raped my oldest cousin's

daughter when she was five, is now St. and 'the only person who ever

loved me'. He abused her; tried to sexually attack me when I was 19; ruled her

with worse than an iron fist and I couldn't stand him. Not to mention he was a

skin flint and made my nada live in 1900 fashion and dictated every single thing

in her life, but he had money and a powerful position at work so nada revered

him and put up with it. My father let her get away with murder and she forced

him to work as many hours as he could get getting double time and time and a

half so she could have everything she wanted.

>

> My Aunt Fran is 'my poor, pathetic sister who needs my help and love' when, in

fact, she is a shark compared to nada and nada is a guppy for her.

>

> No one is how they really are. I am, in nada's mind, either a mean, selfish,

greedy, evil liar who 'never thinks of anyone but myself' and a 'partygirl'

(which is ludicrous since I have never been drunk once in my life; have never

used a drug and I don't party AT all) or the next phone call or the next minute

depending on her mood I am 'such a good daughter and so smart you take after

me'. Any gift or talent I have, it is because of 'her'. She claims I am not my

father's or I'd be a 'horse face' and 'a stupid bitch' and that she had

artificial insemination with my godfather because she wanted 'a smart, artistic,

beautiful, smart child' so she wanted a baby with him even though he was married

to someone else and she was married to my father at the time. He is long since

dead (my godfather) so I have no way of knowing if I am his or not but certainly

not by 'artificial insemination' since I was born in 1950 and they couldn't do

that then.

>

> So how do I answer nada's accusations and her horrible, twisted view of the

past which never was? I know it shouldn't matter what she thinks of the past and

I don't care on one level but I hate the fact she is demeaning good people and

revering those who deserve to be written off by her.

>

> I've used every excuse to get off the phone from 'someone is at the door' - 'I

was just on my way out' - 'I am expecting company' (to which I hear - " the ONLY

friend you have is Betty down here and you are to only USE them until I die and

you move down here so don't give them anything " . Nada thinks I am going to get

rid of all my furniture and belongings and live in her house just the way it is

with all her furniture and belongings when she goes. No sense bringing that up

so I let her think I will do what she wants and then do what I want once she's

gone and the way she's going and this last fall of hers last week after getting

dizzy and hitting her head on the bathroom sink it won't be long. The neighbor

says she has a goose egg sized lump on her forehead; a deep gash on the bridge

of her nose; two black eyes which were swollen shut (she said she was blind for

an hour and laid there until she could get up); cut from her mouth down to her

chin and swollen cheeks. Of course she refuses medical help as she fears them

putting her in a nursing home.

>

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

I agree with Annie- as soon as she starts in, stay calm, tell her you didn't do

whatever it was and that you will not stand for being talked to that way,

goodbye, hang up. Don't get mad or explain yourself- it'll only make things

worse. They are looking for that reaction. A good thing to say is " I'm sorry you

feel that way " then say goodbye and hang up. This method will no doubt take a

lot of stress off you because it reduces the fighting. It helped me a lot when

my nada was alive. It's very hard not to take the bate though. Just remember

explaining yourself will never do any good- they already made up their mind and

will not see your side or listen to reason so there is no point in wasting your

breath and time.

>

> How do I answer nada on the phone when she accuses me outright of something I

didn't do? If I get angry after she has pushed my buttons and insulted/verbally

abused me for awhile to the point I can't take anymore, she gets even nastier

and more vicious and reiterates that she 'knows I did such and such' or 'said

such and such'. If she can't think of something else to make up that I

supposedly did or said, she just continues to rant about the current made up

situation or saying which never occurred.

>

> The other day she called and screamed at me asking me if I called Aunt Fran

because Aunt Fran called her and told her that I had phoned her making her 'so

upset' that I caused her blood pressure to go up so badly she has had a constant

nosebleed since she talked to me. Nada demanded to know what I said to Aunt

Fran to upset her so and whatever it was, Aunt Fran's condition, 'upset her so

it is making her even sicker'. First of all I told her I don't ever call Aunt

Fran and haven't spoken to her since my stepfather's funeral (my nada's

husband) in 2006. Aunt Fran I believe is also a BPD and my nada's sister. She

constantly tells my nada that she 'knows' I hate her and that nada should leave

her $ to her and her daughters (my cousins). She has betrayed me in the past

when I was 16 and my nada after being caught cheating by my father with my soon

to be at that time stepfather, sent my heartfelt letter expressing my feelings

to my nada which she brings up to this day when she is in the mood to do so. I

of course tell her that that was YEARS ago and that was then, but she won't let

go of it of course. So no I never bother with Aunt Fran and at my stepfather's

funeral in 2006 all I said was " hi " and " how are you " and " goodbye " refusing to

sit anywhere near her because she twists whatever you say to suit her just as

nada does.

>

> Nada accuses me of lying to her all the time and the truth is I don't LIE to

her as much as not tell her anything because she not only twists things to suit

her of course, but I see no sense in telling nada anything I don't have to.

Ours is a very superficial relationship but of course nada doesn't see it that

way. I make it all about her, which seems to help a bit but not enough.

>

> I can't go n.c. at this point in our lives and I don't want to infuriate her

more but 99% of what she accuses me of are ludicrous and completely made up out

of nada's bizarre fantasy life twisting old circumstances and situations to suit

her. No one is as they really were or are to nada - my father who was a very

kind, loving, quiet, self-effacing man and wouldn't hurt a fly or drink became

and is to nada a drunken b* * * * * * who abused us both for years, don't you

remember she'll say. The poor man is dead since 1990 for one thing and he

kicked her out in 1966 so give it up already nada first of all. Second of all

he was none of the above and was one of the ONLY stabilities and showed me love

- you certainly didn't except when it suited you which was seldom.

>

> My stepfather who was an abusive, vicious, domineering, tyrannical, warped

pedophile who raped my cousin when she was five and raped my oldest cousin's

daughter when she was five, is now St. and 'the only person who ever

loved me'. He abused her; tried to sexually attack me when I was 19; ruled her

with worse than an iron fist and I couldn't stand him. Not to mention he was a

skin flint and made my nada live in 1900 fashion and dictated every single thing

in her life, but he had money and a powerful position at work so nada revered

him and put up with it. My father let her get away with murder and she forced

him to work as many hours as he could get getting double time and time and a

half so she could have everything she wanted.

>

> My Aunt Fran is 'my poor, pathetic sister who needs my help and love' when, in

fact, she is a shark compared to nada and nada is a guppy for her.

>

> No one is how they really are. I am, in nada's mind, either a mean, selfish,

greedy, evil liar who 'never thinks of anyone but myself' and a 'partygirl'

(which is ludicrous since I have never been drunk once in my life; have never

used a drug and I don't party AT all) or the next phone call or the next minute

depending on her mood I am 'such a good daughter and so smart you take after

me'. Any gift or talent I have, it is because of 'her'. She claims I am not my

father's or I'd be a 'horse face' and 'a stupid bitch' and that she had

artificial insemination with my godfather because she wanted 'a smart, artistic,

beautiful, smart child' so she wanted a baby with him even though he was married

to someone else and she was married to my father at the time. He is long since

dead (my godfather) so I have no way of knowing if I am his or not but

certainly not by 'artificial insemination' since I was born in 1950 and they

couldn't do that then.

>

> So how do I answer nada's accusations and her horrible, twisted view of the

past which never was? I know it shouldn't matter what she thinks of the past

and I don't care on one level but I hate the fact she is demeaning good people

and revering those who deserve to be written off by her.

>

> I've used every excuse to get off the phone from 'someone is at the door' - 'I

was just on my way out' - 'I am expecting company' (to which I hear - " the ONLY

friend you have is Betty down here and you are to only USE them until I die and

you move down here so don't give them anything " . Nada thinks I am going to get

rid of all my furniture and belongings and live in her house just the way it is

with all her furniture and belongings when she goes. No sense bringing that up

so I let her think I will do what she wants and then do what I want once she's

gone and the way she's going and this last fall of hers last week after getting

dizzy and hitting her head on the bathroom sink it won't be long. The neighbor

says she has a goose egg sized lump on her forehead; a deep gash on the bridge

of her nose; two black eyes which were swollen shut (she said she was blind for

an hour and laid there until she could get up); cut from her mouth down to her

chin and swollen cheeks. Of course she refuses medical help as she fears them

putting her in a nursing home.

>

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

I agree with Annie- as soon as she starts in, stay calm, tell her you didn't do

whatever it was and that you will not stand for being talked to that way,

goodbye, hang up. Don't get mad or explain yourself- it'll only make things

worse. They are looking for that reaction. A good thing to say is " I'm sorry you

feel that way " then say goodbye and hang up. This method will no doubt take a

lot of stress off you because it reduces the fighting. It helped me a lot when

my nada was alive. It's very hard not to take the bate though. Just remember

explaining yourself will never do any good- they already made up their mind and

will not see your side or listen to reason so there is no point in wasting your

breath and time.

>

> How do I answer nada on the phone when she accuses me outright of something I

didn't do? If I get angry after she has pushed my buttons and insulted/verbally

abused me for awhile to the point I can't take anymore, she gets even nastier

and more vicious and reiterates that she 'knows I did such and such' or 'said

such and such'. If she can't think of something else to make up that I

supposedly did or said, she just continues to rant about the current made up

situation or saying which never occurred.

>

> The other day she called and screamed at me asking me if I called Aunt Fran

because Aunt Fran called her and told her that I had phoned her making her 'so

upset' that I caused her blood pressure to go up so badly she has had a constant

nosebleed since she talked to me. Nada demanded to know what I said to Aunt

Fran to upset her so and whatever it was, Aunt Fran's condition, 'upset her so

it is making her even sicker'. First of all I told her I don't ever call Aunt

Fran and haven't spoken to her since my stepfather's funeral (my nada's

husband) in 2006. Aunt Fran I believe is also a BPD and my nada's sister. She

constantly tells my nada that she 'knows' I hate her and that nada should leave

her $ to her and her daughters (my cousins). She has betrayed me in the past

when I was 16 and my nada after being caught cheating by my father with my soon

to be at that time stepfather, sent my heartfelt letter expressing my feelings

to my nada which she brings up to this day when she is in the mood to do so. I

of course tell her that that was YEARS ago and that was then, but she won't let

go of it of course. So no I never bother with Aunt Fran and at my stepfather's

funeral in 2006 all I said was " hi " and " how are you " and " goodbye " refusing to

sit anywhere near her because she twists whatever you say to suit her just as

nada does.

>

> Nada accuses me of lying to her all the time and the truth is I don't LIE to

her as much as not tell her anything because she not only twists things to suit

her of course, but I see no sense in telling nada anything I don't have to.

Ours is a very superficial relationship but of course nada doesn't see it that

way. I make it all about her, which seems to help a bit but not enough.

>

> I can't go n.c. at this point in our lives and I don't want to infuriate her

more but 99% of what she accuses me of are ludicrous and completely made up out

of nada's bizarre fantasy life twisting old circumstances and situations to suit

her. No one is as they really were or are to nada - my father who was a very

kind, loving, quiet, self-effacing man and wouldn't hurt a fly or drink became

and is to nada a drunken b* * * * * * who abused us both for years, don't you

remember she'll say. The poor man is dead since 1990 for one thing and he

kicked her out in 1966 so give it up already nada first of all. Second of all

he was none of the above and was one of the ONLY stabilities and showed me love

- you certainly didn't except when it suited you which was seldom.

>

> My stepfather who was an abusive, vicious, domineering, tyrannical, warped

pedophile who raped my cousin when she was five and raped my oldest cousin's

daughter when she was five, is now St. and 'the only person who ever

loved me'. He abused her; tried to sexually attack me when I was 19; ruled her

with worse than an iron fist and I couldn't stand him. Not to mention he was a

skin flint and made my nada live in 1900 fashion and dictated every single thing

in her life, but he had money and a powerful position at work so nada revered

him and put up with it. My father let her get away with murder and she forced

him to work as many hours as he could get getting double time and time and a

half so she could have everything she wanted.

>

> My Aunt Fran is 'my poor, pathetic sister who needs my help and love' when, in

fact, she is a shark compared to nada and nada is a guppy for her.

>

> No one is how they really are. I am, in nada's mind, either a mean, selfish,

greedy, evil liar who 'never thinks of anyone but myself' and a 'partygirl'

(which is ludicrous since I have never been drunk once in my life; have never

used a drug and I don't party AT all) or the next phone call or the next minute

depending on her mood I am 'such a good daughter and so smart you take after

me'. Any gift or talent I have, it is because of 'her'. She claims I am not my

father's or I'd be a 'horse face' and 'a stupid bitch' and that she had

artificial insemination with my godfather because she wanted 'a smart, artistic,

beautiful, smart child' so she wanted a baby with him even though he was married

to someone else and she was married to my father at the time. He is long since

dead (my godfather) so I have no way of knowing if I am his or not but

certainly not by 'artificial insemination' since I was born in 1950 and they

couldn't do that then.

>

> So how do I answer nada's accusations and her horrible, twisted view of the

past which never was? I know it shouldn't matter what she thinks of the past

and I don't care on one level but I hate the fact she is demeaning good people

and revering those who deserve to be written off by her.

>

> I've used every excuse to get off the phone from 'someone is at the door' - 'I

was just on my way out' - 'I am expecting company' (to which I hear - " the ONLY

friend you have is Betty down here and you are to only USE them until I die and

you move down here so don't give them anything " . Nada thinks I am going to get

rid of all my furniture and belongings and live in her house just the way it is

with all her furniture and belongings when she goes. No sense bringing that up

so I let her think I will do what she wants and then do what I want once she's

gone and the way she's going and this last fall of hers last week after getting

dizzy and hitting her head on the bathroom sink it won't be long. The neighbor

says she has a goose egg sized lump on her forehead; a deep gash on the bridge

of her nose; two black eyes which were swollen shut (she said she was blind for

an hour and laid there until she could get up); cut from her mouth down to her

chin and swollen cheeks. Of course she refuses medical help as she fears them

putting her in a nursing home.

>

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

I agree with Annie- as soon as she starts in, stay calm, tell her you didn't do

whatever it was and that you will not stand for being talked to that way,

goodbye, hang up. Don't get mad or explain yourself- it'll only make things

worse. They are looking for that reaction. A good thing to say is " I'm sorry you

feel that way " then say goodbye and hang up. This method will no doubt take a

lot of stress off you because it reduces the fighting. It helped me a lot when

my nada was alive. It's very hard not to take the bate though. Just remember

explaining yourself will never do any good- they already made up their mind and

will not see your side or listen to reason so there is no point in wasting your

breath and time.

>

> How do I answer nada on the phone when she accuses me outright of something I

didn't do? If I get angry after she has pushed my buttons and insulted/verbally

abused me for awhile to the point I can't take anymore, she gets even nastier

and more vicious and reiterates that she 'knows I did such and such' or 'said

such and such'. If she can't think of something else to make up that I

supposedly did or said, she just continues to rant about the current made up

situation or saying which never occurred.

>

> The other day she called and screamed at me asking me if I called Aunt Fran

because Aunt Fran called her and told her that I had phoned her making her 'so

upset' that I caused her blood pressure to go up so badly she has had a constant

nosebleed since she talked to me. Nada demanded to know what I said to Aunt

Fran to upset her so and whatever it was, Aunt Fran's condition, 'upset her so

it is making her even sicker'. First of all I told her I don't ever call Aunt

Fran and haven't spoken to her since my stepfather's funeral (my nada's

husband) in 2006. Aunt Fran I believe is also a BPD and my nada's sister. She

constantly tells my nada that she 'knows' I hate her and that nada should leave

her $ to her and her daughters (my cousins). She has betrayed me in the past

when I was 16 and my nada after being caught cheating by my father with my soon

to be at that time stepfather, sent my heartfelt letter expressing my feelings

to my nada which she brings up to this day when she is in the mood to do so. I

of course tell her that that was YEARS ago and that was then, but she won't let

go of it of course. So no I never bother with Aunt Fran and at my stepfather's

funeral in 2006 all I said was " hi " and " how are you " and " goodbye " refusing to

sit anywhere near her because she twists whatever you say to suit her just as

nada does.

>

> Nada accuses me of lying to her all the time and the truth is I don't LIE to

her as much as not tell her anything because she not only twists things to suit

her of course, but I see no sense in telling nada anything I don't have to.

Ours is a very superficial relationship but of course nada doesn't see it that

way. I make it all about her, which seems to help a bit but not enough.

>

> I can't go n.c. at this point in our lives and I don't want to infuriate her

more but 99% of what she accuses me of are ludicrous and completely made up out

of nada's bizarre fantasy life twisting old circumstances and situations to suit

her. No one is as they really were or are to nada - my father who was a very

kind, loving, quiet, self-effacing man and wouldn't hurt a fly or drink became

and is to nada a drunken b* * * * * * who abused us both for years, don't you

remember she'll say. The poor man is dead since 1990 for one thing and he

kicked her out in 1966 so give it up already nada first of all. Second of all

he was none of the above and was one of the ONLY stabilities and showed me love

- you certainly didn't except when it suited you which was seldom.

>

> My stepfather who was an abusive, vicious, domineering, tyrannical, warped

pedophile who raped my cousin when she was five and raped my oldest cousin's

daughter when she was five, is now St. and 'the only person who ever

loved me'. He abused her; tried to sexually attack me when I was 19; ruled her

with worse than an iron fist and I couldn't stand him. Not to mention he was a

skin flint and made my nada live in 1900 fashion and dictated every single thing

in her life, but he had money and a powerful position at work so nada revered

him and put up with it. My father let her get away with murder and she forced

him to work as many hours as he could get getting double time and time and a

half so she could have everything she wanted.

>

> My Aunt Fran is 'my poor, pathetic sister who needs my help and love' when, in

fact, she is a shark compared to nada and nada is a guppy for her.

>

> No one is how they really are. I am, in nada's mind, either a mean, selfish,

greedy, evil liar who 'never thinks of anyone but myself' and a 'partygirl'

(which is ludicrous since I have never been drunk once in my life; have never

used a drug and I don't party AT all) or the next phone call or the next minute

depending on her mood I am 'such a good daughter and so smart you take after

me'. Any gift or talent I have, it is because of 'her'. She claims I am not my

father's or I'd be a 'horse face' and 'a stupid bitch' and that she had

artificial insemination with my godfather because she wanted 'a smart, artistic,

beautiful, smart child' so she wanted a baby with him even though he was married

to someone else and she was married to my father at the time. He is long since

dead (my godfather) so I have no way of knowing if I am his or not but

certainly not by 'artificial insemination' since I was born in 1950 and they

couldn't do that then.

>

> So how do I answer nada's accusations and her horrible, twisted view of the

past which never was? I know it shouldn't matter what she thinks of the past

and I don't care on one level but I hate the fact she is demeaning good people

and revering those who deserve to be written off by her.

>

> I've used every excuse to get off the phone from 'someone is at the door' - 'I

was just on my way out' - 'I am expecting company' (to which I hear - " the ONLY

friend you have is Betty down here and you are to only USE them until I die and

you move down here so don't give them anything " . Nada thinks I am going to get

rid of all my furniture and belongings and live in her house just the way it is

with all her furniture and belongings when she goes. No sense bringing that up

so I let her think I will do what she wants and then do what I want once she's

gone and the way she's going and this last fall of hers last week after getting

dizzy and hitting her head on the bathroom sink it won't be long. The neighbor

says she has a goose egg sized lump on her forehead; a deep gash on the bridge

of her nose; two black eyes which were swollen shut (she said she was blind for

an hour and laid there until she could get up); cut from her mouth down to her

chin and swollen cheeks. Of course she refuses medical help as she fears them

putting her in a nursing home.

>

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

I agree: that's a good addition, mozz. Here's the script that you repeat each

time she *begins* to verbally abuse you (not 10 or 20 minutes into the verbal

abuse):

" Mom, I'm sorry you feel that way, but I'm not going to listen when you talk to

me like that. I'm hanging up now. Bye. "

No explaining, no arguing, no trying to reason with her. Its just being

assertive and stating a boundary in a polite way. Its taking your power back.

The benefit is that it will very likely result in fewer, shorter conversations.

She'll be pissed off, but then she's pissed off anyway, right? Its just that

you're choosing to not listen to it anymore.

-Annie

> >

> > How do I answer nada on the phone when she accuses me outright of something

I didn't do? If I get angry after she has pushed my buttons and

insulted/verbally abused me for awhile to the point I can't take anymore, she

gets even nastier and more vicious and reiterates that she 'knows I did such and

such' or 'said such and such'. If she can't think of something else to make up

that I supposedly did or said, she just continues to rant about the current made

up situation or saying which never occurred.

> >

> > The other day she called and screamed at me asking me if I called Aunt Fran

because Aunt Fran called her and told her that I had phoned her making her 'so

upset' that I caused her blood pressure to go up so badly she has had a constant

nosebleed since she talked to me. Nada demanded to know what I said to Aunt

Fran to upset her so and whatever it was, Aunt Fran's condition, 'upset her so

it is making her even sicker'. First of all I told her I don't ever call Aunt

Fran and haven't spoken to her since my stepfather's funeral (my nada's

husband) in 2006. Aunt Fran I believe is also a BPD and my nada's sister. She

constantly tells my nada that she 'knows' I hate her and that nada should leave

her $ to her and her daughters (my cousins). She has betrayed me in the past

when I was 16 and my nada after being caught cheating by my father with my soon

to be at that time stepfather, sent my heartfelt letter expressing my feelings

to my nada which she brings up to this day when she is in the mood to do so. I

of course tell her that that was YEARS ago and that was then, but she won't let

go of it of course. So no I never bother with Aunt Fran and at my stepfather's

funeral in 2006 all I said was " hi " and " how are you " and " goodbye " refusing to

sit anywhere near her because she twists whatever you say to suit her just as

nada does.

> >

> > Nada accuses me of lying to her all the time and the truth is I don't LIE to

her as much as not tell her anything because she not only twists things to suit

her of course, but I see no sense in telling nada anything I don't have to.

Ours is a very superficial relationship but of course nada doesn't see it that

way. I make it all about her, which seems to help a bit but not enough.

> >

> > I can't go n.c. at this point in our lives and I don't want to infuriate her

more but 99% of what she accuses me of are ludicrous and completely made up out

of nada's bizarre fantasy life twisting old circumstances and situations to suit

her. No one is as they really were or are to nada - my father who was a very

kind, loving, quiet, self-effacing man and wouldn't hurt a fly or drink became

and is to nada a drunken b* * * * * * who abused us both for years, don't you

remember she'll say. The poor man is dead since 1990 for one thing and he

kicked her out in 1966 so give it up already nada first of all. Second of all

he was none of the above and was one of the ONLY stabilities and showed me love

- you certainly didn't except when it suited you which was seldom.

> >

> > My stepfather who was an abusive, vicious, domineering, tyrannical, warped

pedophile who raped my cousin when she was five and raped my oldest cousin's

daughter when she was five, is now St. and 'the only person who ever

loved me'. He abused her; tried to sexually attack me when I was 19; ruled her

with worse than an iron fist and I couldn't stand him. Not to mention he was a

skin flint and made my nada live in 1900 fashion and dictated every single thing

in her life, but he had money and a powerful position at work so nada revered

him and put up with it. My father let her get away with murder and she forced

him to work as many hours as he could get getting double time and time and a

half so she could have everything she wanted.

> >

> > My Aunt Fran is 'my poor, pathetic sister who needs my help and love' when,

in fact, she is a shark compared to nada and nada is a guppy for her.

> >

> > No one is how they really are. I am, in nada's mind, either a mean,

selfish, greedy, evil liar who 'never thinks of anyone but myself' and a

'partygirl' (which is ludicrous since I have never been drunk once in my life;

have never used a drug and I don't party AT all) or the next phone call or the

next minute depending on her mood I am 'such a good daughter and so smart you

take after me'. Any gift or talent I have, it is because of 'her'. She claims

I am not my father's or I'd be a 'horse face' and 'a stupid bitch' and that she

had artificial insemination with my godfather because she wanted 'a smart,

artistic, beautiful, smart child' so she wanted a baby with him even though he

was married to someone else and she was married to my father at the time. He is

long since dead (my godfather) so I have no way of knowing if I am his or not

but certainly not by 'artificial insemination' since I was born in 1950 and they

couldn't do that then.

> >

> > So how do I answer nada's accusations and her horrible, twisted view of the

past which never was? I know it shouldn't matter what she thinks of the past

and I don't care on one level but I hate the fact she is demeaning good people

and revering those who deserve to be written off by her.

> >

> > I've used every excuse to get off the phone from 'someone is at the door' -

'I was just on my way out' - 'I am expecting company' (to which I hear - " the

ONLY friend you have is Betty down here and you are to only USE them until I die

and you move down here so don't give them anything " . Nada thinks I am going to

get rid of all my furniture and belongings and live in her house just the way it

is with all her furniture and belongings when she goes. No sense bringing that

up so I let her think I will do what she wants and then do what I want once

she's gone and the way she's going and this last fall of hers last week after

getting dizzy and hitting her head on the bathroom sink it won't be long. The

neighbor says she has a goose egg sized lump on her forehead; a deep gash on the

bridge of her nose; two black eyes which were swollen shut (she said she was

blind for an hour and laid there until she could get up); cut from her mouth

down to her chin and swollen cheeks. Of course she refuses medical help as she

fears them putting her in a nursing home.

> >

>

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

I agree: that's a good addition, mozz. Here's the script that you repeat each

time she *begins* to verbally abuse you (not 10 or 20 minutes into the verbal

abuse):

" Mom, I'm sorry you feel that way, but I'm not going to listen when you talk to

me like that. I'm hanging up now. Bye. "

No explaining, no arguing, no trying to reason with her. Its just being

assertive and stating a boundary in a polite way. Its taking your power back.

The benefit is that it will very likely result in fewer, shorter conversations.

She'll be pissed off, but then she's pissed off anyway, right? Its just that

you're choosing to not listen to it anymore.

-Annie

> >

> > How do I answer nada on the phone when she accuses me outright of something

I didn't do? If I get angry after she has pushed my buttons and

insulted/verbally abused me for awhile to the point I can't take anymore, she

gets even nastier and more vicious and reiterates that she 'knows I did such and

such' or 'said such and such'. If she can't think of something else to make up

that I supposedly did or said, she just continues to rant about the current made

up situation or saying which never occurred.

> >

> > The other day she called and screamed at me asking me if I called Aunt Fran

because Aunt Fran called her and told her that I had phoned her making her 'so

upset' that I caused her blood pressure to go up so badly she has had a constant

nosebleed since she talked to me. Nada demanded to know what I said to Aunt

Fran to upset her so and whatever it was, Aunt Fran's condition, 'upset her so

it is making her even sicker'. First of all I told her I don't ever call Aunt

Fran and haven't spoken to her since my stepfather's funeral (my nada's

husband) in 2006. Aunt Fran I believe is also a BPD and my nada's sister. She

constantly tells my nada that she 'knows' I hate her and that nada should leave

her $ to her and her daughters (my cousins). She has betrayed me in the past

when I was 16 and my nada after being caught cheating by my father with my soon

to be at that time stepfather, sent my heartfelt letter expressing my feelings

to my nada which she brings up to this day when she is in the mood to do so. I

of course tell her that that was YEARS ago and that was then, but she won't let

go of it of course. So no I never bother with Aunt Fran and at my stepfather's

funeral in 2006 all I said was " hi " and " how are you " and " goodbye " refusing to

sit anywhere near her because she twists whatever you say to suit her just as

nada does.

> >

> > Nada accuses me of lying to her all the time and the truth is I don't LIE to

her as much as not tell her anything because she not only twists things to suit

her of course, but I see no sense in telling nada anything I don't have to.

Ours is a very superficial relationship but of course nada doesn't see it that

way. I make it all about her, which seems to help a bit but not enough.

> >

> > I can't go n.c. at this point in our lives and I don't want to infuriate her

more but 99% of what she accuses me of are ludicrous and completely made up out

of nada's bizarre fantasy life twisting old circumstances and situations to suit

her. No one is as they really were or are to nada - my father who was a very

kind, loving, quiet, self-effacing man and wouldn't hurt a fly or drink became

and is to nada a drunken b* * * * * * who abused us both for years, don't you

remember she'll say. The poor man is dead since 1990 for one thing and he

kicked her out in 1966 so give it up already nada first of all. Second of all

he was none of the above and was one of the ONLY stabilities and showed me love

- you certainly didn't except when it suited you which was seldom.

> >

> > My stepfather who was an abusive, vicious, domineering, tyrannical, warped

pedophile who raped my cousin when she was five and raped my oldest cousin's

daughter when she was five, is now St. and 'the only person who ever

loved me'. He abused her; tried to sexually attack me when I was 19; ruled her

with worse than an iron fist and I couldn't stand him. Not to mention he was a

skin flint and made my nada live in 1900 fashion and dictated every single thing

in her life, but he had money and a powerful position at work so nada revered

him and put up with it. My father let her get away with murder and she forced

him to work as many hours as he could get getting double time and time and a

half so she could have everything she wanted.

> >

> > My Aunt Fran is 'my poor, pathetic sister who needs my help and love' when,

in fact, she is a shark compared to nada and nada is a guppy for her.

> >

> > No one is how they really are. I am, in nada's mind, either a mean,

selfish, greedy, evil liar who 'never thinks of anyone but myself' and a

'partygirl' (which is ludicrous since I have never been drunk once in my life;

have never used a drug and I don't party AT all) or the next phone call or the

next minute depending on her mood I am 'such a good daughter and so smart you

take after me'. Any gift or talent I have, it is because of 'her'. She claims

I am not my father's or I'd be a 'horse face' and 'a stupid bitch' and that she

had artificial insemination with my godfather because she wanted 'a smart,

artistic, beautiful, smart child' so she wanted a baby with him even though he

was married to someone else and she was married to my father at the time. He is

long since dead (my godfather) so I have no way of knowing if I am his or not

but certainly not by 'artificial insemination' since I was born in 1950 and they

couldn't do that then.

> >

> > So how do I answer nada's accusations and her horrible, twisted view of the

past which never was? I know it shouldn't matter what she thinks of the past

and I don't care on one level but I hate the fact she is demeaning good people

and revering those who deserve to be written off by her.

> >

> > I've used every excuse to get off the phone from 'someone is at the door' -

'I was just on my way out' - 'I am expecting company' (to which I hear - " the

ONLY friend you have is Betty down here and you are to only USE them until I die

and you move down here so don't give them anything " . Nada thinks I am going to

get rid of all my furniture and belongings and live in her house just the way it

is with all her furniture and belongings when she goes. No sense bringing that

up so I let her think I will do what she wants and then do what I want once

she's gone and the way she's going and this last fall of hers last week after

getting dizzy and hitting her head on the bathroom sink it won't be long. The

neighbor says she has a goose egg sized lump on her forehead; a deep gash on the

bridge of her nose; two black eyes which were swollen shut (she said she was

blind for an hour and laid there until she could get up); cut from her mouth

down to her chin and swollen cheeks. Of course she refuses medical help as she

fears them putting her in a nursing home.

> >

>

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

I agree: that's a good addition, mozz. Here's the script that you repeat each

time she *begins* to verbally abuse you (not 10 or 20 minutes into the verbal

abuse):

" Mom, I'm sorry you feel that way, but I'm not going to listen when you talk to

me like that. I'm hanging up now. Bye. "

No explaining, no arguing, no trying to reason with her. Its just being

assertive and stating a boundary in a polite way. Its taking your power back.

The benefit is that it will very likely result in fewer, shorter conversations.

She'll be pissed off, but then she's pissed off anyway, right? Its just that

you're choosing to not listen to it anymore.

-Annie

> >

> > How do I answer nada on the phone when she accuses me outright of something

I didn't do? If I get angry after she has pushed my buttons and

insulted/verbally abused me for awhile to the point I can't take anymore, she

gets even nastier and more vicious and reiterates that she 'knows I did such and

such' or 'said such and such'. If she can't think of something else to make up

that I supposedly did or said, she just continues to rant about the current made

up situation or saying which never occurred.

> >

> > The other day she called and screamed at me asking me if I called Aunt Fran

because Aunt Fran called her and told her that I had phoned her making her 'so

upset' that I caused her blood pressure to go up so badly she has had a constant

nosebleed since she talked to me. Nada demanded to know what I said to Aunt

Fran to upset her so and whatever it was, Aunt Fran's condition, 'upset her so

it is making her even sicker'. First of all I told her I don't ever call Aunt

Fran and haven't spoken to her since my stepfather's funeral (my nada's

husband) in 2006. Aunt Fran I believe is also a BPD and my nada's sister. She

constantly tells my nada that she 'knows' I hate her and that nada should leave

her $ to her and her daughters (my cousins). She has betrayed me in the past

when I was 16 and my nada after being caught cheating by my father with my soon

to be at that time stepfather, sent my heartfelt letter expressing my feelings

to my nada which she brings up to this day when she is in the mood to do so. I

of course tell her that that was YEARS ago and that was then, but she won't let

go of it of course. So no I never bother with Aunt Fran and at my stepfather's

funeral in 2006 all I said was " hi " and " how are you " and " goodbye " refusing to

sit anywhere near her because she twists whatever you say to suit her just as

nada does.

> >

> > Nada accuses me of lying to her all the time and the truth is I don't LIE to

her as much as not tell her anything because she not only twists things to suit

her of course, but I see no sense in telling nada anything I don't have to.

Ours is a very superficial relationship but of course nada doesn't see it that

way. I make it all about her, which seems to help a bit but not enough.

> >

> > I can't go n.c. at this point in our lives and I don't want to infuriate her

more but 99% of what she accuses me of are ludicrous and completely made up out

of nada's bizarre fantasy life twisting old circumstances and situations to suit

her. No one is as they really were or are to nada - my father who was a very

kind, loving, quiet, self-effacing man and wouldn't hurt a fly or drink became

and is to nada a drunken b* * * * * * who abused us both for years, don't you

remember she'll say. The poor man is dead since 1990 for one thing and he

kicked her out in 1966 so give it up already nada first of all. Second of all

he was none of the above and was one of the ONLY stabilities and showed me love

- you certainly didn't except when it suited you which was seldom.

> >

> > My stepfather who was an abusive, vicious, domineering, tyrannical, warped

pedophile who raped my cousin when she was five and raped my oldest cousin's

daughter when she was five, is now St. and 'the only person who ever

loved me'. He abused her; tried to sexually attack me when I was 19; ruled her

with worse than an iron fist and I couldn't stand him. Not to mention he was a

skin flint and made my nada live in 1900 fashion and dictated every single thing

in her life, but he had money and a powerful position at work so nada revered

him and put up with it. My father let her get away with murder and she forced

him to work as many hours as he could get getting double time and time and a

half so she could have everything she wanted.

> >

> > My Aunt Fran is 'my poor, pathetic sister who needs my help and love' when,

in fact, she is a shark compared to nada and nada is a guppy for her.

> >

> > No one is how they really are. I am, in nada's mind, either a mean,

selfish, greedy, evil liar who 'never thinks of anyone but myself' and a

'partygirl' (which is ludicrous since I have never been drunk once in my life;

have never used a drug and I don't party AT all) or the next phone call or the

next minute depending on her mood I am 'such a good daughter and so smart you

take after me'. Any gift or talent I have, it is because of 'her'. She claims

I am not my father's or I'd be a 'horse face' and 'a stupid bitch' and that she

had artificial insemination with my godfather because she wanted 'a smart,

artistic, beautiful, smart child' so she wanted a baby with him even though he

was married to someone else and she was married to my father at the time. He is

long since dead (my godfather) so I have no way of knowing if I am his or not

but certainly not by 'artificial insemination' since I was born in 1950 and they

couldn't do that then.

> >

> > So how do I answer nada's accusations and her horrible, twisted view of the

past which never was? I know it shouldn't matter what she thinks of the past

and I don't care on one level but I hate the fact she is demeaning good people

and revering those who deserve to be written off by her.

> >

> > I've used every excuse to get off the phone from 'someone is at the door' -

'I was just on my way out' - 'I am expecting company' (to which I hear - " the

ONLY friend you have is Betty down here and you are to only USE them until I die

and you move down here so don't give them anything " . Nada thinks I am going to

get rid of all my furniture and belongings and live in her house just the way it

is with all her furniture and belongings when she goes. No sense bringing that

up so I let her think I will do what she wants and then do what I want once

she's gone and the way she's going and this last fall of hers last week after

getting dizzy and hitting her head on the bathroom sink it won't be long. The

neighbor says she has a goose egg sized lump on her forehead; a deep gash on the

bridge of her nose; two black eyes which were swollen shut (she said she was

blind for an hour and laid there until she could get up); cut from her mouth

down to her chin and swollen cheeks. Of course she refuses medical help as she

fears them putting her in a nursing home.

> >

>

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

Oh, I m f..in pissed as hell reading what you wrote. So, now I m going

to put on my big brother hat and act like what I am, a 55 year old KO

who lived a life of it and finally took some control of my life.

The theme chant of KO s should be, We don t, we dont, we dont mess

around!

Ok, tough and straight from the gut.

Your nada is abusing you verbally and emotionally. If she were any

other human in the world but your mom, you would say drop dead, you

hateful bitch, and don t ever , every f ing call me again.

Agreed?

But she is your mom, such as she is, and you are not ready to go NC.

So, you stop acting like an abused woman and pull up your big girl

panties and act like an adult.

Here is how it goes. You set bounderies, and you by God enforce them. I

mean enforce them every time. Or, like potty training a puppy, if you

don t , you get to clean up a lot of shit. And that is where you are

now, right?

So, " Mom, I do not appreciate it when you yell and scream at me on the

phone. And I will no longer tolerate it. Starting today, anytime you

yell at me, I will hang up the phone and then will not take your calls

for a couple of days. And I will do this every time you do it. If you

get mad and yell at me about it, then our conversations are going to

become very short, and very sparse.

I am not going to argue with you about things you accuse me of which I

know are not true. I can t change what you choose to believe, but I can

and will refuse to listen to it. If you start in with that, I will hang

up and refuse to take your calls for a while.

You are my mother, and I want to talk to you and have a relationship.

But I am an adult woman, and I am not going to tolerate the way you

choose to treat me any more. If you choose to stay within my

bounderies, we can have a nice chat about things. But the things you

have done in the past are no longer ok, and I will not pretend they are

ok . I will not tolerate it.

Your nada will not like this. She will test you and push against your

bounderies. Don t give in. You are not being unreasonable. You are

expecting simple respect.

Let her rail and scream about it. But not to you. Let her tell whoever

will listen what a bitch you are. The ones who matter have figured out

what she is and will tune it out. The ones who don t are flying monkeys,

so screw them.

Got it? Backbone. Big girl panties. Act like a woman and expect to be

treated with respect. Don t tolerate less.

Still fuming at the bitch,

Doug

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

Oh, I m f..in pissed as hell reading what you wrote. So, now I m going

to put on my big brother hat and act like what I am, a 55 year old KO

who lived a life of it and finally took some control of my life.

The theme chant of KO s should be, We don t, we dont, we dont mess

around!

Ok, tough and straight from the gut.

Your nada is abusing you verbally and emotionally. If she were any

other human in the world but your mom, you would say drop dead, you

hateful bitch, and don t ever , every f ing call me again.

Agreed?

But she is your mom, such as she is, and you are not ready to go NC.

So, you stop acting like an abused woman and pull up your big girl

panties and act like an adult.

Here is how it goes. You set bounderies, and you by God enforce them. I

mean enforce them every time. Or, like potty training a puppy, if you

don t , you get to clean up a lot of shit. And that is where you are

now, right?

So, " Mom, I do not appreciate it when you yell and scream at me on the

phone. And I will no longer tolerate it. Starting today, anytime you

yell at me, I will hang up the phone and then will not take your calls

for a couple of days. And I will do this every time you do it. If you

get mad and yell at me about it, then our conversations are going to

become very short, and very sparse.

I am not going to argue with you about things you accuse me of which I

know are not true. I can t change what you choose to believe, but I can

and will refuse to listen to it. If you start in with that, I will hang

up and refuse to take your calls for a while.

You are my mother, and I want to talk to you and have a relationship.

But I am an adult woman, and I am not going to tolerate the way you

choose to treat me any more. If you choose to stay within my

bounderies, we can have a nice chat about things. But the things you

have done in the past are no longer ok, and I will not pretend they are

ok . I will not tolerate it.

Your nada will not like this. She will test you and push against your

bounderies. Don t give in. You are not being unreasonable. You are

expecting simple respect.

Let her rail and scream about it. But not to you. Let her tell whoever

will listen what a bitch you are. The ones who matter have figured out

what she is and will tune it out. The ones who don t are flying monkeys,

so screw them.

Got it? Backbone. Big girl panties. Act like a woman and expect to be

treated with respect. Don t tolerate less.

Still fuming at the bitch,

Doug

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

They don t get it. And they won t get it. And you cannot, cannot ,

cannot be subtle. They do NOT take hints. If you want it to work, you

must always be the adult. It cant be mamby pamby. MOM, I m not going

to continue talking to you when you are doing XYZ and spell out the

unacceptable behaviour. Then hang up. As many times as it takes.

Doug

>

> I kind of tried conditioning my mother like a child by telling her I

had to go the second she started complaining, but it never seemed to

work,. I've tried it with my sister too and it's kind of like they

never really get it.

>

>

>

>

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

They don t get it. And they won t get it. And you cannot, cannot ,

cannot be subtle. They do NOT take hints. If you want it to work, you

must always be the adult. It cant be mamby pamby. MOM, I m not going

to continue talking to you when you are doing XYZ and spell out the

unacceptable behaviour. Then hang up. As many times as it takes.

Doug

>

> I kind of tried conditioning my mother like a child by telling her I

had to go the second she started complaining, but it never seemed to

work,. I've tried it with my sister too and it's kind of like they

never really get it.

>

>

>

>

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

They don t get it. And they won t get it. And you cannot, cannot ,

cannot be subtle. They do NOT take hints. If you want it to work, you

must always be the adult. It cant be mamby pamby. MOM, I m not going

to continue talking to you when you are doing XYZ and spell out the

unacceptable behaviour. Then hang up. As many times as it takes.

Doug

>

> I kind of tried conditioning my mother like a child by telling her I

had to go the second she started complaining, but it never seemed to

work,. I've tried it with my sister too and it's kind of like they

never really get it.

>

>

>

>

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

Hi Romantic Libra,

It's interesting you bring this up because I just had my first try at it

yesterday. My heart was beating so hard and I could hardly breathe. It really

was just like being a kid " in trouble " again. At this point in my recovery, all

I could do is hold the phone where I couldn't hear her. Then I just repeated

myself and then said I had to go and hung up. May not be a healthy way to do

this, but it was a good start for me at this point.

I am trying to run a business, take classes, and care for young children. It is

irrelevant to a person with BP how " legitimate " your excuse is or how reasonable

your explanations to help them feel better.

So... I was able to be pretty polite and kind. She started with the " What did I

ever do to cause you to not spend ANY time with me anymore... " (I had her over

last week and went to her house plus was planning a birthday trip to Chuck E.

Cheese this week!)

I just said, " Mom, I'm not going to have this conversation again. We talk about

this every few days. Nothing is wrong; if there is something wrong, I will tell

you. " When she kept at it, I said, " Not everything is about you or something

you did. Let me know what day will work for you to go to Chuck E. Sneeze

(that's what I call it). "

She gave up, said bye, and called my sister to vent. :-)

It took me an hour and help from my husband to stop shaking and calm down! But

I didn't blame myself this time for how " weak " I am. I realized that anyone who

was treated so abusively as an infant and child would have a natural fear

response and anxiety to the person who hurt them. A dog who was beaten will

cower or attack that previous owner. Birds who were mistreated can recognize

the former owner and fly at them to attack or away to escape up to 10 years

later.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

Hi Romantic Libra,

It's interesting you bring this up because I just had my first try at it

yesterday. My heart was beating so hard and I could hardly breathe. It really

was just like being a kid " in trouble " again. At this point in my recovery, all

I could do is hold the phone where I couldn't hear her. Then I just repeated

myself and then said I had to go and hung up. May not be a healthy way to do

this, but it was a good start for me at this point.

I am trying to run a business, take classes, and care for young children. It is

irrelevant to a person with BP how " legitimate " your excuse is or how reasonable

your explanations to help them feel better.

So... I was able to be pretty polite and kind. She started with the " What did I

ever do to cause you to not spend ANY time with me anymore... " (I had her over

last week and went to her house plus was planning a birthday trip to Chuck E.

Cheese this week!)

I just said, " Mom, I'm not going to have this conversation again. We talk about

this every few days. Nothing is wrong; if there is something wrong, I will tell

you. " When she kept at it, I said, " Not everything is about you or something

you did. Let me know what day will work for you to go to Chuck E. Sneeze

(that's what I call it). "

She gave up, said bye, and called my sister to vent. :-)

It took me an hour and help from my husband to stop shaking and calm down! But

I didn't blame myself this time for how " weak " I am. I realized that anyone who

was treated so abusively as an infant and child would have a natural fear

response and anxiety to the person who hurt them. A dog who was beaten will

cower or attack that previous owner. Birds who were mistreated can recognize

the former owner and fly at them to attack or away to escape up to 10 years

later.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
×
 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...