Guest guest Posted November 25, 2010 Report Share Posted November 25, 2010 Is it possible to have an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder that I can't stop thinking about my BP mother? She created a traumatic life for everyone in our family and now demands to be a part of my new family, my children and my husband. I have NC, sometimes LC with her, as she is just too volcanic for safety. However, I am engulfed in guilt. I remember the 5% good part of her parenting, the only parenting I ever got, and I see her so miserable (even if it is by her own doing). It is hard to be a good person and love my family and have NC with my mother, even though she has brought us to that point. When I do try to have some contact with her, I cannot have a conversation with her without her raging at me, attacking me, threatening me. Why do I feel any guilt at all? The intrusive thoughts are non-stop 24/7 and I am exhausted. It is like an obsession in my brain to think about her. When I feel like a bad person for having NC, I remind myself of all that she does and has done, and that is like reliving the trauma. When I try not to think these thoughts, the guilt comes back like a searing pain, and I have to remind myself of all the trauma, thus reliving it again and again and perpetuating what has become an extremely vicious cycle. My husband says my family is suffering because of this obsession I have with thinking about my mother. He says I should just make the choice and live with it. Could I actually have a real OCD, like some people have with hand washing or checking things, but mine is about my BP mother? (I took antidepressants for four years, they just made me fee numb.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 25, 2010 Report Share Posted November 25, 2010 -- I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I think obsessing about stuff is completely normal when dealing with past trauma. And I think guilt is one of the main and most common side-effects of growing up under the BPD rule. If you are in a phase of separating from nada, there is also a huge grief portion to deal with. When we grieve, one of the things that happens is a complete obession with the person we lost and/or the way we lost them. That is part and parcel of processing deep loss. (On Grief and Grieving by Kubler-Ross really helped me on this one). If I may, your psyche can't let it go for a reason. There is probably a lesson/insight/place of healing underneath it all that is (literally) screaming to be brought to the surface. Maybe, instead of fighting it and wondering if you're okay, you could find a way to process it more fully? I'm not sure I have specifics, but engaging in some sort of healing process may really help. Therapy? Journaling? Meditation? Just a thought, if it serves. Blessings! Karla > > Is it possible to have an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder that I can't stop thinking about my BP mother? She created a traumatic life for everyone in our family and now demands to be a part of my new family, my children and my husband. I have NC, sometimes LC with her, as she is just too volcanic for safety. However, I am engulfed in guilt. I remember the 5% good part of her parenting, the only parenting I ever got, and I see her so miserable (even if it is by her own doing). It is hard to be a good person and love my family and have NC with my mother, even though she has brought us to that point. When I do try to have some contact with her, I cannot have a conversation with her without her raging at me, attacking me, threatening me. Why do I feel any guilt at all? The intrusive thoughts are non-stop 24/7 and I am exhausted. It is like an obsession in my brain to think about her. When I feel like a bad person for having NC, I remind myself of all that she does and has done, and that is like reliving the trauma. When I try not to think these thoughts, the guilt comes back like a searing pain, and I have to remind myself of all the trauma, thus reliving it again and again and perpetuating what has become an extremely vicious cycle. My husband says my family is suffering because of this obsession I have with thinking about my mother. He says I should just make the choice and live with it. Could I actually have a real OCD, like some people have with hand washing or checking things, but mine is about my BP mother? (I took antidepressants for four years, they just made me fee numb.) > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 25, 2010 Report Share Posted November 25, 2010 -- I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I think obsessing about stuff is completely normal when dealing with past trauma. And I think guilt is one of the main and most common side-effects of growing up under the BPD rule. If you are in a phase of separating from nada, there is also a huge grief portion to deal with. When we grieve, one of the things that happens is a complete obession with the person we lost and/or the way we lost them. That is part and parcel of processing deep loss. (On Grief and Grieving by Kubler-Ross really helped me on this one). If I may, your psyche can't let it go for a reason. There is probably a lesson/insight/place of healing underneath it all that is (literally) screaming to be brought to the surface. Maybe, instead of fighting it and wondering if you're okay, you could find a way to process it more fully? I'm not sure I have specifics, but engaging in some sort of healing process may really help. Therapy? Journaling? Meditation? Just a thought, if it serves. Blessings! Karla > > Is it possible to have an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder that I can't stop thinking about my BP mother? She created a traumatic life for everyone in our family and now demands to be a part of my new family, my children and my husband. I have NC, sometimes LC with her, as she is just too volcanic for safety. However, I am engulfed in guilt. I remember the 5% good part of her parenting, the only parenting I ever got, and I see her so miserable (even if it is by her own doing). It is hard to be a good person and love my family and have NC with my mother, even though she has brought us to that point. When I do try to have some contact with her, I cannot have a conversation with her without her raging at me, attacking me, threatening me. Why do I feel any guilt at all? The intrusive thoughts are non-stop 24/7 and I am exhausted. It is like an obsession in my brain to think about her. When I feel like a bad person for having NC, I remind myself of all that she does and has done, and that is like reliving the trauma. When I try not to think these thoughts, the guilt comes back like a searing pain, and I have to remind myself of all the trauma, thus reliving it again and again and perpetuating what has become an extremely vicious cycle. My husband says my family is suffering because of this obsession I have with thinking about my mother. He says I should just make the choice and live with it. Could I actually have a real OCD, like some people have with hand washing or checking things, but mine is about my BP mother? (I took antidepressants for four years, they just made me fee numb.) > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 25, 2010 Report Share Posted November 25, 2010 -- I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I think obsessing about stuff is completely normal when dealing with past trauma. And I think guilt is one of the main and most common side-effects of growing up under the BPD rule. If you are in a phase of separating from nada, there is also a huge grief portion to deal with. When we grieve, one of the things that happens is a complete obession with the person we lost and/or the way we lost them. That is part and parcel of processing deep loss. (On Grief and Grieving by Kubler-Ross really helped me on this one). If I may, your psyche can't let it go for a reason. There is probably a lesson/insight/place of healing underneath it all that is (literally) screaming to be brought to the surface. Maybe, instead of fighting it and wondering if you're okay, you could find a way to process it more fully? I'm not sure I have specifics, but engaging in some sort of healing process may really help. Therapy? Journaling? Meditation? Just a thought, if it serves. Blessings! Karla > > Is it possible to have an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder that I can't stop thinking about my BP mother? She created a traumatic life for everyone in our family and now demands to be a part of my new family, my children and my husband. I have NC, sometimes LC with her, as she is just too volcanic for safety. However, I am engulfed in guilt. I remember the 5% good part of her parenting, the only parenting I ever got, and I see her so miserable (even if it is by her own doing). It is hard to be a good person and love my family and have NC with my mother, even though she has brought us to that point. When I do try to have some contact with her, I cannot have a conversation with her without her raging at me, attacking me, threatening me. Why do I feel any guilt at all? The intrusive thoughts are non-stop 24/7 and I am exhausted. It is like an obsession in my brain to think about her. When I feel like a bad person for having NC, I remind myself of all that she does and has done, and that is like reliving the trauma. When I try not to think these thoughts, the guilt comes back like a searing pain, and I have to remind myself of all the trauma, thus reliving it again and again and perpetuating what has become an extremely vicious cycle. My husband says my family is suffering because of this obsession I have with thinking about my mother. He says I should just make the choice and live with it. Could I actually have a real OCD, like some people have with hand washing or checking things, but mine is about my BP mother? (I took antidepressants for four years, they just made me fee numb.) > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 26, 2010 Report Share Posted November 26, 2010 When a person has OCD, he feels like he *has* to do the obsessive behavior (that's the compulsive part). It is usually a misdirected way to try to control something the person is intensely anxious about. For instance, if I lock my door three times, I am sure it is done, so I know no one will be able to break through the door. Or, if I use one wipe to scrub each square foot of counter space, and only move it clockwise, and do this ten times a day, I can be sure there will not be germs on my counter and I will not get sick and die. Or, I have to chew each piece of food thirty times on each side of my mouth. That way, I can be sure I will not choke. The compulsion to perform a behavior obsessively is a means to control anxiety. What you are describing sounds like you are trying to process a trauma, and it definitely sounds like there is some anxiety involved. But while you may feel compelled to think about your mother all the time, it is not done in a purposeful way. Maybe if you said, " I feel like I have to think about my mother once every five minutes or else she will come to get me, " that might be an OCD behavior. Have you discussed these intrusive thoughts with a therapist? It sounds like they are interfering with your life. It sounds like you need to work through the trauma, and a good therapist can be really helpful in that process, and may have good advice about how to let go of your need to think about your mother all the time. I wonder if you might write down your reasons for going NC somewhere. You can keep it put away most of the time, until you have a moment where you feel guilty. Then, you can allot just a couple of minutes to get out your list and read over it. When time is up, you put it away again. When thoughts begin to intrude at other times, you can just tell yourself, " I don't need (or want) to think about that right now. I'm going to focus on something else instead. I can go read my list later if I need to. " KT > > Is it possible to have an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder that I can't stop thinking about my BP mother? She created a traumatic life for everyone in our family and now demands to be a part of my new family, my children and my husband. I have NC, sometimes LC with her, as she is just too volcanic for safety. However, I am engulfed in guilt. I remember the 5% good part of her parenting, the only parenting I ever got, and I see her so miserable (even if it is by her own doing). It is hard to be a good person and love my family and have NC with my mother, even though she has brought us to that point. When I do try to have some contact with her, I cannot have a conversation with her without her raging at me, attacking me, threatening me. Why do I feel any guilt at all? The intrusive thoughts are non-stop 24/7 and I am exhausted. It is like an obsession in my brain to think about her. When I feel like a bad person for having NC, I remind myself of all that she does and has done, and that is like reliving the trauma. When I try not to think these thoughts, the guilt comes back like a searing pain, and I have to remind myself of all the trauma, thus reliving it again and again and perpetuating what has become an extremely vicious cycle. My husband says my family is suffering because of this obsession I have with thinking about my mother. He says I should just make the choice and live with it. Could I actually have a real OCD, like some people have with hand washing or checking things, but mine is about my BP mother? (I took antidepressants for four years, they just made me fee numb.) > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 28, 2010 Report Share Posted November 28, 2010 Thanks KT. Yes the hand washing, checking types of compulsions are most common. There is an OCD called Pathological Guilt. It is when the anxiety comes from a deep guilt that is most likely unfounded or exagerated as are most people's anxieties about contamination, running someone over on the street, etc. The compulsion part for me is that I compose letters to my mother in my head, or go through a litst of things she has done to me, or relive a part of the trauma. Doing these things mentally relieves me of the anxiety of the guilt (compulsions relieve the obsession), but the compulsion itself, the long conversation I have in my head, can take hours before I talk myself exhausted. It keeps me from moving on to other thoughts and other activities. Instead I repeat a loop in my brain of " This is what she did. This is why we are where we are. " It is the repetitive nature of doing this, the fact that it gets me nowhere and is interfering with the quality of my life that makes me think it is an OCD cycle. > > > > Is it possible to have an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder that I can't stop thinking about my BP mother? She created a traumatic life for everyone in our family and now demands to be a part of my new family, my children and my husband. I have NC, sometimes LC with her, as she is just too volcanic for safety. However, I am engulfed in guilt. I remember the 5% good part of her parenting, the only parenting I ever got, and I see her so miserable (even if it is by her own doing). It is hard to be a good person and love my family and have NC with my mother, even though she has brought us to that point. When I do try to have some contact with her, I cannot have a conversation with her without her raging at me, attacking me, threatening me. Why do I feel any guilt at all? The intrusive thoughts are non-stop 24/7 and I am exhausted. It is like an obsession in my brain to think about her. When I feel like a bad person for having NC, I remind myself of all that she does and has done, and that is like reliving the trauma. When I try not to think these thoughts, the guilt comes back like a searing pain, and I have to remind myself of all the trauma, thus reliving it again and again and perpetuating what has become an extremely vicious cycle. My husband says my family is suffering because of this obsession I have with thinking about my mother. He says I should just make the choice and live with it. Could I actually have a real OCD, like some people have with hand washing or checking things, but mine is about my BP mother? (I took antidepressants for four years, they just made me fee numb.) > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 29, 2010 Report Share Posted November 29, 2010 > > > Thanks KT. Yes the hand washing, checking types of compulsions are most common. There is an OCD called Pathological Guilt. GTK--thanks! I see you've given a great deal of thought as to what you are getting out of the obsessive thoughts. It sounds like having a good therapist to discuss these issues with would be helpful. I wish you the best as you work through it. kt Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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