Re: How Do You Answer Nada When She Accuses You Outright of Something You Didn't Do

[Guest guest]

Wow! Thank you for posting this. This is absolutely what happens with me.

Everytime I would visit my mom it was never long enough. When it was time for

me to leave she would always come up with something in order to get me to stay

longer than I had anticipated and it always works.

It has been one week since I have seen my mom. I am scared to death. I know

what is going to happen when I go see her next. She has called me three times

leaving the following messages " guess you're too busy to talk to me " , " why

aren't you picking up the phone " , " I'm about to give up " . That is it. If she

would say, " I need to ask you something, will you please call me back " , then I

would call her back. I wouldn't want to...but I would try because part of me

still wants a relationship with her.

I'm looking forward to more posts. This is so helping me!

>

> Hi Romantic Libra,

>

> It's interesting you bring this up because I just had my first try at it

yesterday. My heart was beating so hard and I could hardly breathe. It really

was just like being a kid " in trouble " again. At this point in my recovery, all

I could do is hold the phone where I couldn't hear her. Then I just repeated

myself and then said I had to go and hung up. May not be a healthy way to do

this, but it was a good start for me at this point.

>

> I am trying to run a business, take classes, and care for young children. It

is irrelevant to a person with BP how " legitimate " your excuse is or how

reasonable your explanations to help them feel better.

>

> So... I was able to be pretty polite and kind. She started with the " What did

I ever do to cause you to not spend ANY time with me anymore... " (I had her

over last week and went to her house plus was planning a birthday trip to Chuck

E. Cheese this week!)

>

> I just said, " Mom, I'm not going to have this conversation again. We talk

about this every few days. Nothing is wrong; if there is something wrong, I

will tell you. " When she kept at it, I said, " Not everything is about you or

something you did. Let me know what day will work for you to go to Chuck E.

Sneeze (that's what I call it). "

>

> She gave up, said bye, and called my sister to vent. :-)

>

> It took me an hour and help from my husband to stop shaking and calm down!

But I didn't blame myself this time for how " weak " I am. I realized that anyone

who was treated so abusively as an infant and child would have a natural fear

response and anxiety to the person who hurt them. A dog who was beaten will

cower or attack that previous owner. Birds who were mistreated can recognize

the former owner and fly at them to attack or away to escape up to 10 years

later.

>

[Guest guest]

Wow! Thank you for posting this. This is absolutely what happens with me.

Everytime I would visit my mom it was never long enough. When it was time for

me to leave she would always come up with something in order to get me to stay

longer than I had anticipated and it always works.

It has been one week since I have seen my mom. I am scared to death. I know

what is going to happen when I go see her next. She has called me three times

leaving the following messages " guess you're too busy to talk to me " , " why

aren't you picking up the phone " , " I'm about to give up " . That is it. If she

would say, " I need to ask you something, will you please call me back " , then I

would call her back. I wouldn't want to...but I would try because part of me

still wants a relationship with her.

I'm looking forward to more posts. This is so helping me!

>

> Hi Romantic Libra,

>

> It's interesting you bring this up because I just had my first try at it

yesterday. My heart was beating so hard and I could hardly breathe. It really

was just like being a kid " in trouble " again. At this point in my recovery, all

I could do is hold the phone where I couldn't hear her. Then I just repeated

myself and then said I had to go and hung up. May not be a healthy way to do

this, but it was a good start for me at this point.

>

> I am trying to run a business, take classes, and care for young children. It

is irrelevant to a person with BP how " legitimate " your excuse is or how

reasonable your explanations to help them feel better.

>

> So... I was able to be pretty polite and kind. She started with the " What did

I ever do to cause you to not spend ANY time with me anymore... " (I had her

over last week and went to her house plus was planning a birthday trip to Chuck

E. Cheese this week!)

>

> I just said, " Mom, I'm not going to have this conversation again. We talk

about this every few days. Nothing is wrong; if there is something wrong, I

will tell you. " When she kept at it, I said, " Not everything is about you or

something you did. Let me know what day will work for you to go to Chuck E.

Sneeze (that's what I call it). "

>

> She gave up, said bye, and called my sister to vent. :-)

>

> It took me an hour and help from my husband to stop shaking and calm down!

But I didn't blame myself this time for how " weak " I am. I realized that anyone

who was treated so abusively as an infant and child would have a natural fear

response and anxiety to the person who hurt them. A dog who was beaten will

cower or attack that previous owner. Birds who were mistreated can recognize

the former owner and fly at them to attack or away to escape up to 10 years

later.

>

[Guest guest]

Great advice, Doug. You are a great big bro!

Sometimes I wish my nada would come out with a direct confrontation. Instead she

does passive-aggressive all over the place.

And she is playing the queen right now, so she won't call here (the peasant)

unless she forgets herself.

[Guest guest]

Great advice, Doug. You are a great big bro!

Sometimes I wish my nada would come out with a direct confrontation. Instead she

does passive-aggressive all over the place.

And she is playing the queen right now, so she won't call here (the peasant)

unless she forgets herself.

[Guest guest]

This won't work in some situations, and it happened by accident, but here was

what I did once and the result was very interesting (your mileage may vary):

A day or so after my marriage (about 20 years ago), my husband's aunt and uncle

took us out to eat. We were gone for three hours. When I got back, nada raked me

over the coals and raged on about how selfish and inconsiderate I was for

leaving her " alone " for so many hours. (My father was with her and hey lady, mix

in a book or magazine, eh?)

It had been a stressful couple of days and though I hadn't meant to hurt anyone,

let alone her (I was totally in FOG), I just hung my head and said yes, I was

wrong, I did something very selfish and inconsiderate and I am so sorry.

She paused for a monent, and began to reflect. Then she said that actually, it

wasn't my fault or doing, no indeed it was not my fault but in fact, she said,

it was the aunt and uncle's fault and she went on from there, completely

exonerating me. It was very weird but I was so glad to be off the hook.

Unfortunately, I had no idea about BPD or NPD (nada was both) and didn't realize

what a great tool I stumbled upon.

Years later I've used that same " Oh I did do that, I'm sorry, gosh I'm so far

from perfect, do forgive me " in a cheerful manner as I either change the subject

or excuse myself. Another tactic is to not respond directly to what appears to

be one of her " reel me in " attempts with a broad shocking/accusatory statement

or I just listen with an " hmmm " look on my face. (The statement from the BPD was

" I was abused as a child, physically and sexually " and I said something, " We

need more God in this world, yes indeed. " )I've done it recently and the BPD/NPD

lost interest in me.

Sometimes we get confronted even after saying these things and as another person

said, you need to set a boundary and say something like " I'm not talking about

this right now, " or " That's a difficult subject that I will bring up when I am

ready " or something such as that. I used all those successfully with that above

mentioned BPD that just came (via an interest group) into my life and after she

spent a few hours with me, she now keeps her distance even though I make a point

of always greeting her cheerfully.

One of the most important things about any interaction is keeping an honestly

cheerful or, at the very least, calm demeanor. It's like a vet once told me: if

you have two male cats that have been fighting, the one that's calm is the one

that is the winner. The one that is constantly confronting the " calm " one is the

loser. Next time nada is angry or vicious or anything bad aimed at you, think

" loser. " It really gives you a better picture of what is really going on. You

" won " the day you were born not being BPD - or NPD - and cluster B's

(subconsciously?) know it.

Flowers (pansies and violas doing great this time of year)

-----Original Message-----

>

she just continues to rant about the current made up situation or saying which

never occurred.

[Guest guest]

This won't work in some situations, and it happened by accident, but here was

what I did once and the result was very interesting (your mileage may vary):

A day or so after my marriage (about 20 years ago), my husband's aunt and uncle

took us out to eat. We were gone for three hours. When I got back, nada raked me

over the coals and raged on about how selfish and inconsiderate I was for

leaving her " alone " for so many hours. (My father was with her and hey lady, mix

in a book or magazine, eh?)

It had been a stressful couple of days and though I hadn't meant to hurt anyone,

let alone her (I was totally in FOG), I just hung my head and said yes, I was

wrong, I did something very selfish and inconsiderate and I am so sorry.

She paused for a monent, and began to reflect. Then she said that actually, it

wasn't my fault or doing, no indeed it was not my fault but in fact, she said,

it was the aunt and uncle's fault and she went on from there, completely

exonerating me. It was very weird but I was so glad to be off the hook.

Unfortunately, I had no idea about BPD or NPD (nada was both) and didn't realize

what a great tool I stumbled upon.

Years later I've used that same " Oh I did do that, I'm sorry, gosh I'm so far

from perfect, do forgive me " in a cheerful manner as I either change the subject

or excuse myself. Another tactic is to not respond directly to what appears to

be one of her " reel me in " attempts with a broad shocking/accusatory statement

or I just listen with an " hmmm " look on my face. (The statement from the BPD was

" I was abused as a child, physically and sexually " and I said something, " We

need more God in this world, yes indeed. " )I've done it recently and the BPD/NPD

lost interest in me.

Sometimes we get confronted even after saying these things and as another person

said, you need to set a boundary and say something like " I'm not talking about

this right now, " or " That's a difficult subject that I will bring up when I am

ready " or something such as that. I used all those successfully with that above

mentioned BPD that just came (via an interest group) into my life and after she

spent a few hours with me, she now keeps her distance even though I make a point

of always greeting her cheerfully.

One of the most important things about any interaction is keeping an honestly

cheerful or, at the very least, calm demeanor. It's like a vet once told me: if

you have two male cats that have been fighting, the one that's calm is the one

that is the winner. The one that is constantly confronting the " calm " one is the

loser. Next time nada is angry or vicious or anything bad aimed at you, think

" loser. " It really gives you a better picture of what is really going on. You

" won " the day you were born not being BPD - or NPD - and cluster B's

(subconsciously?) know it.

Flowers (pansies and violas doing great this time of year)

-----Original Message-----

>

she just continues to rant about the current made up situation or saying which

never occurred.

[Guest guest]

This won't work in some situations, and it happened by accident, but here was

what I did once and the result was very interesting (your mileage may vary):

A day or so after my marriage (about 20 years ago), my husband's aunt and uncle

took us out to eat. We were gone for three hours. When I got back, nada raked me

over the coals and raged on about how selfish and inconsiderate I was for

leaving her " alone " for so many hours. (My father was with her and hey lady, mix

in a book or magazine, eh?)

It had been a stressful couple of days and though I hadn't meant to hurt anyone,

let alone her (I was totally in FOG), I just hung my head and said yes, I was

wrong, I did something very selfish and inconsiderate and I am so sorry.

She paused for a monent, and began to reflect. Then she said that actually, it

wasn't my fault or doing, no indeed it was not my fault but in fact, she said,

it was the aunt and uncle's fault and she went on from there, completely

exonerating me. It was very weird but I was so glad to be off the hook.

Unfortunately, I had no idea about BPD or NPD (nada was both) and didn't realize

what a great tool I stumbled upon.

Years later I've used that same " Oh I did do that, I'm sorry, gosh I'm so far

from perfect, do forgive me " in a cheerful manner as I either change the subject

or excuse myself. Another tactic is to not respond directly to what appears to

be one of her " reel me in " attempts with a broad shocking/accusatory statement

or I just listen with an " hmmm " look on my face. (The statement from the BPD was

" I was abused as a child, physically and sexually " and I said something, " We

need more God in this world, yes indeed. " )I've done it recently and the BPD/NPD

lost interest in me.

Sometimes we get confronted even after saying these things and as another person

said, you need to set a boundary and say something like " I'm not talking about

this right now, " or " That's a difficult subject that I will bring up when I am

ready " or something such as that. I used all those successfully with that above

mentioned BPD that just came (via an interest group) into my life and after she

spent a few hours with me, she now keeps her distance even though I make a point

of always greeting her cheerfully.

One of the most important things about any interaction is keeping an honestly

cheerful or, at the very least, calm demeanor. It's like a vet once told me: if

you have two male cats that have been fighting, the one that's calm is the one

that is the winner. The one that is constantly confronting the " calm " one is the

loser. Next time nada is angry or vicious or anything bad aimed at you, think

" loser. " It really gives you a better picture of what is really going on. You

" won " the day you were born not being BPD - or NPD - and cluster B's

(subconsciously?) know it.

Flowers (pansies and violas doing great this time of year)

-----Original Message-----

>

she just continues to rant about the current made up situation or saying which

never occurred.

[Guest guest]

PBF, I call this method 'selective agreement' I learned this strategy while

working for a bank and dealing with angry customers.

Your example:

(The statement from the BPD was)

" I was abused as a child, physically and sexually " and I said something, " We

need more God in this world, yes indeed. " )I've done it recently and the BPD/NPD

lost interest in me.

How clever of you, bravo! I use this also, another example would be BPD: You

never listen to me!!

KO: I agree totally that listening carefully is very important.

This is a great way to NOT go along iwth exactly what the BPD is saying, but to

deflect, or diffuse their anger by agreeing (albeit selectively) with some piece

of their statement. It confuses them slightly I think, gives the KO the upper

hand which is oh so hard to do in Oz.

An awesome tool really.

Another example:

BPD: You're a liar!

KO: I think honesty is necessary too, always.

[Guest guest]

On Thu, Nov 25, 2010 at 11:01 PM, Hellfireblonde <hellfireblonde99@...

> wrote:

>

>

> BPD: You never listen to me!!

> KO: I agree totally that listening carefully is very important.

>

>

>

Now, I think the above is brilliant! I have someone in my life who says that

to me ALL THE TIME (he's not BPD but he's got other problems) and I'm going

to use this response. LOVE IT!

>

>